I'm with the Band

by Melanie Brown

  I lay there for several minutes, crying uncontrollably. I just couldn’t seem to stop. In the back of my mind, I kept telling myself how ridiculous I was for being so upset. And then I thought how it’s stupid to be upset at myself, when it was Tommy who tried to take advantage of me.

  That creep Tommy! Who did he think he was, huh? I thought he actually cared about me and then he acted like I was just another conquest. And why do I care if Tommy cares about me or not? I’m a guy for chrissakes! I shouldn’t even have gone out with a boy in the first place.

  My crying started to slow down. Guys don’t cry. I’m fourteen after all. I’m almost a man. I looked up at the mirror in my room. I tugged at my disheveled hair and wanted to cry again. My face was a disaster with black rings around my eyes and my make-up smeared.

  I looked down and saw the stain on my dress and instantly felt dirty again. I jumped up and removed the dress as quickly as I could and tossed it into one corner of the room.

  ‘Why did I ever go on a date with Tommy in the first place,’ I asked myself as I stood there in the middle of my room in just my bra and panties. It’s not like I have a major crush on him or anything.

  I slipped a nightgown on before opening the door to my room. I looked out and there was Mom, sitting patiently on the couch, looking worried. She didn’t say anything as I slowly walked out. As I got closer, I felt the tears start to well up again.

  Mom stood up and approached me, “Honey, are you all right?”

  I threw myself into Mom’s extended arms and hugged her tightly. I buried my face into her blouse and cried, “Oh, Mom! It was awful! He… he…”My voice dissolved into heaving sobs. Mom led me over to the couch and directed for me to sit down.

  Stroking my hair, Mom said, “It’s okay, Honey. You’re home now. It’s all right.”She stroked my hair while I continued to cry for a few more minutes. “Can you tell me what happened?”

  I tried to stop crying and gulped some air before attempting to say anything. Finally, I managed to say, “Mom… he… he… he tried to have sex with me! I don’t understand… he was being so wonderful, so nice. Everything was so nice. We… we took a walk on the beach and… and it was so beautiful and then… and then we started kissing. He… he got on top of me and …and he…” I started crying again at the thought. “He tried to pull my dress up. I stopped him, Mom. I stopped him… but… he… Mom… he was actually going to do it… he was going to do it… with me!” I buried my head in Mom’s blouse again and started crying again.

  Mom hugged me tightly as she said indignantly, “That Tommy! Who does he think he is?!” Then more soothingly to me, she said, “It’s over. You’re home now.”She rocked her body back and forth, the way she used to do when I was upset as a child.

  She continued to coo and make soothing sounds to me until I finally stopped crying and relaxed. I sat up and rested my head on Mom’s shoulder. She held my hand.

  Stroking my hair, Mom finally said, “Honey? You need to tell me exactly what happened, the best that you can remember. From the time you left until you got home. I know thinking about it is upsetting, but it’s important.”

  I nodded and sniffling, I told Mom about how Tommy had picked me up in his fancy car and everything that followed. After I had finished, tears flowed again, but not as bad as a few minutes before. I continued to hug Mom as she silently digested what I’d told her.

  After a minute or two, I looked up at Mom and asked, “Why Mom? Why did Tommy act that way? I mean, we were holding hands and kissing on the beach, and it was just so romantic. It was just… just so wonderful! And then he goes and ruins everything!” I shuddered.

  “I don’t get it, Mom,”I continued. “I just don’t get it.” I began to frown as I said, “I hate him, Mom! I hate him. I never want to see him again!”

  “Now, now,” Mom said. “Let’s don’t go overboard here. I don’t like how Tommy acted, but I honestly don’t think he was trying to force you to have sex. I think he just got carried away. He stopped when you asked him to.”

  I pulled away from Mom, incredulous. “Are you taking his side?”

  Mom shook her head and said, “No, no, honey. Not at all. You’re right to be upset with him, and what he did was wrong. I could be wrong, but I just don’t think he’s evil. I think he’s teenage boy who just got carried away.”

  “I don’t understand! Just because we were kissing, why does he think he can have sex with me? It makes me so mad because I…” An icy bolt shot down my spine with the realization of what I was about to say. “… I… uh… I really liked him.”My voice trailed away.

  Mom pulled me into a hug again and softly said, “I know honey. And I know it’s hard to understand why boys act the way they do. At his age, a boy is just a bunch of raging hormones and sometimes they’re overwhelmed by them. Don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t excuse Tommy’s behavior.”

  I sat up slowly and folded my arms. “Well, I’m done with him. It was stupid of me to go out with him anyway. I’m not even a girl. I must have lost my mind, Mom. I’m through with Tommy, and I’m definitely through with boys!”

  Mom leaned back into the couch and said, “Well, if Tommy can’t control himself any better than that, you probably shouldn’t see him anymore. At your age, you probably shouldn’t settle down to one boy anyway.”

  “Mom. Weren’t you listening?”I asked. “I told you. I’m through dating boys. Period. I doubt the band will still be around a year from now and I can go back to being Mike.”

  Mom studied me for a moment before saying, “You’d turn your back on lucrative singing career?”

  I shrugged and said, “Well, if I kept singing, I’d just about have to get the sex change Mr. Winters was talking about. I don’t want to be a girl for the rest of my life! Can you imagine me being a girl forever?”

  Mom briefly took on a faraway look.

  * * *

  “Hello?” said a very sleepy voice.

  “Kayla, it’s me!”I said into the phone. I was in my nightie, sitting up in bed with the lights turned off.

  “Who?... Michelle?” said Kayla. “Girl, do you realize it’s after three in the morning?”

  “Oh. I forgot about the time difference,”I said, a little surprised I’d forgotten that Kayla was a couple of time zones away. “I had a date with Tommy tonight, and I needed someone to talk to.”

  Her voice sounding more alert, Kayla said, “Really? You went out with Tommy again?”

  “Yeah, it was a real date. We got dressed up and went to a fancy restaurant on the beach where we took a moon-lit stroll.”

  “That’s sooooo romantic, Michelle!” squealed Kayla. “It must have been like totally dreamy! You have to tell me everything!”

  “It certainly started dreamy,” I said, feeling my emotions starting to build up again. “I was in heaven.” I then related the story to Kayla, sparing no detail.

  There was silence on the other end for a moment after I finished telling of running through the hotel lobby. “I just can’t believe that!” breathed Kayla. “I mean, I can’t believe Tommy would do that! Like, come on! He loves you!”

  Even though she couldn’t see it, I still scowled as I said, “What do you mean? How would you know?”

  “It’s obvious,” Kayla said matter-of-factly. “The way he was acting before he took things too far, the stuff he’s been saying about you in all the teen magazines. Oh, he’s got the hots for you. Bad.”

  “He sure has a strange way to show it.”

  “Guys don’t think the way we do. I’m sure he didn’t even think twice about what he was doing until you told him to stop.”

  “What do you mean ‘the way we do’?” I asked. “I’m not a girl.”

  “You’re certainly acting like one!” Kayla paused a moment then asked, “You want me to tell you what I think?”

  “I’m afraid to ask, but okay. Go ahead.” I said.

  “I t
hink Tommy is in love with you. And not only that, I really do believe you love Tommy.”

  “You’re out of freakin’ your mind!”I almost screamed, completely appalled by the idea.

  “From the way you said you were kissing him there on the beach, I’m sure Tommy felt that you wanted him as much as he wanted you,” Kayla said excitedly. “You gave him the wrong signals, and Tommy, being a guy, could only think of one thing at that point — sex.”

  “Oh, so now it’s my fault I was almost raped!”I yelled angrily into the phone.

  “Michelle! Get real! I wouldn’t say that!” Kayla yelled angrily as well. “I’m just trying to tell you what I think is going on. I don’t think what Tommy did was right, but I’d be willing to bet that he was just reacting to you. I know you love him.”

  “What?!” I gasped. “You can’t seriously believe for one moment that I’m in love with Tommy!”

  Kayla just laughed, “Why deny it, girl? Why else would you give Tommy a second chance? Why would you get all dressed up for a big date? Why would you kiss him passionately on a moon-lit beach? If not in love, you certainly have a huge crush on him.”

  “Kayla, I’m not in love with Tommy,” I asserted. “In fact, I’m pretty pissed at him!”

  “I would be too if the guy I was in love with treated me that way,” Kayla said seriously. “Any girl would.”

  “I’m not a girl, Kayla,”I said, growing angry again. “And I don’t have a crush on Tommy.”

  Sounding frustrated, Kayla asked, “Why do you deny you’re a girl, Michelle?”

  “It’s real easy to prove. All I have to do is take my clothes off!”

  “Did you cry when Tommy violated your trust?” asked Kayla. “Did you search through your wardrobe several times looking for just the right dress for your date? Did you fuss over your hair and make-up? Did you start to feel dreamy while walking on the beach under the moonlight? Did you melt at Tommy’s kiss? Did you do any of these things? Did you, huh? Did you?”

  “Yes! I did all those things!”I almost shouted. “It just means I’m insane, not a girl!”

  In a quiet voice, Kayla said, “It means… that deep down in your soul… you’re a girl. Denying it doesn’t mean you’re not.”

  Frustrated, I said, “And asserting it doesn’t make it true! Kayla, I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve been seduced by the dark side and have let myself get carried away in my own desire to be noticed and liked, but wearing the clothes and even having the crushes, doesn’t make you a girl. Why are you so insistent that I’m a girl?”

  There was silence on the other end of the line for a few moments. Sounding far away, Kayla said, “In the last couple of months, I’ve gotten to know Michelle real well. She’s a real sweet girl and a friend I can trust. I know I can tell her anything.

  “I also think I know Mike pretty well. He was a good friend when we were little but he drifted away when he got older. But you know what? I think that between the two, Michelle is the real person.”

  “Why would you say that?” I asked, my anger oddly subsiding.

  “Well… think about it. Playing video games was about the only thing you had in common with the other boys. Michelle, we’ve talked about this before. I’ll be totally honest here. You’ve never really seemed all that comfortable as a boy. But when you became Michelle, you… well, you just blossomed! The girls at school noticed a change in you even though you came to school as a boy.”

  “What? Did they think I was a sissy or something?”

  “No.”Kayla said flatly. “They thought of you as an equal.”

  Coughing a humorless laugh, I said, “Well that certainly sucks!”

  Sounding offended, Kayla said, “Why? Are girls beneath you?”

  “That’s not what I meant!” I lied. “It means that none of them would want to date me.”

  Kayla let out a muffled, aggravated scream, “I’m hanging up now. You just don’t get it.”

  “Kayla, wait!” I pleaded. I didn’t want her to hang up mad at me.

  “Michelle, you are so much better as a girl. You know, we were talking about you today. Gina, Holly and the others still don’t realize you’re Michelle Grayson. You know what Gina said about you?”asked Kayla.

  “I don’t have a clue. What?”

  Kayla paused a moment, then said, “She said that during the last couple of months of school, it almost seemed like you were pretending to be a boy. The slumber party pretty much completed it. When they were talking about you, they even said ‘she’.

  “Really?”

  “Yes, really,” said Kayla. “Michael just doesn’t seem like the real you anymore. And now, it’s late and I’m going back to sleep. Call me tomorrow. Tah…”And with a click in the receiver, she was gone.

  * * *

  I stayed home all the next day. The phone rang — often. I let Mom answer the phone because Tommy tried calling using other people’s phones. During the times Mom had to leave our suite, I just let the phone ring.

  Flowers were delivered during the day as well. All from Tommy. At first, I was going to just dump them in the trash, but they were pretty and smelled nice, so I didn’t.

  Later that evening, after Mom answered the phone, she came into my room.

  “That was Mr. Winters,” Mom said. “He wants us down at the studio tomorrow morning.”

  “How come? Does he want all of us or just you and me?”

  Mom sat down on the end of my bed and said, “Just us two for now. He does want to meet with all of us again this week. Tomorrow he wants you to run through that Japanese song a few times so they can see how it sounds.”

  Pausing for a deep breath, Mom then continued, “The big news though is that things are going to start getting busy for us. Mr. Winters has arranged for appearances on the Tonight Show, The Late Show and various other talk shows. He’s arranged for you to be a presenter at various kid type awards.

  “He wants to plan a solo CD for you and get you back in the studio. He’s going to want John to come up with at least five new songs and wants us all back in the studio to get a new CD out this fall. He’s also set up a 10 city tour this summer to promote the current CD.”

  I sat down next to Mom and said, “Wow. Things are really starting to cook. John will be happy. I think he was feeling ignored by Mr. Winters.”

  Mom shook her head knowingly, “John’s very impatient. He still doesn’t realize just how much work there is in launching a new act. Hal said that CMT has been pestering the studio for a video of your solo. So add your video, the band’s video and the video you’re shooting with that Japanese girl,” Mom paused a moment and said, “but John is still going to get upset. You’re going to have more appearances than the band.”

  It didn’t sink in until later what Mom had said about me getting more gigs than John. Nope, John wasn’t going to be happy.

  I sat there next to Mom in silence for a few moments. Just as I felt she was about to get off the bed, I asked, “Mom, do you like me better as a boy, or as a girl?”

  Mom sat there in silence for a few moments as well, “If that isn’t a loaded question! Honey, the only thing that’s important is who do you prefer being? Mike or Michelle?”

  “That’s a cop-out Mom. I want to know what you think.”

  It was obvious that she was trying hard not to use a name or terms of endearment that suggested a particular gender. She said, “No, dear. It’s really not important what I think. It’s your life. I can tell you who I think seems happiest to me, but only you can decide.”

  Before I could answer, Mom said, “You know, you’re in a fairly unique situation. You’re at a crossroads where you have a choice most people do not get. Most people don’t get a choice on whether they’re a boy or a girl. You do.”

  “Mom, I watch those talk shows sometimes too. I know about transsexuals. They choose.” I said.

  Mom smiled and said, “Some would
argue about whether it’s really a choice or not. But their choice is different and most don’t have the opportunity at your age, even though they probably already know who they want to be. Your difference is that you don’t want the change, but have to choose a path that will be best for you. Why are you asking this?”

  I frowned and said, “Kayla. We were talking last night...”

  Mom interrupted saying, “That was kind of late, wasn’t it?”

  “Yeah, I woke her up. Anyway, we were talking and she said she thought I should become a girl. She thought I was better as Michelle. She said that she and her friends felt that when I was being Mike, it more like I was pretending to be a boy.”

  Mom shook her head and said, “Honey, it’s not up to others to decide for you who you should be. My suspicion is that Kayla has selfish reasons for you to be a girl.”

  Furrowing my brow I said, “How can you say that? Kayla is my best friend. She cares what happens.”

  Mom said, “You said it yourself. She’s your best friend. I’m guessing Kayla likes you, but can’t handle a best friend who is a boy. If you’re a girl, you can be her friend, and she doesn’t have to worry about you ruining the friendship by asking her out or whatever.”

  Mom looked thoughtful for a moment, and then she asked, “Do you like being Michelle?”

  I thought a moment before answering. Reluctantly I admitted, “Yes. I have to say I do, but it’s all surface stuff. You know… things like make-up and the clothes. Boy clothes really seem boring now. But you don’t get a sex change just because you like the clothes better.

  “For the most part, I like the way I’m treated,” I admitted. “Everyone is usually so nice to me. But, there are things I don’t like. Like the way guys seem to think I’m stupid or helpless.”

  I paused for a moment, and then asked, “But come on, Mom. Tell me what you like about Michelle.”

  Mom thought a moment, and then said, “I like the confident young woman. Michelle seems happier than Mike. Michelle is more emotional, but that’s normal for a girl. Michelle is a beautiful girl on the verge of becoming a star. Everyone loves her.” Mom laughed and said, “Here we are talking about Michelle and Mike as if they’re two people. Honey, all these things are very abstract and have nothing to do with what’s important.