“I have to say Coral, I’m not very pleased that there’s something you’ve kept from me.” He says, spookily answering my thoughts.
“I’m sorry.” I whisper.
“Well, I suppose, whatever it is I’ll soon hear about it.” I frown again and feel my lips clamp together. “Right then, this week or next?” He asks sharply.
Oh which lonely evening shall I pick?
“Can you...this Friday?” I ask my voice barely audible. “I finish early at 4pm.”
“I’ll see you here 4.15 sharp.” He tells me.
I tremble inside.“Ok, thank you George.” I whisper and turn to walk out of his office.
“Coral.” I look back at him, he sighs heavily, pinches his nose for a moment, then puts his glasses back on. “I want you to forget about what you’re going to tell me, and focus Coral, focus on what we have talked about today. Think about talking to Gladys and Tristan, concentrate on that.” He softly says.
“Sure doc.” I answer numbly, my mind already elsewhere…
AS I HEAD SOUTH DOWN WILSON AVENUE, in the direction of the Marina, I feel like I’m in someone else’s body. Like someone else is making my feet take step after step. I feel better after talking to George, but if I’m completely honest with myself, I still feel a little shell shocked. I can't quite get my head around the fact that Gladys is re-marrying.
And as for her moving away…As much as I know she isn’t purposely doing it, I feel as though she’s abandoning me, which is completely ridiculous; I am a thirty year old grown woman. I should be able to deal with life’s ups and downs by myself now, and I should be living a life of my own, as most people do, away from their parents.
Most people at my age have husbands and wives and children...but all that just seems so impossible for me to even attempt to do. I have nothing to offer anyone, nothing but fears, insecurities and zero self-esteem…
Without realising it, I find myself standing outside Pizza-Express staring blankly ahead. Then I hear my stomach rumble and I realise I have been subconsciously heading here for comfort food.
I think back to what I’ve actually eaten today – Muffin for breakfast, I didn’t really eat much salad at lunch – Hmm…
Deep down I know I really shouldn’t, its naughty food, but I have nothing in the house that I fancy. I turn and face the Restaurant, and as I do I see it’s packed outside, I hadn’t even heard the low rumble of people talking, laughing, knives and forks clicking against plates – What is wrong with me?
I sigh heavily and make my way inside…
TWENTY MINUTES LATER I am back at my studio. I go straight to the oven switch it on low, and place my pizza inside to keep warm while I change, then I turn the air-conditioning unit on to cool the studio down.
As I stand in front of it thinking about Tristan, tears pool in my eyes, making my vision blurry.
Holy crap! For the first time in twenty five years, I am crying?
I really don’t understand it, why I’m feeling so emotional. I’m never like this. Shaking my head at myself and dashing the tears away, I slowly make my way up the stairs, one foot in front of the other; my legs feel like they have lead weights attached to them.
I head for my closet, pull out a pair of sweats and change into them. Then I make my way back down the stairs and go straight into the bathroom. In a daze, I wash my face and clean my teeth as my mouth still feels rancid from being sick.
When I’m done I stare at myself in the mirror, I can see it right there behind my eyes – the fear.
I can feel it building within me. I squeeze my eyes shut trying to push it away. I shiver slightly, I don’t think I can take any nightmares tonight.
Maybe I should have a glass of wine before I eat, it might help me relax and sleep better, no nightmares…
AN HOUR LATER I have had two glasses of cold chardonnay and half the pizza. I am lying on the sofa watching the movie Taken – I love that Liam Neeson is a kick-ass Dad who’ll do anything to protect and save his baby girl – Why couldn’t I have got a Dad like that?
I quickly push that thought away.Normally if I watch a movie, it’s a romance. Crazy right, fucked up girl who can't stand men, can't have a relationship, yet she’s a born romantic – I’m so fucked!
I stare back at the screen, not wanting to go down that line and try to clear my head.I get a flash image of Tristan, standing in the car park with me, telling me he’ll protect me, no matter what.
I grit my teeth and try to blank him out – I don’t want to be reminded of Tristan. I don’t want to think about anything, I just want all my thoughts to disappear, to go away....
I AM DREAMING I’M IN A HOTEL. Someone is with me, I turn around to see who it is and I’m instantly filled with dread and fear – It’s not a dream but a memory, reliving itself.
Coral get out, wake up!
I try to run, but my legs don’t make a move.
No! Not him!
He is smiling at me, a look of approval stretched across his face; he is leading me into his hotel room, just for a drink he said. He is kissing me and getting forceful, aggressive, my worst nightmare come true…I don’t understand. Why is he doing this, he likes me, we have something special going on, he told me so.
We’ve spent hours together, no sign of this ever happening!
“No!” I tell him as he tries to squeeze my breasts, grab my ass.
“Yes!” He growls.
And this is my warning; this is my cue that it’s all going horribly wrong.
“I said No!” I bawl totally incensed.I try to push him away, but he’s too strong.
He grabs my hands and pins them behind me, in an instant he has picked me up and thrown me onto the bed, covering me with the weight of his body. He rips my t-shirt as he pulls it up and yanks my breasts free from my bra.
“No!” I shout - I am now in full scale panic mode - I try to get my hands free as I kick at him and frantically buck my body up and down in an attempt to get him off me.
It doesn’t work - he raises his arm, his fist clenched and brings it down, hard, slamming it into my right cheek.I see stars; my eyes are trying to roll into the back of my head.
I feel like I’m going to pass out...
I WAKE UP GASPING FOR AIR – Fuck! – I can’t breathe. I fall from the sofa onto the floor trying to get some air into my lungs, my head is banging, my body shivering, my heart is hammering so fast and heavy against my chest, I think I’m having a heart attack – Get out of my head! – I scream internally.
My stomach rolls, the memory is still reliving itself, he’s ripping my clothes off – Oh fuck not again!
I run to the bathroom and vomit, violently – Oh God! Please help me, make it go away please I’ll do anything…
The dry heaves eventually stop. I curl up next to the toilet shivering, I’m so cold. My muscles are still in spasm, my fists clenched tight and in that moment all I want to do is call Tristan and have him come sit with me, hold me tight, warm me up and make it go away, make me feel safe. But it’s impossible, I know it is – Why the hell would he want this?
As the fear starts to ebb away, the anger starts to take over which quickly turns to tears, like my anger is directly attached to my tear ducts, I fight back at it. Then I think about what George has said over and over again, to let it all out, to cry if I need to, so I do.
Heavy, wreaking sobs burst out of me. I let my body go limp, my torso hitting the bathroom floor, my cheek against the cold tiling.
I’ve never allowed myself to cry about it before; I’ve never let it out - I cry and cry and cry; I don’t seem to be able to stop. Oh when will this end?...
I DON’T KNOW HOW LONG I’m there for, but as the tears die down, I slowly become aware of the movie that’s still playing; I hear gunshots, shouting, Liam Neeson no doubt kicking the shit out of someone.The pain starts to wash away as well as the anger and the fear, but now I feel really cold and dirty – I need a shower.
I sit up, and pull my legs up to my torso, wrapping my
arms around my knees to try and generate some heat, but it doesn’t seem to be working. Why am I so cold? I wonder for a moment if I’m actually becoming hypothermic? Not good!
I quickly stand, my muscles protesting and turn on the shower, my teeth are chattering like crazy, my body is actually starting to feel painful. Why? Why am I so cold?
It suddenly dawns on me, air-conditioner! – I run into the living room, which is so cold you can see my breath and switch it off.
Jesus! It’s like the god damn Arctic Circle in here, Christ!
At least I know it works! – I roll my eyes at my own stupidity and head back into the bathroom. Stepping into the shower, fully clothed, I crouch down onto the floor, letting the hot water cascade all over me, I grip my arms around my legs and pull in tighter.
Slowly but surely, the shivering dies off and my teeth stop chattering. When I’m satisfied that I’m warm enough I slowly stand, making sure all my muscles are working properly and strip my wet clothing from me. I decide to leave them in the shower; I can't be dealing with them now, all I want is my bed and sleep; no nightmares.
I step out the shower, wrap a towel around my head, then one around my body, pulling it tight to keep the warmth in. I quickly dry myself off, rubbing my skin harshly so the blood keeps pumping. Then I dash upstairs and pull out my winter pyjamas.
Quickly dressing, I grab my hairdryer and blast my hair on the hottest setting; it doesn’t take long to dry.Moments later, I am back downstairs with my wet towels. In a daze, I reach the bathroom and hang them up to dry, then I go to the patio door, un-lock it, and open it a little, letting the warm breeze flow into the studio and warm it back up.
My head is still banging, so I decide to take some Nurofen. I walk over to the cupboard under the sink and fall to my knees, I still feel so weak; I guess that’s having no food in my system.
I find my little medicine box and open it up, and there staring at me is a brand new bottle of Night Nurse. I always have some just in-case I catch something in the winter, it’s really good at knocking you out so you don’t wake up coughing or sneezing, which give me an idea!
I know I shouldn’t, but I do - I grab the bottle, snap of the plastic safety cap, twist the top of and take several glugs, it actually tastes quiet nice and soothes my burning lungs from being sick so much.
I know I shouldn’t take it for any other reason than sickness, but I’ll do anything not to re-live that, I don’t want another nightmare about it, I don’t think I could take it.
Figuring I have about half an hour before it kicks in, I decide to eat the rest of my pizza, I carefully reheat it in the microwave, and grab a carton of coconut milk – very good at settling the stomach – and curl up on the sofa.
I eat and drink in a daze, barely aware of the film still playing. When I’m done, I lock up and take my sorry ass up to bed...
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
I WAKE UP ABSOLUTELY SWELTERING; the sun has risen and is blasting through the studio. I must have climbed into bed last night with my P’J’s still on and my king size quilt is completely wrapped around me. I quickly scramble up, kicking my feet to free myself of this unbearable heat. Oh my god, I’m melting!
I decide to try the air-con out again, but this time on a lower setting. Running down the stairs, I turn it on low and feel it start to cool the room, then I tip toe back upstairs. As I reach my bed I glance at my alarm clock. 5.04am, only another couple of hours to go and I’ll be swimming.
I strip my P’J’s and leave them on the floor – Boy I’m getting untidy! – And get back into bed, as I do, I have to smile – No nightmares, a restful sleep, I feel so much better for it.
I turn on my side to go back to sleep, five minutes later I am turning on my other side. Five minutes after that I am flat on my back staring up at the ceiling. All I am seeing every time I close my eyes are images of Tristan, the way he looks at me, how his eyes light up, his mannerisms, his thick dark hair, his soulful eyes, his protective way around me.
I shake my head at myself and run my hand through my hair, trying as hard as I can to hide the stupid grin that is spreading across my face. Joyce is going to think I’m a complete lunatic walking around smiling all day, I hardly ever smile at work – Oh! That’s not good!
I wonder for a second if I actually come across as a miserable cow that everyone avoids. I mean, none of the other secretaries have ever offered for me to go out to lunch with them. And I know they all get together once a month on a Friday for a girls night out, not invited me to that either!
I snort, wouldn’t go anyway! – Precisely so what are you going on about Coral?
Feeling too hyped up to sleep, I decide to go for an early morning run on the beach. Dressing in my training gear I head downstairs, clean my teeth, wash my face, and for a fleeting moment I stare back at the woman in the mirror, I don’t look so good – Shit!
Look at the state of my eyes. They are so puffy that I don’t think I’ll be able to wear any mascara today – Great!
That’s it! No more stupid crying, especially if this is what it does to you – Oh no!
Joyce is going to know I’ve been crying, which means she’ll call Gladys, I know she will, and then Gladys will call me and she’ll be all upset – Double Crap!
As I turn to head out the bathroom, I spy my wet clothing still in the shower and I’m instantly reminded of why they are there – I still myself and close my eyes – It’s ok, he can't hurt you, he’s gone, he’s not here!
I take a deep breath in, then exhale slowly as though I’m blowing the memory out of me, another trick from good old George!
Bending down, I pick up my soaked clothing, squeezing as much water out of them as I can. I decide to hang them outside on the railing, they shouldn’t take too long to dry in the sunshine…
AS I PACE ALONG THE BEACH my mind wonders over everything that’s happened over the past couple of days.Honestly I’m dreading Friday, I don’t want to have to tell George anything, but on the flip side, I know I need help, I can't keep letting it haunt me.
I push the thought away and pace harder, the sun is already scorching, almost burning my bare shoulders and I’m sweating buckets.I stop for a while before I do another sprint and stare at the ocean, watching the waves rolling in and out.
I wish I could be like a wave, each one completely different from the one before, everything new and fresh. I inhale deeply, I love the smell of the sea, it’s the best smell in the world – well it was until – Stop! – Don’t think about him, I chastise.
I decide to have a pit stop and sit down on the pebbles. I pause my MP3 player which has been blaring Funhouse; my favourite pink album, and place it down in front of me. As I sit there assessing my emotions, the one that seems to be the most prominent is anger, so I decide to question it. Ok, so why am I angry?
Well I guess I’m pissed Joyce is leaving, I’ll miss her like crazy, I love working for her. But more importantly, I’ll be losing a family member, a beloved aunty, and I’ve already lost a beloved uncle.
Tears prick my eyes; just thinking about John’s funeral is enough to make me start blubbering again. God knows how Joyce is feeling - What else?
I search the inner recesses of my mind, nothing seems to come up about Tristan that’s making me angry so I move on – Gladys?
Yep definitely pissed about that, even though I know I shouldn’t be, but why am I? Ok so weirdly enough I think there’s a little jealousy going on there – Why?
I shake my head at myself, because deep down inside I know it’s because I feel like it’s the wrong way round. Surely it should be the kids getting married first, like...well, it should be me getting hitched and not Gladys. It should be me finding the one, not Gladys – That’s ridiculous!
I castigate myself harshly – Be happy for her Coral, it’s not her problem you’re a fuck-up who hasn’t...I stop myself there – Ok so get rid of the stupid jealousy! I nod in agreement with myself.
Squinting my eyes from the glare
of the sun, I stare out onto the sparkling ocean and take another deep breath before continuing – What else?
I sigh heavily, life is changing. I evidently can't let myself in with my key anymore – The kitchen scene from last night at Gladys’s comes brightly and vividly into my mind’s eye.Ew!
I immediately try to replace it, takes a while. I think it will haunt me forever!
But most importantly, I won’t see Gladys every day. I won’t be able to hug her, or laugh with her, have a lazy Sunday roast or…I sniff loudly, and swipe at my tears.Stupid god damn tears! Why the hell am I crying so much?
Ok, so I’ll miss her, like crazy, like I wouldn’t believe. I already do and she hasn’t even gone yet, so I assess again. What’s so bad about her moving away, what am I so afraid of?
Pain! – The answer is clear and immediate.
I don’t want the pain and the heartache I already know I’m going to endure when she’s gone. The emptiness, the hollow feeling that I have no family because I know that’s how it’s going to feel. Just like it did when I no longer had either parent – Assholes!
I take a moment to calm myself down – Anything else?
Of course, Gladys is getting hitched. When Debs got hitched I was a bridesmaid for her, after months and months of her begging me to do it – “You are my sister, my best friend. The one person in the world I will always love above all others. Please baby sis, do it for me…”
Her constant whining had me crumbling in the end and I wore her stupid dress. Actually, it was a very beautiful dress, midnight satin blue, fitted bodice and deep flowing skirt – I still have it, that’s how much I liked it, but I didn’t like wearing it – Oh ok, so that’s pissing you off too!
I have an epiphany! - I do want to wear skirts and dresses. I always push it off like it doesn’t really bother me, but it does.
I want to feel pretty and feminine without the trembling body and the hyperventilating that goes with it, I just want to feel normal.
Darkest Fears Trilogy: Fallen For Him / Freed By Him / Forever With Him Page 20