I'm with the Band

by Melanie Brown

  He didn’t notice me right away. He didn’t seem able to turn his head, but his eyes suddenly rolled in my direction. He tried to smile and in a croaking whisper said, “Michelle!”

  I stepped up to his bed and found his hand and held it. I leaned over so I see his eyes better. God, he looked terrible! In a hushed tone I said, “I got here as soon as I could! I’m so sorry! I should have been with you guys.”

  John furrowed his brow. In a raspy voice he said, “Thank God you weren’t.”He studied me a moment before whispering, “Thank God you weren’t. You’re such a beautiful girl; I’d hate to think of you being in a place like this.”

  In the middle of a cry, I barked a short laugh. I must have been a mess, with no make-up on, my eyes and nose red from nearly constant crying and my hair unkempt. “I hate seeing you in this place. I wish there was something I could do. I feel so useless!” I gently touched his cheek with a couple fingers. I suddenly said with a cry in my voice, “Oh John!” I started crying uncontrollably.

  As soothing as his raspy voice could be, John said, “Don’t cry, Michelle. I’m okay. I’m going to be okay. Don’t worry.”

  I wiped my eyes and tried to smile and said, “I know you’ll be okay. You’ll be tormenting me again in no time.”

  John tried to laugh, but only managed to frown and moan in pain. We both fell silent for a minute or two. I watched the rhythmic patterns on the medical monitors. John’s eyes took on a far-away look.

  Without looking at me, John whispered in a matter-of-fact tone, “Michelle, Fritz is dead. He’s gone.”

  I gently squeezed John’s hand and said, “I know. Mom told me. I’m very sorry.”

  Eyes still glazed, John said, “I know Mom and Dad didn’t like him much. I don’t think you really did either, but he was my best friend. The band wouldn’t have happened without him. I guess the band’s finished.”

  I said, “John, don’t worry about that right now. Once you’re better, there’ll be plenty of time to worry about the band.”

  “No. The band’s toast. Without Fritz, there’s no band.”

  “John, don’t give up on your dream. I know Fritz was important, but you still have Sammy, Juan and … and April.” I said, trying to be encouraging.

  For the first time in many minutes, John looked over at me. He said, “April came by after she was released from the hospital. She said she’d had enough. She’s going back home. She quit.”His voice trailed away, but he continued to look at me. After a moment, he said, “I should never have replaced you. You sing better than April. I was wrong Michelle. I wanted you out for all the wrong reasons. But it worked out for the best, didn’t it? I mean, you’re not in this hospital… or… or worse.”

  I stared at nothing for a moment and then said, “But maybe I should have been. I should have canceled my appearances so I could be with you and Mom. We’re family. We should have stuck together. I’m going to cancel the rest of my performances so I can stay and help take care of you.”

  John tried to shake his head, “No, Michelle. You were where you should have been, doing what you do best. And no, you’re not going to quit performing. Not on my account. It’ll be months before I can even think of doing anything with the band again. Sammy and Juan might feel the same as April. If I get the band up and going again, you’ll have a spot on it if you want it. But you’ve got to keep going. Promise me you won’t quit.” He closed his eyes. “Promise…” he whispered.

  “Okay, John. I promise.”

  There was a long pause while I waited for John to say something else. Finally, I realized he was asleep. I stood there for several minutes just looking at my brother.

  * * *

  It felt weird to be wearing boy’s clothes again. I had my hair pulled loosely back in a ponytail in what I hoped was a boyish manner. In this heat and humidity, the black suit was uncomfortable. I was standing next to Mom as we listened to the preacher say nice things about Fritz. John was very upset that he couldn’t attend Fritz’ funeral. He was out of ICU, but still not well enough to leave the hospital. Dad had flown out to Denver and stayed to keep him company during this time.

  I looked over to where Sammy and Juan were sitting. Both still looked a little banged up and of course their broken bones hadn’t healed yet. Their crutches were lying in the grass next to their chairs.

  I looked around at the sea of faces. I didn’t think Fritz knew this many people. I recognized quite a few folks, but a lot of people here didn’t look familiar. Then it dawned on me that some of these people were fans.

  I kept scanning the faces surrounding me until I finally found the one I’d been looking for. There stood Kayla, eyes both red and smeared black from crying. She didn’t notice me. She just stared at the dark brown coffin.

  I know I shouldn’t have, but I just stared at her, tracing my eyes over every nuance of her features. It had been months since I had last seen her and the differences were very apparent; her breasts were more pronounced, her body a little more curvy. Maybe it was my imagination, but she was turning into quite a little hottie.

  I felt a sudden panic when I realized her birthday was this month. I made a mental note to get her something for her fifteenth birthday. And then the big question. Do I get her something a boy would get a girl, or what a girl would get another girl?

  I was jarred back to the real world when Mom started to walk away from me to get in the line that passes by the grieving family. I felt a little ashamed that I’d missed a good portion of the funeral by thinking about Kayla.

  It seemed to take forever, but Mom and I were finally up next to say our condolences to Fritz’ family. What do I say? What can you say?

  Fritz’ mother reached out to hug me. Quietly, I just said, “I’m so sorry about Fritz!”

  With her hands grasping my shoulders, she held me out at arm’s length and said, “Thank you, Michael. I haven’t seen you in so long. You’ve gotten taller. You’re becoming a young man.”

  I just smiled at her. She couldn’t know that I was actually becoming a young woman. I started to walk away from her to shake Fritz’ dad’s hand.

  “Where’s Michelle?” asked Fritz’ Mom. “I’ve never met her. Fritz talked about her all the time in his emails and phone calls. I was hoping to meet her.”

  Looking at her, I said, “She couldn’t make it. It was all just too much for her.”

  She nodded and said, “I understand. It was good to see you again, Michael. Tell John he’s in our prayers.”

  I just nodded. Feeling very uncomfortable, I quickly moved on.

  I started looking for Mom as I walked away from Fritz’ family. From behind me, a girlish voice squealed, “Michael? Hey!” I turned around and saw Kayla’s smiling face.

  “Kayla! Hey girl!” I said excitedly as we hugged. “I’ve really missed you!”

  “You could call more often!” Kayla admonished me, laughing. “I’m surprised to see ‘Michael’ here.”

  We started walking away from the grave site. Watching our shadows glide across the grass I said, “Yeah, I thought it’d be easier to explain Michelle not being here than Michael. And I didn’t want to face Fritz’ parents as Michelle.”

  Kayla averted her eyes and said, “I’m really sorry about what happened to your Mom and John and the others. I mean, it’s just terrible.”

  “Thanks.”I mumbled. I watched the ground move under our feet for another minute. I looked up and saw Mom standing by our car. I suddenly stopped. Kayla walked a few paces past me, but then turned around and walked back to me. I said, “Would you do me a favor?”

  Kayla squinted in the sunlight as she turned to face me. She said, “Sure. Like what?”

  I said, “You mind meeting me at the park this afternoon… say around one o’clock? Meet me at those trees… you know, where the two trees have grown together.”There were two different trees that had grown together to look like one big tree.

  “Sure. That’s no probl
em.”

  “I’ll see you then.” I waved and then rushed over to where Mom was waiting.

  * * *

  It was a couple of minutes past one o’clock as I walked through the park toward the two trees. Kayla was already there. She hadn’t seen me yet and I didn’t call out. I just watched her as she stood there waiting.

  Even just standing there, Kayla displayed the undeniable grace of femininity. The short denim skirt she wore was only a secondary indication that she was a girl. Her manner, grace and form were unconscious and natural. Even after hormones and surgery, would I ever be able to achieve this level of femininity without conscious effort?

  Sure, without any overt visual clues that shout I’m not a girl, most people tend to gloss over the lack of these other signals. Most people don’t want to believe that you’re not who you say you are unless you give them good reason.

  “Oh, there you are!” Kayla said, turning towards me at the sound of my approach. “You’re still Michael!”

  I smiled and said, “Yeah. I can’t change back to Michelle while I’m here. I’ll probably change on the flight back.”

  “It’s good to see Michael again. I know I always told you that I thought Michelle was the real you. Still, I’ve missed him.”

  “Well, that’s kinda why I wanted to talk with you privately.” I said as I took both her hands as we stood facing each other.

  Cocking her head in that very feminine, inquisitive manner, she asked, “Oh?”

  I stared into her eyes for several moments. God! She was beautiful! I suddenly thought that I might be making a big mistake. No, I’d thought this over a million times…

  It was actually harder for me to form the words than I thought. My heart felt heavy as I said, “Kayla, take a good look at Michael. This is the last time you or anyone will ever see him again.”

  Furrowing her brow, Kayla asked, “What exactly do you mean by that?”

  Swallowing hard and averting my eyes, I softly said, “I’m going to become a girl. I’ll soon start on hormones. When ah… when I get to be eighteen, I’ll get the surgery to complete what John started six years ago.”

  “Oh my God!” Kayla exclaimed. “You’re going to get a sex change?”

  “Is that such a surprise?” I asked.

  “In a way,” She bit her lip and looked away for a second, “I mean, yes, I felt that being a girl seemed natural to you, and I had a lot of fun when you would come over and we’d be girlfriends. But...” Her voice trailed away.

  Feeling confused, I asked, “But what?”

  Hesitating a moment, she finally said, “I just thought that... well... that you’d eventually come back here as Michael. You know, once you were done with singing and all.”

  “That was the original plan,” I said, “but things are different now. And I don’t mean just because of the accident. I’ve discovered that as a girl, I’m more comfortable with who I am.”

  Kayla suddenly threw her arms around me. “Oh Michael! I’m sorry! I didn’t know this would happen.”

  I held her close to me and said, “What are you talking about?”

  Kayla pulled back from me and looked me square in the eye. “I taught you how to be a girl. I never thought you’d stay one forever!”

  “You said you liked me better as a girl. That you felt I was a girl.” I protested.

  “I know! I know.” Kayla said as she looked away. “And in a way, I meant it, but...” She started to turn her back to me, and I could tell she was about to cry.

  I gently pulled her back around. She still wouldn’t look at me, tears welling up in her eyes. “Kayla, please. Tell me what’s wrong!”

  “I feel bad. I taught you how to wear make-up, how to wear the clothes, how to act and stuff. And I love you like a girlfriend. But I thought it was all fun and games. I thought you just liked dressing up and that’s why you came over.” She stopped talking and took a few breaths.

  “But now, this seems so final. After today, Michael will be gone. I mean, God! Now I feel like I’ve been to two funerals today!” She threw her arms around my neck again and laid her head on my shoulder and began to cry softly.

  I stroked her hair and said, “It’s okay Kayla. You’re right. In a way, Michael will die today. But all he ever was will continue in Michelle, and I’m grateful for you, Kayla. You had your whole life to learn how to be a girl. I only had a couple of months, and I couldn’t have done it without you.”

  We stood there a few minutes in the shade of the two trees, holding each other tight. Neither of us spoke. The only sound was the gentle rustling of the leaves.

  Kayla finally pulled away from me and gave me a hesitant smile. I ran my hand through her hair and said, “Would you mind doing me one more favor?”

  She knitted her brow for a moment as she asked, “Like what?”

  I ran my fingers again through her long hair and said, “Can I have one last minute as a boy, with the most beautiful girl he’s ever known?”

  Kayla smiled slightly and with the smallest of nods, leaned toward me, closing her eyes and parting her lips. My lips met hers as I pulled her closer to me. Our tongues met as we stood there in a passionate embrace.

  I’m not sure how long we kissed, as it seemed all too brief. We finally pulled away from each other, both of us finding it hard to breathe. Kayla smiled broadly and looked into my eyes. She leaned in and gave me another brief kiss and said, “Good-bye, Michael.”

  Before I could react, she turned and walked slowly away.

  “Good-bye, Kayla!” I said as she walked away, and then in a whisper that I know she couldn’t hear, I said, “I love you.”

  * * *

  I still couldn’t believe this was actually happening. Until recently, never could I have even imagined such a day.

  What a difference six years can make! In that short time, I’ve gone from a small town nobody, to one of the top female entertainers in the country. Not only do I sing in the pop and country fields, but I still model, do television ads, and have even dabbled in acting. John decided he liked being a producer better. Sammy is an insurance salesman back home, filling a void left by my dad when he finally decided to move out to Hollywood with us, and Juan is my band’s drummer.

  Two years ago on my eighteenth birthday, I made a quiet trip to Thailand with my Mom to have the surgery that would permanently close the door on my old life. Dad and John objected of course, but after a while, they couldn’t deny how much happier I was being a girl. I never looked back and my life before I started living as Michelle is just a rapidly fading memory.

  Six years ago, when I started this journey, I never thought it would lead to me walking down the aisle, Dad holding my arm. I heard the rustling of my satin gown as it glided over my legs, and before me stood my darling groom. It was hard to believe that in a few minutes, I would become Mrs. Tommy Kincaid.

  Tommy was so handsome in his tux. He was now twenty-two and was absolutely gorgeous. After winning an Oscar, he had finally become a respected actor. He could have any woman in the world, but it was me he was marrying.

  Opposite Tommy stood my beautiful maid of honor, Kayla. She was stunning in her light blue satin gown. After all these years, she was still my best friend and confidant. She moved to Hollywood a few years ago and has done a few commercials as well as acting in some bit parts in television shows.

  On the front row stood Mom and John. Mom was still my manager. She wasn’t even trying not to cry. She was so happy that I was getting married. It was all she talked about for weeks. And John has changed so much. He’s not only happy to have a sister now, but he’s actually glad I’m getting married to Tommy.

  I was surprised to see Mr. Winters and Brooklyn attending my wedding. Mr. Winters is still my agent and Brook is still my fashion consultant. I really don’t know where I’d be without either one of them.

  It’s been a long strange journey from first being mistaken for a girl at that old recording studio back home to becoming a wife, for G
od’s sake! And even though I’ll admit that Tommy and I had sex as soon as I was healed enough to try out the new plumbing, I was still tingling with anticipation about our wedding night. All I can say is I’m so glad I’m a girl!

  I was so scared and excited and nervous, that I really don’t remember anything the preacher said until he said, “…and do you, Michelle, take Tommy to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

  I looked at Tommy and smiled a small, nervous smile and blinked back a tear. I said, “I do.”

  “You may kiss the bride.”

  Smiling that smile that has endeared him to millions of women around the world, Tommy lifted my veil and slowly bent his head down and gave me a soft, sweet kiss.

  * * *

  THE END