I am his only client, and to see him I have to get to their house on Wilson Avenue, and walk through their home to his little office. I always feel very privileged that he is doing this for me.
“Coral?” He repeats.
“Um...sorry, so much has happened this week. I don’t know where to begin.”
George smiles warmly at me. “I always find the beginning is a good place to start.” He states, handing me a cup of tea.
“Thank you.” I take a sip and place it on the coffee table in front of me.“The beginning…” I sigh heavily and begin to reel everything off.
Joyce selling, meeting Tristan, how I feel about that, spending time with him, our openness to one another about how we feel.I tell him I’m worried about Rob and Carlos, I don’t think I could take it if they split; they are my role models that people actually do stick together. And then of course, I tell him about Gladys meeting Malcolm, and the fact that they are getting hitched and buggering off.
“That’s a lot to contend with in one week.” George clarifies.
I nod in agreement.
“Ok, well let’s start with Joyce selling. You’ve been advised your position is safe. Do you feel that it is?”
“Yes...No...I don’t know, maybe if I hadn’t met Tristan I would say yes...” I say, scowling at the floor.
“Coral, it was going to happen at some point in your life.” George says.
“What was?” I ask.
“Falling in love,” he says, chuckling slightly.
I shake my head at him, frowning deeply. “I’m not in love,” I tell him sternly.
“Really?” He says in surprise, his eyebrows rising.
“Yes.” I whisper.
“Let’s discuss. Tell me how you feel about Tristan?”
“There’s nothing to say.” I bark back at him, crossing my arms in defiance.
“Then why are you being so defensive?” He aptly says.
“I can't let him in.” I snap.
“Why?” George asks.
“You know why.” I bite back, then instantly regret it. “Sorry.”
“Coral, I’ve never seen you like this.” George says frowning deeply at me.
I sigh heavily.“George, I...I’m not denying there’s something huge there. I know there is...but I’m just...I’m not capable of having a relationship. I didn’t even have one with Justin.” I swallow hard. “Besides, he’s about to be my new boss, and that makes for a very imbalanced, tricky, sticky mess that I don’t want to get into.”
“So if he wasn’t your boss, would you date him?”
I hadn’t thought of that one.“I guess so...if we took it slow...I mean really, really slow...” A fleeting thought of that night two years ago comes unbidden into my mind’s eye, I close my eyes for a second and clench my fists.
“Coral, replace the image.” George tells me.
I take a deep breath and think of a funny moment in ice-age. I have a thing about animated movies. George tells me it’s my lost youth, that my innocence was taken away from me at such a young age. That it’s kind of like I’m re-living it, my childhood – I think I’m warped and twisted.
George tells me I’m not, at all, just trying to heal the wounds of my past and that’s what he’s here to help me to do, to help me live my life to the best of my abilities and to enjoy it.
“Coral, what happened?” George asks his tone full of concern.
“I thought of Tristan...being intimate with him.” I mutter.
“Sexually?” He questions.
If I blushed I swear I would be scarlet by now.
“Yes.” I whisper feeling embarrassed.
“And how did that make you feel?” He asks.
“I don’t know if I can?” I answer.
“Justin was a long time ago Coral.” He reminds me.
“I know.” I whimper.
George crosses his legs, and as I look up I see he is deep in thought.“Coral, from what you’ve told me, this man sounds safe, reliable, trustworthy and above all an honest gentleman. He is nothing like Justin.”
I nod knowing he’s right, then shake my head in confusion.“I feel like I’m losing a little of myself when I’m around him.” I say.
“That’s what happens when two people come together and they click so well, you don’t really lose yourself. You just become about the two of you, rather than the self.” His words make sense, yet it means I lose some sense of control over myself, my life.
“I feel like I’m losing control.” I tell him.
“Coral, we’ve discussed this, control is an illusion. An illusion that yes, makes you feel as though you have control of everything that happens around you, but you don’t, not really. The universe does all that for you. For instance, did you expect Joyce to sell?”
“No.” I gripe.
“To meet Tristan?”
“No.” I choke sarcastically.
“For Gladys to tell you she is leaving and getting married?”
This could go on forever. What’s his point?
“No.” I grumble.
“Control is an illusion.” He reiterates.
“So what am I supposed to do?” I ask sharply. A lump forms in my throat again. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel like I could cry again?
“Explore it Coral. Change happens whether we like it or not, sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad. Life is yin-yang, for every high there has to be a low. All I am saying is try to be brave, and find the courage to put your heart out there and give this man a chance. He could be the best thing that’s ever happened to you.” Ok, that sounds like Rob!
“But what if I can't? What if we date, and we, you know…the inevitable start to happen and I freak out? He’s going to think I’m crazy and I’ll never see him again...and I,” I grit my teeth, close my eyes and push back the tears.
“I don’t know how to be intimate with someone...I...I just don’t know how to do it.” I croak.
“Dear girl,” George shakes his head at me. “How many times have I said to you that you worry far too much about future events that haven’t even happened yet?”
“I know,” I croak again. “Rob’s always telling me that too.”
“Ok, well let’s just take a moment. Have you considered talking to Tristan?”
I look up at him in confusion.“How do you mean?”
“I mean having a heart to heart with him, telling him about your past experiences, what happened with Justin.”
“No. Why would I want to tell him that? It’s private.” I tell him.
“Yes, it is very personal to you I know that. But maybe if he knew you intimately, he could make compensations, compromises, take it slow with you. And he would understand more, I’m sure of that.”
“I don’t think I can do that...it’s...he’ll think I’m a freak, I’ll never see him again.” I say.
“Somehow, I truly doubt that. And will you please stop referring to yourself as a freak Coral, you are anything but. You’re a bright young woman with so much to offer. Open your eyes and see yourself Coral, as others do.” He commands. “Or if you prefer, with your permission of course, I could run through some details with Tristan on your behalf. I know you don’t like to talk about your past, and reliving it is no good for anyone. Does that idea appeal?”
I shrug not really knowing what to say to that.
“Well think about it and let me know.” I nod feeling a little squeamish. Do I really want Tristan to know my sordid past?
“I’m really confused,” I say. “On the one hand I really like him, more than like him and that’s what’s making it feel even more confusing. I don’t see how I can feel so attracted to him, so safe around him, so....” I stop before I say in-love; after all I just denied it to the good doctor.
“I’ve only just met him,” I continue. “And I feel really weird around him, even when I only think about him for a split second, my heart hammers against my chest and I feel this weird sickly butterfly feeling in my s
tomach, and a really weird ache between my chest and my abdomen. I’m off my food for god’s sake and I always eat!”
“Coral.” George removes his glasses from the edge of his nose, and comes and sits next to me on the sofa. Taking my hand he squeezes it gently. It’s ok for George to touch me. “Everything you have just described to me is exactly what happens to every person on the planet when they fall in love.”
I close my eyes and sigh heavily – Fuck! I can't fall in love!
“So what am I supposed to do?” I groan.
“It’s up to you. You have two choices, you can ignore it and continue with your life as it is, or you can go for change and explore it?”
I sigh heavily and rub my forehead; my headache still hasn’t left me. “I feel sad for Joyce, I miss John.” I tell him.
“Grief is a slow and natural process, don’t try to tame it. If you feel like crying then do so. As I’ve explained before crying is a release.”
I nod knowing he’s right, yet I always fight the tears, I see it as a sign of weakness, a sign of vulnerability. And I can't afford to be vulnerable. It’s just a risk I can't ever take.
“So, what you’re saying is relax more, go with the flow?”
“Yes.” He smiles.
“Well, I think I’ve kind of accepted that work will change, Joyce is definitely going. And as for Tristan…I...I’m not sure about that yet.” I tell him.
“Coral, there’s no time scale. You don’t need to rush, take your time, do your meditation, listen to your inner guide, it will always know what’s best for you. Your ego will always hold you back, make excuses for you not to risk, to try something new.”
I nod knowing he’s right.
“But what about Gladys, I never told her, but I’m devastated she’s going I...I don’t know how I’ll really cope without her, you know being physically there to hug me when I’m feeling insecure, or a little low or...” I choke off pushing away the tears.Everything feels so fucked up right now.
“Coral, again it’s a bitter-sweet one. On the one hand you want Gladys to be happy?”
“Of course,” I mumble.
“On the other hand you feel what…a little lost?”
“No, not lost.”
“Then what Coral, what do you feel?”
I close my eyes and go deep down, I recognise the feelings, but I don’t know the words to explain them.“I feel like...like when my Mom told me my Dad didn’t love me anymore, that he was never coming back. I feel numb...um, abandoned I guess?” I shake my head, that’s not the word.
“Devastated, I think? Gladys means so much to me, without her around, I don’t know if I can...even function properly.” I scowl at the floor.
“Coral, I strongly urge you to speak to Gladys about this, maybe even do the move with them. Start somewhere fresh, a different job. There certainly wouldn’t be any denying seeing Tristan then.” His eyes sparkle for a fraction of a second, and I momentarily feel like he’s really pushing me to go for it.
“She doesn’t want that. And I’m not a kid anymore, I may feel like it but...there has to come a point when you stop running to your momma to make everything better, right?”George doesn’t agree or disagree.“I mean, Debs has always moaned at me that I run to Gladys when the slightest thing happens. She thinks I’m a cry baby.”
“She may well do Coral, but she doesn’t know your past.”
“I know.” I sigh inwardly.
“I will also reiterate telling Gladys what really happened to you when you were a child. She may understand more why you don’t feel as compelled as others naturally do to find a mate.”
A shiver runs down my spine.“Ok, I’ll think about it.” I sniff loudly, then laugh at the sound I made.
“That’s good Coral, seeing life as a silly funny game, is far more productive than seeing it as a set of scary dramas that you have no control over.”And there’s that word again – Control. I remember asking Tristan if he is a control freak, when in actual fact, it’s probably me.
“George, am I a control freak?”
“Well, in the general terms of the saying, yes I would class you as one. You crave control in your life.” I nod feeling stupid that I asked Tristan if he was one when he clearly is not! Stupid-ass Coral!
“But you’re not a freak Coral,” he admonishes. “So let’s work through it all. Your job is safe, it may change somewhat in the work you are asked to do, but you feel confident in that?” I nod.
“Good. Tristan, well he’s completely up to you. But I would go with letting him in, telling him what happened.” I bite my lip, just thinking about that conversation has me feeling nervous.
“Take your time with your decision Coral, there’s no rush.” I nod. knowing he’s right.“Gladys, talk to her. Tell her how you really feel or brave it all and let her go.”
I nod knowing I’m going to have to do one or the other. The trouble is which one?
“Ok, so let’s end with a high.” George adds.
“I had a great night out with Rob last night,” I chuckle remembering our terrible singing. “Did get a little too drunk though,” I add feeling dog tired.
“Good, having fun with your friends is imperative.” George tells me.
“I have Lily’s birthday party this weekend, and Gladys and Malcolm are taking me out tomorrow night, to meet under better circumstances, they already have wedding plans.” I roll my eyes at that one. I really hope Gladys doesn’t ask me to be bridesmaid.
“Good, lots of enjoyable events to look forward to.” George says.
“Yep,” I sigh heavily.
George narrows his eyes at me. “Ok, so what’s really on your mind Coral?”
I feel all the air leave me.“I don’t think I can do it again,” I whisper. “I keep having nightmares, not all the time, just when...” I drift off.
“Do what again Coral?” George asks softly.
“Have sex.” I tremble, my hands clenching into fists.
“Why ever not?” George asks, astonished. I squeeze my eyes shut. I’ve almost told George so many times, then chickened out. “Because of Justin?” He prompts.
I shake my head.
“Then what Coral?” He questions.
I open my eyes and stare out of the window, trying to block out the memory, the feelings, but it’s no good - My stomach rolls, and I know I’m going to be sick – Shit!
I slap my hand to my mouth, dash up out of my seat and run flat out for the bathroom, flinging the door open I run to the toilet and vomit; over and over again, until all I’m left with is dry retching. When it finally ends I flush the toilet and head over to the sink, as I’m washing my mouth out with water, I hear George softly tap the door.
“Coral?”
“I’m ok.” I answer and take several gulps off water.
“Can I come in?” George asks softly.
“I’m coming.” I answer and head out the door.
I turn to the right, to follow George back to his office and lose my balance; my head feels so woozy. George quickly catches me, then puts his arm around my waist and leads me back into his office, sitting me down he hands me a glass of water.
“Thanks.” I croak my throat feeling burned. Stupid Coral!
I’m never drinking again when I have George the next day. Hangover, no food, hot weather, finding Gladys with a man, and Tristan making me feel all funny is not a good combination.
George sighs heavily and sits down opposite me. “Coral, why do I get the feeling I don’t know everything? That you’re holding something back?”
I frown deeply, staring at the glass in my hand.“I made a mistake.” I tell him. And it was a mistake, a huge mistake!
“We all do.” George offers.
“A stupid one, one that cost me...” I add.
“And the mistake is?” George asks.
I shake my head again. I don't want to talk about it.
“Coral, I can’t help you if you don’t’ – “I can't ok!” I shout.
“I’ve got to go!” I tell him, quickly scrambling up to my feet.
“Coral,” he admonishes. “You know you shouldn’t’ – “I know.” I stop and stare back at him. Shouldn’t leave a session on a downer, it should always be an upper.“George.” I whisper.
“Yes.” He answers softly.
“One day.” I tell him.
George nods silently. I know he knows what I mean, that I’ll tell him when I’m ready.
“See you next Tuesday then?” He asks.
“Actually, with everything going on I was going to ask...I feel bad though...” I say, my hands twisting together anxiously.
George smiles broadly at me.“You want another session?” he says.
I nod in agreement. “You don’t have to George, you’re retired for goodness sake, you shouldn’t have to....” I sigh heavily. Why oh why do I always feel guilty - about everything?
“It’s absolutely fine Coral.”
“Really?” I squeak.
George looks solemnly at me again. “I’ll agree on one condition.”
“You want me to tell you.” I guess. “Ready or not?”
“Yes,” he answers sternly. “That’s my condition.”
I actually think twice about it for a second, then I think about the amount of things going on, and how much better I feel having someone to talk it all through with, someone that doesn’t think I’m a lunatic.
“Ok.” I sigh.
“Good.” George sternly says.
I look up at him again, he looks mad. Great!
Darkest Fears Trilogy: Fallen For Him / Freed By Him / Forever With Him Page 19