Works of W. W. Jacobs

by Jacobs, W. W.

  SETON. Ay, ay, sir. (touches his cap)

  (TOM begins a deep laugh and turns it into a groan.)

  CAPTAIN. (eyeing him sharply) I’ve a damn good mind —

  AUGUSTUS. Captain, Captain. (in a thrilling whisper) I seed her under the next lamp-post.

  CAPTAIN. Who?

  AUGUSTUS. The stout party who was after you.

  CAPTAIN. Great Scott! It’s “Egypt.”

  (Darts out. AUGUSTUS goes to window. SETON sits L)

  TOM. (crosses to SETON) Oh! He’s a wonder, he is — lively! Lively’s no name for him! Now wot about that fiver!

  SETON. What?

  TOM. That fiver.

  SETON. Here you are. (gives note.)

  TOM. (goes to bar) Hooray! On the blooming bust for a month!

  (Enter MRS. BALDWIN C., gets stuck in the door) (SETON rises, goes down L.)

  MRS. BALDWIN. I beg pardon.

  SETON. Hallo!

  TOM. (R.) Look what’s blown in!

  MRS. BALDWIN. I beg pardon, but have you seen a gentleman by the name of Captain Barley?

  TOM. (goes up R. to door) He’s just gone, ma’am.

  MRS. BALDWIN. Gone? Oh dear! and my poor legs not what they was!

  TOM. (leads her down R.) Come inside and rest, ma’am. There now! Did ‘ems, did ‘ems!

  MRS. BALDWIN. (sits C.) Where’s he gone?

  (SETON goes to her L. mysteriously.)

  SETON. He didn’t leave word, ma’am (mysteriously) He went off in a bit of a ‘urry, and he ses, ses he, “Billy,” he ses, “if I ain’t back at ‘igh water, take the ship out yourself.”

  MRS. BALDWIN. Oh dear, dear! Did he look desperate?

  SETON. (steps back L.) Ah! What do you think, Tom?

  TOM. Ah, didn’t he? (lights his pipe)

  MRS. BALDWIN. (in great distress) I knew it! (rises, goes to TOM — whispers) The landlady? Mrs. Porter? Where is she?

  TOM. (leaning on bar) Was ‘ere a minute ago.

  MRS. BALDWIN. (whispers suspiciously) Has she gone with him?

  TOM. Lor, no mum. (pointing R.) She’s in there.

  MRS. BALDWIN. I was sure of it. Did they — did they seem to be — well, you know what I mean — was he payin’ her compliments?

  TOM. Last I saw of ’em they was ‘avin’ words.

  MRS. BALDWIN. Oh, how I’ve wronged him! (sits c.) Oh, how I’ve wronged him!

  SETON. (goes to her) Anything the matter, ma’am?

  MRS. BALDWIN. (mincingly) Only a misunderstanding. But misunderstandings between them as loves — There — you’ve only got to read the papers to see what they leads to. And I wanted to explain —

  SETON. Can I give him a message?

  MRS. BALDWIN. You’re a nice, kind young man, I’m sure.

  TOM. (comes to c.) So am I, lady, (grins)

  MRS. BALDWIN. Yes; when you see him tell him I take it all back.

  SETON. Take what back, ma’am?

  MRS. BALDWIN. What — what I called him. (looking at SETON)

  TOM. (goes to her) What did you call him, ma’am?

  MRS. BALDWIN, (smilingly turns to TOM and retreats with fright when she sees his face — bashfully)

  Oh, I don’t know as I could — There! I called him a — a flirt!

  (TOM goes down R., SETON down L., laughing)

  TOM. What! Cap’n Barley! Oh, ma’am, ‘ow could you? (leans against bar)

  MRS. BALDWIN. (furious) It’s all John Dibbs’s doing —

  SETON. (starting — aside) John Dibbs — hulloa!

  MRS. BALDWIN. And with the other trouble comm’ on the top of it —

  SETON. (turns to her — anxiously) What other trouble?

  MRS. BALDWIN. Why, our Miss Ethel running away —

  SETON. (goes to her, mastering himself) Who — who are you, ma’am?

  MRS. BALDWIN. Baldwin my name is. I’m housekeeper up to Major Smedley’s.

  (AUGUSTUS is suddenly all attention and comes out of the window unnoticed, exclaiming)

  AUGUSTUS. Smedley!

  (Rain ready.)

  MRS. BALDWIN. And Miss Ethel’s run away, poor thing; and they’re all hunting for her, and, oh dear! dear!

  AUGUSTUS. (coming forward with one flourish down it c.) That must be the Cap’n’s young lady!

  (SETON up L. and TOM up R. signal furiously to AUGUSTUS to hold his tongue.)

  MRS. BALDWIN. (rises) What?

  AUGUSTUS. Ah! Her wot’s coming on a trip with us. (TOM kicks him) Her name is Smedley..I seed it on ‘er bag.

  TOM. You’ve been drinking!

  AUGUSTUS. I know who’s been drinking. Why, I’ve just finished getting ‘er bunk ready for her. TOM throws cloth at him) What yer doing? Cap’n Barley was most particular.

  MRS. BALDWIN. (going off into hysterics) What! Oh! Oh! (alls into SETON’S arm, who is L.)

  SETON. (to TOM) Take that young fool outside — and kick him.

  (Rain.)

  (TOM takes AUGUSTUS by the collar and seat and thrusts him out c., going out with him. AUGUSTUS howls and kicks. Exit to R.)

  SETON. (Goes down stage to R. with MRS. BALDWIN in his arms) What the devil am I to do with this?

  (Puts her in chair and gets L.)

  MRS. BALDWIN. (reviving) Oh! Oh! And Miss Ethel whom I nussed before I could walk — I mean, she could walk, (fiercely) I’ll go to the Major and get the police, (goes up L.)

  SETON. (hastily, seizes her arm, on her R.) Wait a minute! Wait a minute! That won’t do. Listen. Trust in me. (brings her down)

  MRS. BALDWIN. I don’t trust nobody never no more.

  SETON. We must avoid scandal. Think of the Major’s feelings.

  MRS. BALDWIN. (crosses to R., he follows her) Think of my feelings. (looking at him) And who are you, pray? —

  SETON. I’m — I’m the mate and I happen to know all about it. I met Dibbs, you know. Dibbs told me why Miss Ethel had bolted.

  MRS, BALDWIN. With Captain Barley!

  SETON. With Capt — eh? (bursts into laughter — goes to L. MRS. BALDWIN goes up to window annoyed — SETON, with a new idea) By George! She’d make a damn good chaperon, and if I don’t get her away somehow she’ll spoil the whole show. I say! (MRS. BALDWIN comes down) I’ve an idea. I’ll conceal you on the barge. When she comes on board, you pop up and claim her. Think of the gratitude of the family!

  MRS. BALDWIN. Oh, I can’t!

  SETON. (solemnly) Very well, then you’ll lose her. (goes to her) Nobody knows where she is now. I think she’s coming aboard to-morrow at Hedge End. But I’m not sure. They’re so artful!

  MRS. BALDWIN. Ah-ah!

  SETON. (hurriedly) It’s the only way. Trust me. (gets R. of MRS. BALDWIN and tries to force her up C., she turns to him) You’ll be all right. Think of Captain Barley’s face when you rise up out of the hold. Only think of his face! (tries to force her up C., she turns to him)

  MRS. BALDWIN. But — but —

  SETON. That’s all right, (tries to force her up C., she turns to him) I’ll make you a comfortable shakedown in the hold. You’ll sleep like a top; and when the right moment comes, I’ll give three knocks (stamps on stage) One! two! three! Then up you come.

  Think of the gratitude —

  MRS. BALDWIN. It’s Captain Barley I’m thinking of. (goes to L.)

  (Re-enter TOM, comes down c.)

  SETON. That’s right. You think of his face. Think of him. Think of her. Think of them! Here, Tom, this lady’s going to be stowed away in the hold. Make her snug — see? (gives him another tip)

  TOM. There’s room for a dozen more at the same price.

  SETON. Take her along — and keep Augustus out of the way.

  TOM. Come along, mum.

  SETON. (to MRS. BALDWIN, who is being led away by TOM) Don’t you be alarmed. You trust in me. I shall be looking after you, and when I give three knocks —

  MRS. BALDWIN, (at door, wailing) Oh, Jem! Jem!

  SETON. That’s it! Think of his face.

  (Rain)

/>   (Exeunt MRS. BALDWIN and TOM C. to L.)

  (Sits c., laughs, wiping his brow) Phew! Now, Miss Ethel! (he takes a matchbox off the bar and throws it at the door upstairs) —

  (ETHEL appears.)

  ETHEL. Did any one knock? (she comes out on to the landing)

  SETON. (R. C., very politely in rough voice) Good evening, Miss Smedley.

  ETHEL. (anxiously, leaning over the balustrade and examining him) Who are you?

  SETON. (touching his cap) Bill Stubbs, miss — first mate aboard Captain Barley’s — liner — I’m ——

  ETHEL. (interrupting him) What do you want?

  SETON. I was told to keep a heye on you.

  ETHEL. (amazed and frightened) To keep a heye on me?

  SETON. (nods) Cap’n’s orders, miss.

  ETHEL. (coming anxiously down a few steps) I know your voice — you’re —

  SETON. Bill Stubbs, miss.

  ETHEL. (comes further down) You’re — (comes to him) you’re Lieutenant Boyne.

  SETON. Bill Stubbs, miss.

  (Rain stops.)

  ETHEL. Why — what — you were dressed differently this afternoon.

  SETON. Sunday clothes, miss.

  ETHEL. And you spoke differently.

  SETON. Did I, miss. Perhaps that was through living up to the clothes.

  ETHEL. (puzzled) What does it mean? (with a little anxious cry) Oh! (miserably) You were lying this afternoon.

  SETON. NO, miss.

  ETHEL. (goes to him — joyfully) No?

  SETON. NO!

  ETHEL. (impatiently retreats) But how could you be a Lieutenant in the Navy this afternoon, and now — a — what you are?

  SETON. (touching his cap) For the purpose of keeping a heye on you — miss.

  ETHEL. Oh! you’ve followed me through the town!

  SETON. Yes, miss.

  ETHEL. And you mean to follow me to London?

  SETON. Yes, miss. (goes to her)

  ETHEL. (goes to L. haughtily) Indeed! Well, I shall tell Captain Barley not to take you. I have no doubt you are a common sailor —

  SETON. (humbly, with fingers to cap) Yes, miss.

  ETHEL. But there are common sailors I like better. You may go now. (crosses in front to R.)

  SETON. (L.) But what about our bargain, miss?

  ETHEL. (R., haughtily) Bargain?

  SETON. I was to come to-morrow morning to be introduced to Major Smedley.

  ETHEL. That was Lieutenant Boyne, not Bill Stubbs.

  SETON. Dear, dear, then I shall have to go and introduce myself, (going up L.)

  ETHEL. (sharply and quickly) And tell my father where I am?

  SETON. I dare say he’d like to know.

  ETHEL. YOU horrid, overbearing — how dare you talk to me like this? How dare you follow me?

  SETON (coming toe.) I only happened to be a-going the same way, miss. Quite by chance I ‘appened to meet John Dibbs and he told me you’d bolted.

  (laughs) I never, thought as ‘ow we was going to be shipmates.

  (Rain.)

  ETHEL. (stamping her foot) Oh, do talk properly. (turns up R. a few steps)

  SETON. I can’t miss, (goes to chair c.)

  ETHEL. (staring) Can’t! Why not!

  SETON. Acos all my impidence ‘ud desart me (kneels on chair c.) I feel more easy like as a ‘umble sailor obeyin’ his cap’n’s commands — and keeping a heye (confidentially) a necessary heye —

  ETHEL. (close to him) You’re an impertinent, abominable, insulting, thick-skinned (hissing) s-s-spy! (crosses to L.)

  SETON. Thank you, miss. You are a-giving of me a character.

  ETHEL. (angrily) If you’re so lost to all gentlemanly feeling as to insist on coming, I suppose I must go home.

  SETON. (goes to her — calmly) You can’t, miss.

  ETHEL. Oh, indeed! As if my father and mother wouldn’t be glad enough to have me.

  SETON. Yes, miss, and so would Mr. Herbert Manners.

  ETHEL. (startled and confused) What do you know about him?

  SETON. Only what John Dibbs told me. He’s looking for you, and when he finds you, he’ll take precious good care not to lose sight of you again!

  ETHEL. What hateful things men are! (goes to L., then a step to c.)

  SETON. Yes, miss, I like girls better.

  ETHEL. Oh! — if you insist on coming, I shall tell Captain Barley to lead you an awful life.

  SETON. (cheerfully) Anything in a good cause, miss.

  ETHEL. (speechless) Oh! (goes on to third stair — faces to L.) Will you kindly tell me why Lieutenant Seton Boyne is honouring me by dogging my footsteps and mixing himself up in my concerns?

  SETON. (speaking in his own voice, drawing himself up and looking at her, goes to L. C.) I haven’t the pluck to tell you. Besides, it’s unnecessary.

  ETHEL. Unnecessary?

  SETON. (goes to stairs) Yes. You know.

  ETHEL. (gasping) I — I know!

  SETON. (firmly) Yes!

  ETHEL. (confused, indignant, haughty, delighted. Finally draws herself up with magnificent hauteur) Good night.

  (Begins to go upstairs — rain stops.)

  SETON. (rough voice) Good-night. I’ll wake you in the morning, (up L.) When I give three knocks up you — oh no, that’s not you!

  ETHEL. (halfway up) What do you mean?

  SETON. Nothing, nothing, (goes to R. c.)

  ETHEL. (on the landing) I shall tell Captain Barley who you are.

  SETON. (humbly) Yes, miss. Bill Stubbs, miss. (his own voice) Chaperon, (moves chair c up R. C.)

  (ETHEL exit, slamming her door. SETON goes to bar, knocking. At the same moment enter CAPTAIN BARLEY, C., with rain on his coat. He looks round cautiously over settle at fireplace.)

  CAPTAIN. Have you got rid of her? (comes down c.) —

  SETON. (comes to c., confused) Got rid of who? CAPTAIN. Didn’t the middle-aged party come? SETON. Oh, that one!

  CAPTAIN. Great Scott! Any more of ’em been here?

  SETON. NO. We got rid of the old ‘un.

  CAPTAIN. That’s all right, (crosses to R.) Have a gargle? (call) Mrs. Porter! (knocks on the bar — whistles — bangs pot on bar)

  (Enter MRS. PORTER. CAPTAIN goes to bang louder, seeing her he whistles.)

  Two pints, missis. (MRS. PORTER looks in the air, and while MRS. PORTER draws it, to SETON) Affability. That’s wot it is with me. No harm, but too much affability.

  MRS. PORTER. (handing him the mug — haughtily) Here’s your beer. (bangs pot on counter. The beer spirts over CAPTAIN)

  CAPTAIN. (wipes face) I’ve got it.

  (MRS. PORTER hands the other pot,)

  Thank you, my sweetie, (pays sixpence for beer) MRS. PORTER. Indeed! (takes money, gives two-pence change, goes up R.)

  CAPTAIN. (hands mug to SETON) See that? Only this evenin’ she was as sweet as sugar. You’re a little bit younger than me! you take my tip. Don’t be affable to more than one gal at a time — in the same port.

  (BOTH drink.)

  (SETON nods and retires to settle c. GEORGE has come under flap from behind the bar with a tray on which is one cup of tea and a plate of bread and butter. He crosses the stage, goes upstairs to ETHEL’S room, knocks, enters.)

  CAPTAIN. (MRS. PORTER going off) My dear — my pet — Pussy, (to MRS. PORTER, who is haughtily going out R.) Twopenny smoke.

  (MRS. PORTER gets down a box R.; jabs him with box to make him look round.)

  CAPTAIN. (looking at cigars — thinking better of it) No, no. (pushes box away — with a glance at ETHEL’S door) Your twopennys ain’t popular (GEORGE comes out of room) with the ladies! Hang the expense. Fourpenny smoke! (to GEORGE, — who is on the stairs)

  Was that the tea, George?

  GEORGE, (down L. C.) Um.

  CAPTAIN. I beg your pardon — ?

  GEORGE. I said “um.”

  (While he is looking at GEORGE, MRS. PORTER stands still holding out the same box, and stares at something ten miles off as she s
erves him.)

  CAPTAIN. Georgie. (takes a cigar, cracks it at his right ear with right hand, smells it) That’s a bit of all right. What a difference twopence makes. (bites the end off, spits it out)

  MRS. PORTER. Disgusting!

  CAPTAIN. (grins at her, takes out money, pays fourpence) Cash four d. Match, please.

  MRS. PORTER. (looks for matchbox, can’t find it, coldly) Light it at the gas. (bangs cigar-box on shelf down R.)

  (Exit R.)

  CAPTAIN. (looking after her) Ho! Nasty now! Affability, that’s what it is with me, no harm. (light cigar, then crosses to c.) Too much affability, (eyeing cigar critically — puffs) Lively romer.

  (Takes another puff c., blows smoke in GEORGE’S face, who is L. C. GEORGE sneezes once.)

  (wipes his coat with handkerchief) Don’t yer like it? It’s one of your own fourpennys. (goes up stairs singing — )

  “Girls, girls, with your curls, curls, curls, I love you, all of you, short —— —— —” (opens door)

  Here I am again.

  (Exit.)

  (GEORGE sits L. C., choking. Rain.)

  (Enter at back MAJOR SMEDLEY and MANNERS.

  MANNERS has him by the arm Both very wet. SETON goes into window.)

  MAJOR. It’ll pass off with a little brandy. Where the devil’s the landlady?

  GEORGE. (rises) Minding the supper. I’ll call her. (crosses to R.)

  (Exit behind bar, calling.)

  Lovey — lovey!

  MAJOR. HOW many miles have we walked? (goes to bar)

  MANNERS. (down L. C.) Ten, I should think.

  (Enter MRS. PORTER behind bar.)

  MAJOR. Er — um — glass o’ your — your best brandy.

  (MRS. PORTER goes up R. for brandy. GEORGE comes under flap. Pops his head round, looking up at MAJOR.)

  MAJOR. (drops stick) God bless my soul, don’t do that.

  GEORGE. Beg pardon, beg pardon.

  (Goes up o., brings table and chair down c., takes pot to bar.)

  MAJOR. (picks up stick — to MANNERS) YOU going to — ?

  MANNERS. NO, thank you. (goes to bar below MAJOR)

  (MRS. PORTER serves him. MAJOR pays — MRS. PORTER gives change,)

  (to MRS. PORTER) Oh, I say — have you seen a young — ?

  MAJOR. (kicking him) Shut up!