Darkest Fears Trilogy: Fallen For Him / Freed By Him / Forever With Him

by Clair Delaney

  “I’m sorry Coral, but I’m sure if he knew you, he’d be very proud of who you are,” he says, patting my hand. “I am,” he adds. Oh Bob!

  “Thanks Bob,” I squeak, trying to keep the tears at bay. “How about another game?” I add, trying to get off the subject.

  “Double or nothing?” Bob smiles.

  “Yes,” I giggle.

  Bob sets up the game while I head back inside and get us some more lemonade...

  MY HEART IS HAMMERING AS I WALK DOWN THE STARK, WHITE CORRIDOR This place looks just like the hospital my mother was in, and just like before, I can hear the cries, screams and delusional mumbling’s of the other patients – I shiver internally, it gives me the creeps!

  The male nurse guides me through a set of doors and down another corridor. Susannah has been in solitary confinement since her attack on Tristan and I, and if I don't drop the charges, she’ll go on trial for attempted murder – I wonder if she knows that?

  Finally, the male nurse stops and points to a door. It has a tiny window with metal bars across it. I step forward, and look through. The first thing I notice is that Susannah is sat on the wide window ledge, her arms wrapped tightly around her legs, as she stares despondently out of the window that has metal bars in front of it.

  It’s a very bright room, which I wasn’t expecting. The walls are white, as is the bedding on the small, single bed in the corner.

  “Am I allowed in?” I ask, stepping away from the window.

  “No. You can speak to her in the visitor’s room,” he says, looking me up and down.

  “Ok.” I frown at him. He doesn’t seem very nice, not the kind of guy I would expect to be working here. He’s short, with a belly that’s bulging over his trousers, has small beady eyes that are framed with thick glasses, and thin lips, and he seems like he’s depressed – Maybe it’s the only job he could get?

  “I’ll show you where it is,” he says in a not so nice manner. He reaches out to take hold of my arm. I step out of his reach – Ugh! Creep!

  “You carry on,” I say, gesturing for him to go first. “I’ll follow you.”

  He grimaces at me, sniffs as though he’s displeased and walks ahead. I follow him down another corridor and into a small room, it’s very bleak. Grey walls, grey desk and chair, with a large window dividing the room in half, in the centre is a round grate – I guess that’s so I can hear her.

  “Take a seat, I’ll bring her through,” he says, smiling down at me. I shudder. Somehow, I get the feeling he likes this part of his job, manhandling the patients – Don't think about him Coral, concentrate!

  Moments later, he shuffles Susannah into the room, and keeping a firm grip on her arm, he practically shoves her into the chair opposite me. This doesn’t seem to bother her at all, she’s seems completely despondent, and she hasn’t looked up at me, but I’m guessing that’s because she’s so knocked out from all the drugs swishing round her system.

  I feel a twinge of sadness, she looks a right mess. She’s wearing a light grey baggy cotton top with matching bottoms, her hair is greasy and lank, and her face is pale and sunken with dark grey rings underneath her eyes.

  I should be feeling weird about this, I should be freaking out – after all, this woman tried to kill me – but the only emotion that’s coming to the surface is sorrow – and I know, in that very moment – I was right to come here.

  The male nurse nods to me then stands over in the corner, watching Susannah.

  “Susannah?” I softly say.

  Her eyes slowly come up to meet mine, and when they focus on me, they fill with tears, which quickly overflow, and begin spilling down her cheeks.

  “Hello Coral,” she whispers, then looks down at her twisted hands on the table. “I’m glad you have come,” she adds.

  “You are?” I say, surprised.

  “Yes. I wanted to write a letter to you, but they won't let me,” she says, her voice full of anguish. “I know what I did was unforgivable. Every morning when I wake, I thank god you did what you did and stopped me from harming Tristan, he’s a good man.”

  “He is,” I agree.

  “I wanted to tell you I’m glad you survived too, and I’m sorry, sorry for trying to hurt you.”

  I swallow hard, fighting the tears. “Are they treating you well Susannah?” I ask, glancing at the pervy nurse.

  Susannah shrugs, then sighs heavily. “Doesn’t really matter,” she whispers, her eyes meeting mine again. I can’t help frowning, wondering what she means by that. Has she been mistreated? Abused in some way? You hear about that kind of thing all the time – Concentrate Coral!

  I take a deep breath. “Susannah, I came here to ask you a question,” I softly say.

  “Did you?” Christ! It’s like there’s no life left in the woman!

  “Yes. Do you want another chance?” I ask.

  “Another chance?” she asks, her voice wistful.

  “Yes, a chance to love again. Have a husband, a family, do you want that?”

  “There’s only one thing I want now,” she answers morosely.

  “And what is that?” I whisper.

  “Peace.” She blinks back more tears.

  “Peace? Do you need forgiveness Susannah?”

  “You want to forgive me for what I did?” she questions impassively.

  “If it helps you, then yes, you have my forgiveness.” She winces at my words as though she’s in pain. Does it hurt her to have my forgiveness? “Has that helped you?” I softly ask.

  “I don't deserve your forgiveness,” she says, her voice bleak.

  “Well you have it,” I tell her. “Susannah, please answer my question. Do you want to get better? Have a second chance?”

  “I am resigned to my fate,” she says, her head hung low.

  “You don't want a second chance?” I ask.

  She shakes her head at me, keeping her eyes downcast. “I miss them,” she whimpers. “Every day. I can't stand the pain. I don't want it anymore,” she adds, wiping her hand across her nose.

  “Do...do you mean your husband and your baby Susannah?” I ask.

  She winces again. “There’s nothing more for me here now.” My sharp intake of breath makes her look up. “Thank you for coming to see me Coral,” she adds flatly and gets to her feet.

  The male nurse comes over and takes hold of her arm.

  I quickly stand. “Susannah,” I whisper, staring back at her with wide eyes. I think I know what she’s trying to tell me.

  As the nurse tugs on her arm, she suddenly turns back and looks at me. “I just want to see him again,” she whispers in such a sad, melancholy voice. The male nurse drags her away, I watch him walk her out of the room and close the door behind him.

  I feel sick. I think Susannah was trying to tell me that she...I can't even say the word, she’s already attempted it twice and failed. But that look in her eyes, and what she said, it wouldn’t surprise me if she succeeds. I guess that’s made my decision for me. I’m dropping the charges, there’s no point putting someone on trial for attempted murder, when they couldn’t give a damn about their own life – Ugh! I need to get out of here!

  Getting to my feet, I dash over to the door, yank it open and start running down the corridor. It makes my shoulder throb painfully at me, but I don't care. I keep looking above me, following the exit signs so I don't get lost.

  Reaching the door to reception, I knock loudly so the woman on the front desk can buzz me through. Just as I push the door open, a loud alarm starts pulsing through the building, and red lights begin flashing everywhere. Several men in white uniforms come dashing out of the door next to me, and run in the direction I went when I came to see Susannah.

  “Solitary!” I hear a man shout into his radio as he runs past me.

  And I know, I just know – It’s Susannah. No!

  I have no idea why I do, why I feel so compelled, so concerned, but I start running down the corridor, my shoulder protesting painfully at me again, the jolting
movements making my lung burn. I finally reach the solitary section, slow down to a walking pace, and follow one of the uniforms into the room. No!

  I feel like I’ve walked into the set of a horror movie – only this is real, so real! Oh my God!

  I slap my hand to my mouth in shock. What have you done?

  Susannah is lying on the floor in a pool of thick, dark red blood. The male nurse who bought me here is lying in the corner, seemingly knocked out. I shake my head in horror, I don't think I have ever seen so much blood before.

  One of the nurses has his hand over her throat, trying to stop the blood from pouring out of her. Another nurse is trying to stop the blood pouring from her wrists, whilst another injects her with something. Susannah is still alive, but choking and gurgling on her own blood. I am frozen, completely horrified by what I am seeing.

  ‘There’s nothing here for me now’

  ‘I miss them’

  ‘I can't stand the pain, I don't want it anymore’

  I shake my head as her words from the conversation we just had rush through my mind. I watch, feeling helpless as the nurses try to save her.

  This is what Susannah wanted – This is her peace. Oh Susannah!

  I take a step forward, someone shouts ‘I shouldn’t be in here’, but I don't take any notice of them. I take another step forward, get to my knees and lock eyes with her. We stare at each other for a few seconds, an unspoken truth passing between us. I nod in resignation, reach forward and place my hand on her forehead.

  Susannah is going to die.

  This is what she wanted. I can see she looks frightened and I don't want her to be afraid, or think she is alone, because she’s not – I’m here!

  “It’s ok,” I whisper. “You can let go now.”

  Her lips twitch, trying to smile I think, and then, with one last blood curdling breath, she is gone...

  I PUT MY KEY IN THE LOCK AND TWIST IT. Everything feels surreal. I don't even feel like I’m in my own body. I push the door open, take out my key, step inside and shut the door behind me. I can't believe I just witnessed that – that I was there, when it happened.

  I stare down at the floor, feeling numb with shock.

  I hear laughter. Tristan and Edith are in the kitchen. As my senses start to come back to me, I realise there’s music playing – James Morrison’s I Won't Let Go – That’s probably why Tristan hasn’t heard me. But the song, which I know so well, makes me think of Susannah, about her desperate love for her husband that died and the baby she lost.

  I bring my hand to my mouth and blink back tears. Is she with him now? Is she at peace? Have they all found one another? Oh, I hope so...

  In my peripheral vision, I see Stuart coming up the stairs from the ground floor, he gasps in horror when he sees me.

  “Jesus Christ – Tristan!” He bellows, dashing over to me. “Where are you hurt Coral?” He desperately says, completely panicked.

  “Coral!” Tristan bellows as he runs over to me, his face completely horror struck. “Coral! He gasps as he reaches me, taking me in his arms, checking me all over. “What’s happened, where are you hurt? – Christ, call an ambulance Stu’!” Stuart pulls his mobile out of his pocket.

  “Coral?” Tristan bellows, shaking me. “What’s happened?”

  I frown up at him, still feeling shocked by what I just witnessed.

  “What?” I tremble, trying to work out why he and Stuart are acting so panicked, they don't know what’s happened yet?

  “The blood,” Tristan shouts, his eyes wide with panic.

  “What?” I say, bemused.

  “Coral look,” he says, gesturing to my body. I look down and see what he means – No!

  I’m covered in Susannah’s blood. It’s on my wedges, my white linen trousers are now deep red, my green vest top has splatters all over it, there’s blobs of blood on my arms, my right hand, the hand that I put on Susannah’s forehead; is stained a deep red too.

  I shake my head, revolted.

  “Coral!” Tristan shouts, shaking me again.

  “It’s not my blood!” I manage to shout.

  Tristan and Stuart freeze. “You’re not hurt?” Tristan questions, his eyes searching my face.

  I shake my head at him. “Then who Coral, who’s hurt?” He asks, his voice lower, calmer. I look up at him; he looks desperately worried.

  “Susannah,” I manage to whimper.

  His face falls, but I can see the relief behind his eyes. “Susannah?” He questions. I shake my head, unable to give him any explanation. I have to get out of these clothes – now!

  I pull out of Tristan’s hold, and run full pelt down the hallway, past the kitchen, up the two flights of stairs and into our bedroom.

  Tristan is right behind me as I yank the en-suite door open, then the shower door. I turn the shower on, rip my vest top off, kick my one foot, then the other, my wedges flying into the air, and finally strip my linen trousers off, taking my knickers with them.

  Completely naked and feeling as though I want to throw up, I dive underneath the shower. I pick up my loafer, squirt some shower cream onto it and start frantically scrubbing, the water pooling at my feet becoming a red river, swirling round and round – No!

  I close my eyes, and choke back the horror as I continue to scrub at my skin. I know Tristan is right beside me, I can feel his body heat, smell his potent scent.

  “Coral, what happened?” he softly asks. I open my eyes and look up at him. I shake my head, still unable to articulate anything, still scrubbing hard.

  Tristan’s hand stills me. “Baby, please, tell me what happened?”

  I take a deep breath and meet his worried gaze. “She...she killed herself Tristan...she’s gone,” I garble – then burst into tears.

  “Oh my God!” Tristan looks horrified, but wraps me into his arms and holds me for the longest time...

  I’M SAT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BEDwith my hair wrapped up in a towel. The warm fluffy robe that Tristan bought for me is wrapped around me, keeping me warm. Tristan has gone downstairs to get me a Brandy, I think he is getting one for himself too. He looks just as shocked as I feel. Tristan enters the bedroom with two large glasses of amber liquid. He sits next to me, hands me my drink then puts his arm around my waist, giving me a gentle squeeze.

  We are both silent as we sip our drinks. I still can't believe that’s just happened. Susannah must have been so desperately sad to do that, to resort to such drastic measures. I look down at my glass and glug the rest back. I can feel it hitting me; burning at first, then warming as it trickles down. Even though he hasn’t asked yet, I know Tristan’s going to need an explanation, and I’d rather get it done, out of the way now. I take a deep breath, and tell him what happened, from beginning to end...

  “I wish you’d have told me you were going to see her,” he says, his eyes closed, his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose.

  “Why? What difference would it have made,” I whimper.

  “I’d have pulled you away, got you out of there so you didn’t see any of it,” he says through gritted teeth. “That must have been...just...so horrific Coral,” he adds, shaking his head in disbelief.

  “It was,” I choke.

  Tristan hands me the last drop of his Brandy. “I think you need it more than I do,” he explains.

  I half smile at him and glug it back. I’m starting to feel a little calmer now, less shocked, and more resigned. I don't know how Susannah did that, what she used to cause such damage, especially considering the fact that she’s in a mental institution and patients are spot checked for weapons, but whatever it was, she was determined to get it right, to succeed.

  I shake my head not understanding it, what a waste of a life, and such a young life too.

  I mean, I didn’t have an easy start, it was bloody horrendous actually, but never, at any point, have I thought about taking my own life. But I have to think about Susannah’s situation, how she evidently felt about her husband, losing him must have h
it her so hard. I couldn’t imagine Tristan not being in my life, and I know, deep down inside, if he died I would not survive that.

  “She must have been so sad,” I say.

  “Yes, much worse than...” Tristan breaks off. I look up at him, he looks like he’s in pain. I’m reminded of what Susannah told me about the man that used to work for Tristan that committed suicide, how he felt bad that he didn’t know what he was going though, that it was too late to help him.

  “You couldn’t have done anything to help her Tristan. This isn’t your fault, you know that right?”

  He sighs heavily and slowly nods, then he looks up at me. “Baby, let me dry your hair,” he softly says.

  “Can we have another Brandy first?” I ask.

  “One condition,” he tells me. He’s frowning deeply, I want to reach up and stroke the v that forms between his eyebrows.

  “What is it Tristan,” I softly ask.

  “You promise me you’ll eat tonight. Edith has made a fish pie, she’s keeping it warm until you’re ready.” My stomach grumbles in appreciation – I only had a small salad at lunch.

  I nod once. “I just want to...I don't know, get over the shock a little first,” I breathe.

  “That’s understandable baby,” Tristan says, kissing my temple. “I’ll be back in a moment.” I watch him stand, and walk out of the room.

  I have desperately missed him today. I think I was actually starting to piss Rob off! The amount of times he had to snap me out of another daydream about Tristan was unbelievable – Embarrassing now I come to think of it!

  In a daze, I get to my feet, then head over to my walk in closet so I can get dressed...

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  WE ARE SITTING AT THE KITCHEN TABLE EATING EDITH’S FISH PIE. It’s really delicious, but not going down too well. I force myself to eat it though, I need to build my strength back up, and put some weight back on. Tristan and I both look better, I can't see his ribs anymore, and I don't look so skinny, but I want to get back to how I was before. Tristan is glancing across at me every now and then – I think he’s mad? –Why oh why did that have to happen?