I'm with the Band

by Melanie Brown

  At his all too brief touch, all my doubts dissolved. I felt I was about to turn into a puddle. I was a swirl of emotions. I couldn’t hardly breathe. After a pause of several heartbeats, in a half whisper I said, “I missed you too, Tommy.”Then in a louder voice, I added, smiling, “You look very handsome tonight, Tommy.”

  Beaming, Tommy said, “Thank you. Are you ready?” He extended his arm out for me to hold. He’s quite a gentleman.

  Taking his arm, Tommy led me through the hotel entrance. Parked by the curb, right in front of the hotel was a BMW Z4 with the top down. We walked straight for it. Tommy opened the passenger door and held it open for me.

  “Wow. Nice car!” I said, honestly impressed. I ran my hand down the sleek finish along the door. And then, as gracefully as I could in high heels, I slid into the passenger seat.

  “Thanks!” said Tommy. “I just got my license, so I thought it’d make a good starter car.” Starter car my butt! Tommy deftly removed a small cloth from his pocket and quickly wiped the door where I’d put my hand.

  Tommy slid into the driver’s seat. He looked me up and down and said as he cranked the engine over, “That is a very lovely dress.”

  Considering his comment about his ‘starter’ car, I was tempted to say something like ‘What? This old thing?’ Instead I just smiled and said, “Thank you!”

  

  * * *

  Tommy exited the freeway at Santa Monica. During the drive we were mostly quiet, just engaging in small talk. As he took the exit, he said, “I hope you like this place we’re going. It’s not a celeb hangout and not real expensive, but it has high ceilings and large windows overlooking the ocean.”

  A little bit more driving and we finally arrived at the restaurant. It was practically right on the beach. Tommy held my hand as he led me through the entrance. It was very nice inside and Tommy had reserved a table overlooking the ocean.

  The waiter seated us and as he handed us our menus, he took our drink orders. Cokes for each of us since we’re both still kids.

  Tommy looked briefly over his menu, and then stared back at me, “You’re very beautiful tonight, Michelle.”

  I laughed and said, “Tommy, that’s about the fifth time you’ve said that.”

  Smiling back at me, he said, “I don’t think I could say it often enough. I mean, you’re a beautiful girl anyway, but tonight… tonight you’re glowing or something. It’s amazing.”

  “Thank you,”I said smiling. “I think tonight I’m truly happy. I can’t even remember the last time I felt this happy.” I looked out at the ocean, the late evening sun dancing on the waves. “This has been an incredible year for me. I’ve done things in the past few months I never even dreamed of doing.”

  I turned back to look at Tommy. He took my hands in his. I said, “I have successful records out, both with the band and solo, I do T.V. commercials and model, and… and I’m on a date with a movie star that every girl wants to be with. This has all been just sooo awesome!”

  Tommy let go of one hand and clasped my other hand with both of his. He gently rubbed my fingers. I looked at my soft hand, nails polished, disappearing in Tommy’s larger hands. At the back of my mind a thought rose up. How did you get here, Mike? How did events move to place you here, now, from a completely crazy idea to join John’s band to being on the brink of fame as a female entertainer? What a wild ride. And it ain’t over yet.

  Tommy looked at me sideways and said, “What are you thinking about?”

  I suddenly realized I hadn’t said anything in a minute or two while I just stared at my hand. With an embarrassed laugh, I said, “Sorry, I was just thinking about the journey from being a nobody till now. I still can’t believe it.”

  “I can understand your feelings,” said Tommy earnestly. “But you deserve it all. You’re beautiful, and you have a beautiful voice. And, I bet you could make it in movies, too.”

  I laughed and said, “I can’t act.”

  Taking a drink from his Coke first, Tommy said seriously, “I think you can. You’re very natural in your commercials. It may be a commercial, but you’re still reading lines, babe. I’d love to see you try it.”

  “I don’t know, Tommy…”

  “Come on. Promise me you’ll audition at least once. There’s a casting call next month for my new movie.”

  I knew he wouldn’t stop asking until I said I’d at least audition, “Okay, okay. I’ll audition. I’ll suck, but I’ll audition just to make you happy. There.”

  “Thanks. I don’t think you’ll suck,” Tommy smiled and looked at the table for a few seconds. There was an extended awkward silence for a moment. Finally, Tommy broke the quiet.

  “So tell me, if you don’t mind my asking… how did you manage to get into a rock band anyway?”

  I laughed and said, “Well, the short story is that another girl named Michelle was in the band at first. In fact, she was Sammy’s girlfriend. They broke up just before the band was going to record their demo CD. They needed a new girl quick. I just happened to be visiting and they asked me to fill in. And the rest, as they say, is history.”

  Before Tommy could say anything, the waiter came up and took our orders. A few moments after the waiter left, Tommy said, “That’s weird how one arbitrary decision led to you being here with me tonight as well as making you rich and famous.

  “It’s kind of the same for me,” he continued. “If it wasn’t for my parents’ divorce, I wouldn’t be here and you’d be dating someone else.”

  Wow. I didn’t know his parents had divorced. His publicist had managed to keep that out of the press. I said sincerely, “I’m very sorry to hear that. That must have been very hard for you.”

  Nodding, he said, “Yeah, it was. At first, I lived with my mom. My dad’s job moved him to L.A. Nothing against my mom, but I really wanted to be with my dad. She didn’t want to at first, but Mom finally agreed. One summer about three years ago, I thought it’d be fun to try out for a play. A talent scout ‘discovered’ me and got me into some commercials and guest appearances on some T.V. shows and...” he paused a second and smiled at me. He continued, “and... the rest, as they say, is history.”

  I laughed and he picked up my hand gently kissed it. If I got any more warm and gooey inside, you could pour me into a bottle.

  Dinner arrived and was absolutely wonderful. Tommy was charming to a fault throughout the evening. He was full of humorous anecdotes about some of the movies he was in. And I admit, just like the old joke, if he’d been sitting there reading the phone book, I would have loved every second just the same.

  The meal was over and there was a pause in the conversation. It had gotten dark outside and I hadn’t noticed. I looked out the window. “Oh! That’s so beautiful!” It wasn’t quite a full moon, but the light sparkled on the water like diamonds.

  Tommy didn’t look out the window from what I could tell, but said as he looked into my eyes, “Yes, it is.” He paused a moment, and then said, “Before it gets too late, would you like to take a little walk on the beach?” He started to make a motion to get up from the table.

  I said, “I’d love to!” Then a sudden thought struck me... I probably should take my pantyhose off if I’m going to be walking on wet sand. I said, “Let me run to the little girls’ room first. I’ll be right back.”

  He just nodded and smiled as I scurried off to the restroom. A few minutes later I returned sans pantyhose. “Let’s go!” I said.

  I followed Tommy around the side of the restaurant to some wooden stairs descending down an embankment to the beach. When we reached the landing at the bottom of the stairs, I paused once again to slip out of each sandal. Tommy turned around and saw me shoeless and so he pulled off his dress shoes and socks. The beach must have been somewhat secluded as there were few people around.

  The western sky over the ocean still had the dying glow of the setting sun while the rising moon vied for dominance of the sky. Tommy to
ok my hand as we walked slowly across the sand. A cool breeze from the ocean swirled around my legs.

  We walked to the edge of the shore and let the water splash around our ankles. We walked on a little further through the wet sand, neither one of us saying a word. Tommy finally stopped walking and slowly sat down on the sand, pulling me down with him.

  Putting his arm around my waist after I had sat down in the sand next to him, drawing my legs up under me, Tommy said as he looked out towards the ocean, “Well, what do you think?”

  I looked around at the bright, moonlit beach and watched the water rush to the shore for a moment, the waves the only sound. As far as I could tell, we were alone. I looked back at Tommy, seeing the shine of the moon in his eyes and said almost in a whisper, “It’s beautiful. It is so beautiful.”

  Tommy brushed a windblown strand of hair from my face and said softly, “Not as beautiful as you.” He leaned in towards me, his lips starting to part. Oh, God, I thought. Here he comes. He’s going to try to kiss me.

  As his face neared mine, I didn’t move at first, frozen with both fear and excitement. The fear I understood; the excitement I couldn’t comprehend. I really should run away, I thought, as I closed my eyes and leaned in to meet him. As our lips touched, I found my arms going around his neck as we pulled each other closer. Emotion exploded through my soul as we embraced and kissed each other passionately.

  I felt as if a dam that had been holding in all my contempt, hatred and self loathing for both having to be dressed as a girl and because I would never really be a man suddenly burst and released all the emotion in a surge of hot passion as it all washed away.

  I felt emotionally drained and weak. Tommy started nibbling my neck and earlobe. He placed a hand on what would have been a breast if I had had one. I pulled his hand away, and he didn’t try to put it back.

  His tongue was suddenly in my mouth and I pressed my tongue against his as we kissed even more deeply. I fell back on the sand with Tommy almost on top of me, kissing my lips and then my neck. Suddenly, he slid on top of me, pressing his crotch into mine. Tommy was definitely beyond being excited. He started to pull my skirt up.

  “Tommy, no. Please.” I groaned. “Please don’t.” He pressed harder into me for a moment and kissed me hard. Then with a groan, he rolled off onto his back, and as I laid there staring at the moon, I could hear him breathing hard.

  I looked over at him and in the moon light I could see his chest rising and falling with his heavy breathing. His eyes were closed as he lay flat on his back. I reached over and lightly touched his cheek.

  He took my fingers, looked over at me and smiled. He then kissed my fingers and said, breathless, “You’re a good kisser.” He then lifted himself up on one arm and with his free hand he gently stroked my hair. He bent down and kissed me softly. He then rolled back on his back and continued breathing hard.

  I laid there a moment, looking at Tommy. I pulled some hair out of my eyes and then put my hand on my chest. I slid my hand down to make sure the skirt of my dress still had me covered when my fingers touched a damp spot on the front of my dress. I thought, ‘what the hell? There’s just one spot that’s damp on my dress. What’s up with that?’ Then I listened to Tommy catching his breath. Then it hit me. Oh my God!

  I sat up, suddenly feeling unclean. I vigorously rubbed the finger that had touched the wet spot in the sand. I shivered noticeably.

  Tommy lifted himself up on one arm again and touched my arm as he said, “Michelle, are you okay?”

  I jerked my arm away and said, “Don’t touch me!”Tommy gave me a puzzled look. “Tommy. Did… did you… ah… did you… ?”I couldn’t bring myself to say it.

  Tommy cast a glance to his crotch and said, “Uh, yeah. Yeah I did. I… well… you’re just so hot.”

  “You were going to have sex with me!” I exclaimed in a whispered voice. I wrapped my arms around myself and brought my legs together under me and shuddered. “I just wanted a date. I’m not ready for sex, Tommy.”True enough, both emotionally as well as physically. I suddenly felt very cold.

  Sitting upright, Tommy said, “Michelle, it just happened. I didn’t bring you here for sex. You have to believe me.”

  “I want to go home.” I said as I stood up and began to walk back towards the stairs.

  I heard Tommy scuffle in the sand a moment as he stood up and began to come after me. I started walking faster. “Michelle! Please! Wait up. Honest to God, I didn’t plan this. I was just going to take you on a nice, romantic walk on the beach.”

  Once again on the inside I was a riot of emotions. I really didn’t know what to think or how I should act. I was scared that I had come so close to being discovered. I was disgusted that another guy had gotten so close to me with his DNA. I was also thrilled that such a cute guy found me desirable in that way. I was offended that Tommy would try to have sex with me knowing my age and that this was supposed to an innocent and reconciliatory date to make up for past behavior.

  I stopped at the bottom of the stairs to put my shoes back on. Tommy caught up with me and again reached out for my arm. I jerked my arm away and turned towards him and said, “Please take me home.”

  Between the moon and the lights from the restaurant, I could see tears welling up in Tommy’s eyes. It’s a trick, I thought. Don’t fall for it. I turned to climb up the stairs.

  Tommy hurriedly stepped into his shoes. He called out to me, “Michelle! I don’t want to lose you! Please! I promise it won’t happen again.”

  From halfway up the stairs I turned and looked down at Tommy. I said, “I’m tired. I want to go home.”

  The ride back to my hotel was in stony silence. Tommy kept looking over at me and it was obvious he kept wanting to say something. I just stared straight ahead with my hands folded in my lap.

  After Tommy parked the car by curb, a couple of spaces from the front door, he looked down at his crotch. It was probably mostly dry by now, but there was an obvious stain down the front of his pants along with sand that had stuck there when it was wet. In an embarrassed voice, he said, “You’ll forgive me for not escorting you back to room?”

  “I’ll think about it,” I said as I got out the BMW and slammed the door, making sure I smudged the finish with both hands as I did so. I hoped I didn’t look as bad as I felt, with my hair in a mess and full of sand and my dress wrinkled and dirty. I stalked off towards the doorway, heels clicking loudly on the concrete.

  From his car, Tommy called, “Hey! I’ll call you, okay?” I didn’t look around.

  I hurried through the lobby towards the elevator doors as tears began to flow uncontrollably. There were a few people in the lobby and I’m sure they were all staring at me as I made my way to the elevators. There’s just something about a crying girl with disheveled hair and dress running through a room that just seems to attract attention.

  I punched the elevator button and as I waited for the elevator to arrive, my body shook with sobs. I was so angry. Angry to be crying like a stupid girl for one thing. Angry for allowing myself to almost be discovered. Angry with Tommy for trying to have sex with me. Angry with myself for rejecting him. Angry and ashamed that at least a part of me was thrilled that he desired me in that way. I was a complete emotional wreck.

  The elevator doors finally slid open and I hurriedly slipped inside. As soon as I had punched the button for my floor, I collapsed in a heap on the elevator floor and cried harder than I ever had in my life.

  * * *

  Chapter 15

  I was still in a crumpled heap sobbing my eyes out on the elevator floor when the doors slid open. Three people, two adults and what appeared to be a twelve year old boy stood hesitantly at the elevator’s threshold. I looked up and noticed that it wasn’t my floor yet. I glared at them with a look that probably said something like ‘Get the hell off my planet!’ I’m sure I looked like a complete mess and I continued to glower at the group in stony silence.

  The wom
an asked, “Honey, are you all right?”

  “No! I’m not!”I snarled. I reached up and slapped the door close button.

  As the doors began to slide closed, the man said, “Let’s just wait for the next elevator, Hon.”

  The boy suddenly pointed and shouted, “Mom! Dad! Look, it’s Miche… “ The rest of what he said was lost as the elevator doors closed shut.

  There were no more stops before arriving at my floor. The doors slid open and thankfully, there wasn’t anyone waiting. I continued to lie on the floor and cry for a few more moments. The doors stood open a few seconds, and then started to close. I quickly stuck my hand between the doors and the sensor popped the doors back open again. If the doors close, I’ll be on my way back down, probably back to that same family.

  I slowly stood up and wobbled on my heels a moment. I was crying so hard and was so upset I seemed to have little motor control over the muscles in my legs. Shaking and crying, I walked slowly down the hall to our suite.

  Mom had been watching television, and the moment I entered the hotel room, her expression switched to one of deep concern as she rushed over to me, “Michelle! Honey, what’s wrong? What happened? Are you all right?”

  I looked at Mom and I just didn’t want to deal with anything at the moment. I know I was being too harsh, but I snapped, “No! I’m not!” I stormed past her and hurried into my bedroom and slammed the door.

  I threw myself on the bed and balled up the pillow and started crying into it.

  The doorknob jiggled for a moment. Then, there was a knock on the door and Mom said, slightly muffled through the door, “Michelle. Please. Let me in.”

  “Go away!” I shouted.

  “Michelle. Please. What happened? Let’s talk about it,” said a slightly muffled Mom.

  “Leave me alone!” I shouted at the door. “I don’t want to talk about it!” I buried my face back into the pillow.