Darkest Fears Trilogy: Fallen For Him / Freed By Him / Forever With Him

by Clair Delaney

  “So, it was meant to happen now?” he says, smiling down at me.

  “Yeah,” I smile. “I think so. Tristan that day when we met, and I walked into reception and you turned and looked at me, the only way I can describe how it made me feel was...well, I felt like I was home, I was finally home.”

  “Coral!” He gasps, crushing me against his chest again. Then taking me by complete surprise, I hear him sniff loudly.Oh my god!

  “Are you crying?” I squeak in astonishment.

  “No,” he croaks into my hair.

  “You are?” I gasp trying to get him to show me his face, but he’s not having any of it. So I wrap my arms around him, and hold him tighter against me. “Baby, don’t cry for me, please.”

  “Kind of hard not to,” he sniffs. “Your pain is my pain, or haven’t you figured that out yet?”

  I squeeze my eyes shut. “Tristan, it really scares me how much I love you.”

  “Scares me too baby,” he croaks.

  “Well, at least we’re in the scared boat together,” I whisper, holding him tighter to me.

  He chuckles at that one. “Do you think I’m a wuss now?” he mumbles.

  “Sorry?” I say, bemused.

  “For crying, am I less of a man to you?” He asks.

  “Tristan, look at me,” I demand.

  Reluctantly, he lifts his head. His eyes are slightly red, and he has a few stray tears on his cheeks. I lift up my hands to his flushed cheeks and wipe away his tears, then kiss his soft lips.

  “No baby, I don’t think that at all,” I solemnly tell him. “You’re all man to me, I couldn’t feel safer in anyone else’s arms, and everyone cries baby, even the toughest of men.”I smile up at him and stroke his cheeks with my thumbs.

  He sniffs again then leans down and kisses me; his lips are so soft from his tears.“Still wanna marry me?” he croaks against my lips.

  “Yes,” I answer, smiling up at him, wondering what I did to deserve this angel, this magnificent man in my life.

  He gazes down at me, his face haunted with some unnamed emotion.

  “Good,” he whispers. “But I have a condition.” He adds…

  THE PHONE RINGS PULLING ME FROM MY MUSING. I pick up the handset in a daze.

  “Garland and Associates, Coral speaking.”My voice doesn’t sound like me. I frown deeply at the handset. The line is free. There’s no one there.Realization dawns that it’s my mobile buzzing in my bag, not the landline – Not a good sign!

  Replacing the handset and taking my mobile out of my bag, I look at the screen but it doesn’t say who it is. I hate answering anonymous calls.

  “Hello?” I say, my voice low, unfriendly.

  “Darling it’s Gladys.” She shrieks.

  “Oh hi, I didn’t recognise the number?” I softly say.

  “I'm on Malcolm’s mobile.” She tells me.

  I roll my eyes. “Gladys, where’s your mobile?” I ask, already knowing the answer.

  “Lost it.” How many is that now? It’s a good job she only has cheap pay as you go mobiles.“Can you talk darling? Are you at work?” She asks.

  “Of course I’m at work!” I snipe. I’m trying not to get mad with her, even though I know she’s hiding something.

  “Well, I’ll be quick. What are your plans for this Wednesday?” Great there goes my evening to myself.

  “Well’– “Marvellous darling,” she interrupts, then continues excitedly. “Malcolm and I have something for you, so we’ll see you for tea. It will be just you darling?” she questions.

  I frown deeply.“Why?” I question suspiciously.

  “Because, well…what we have for you...Oh I can’t tell you over the phone. Malcolm made me promise,” she says,sounding giddy.

  “Yes,” I sigh. “It will be just me.” I sound sad.

  “Oh good,” I hear Malcolm shout something in the background. “Oh yes, Saturday darling are you free?” Hmm…let me think – I’ll more than likely be shagging Tristan’s brains out!

  “I’m not sure, why?” Why do I feel nervous?

  “Well now you have plans,” she chuckles.

  “I do?” I balk.

  “Yes, Malcolm and I are getting everybody together for a barbeque to meet before the wedding.” She tells me.

  “Everybody?” I squeak.

  “Yes dear, let’s see…there’ll be you, Debbie, Scott&Lily. Malcolm’s daughters Ellie and Erin and their families,Joyce and…oh you’ll never guess’ – “Gladys,” I interrupt, she sounds excited which is great, but I know what she gets like when she’s got her jabbery head on, she’ll talk me to death.“Count me in,” I tell her a little sombrely. What about Tristan?

  Hmm, I don’t want to go on my own, but I'm not ready for everyone to meet him yet. I’m not ready for the third degree treatment that I know we’ll get – Fuck, what do I do?

  “Oh lovely darling, we’ll see you lunchtime, at the house.” She says.

  “Ok,” I mumble. Great a day without Tristan while he’s here in Brighton!

  “Darling are you alright?” Gladys asks, sounding concerned.

  No, I'm not! Fuck it, he has to come!

  “Yeah sure...I can bring a friend right?”

  Gladys sniggers down the phone.“That wouldn’t be Tristan by any chance?” She says.

  I cringe at the gleeful tone her voice has taken on.“Gladys, please don’t make a big deal out of it, we’re just friends. I don't want him being made to feel uncomfortable’ – “Oh hush, he’ll be fine!”

  “Gladys!” I scold. “You and Debs are terrible when you get together. Please, I don't want Tristan to be embarrassed, or me,” I add.

  “I embarrass you?” she asks, her voice a little high pitched.

  “Yes, no, I mean...just...”. Gladys is sniggering again.I sigh inwardly. “Never mind, see you Wednesday,” I say hanging up to even more laughter.

  So now we have a day full of Gladys and Debs and happy families, meeting more new people – Great!God help me! – God help Tristan, I hope he can handle it.Shaking my head, I stare blankly at my half eaten bowl of muesli. Picking up my spoon, I take a mouthful and start chewing, it tastes like cardboard – Yuck!

  I put the bowl down and try to workout what they have planned for me on Wednesday, but nothing comes to mind.I'm still mad at Gladys, and Debs. I know they are both keeping something from me, but maybe I can use this opportunity to talk to them about it, that was my plan for this weekend gone, I guess I kind of got side tracked.

  I get an image flash up of Tristan going down on me – everything south of my waistline contracts. My soul feels as though it’s trying to leave me to go find him, my heart feels like it’s going to burst out my chest – I squeeze my eyes shut, but it doesn’t help, I can’t breathe!

  Ok. Coral deep breaths, yes you have the sexiest man on the face of the planet, but come on, get a grip. You’re at work for god’s sake!

  Once my breathing calms down, I take another mouthful of muesli. I must make sure I eat, if I lose more weight Tristan’s going to know I’ve not been eating, and he won’t be best pleased, just like the comment he made last night about not eating all my evening meal!

  Not that I should worry about what Tristan thinks.It’s not like I can help it, I'm in love, I’ve lost my appetite – if I don't eat, I don't eat, if I lose weight it’s just tough, there’s not much I can do about it.

  Wiggling the mouse on my desk, I take a look at my in-box, there’s some letters with a red flag next to them which means Joyce needs them urgently, I go to open the first one up but no matter how hard I try, I cannot stop thinking about Tristan’s condition…

  I LOOK UP AT TRISTAN WITH WIDE, WORRIED EYES. “What’s the condition?” I whisper, not really wanting to know the answer.

  “I want to know what happened to you.” He gazes down at me, his eyes deep and intense.

  I frown back at him, I have a sinking feeling I know what he means – Being raped, he wants all the gory details! – I wish he wo
uld drop it!

  “Tristan,” I try to move, to pull away from him.

  “Don’t run,” he whispers, gently holding me against him.

  “I'm not running I just...” I stare up at the ceiling. “Why? Why do you want to know?”

  He leans down and kisses my cheek. “I just do.”

  I sigh heavily. “Fine!” I grumble. I decide the best way to go about it is to let Tristan ask the questions. “Ask away,” I gripe, waving my hand.

  Tristan shakes his head in frustration. “I'm just trying to get my head around it Coral, why you’re the way you are.”

  I stare back at him. I don't think we are actually talking about the same thing here.

  “What do you mean?” I ask, my voice trembling slightly.

  “All men make me nervous. All men are creepy. You’ve always felt alone, you don’t like to be tickled, you find it really hard to let people in, you don’t trust anyone. Shall I go on?” Fuck – He’s not talking about what I thought he was.

  “You know about my past,” I bite.

  “Not all of it,” he says, shaking his head. Shit!

  My heart starts pounding against my chest, my breathing erratic.

  “Tristan...please,” I breathe.

  “Does George know?”I ignore that one.“Why can't you just answer the question?” He adds, I can tell he’s getting annoyed with me.

  “Tristan,” I squeeze my eyes shut. “Please don't do this,” I whisper, my mouth dry, my throat getting tighter.

  “Baby, look at me,” he demands.I open my eyes and gaze up at him.“I'm right here baby, nothing and no-one is going to hurt you,” he tells me, softly stroking my cheek, but I feel frozen.“Why do you look so scared?”he adds.

  “Because I feel trapped!” I shout.

  “Trapped?”He says, his voice low.

  “Yes, now move Tristan, get off me...please,” I whimper, choking back unwelcome tears.I don't want him to know about that part of my life! Christ, he’s just got enough out of me!

  His eyes narrow, but he rolls onto his side, freeing me.I stand up and pull my knickers on, then yank Tristan’s t-shirt over my head.Then I stomp into the kitchen – I need a drink.

  I hear Tristan footsteps following me.

  “Why can’t you answer the question?” He repeats in a soft tone, moving around the breakfast bar to reach me. I glance across at him and see he’s put his boxers on. My heart starts pounding even harder, just looking at his body makes it happen.

  I turn away from him and pour myself a Brandy. I gulp it back in one go, wincing slightly as it burns my lungs and hits my empty stomach.

  “Baby…” I see Tristan in my peripheral vision taking a step towards me.

  I turn to him and put my hand up to stop him.“You’re not my god damn therapist Tristan!” I snipe.Turning away from him, I start to pour another large Brandy.

  “That’s not the answer,” he softly says, his long fingers enclosing around mine.He takes the brandy off me and places it on the side, takes my other hand away from the glass and turns me gently to face him.“I want to know Coral, all the good and the bad. I want to start my life with you and I want everything laid out on the table,” he softly says, gazing down at me with those big, loving, soulful eyes.

  I begin to feel very nauseous and lightheaded.“Tristan,” I whisper and squeeze my eyes shut. “Believe me when I say there are some things you’d rather not know.”

  “I very much doubt that, please tell me,” he softly says.

  “Tristan,” I mumble. It’s a warning; a plea for him to stop.

  “Come on baby, it can't be that bad, surely?”

  “Tristan,” I choke and bring my hands to my face, trying to hide the tears that are cascading down my cheeks. “Please, I'm begging you…” I sniff.

  “Please tell me baby, open your heart to me,” he breathes.

  I look up at him through blurry eyes. “Why, it’s not like you can do anything about it? It happened, that’s it. It’s the past!” I shout running my hand through my hair.I feel like I’ve got thousands of ants crawling under my skin.

  “Please baby,” Tristan holds his hand out to me. “Talk to me, let me in,” he begs.

  “No!” I scream in outrage, my hands clenched into fists at my sides. “Why can't you just let this fucking go!” I storm out of the kitchen.

  Reaching the stairs, I run up them two at a time, desperate to get away from him, from his questioning – I feel like screaming I’m so fucking angry.When I reach the master suite, I slam the door behind me in a rage, and come to a stop in front of the king size bed. It’s happening again, just like it did with Justin, they get too close, start to mean too much to me, and I pull away, start to self-destruct it.

  I pace the floor, my hands gripping my hair in frustration, I hate being like this! Why can’t I be like other people? Why, for just one fucking second can’t I feel normal, whole…

  Sometime later, I hear Tristan call me from the bottom of the stairs. I don’t want him here right now, I’m too full of rage to have any kind of coherent conversation. I just need some space, some time to think things through.

  “Tristan, don’t come up here,” I shout, warning him. “I need to calm down ok, just give me some time.”

  “Ok,” he answers, but he doesn’t sound too happy.

  I fall to the floor, the rage finally turning back to tears. I curl myself into a ball and rock myself. Why can't he understand that I can't talk about the past? It’s too horrifying to remember, and I don’t want to remember, I don’t want to go back, I just want to get better.

  I squeeze my eyes shut and rest my head on my knees, trying my best to push the horror of my past away, but what seems like moments later, I hear Tristan again.

  “May I come up?” God damn his good manners – I just can’t say no!

  “Ok,” I croak, then heave myself up off the floor and sit on the edge of the bed. Tristan walks in, I keep my eyes to the floor so all I can see are his naked feet, crouching down in front of me, he hands me another Brandy, then takes a sip of his own.

  “Baby, I’m so sorry I pushed, I didn’t mean to upset you. But you’ve kind of answered my question, whatever it was that happened to you…must have been really bad,” he whispers.

  I finally look at him.“Do you like seeing me like this?” He solemnly shakes his head. “Then stop asking,” I whisper.

  “I can't do that baby. You don’t have to tell me now, I know it scares you.” Reaching up he swipes a tear from my cheek with his thumb. “But we can’t start a life together with the past hanging over our heads baby.”

  I sniff loudly and stare out the window, I know he’s right, of course he’s right. My leg starts jigging up and down, he places his hand on my knee to calm me, the jigging stops.

  Tristan continues. “I want you, and no matter what you think, whatever you tell me won’t change my mind about you, I'm in this for life,” he says, squeezing my knee.

  I sniff again and sip my Brandy. “But it will Tristan, look at how different you were with me after I told you about ....” I look up at the ceiling and take a deep breath. I don't want to keep crying.

  “Yes, it did make a difference, but a good one I think. It’s just made me want to protect you even more. Maybe in time you’ll learn to trust that no matter what you say to me, I won’t leave you Coral. I'm not your Dad, or haven’t you worked that part out yet?”

  My breath catches in my throat, he’s right again. I’ve never had a stable male in my life. Gladys was on her own, how was I ever supposed to come to trust that not all men are like that, without a positive role model to look up to.

  “Tristan, this has nothing to do with you leaving me, I know you’re not my Dad, you’re nothing like him.” I snap.

  “Then what is it?” He asks.

  As I stare back at him, I silently ponder if I should just let George tell him everything, I'm not sure if I can and I hate reliving it.

  “I hate talking about the past,”
I whisper. “And you want to know, and that’s making me nervous. You want to get married sooner rather than later but then you’ve put a condition on it, and that’s not fair. Why can't you accept me the way I am?”

  “I do accept you the way you are, I just want to know all there is to know about you, like you do about me.”

  “Have you considered the possibility that I may freely open up to you once we’re married, because I’ll feel even more secure? I’m not saying that’s what’s going to happen, I may never tell you, but have you considered that?”

  “No, actually I haven’t. That’s a good point,” he muses.

  “And have you considered that the more you push for answers, the more you push me away from you?”

  “No, I hadn’t’ – “And have you considered that by dropping it altogether, that you have more chance of me actually telling you one day?”

  “Ok, very good points Miss Stevens, every one of them taken on board. And I agree, wholeheartedly, no condition, let’s get married.”

  My mouth pops open in shock. He agrees with me?

  “But you just said’– “Coral, I don't want to make this any harder for you, you’ve been through enough. Just give me your word you’ll tell me...one day,” he says, with his hand on my cheek.

  Reluctantly, I nod my head,but it will probably be George that tells him.

  “Well that’s good enough for me,” he smiles his enigmatic smile.

  I sniff again. “I told you the week we met when you took me to lunch...I told you I'm not like other people. I don’t run right. You want to change your mind about it all, now’s the time,” I offer.

  Tristan grins, drains the last of his Brandy, kisses me briefly and stands up holding his hand out to me.“I'm not going anywhere. Now, how about that bath?”

  I look up at him in awe and wonder – Seriously what the fuck is he doing with me?

  SOMEONE IS CLEARING THEIR THROAT, trying to gain my attention. I look up in surprise to see Susannah stood at the side of me. She’s impeccably dressed in a dark blue skirt suit. I think she’s wearing that very same pencil skirt I first saw her in.

  “Hi Coral,” she smiles down at me.

  “Hi,” I mumble, hoping she’ll leave me to my thoughts and my breakfast. “You’re early,” I add despondently.