Works of W. W. Jacobs

by Jacobs, W. W.

  MRS. PORTER. Seen a young — ?

  MAJOR. (to MRS. PORTER) Nothing, ma’am. You’re minding the supper, I believe. Don’t let us keep vou.

  MRS. PORTER. Thank you, sir.

  (Exit.)

  MANNERS. But ——

  MAJOR. (few steps to c.) Think I want the whole town to know it?

  (MANNERS goes to L. C. MAJOR turns to bar just as GEORGE, who has come down R., disappears under flap.)

  God bless my soul!

  (GEORGE’S head peeps over counter.)

  Don’t do it!

  GEORGE. Beg pardon, beg pardon.

  (Exit R.)

  MAJOR. (sits R. of table, puts his glass on table) Ah — I have a conviction I shall never see my poor girl again.

  (SETON is attentive in window.)

  MANNERS. Oh, nonsense, Major, (takes chair from L., sits L. of table)

  MAJOR. (furious) What the devil do you mean by nonsense, sir. She’s been hounded out of her home — her own home. That’s the kindness women have for each other — if I’d known her mother was going to treat her like that —— — (drinks and shakes his head)

  MANNERS. But I say, by Jove, you know —

  MAJOR. (fiercely) And you too, Manners.

  (SETON gets up, expresses his agonized anxiety.)

  How dare you thrust your unwelcome attentions on her? Between you and her mother, my poor girl —

  (sighs)

  MANNERS. Hang it all, sir? How was I to know?

  MAJOR. HOW were you to know, sir! Why, damme, weren’t you writing letters to her? Wasn’t she writing them to you? You ought to’ve read between the lines; it must have been there.

  MANNERS. Well, I couldn’t see it.

  MAJOR. That was her tender-heartedness — her gentleness. Come, what did she say in her last letter?

  MANNERS. Nothing much.

  MAJOR. There you are.

  MANNERS. All she said was that your temper was getting worse every day.

  MAJOR. Her humour, sir — the humour of that girl — there! Why, you can see what my temper is!

  MANNERS. I thought you’d been dropping on her —

  MAJOR. I! (shouts) Why, confound and dash it, sir, she and I, we’ve been sworn playmates ever since she was born. No, no; it’s her mother — damn bad-tempered woman. (rises, goes to R. with glass of brandy) Mind, as soon as we’ve found her —

  (SETON goes at back to down L. with beer.)

  I expect you to withdraw your suit.

  MANNERS. (rises, goes to MAJOR) Well, but —

  MAJOR. I shall expect you to withdraw your suit. MANNERS, (goes to L. C., to SETON) I say, my man, do you happen to have seen a young — ?

  MAJOR. (R. O.) Damn it, sir, will you hold your tongue?

  (MANNERS goes to MAJOR.)

  (LUCY appears at the swing doors.)

  LUCY. Oh, Auntie, here they are.

  (Enter LUCY and MRS. SMEDLEY — both very wet — they are going out again.)

  MRS. SMEDLEY. Oh, I don’t think we can go in there.

  MAJOR. Eh? (swallows the remainder of the brandy hastily)

  MANNERS. Ah! (goes up R. C. to LUCY, who comes to fireplace)

  (SETON’S predicament is worse than ever. He goes under gallery up L.)

  MAJOR. Ah — come in, my dear. Come in. Herbert and I took shelter from the rain.

  (MANNERS is busy wiping LUCY’S dress. Rain stops.)

  MRS. SMEDLEY. (comes down L. C.) Oh, and it’s still raining. And my poor Ethel, without a dry thread on her —

  MAJOR. Confound it, Susan, what’s the use of a dry thread?

  [Enter CAPTAIN BARLEY above.)

  MRS. SMEDLEY. (down L. C.) Oh, what a horrid place, oh! (seeing BARLEY). My good man, have you seen —

  (SETON up L. signals to BARLEY frantically.)

  MAJOR. (takes her to R. c by her arm) Will you be quiet, Susan. We’ve got to keep this to ourselves. If we can’t find her, nobody can.

  (CAPTAIN and SETON exchange signals. CAPTAIN can’t understand what’s up.)

  Here, come into the window; let’s see what’s to be done next?

  (He and MRS. SMEDLEY go into the window.)

  LUCY. (comes to back of table c. — to HERBERT) I’m so sorry for you.

  MANNERS. (a little above, R. of her) By Jove, that is good of you. D’you know, I don’t seem to feel it as much as I ought —

  LUCY. Oh, how wrong —

  MANNERS. (significantly) I had such a warm welcome, you know.

  LUCY. (moves up R. to window) I can’t imagine what you mean.

  MAJOR. Here, Lucy — Manners — come here.

  (CAPTAIN comes down. They go into window.)

  CAPTAIN. (hushed, to SETON) Who’s that crowd?

  SETON. (down L. c., meaningly) Parties wot’s lost a young lady —

  CAPTAIN. What! Do they know she’s (pointing) up there?

  SETON. (meaningly) Oh? Is she?

  CAPTAIN. What’s that to you? (crosses to c.) What you’ve got to do is to get ’em out o’ the house.

  SETON. Me? How?

  CAPTAIN. I don’t care how. H’anyhow. Here, pretend you’re — drunk.

  SETON. Pretend I’m drunk!

  CAPTAIN. Pretend you’re drunk and fight ’em. (crosses to L. and gets on stairs)

  SETON. (goes to stair rail) Wotjer take me for?

  CAPTAIN. (over rail, fiercely) Won’t yer?

  SETON. Not I!

  CAPTAIN. All right, my fine feller! Don’t you expect any free passage on my ship then. That’s all! (goes up)

  SETON. Here, I say — (goes on stairs)

  CAPTAIN. YOU heard me. (goes up and kicks out at SETON)

  (SETON jumps off stairs.)

  (MAJOR rises and goes to bar.)

  (Enter MRS. PORTER R. at bar.)

  MRS. PORTER. (who has just entered, to MAJOR, who comes forward) There’s a nice coffee room up them stairs, sir, if you ladies would like to wait there till the shower’s over.

  (The others come down K. C.)

  MAJOR. (moves to c., seeing CAPTAIN BARLEY, who is rigid with horror at the head of the stairs) Ah — thanks — seems occupied.

  MRS. PORTER. (with great contempt.) Oh, that’s only Captain Barley and his grand-daughter. They don’t count. I’ll send you ladies up some tea.

  Ghastly anguish of CAPTAIN, who rolls about signalling desperately to SETON to he drunk.)

  MRS. SMEDLEY. (down R. C.) It would be nice, William, Lucy and I could have a good cry.

  MAJOR. Hang it, Susan, ain’t you damp enough already? All right then, (going L.)

  MRS. PORTER. I’ll order the tea.

  (Exit with a sniff at the CAPTAIN.) —

  MAJOR. (to his party) Come on, my dear, come on. (music)

  (MRS. SMEDLEY and LUCY cross to L. C. MANNERS down R. But SETON has seated himself halfway up the stairs with his bap down over his eyes. He is waving his mug of beer in his hand and wagging his head foolishly.)

  SETON. (to MRS. SMEDLEY) Come along, my dear, plenty of room (hic) — come s’t beside me. Plenty room — plenty of room.

  MRS. SMEDLEY and LUCY run over to MANNERS horrified. They talk excitedly.)

  MAJOR. (hangs rail with stick) Get out of the way, you scoundrel.

  SETON. Reckoning with fore finger) Look ‘ere, I wan’ talk t’ you. Lis’en to me. Lis’en me.

  MAJOR. Manners, turn him out. — (goes to R. c.)

  MANNERS. By Jove! (rushes over to SETON)

  (SETON rises to his feet with a yell, sways and drops the mug, which smashes on MANNER’S foot. MANNERS hops for a second, then quickly takes his coat off. Women scream. Enter MRS. PORTER.)

  MRS. PORTER, (calls) George! George! George! MRS. SMEDLEY. (to MAJOR) Oh, let’s get out of this horrid place.

  (MRS. SMEDLEY and LUCY go up R. C.) (MAJOR starts as GEORGE comes under flap.) GEORGE, (who has entered and seized the situation at a glance) Outside!

  (He rushes over to L., dashes at SETON, who is sitting on stairs, and who r
eceives him in his arms and dangles him on his knees. MANNERS laughs and puts coat on, goes to R.)

  MAJOR, (R. C., to MRS. PORTER) I’ll report you at the Sessions, ma’am.

  (MAJOR goes up to L. C. MRS. SMEDLEY runs to L. C, LUCY goes to MANNERS R. MRS. SMEDLEY goes to MANNERS as LUCY comes to L.C. MRS. SMEDLEY goes up R. c to MAJOR. MANNERS goes to LUCY — they go up L. to C.)

  (to his party) Come! — (goes to door c.)

  (Exeunt MRS. SMEDLEY, MAJOR, LUCY, MANNERS. SETON carries GEORGE, staggers to bar, throws GEORGE over bar, glass crash off R. At the same moment ETHEL comes out of her room, and the CAPTAIN seeing the coast clear comes downstairs. ETHEL sees SETON’S extraordinary behaviour, follows CAPTAIN.)

  ETHEL. What’s the matter?

  CAPTAIN. (crosses R. — to SETON) Get on the barge if you can, and put your head under the pump!

  SETON. (up c., dazed) No, but I say — !

  CAPTAIN. (with magnificent dignity) If you’re going to talk to me you had better find another ship! ETHEL. Oh, Captain Barley what a dreadful man! CAPTAIN, (R. C., with fatherly solicitude) Don’t take no notice o’ him, my pretty. He’s intosticated.

  (He gallantly offers her his arm, and as they turn up L.C. to go out c., leaving SETON leaning on bar too astonished to say a word)

  THE CURTAIN FALLS.

  (Music forte.)

  The barge is made to run on small wheels, and is drawn on by a winch. As in most theatres there is not room for the full length of the barge to be hidden behind the wing, it is made in two sections, joined by hinges. The back part of the barge is drawn up against the wall, and as the barge runs forward on to the stage it is slowly lowered so as to come level with the forehalf. The crew jump in before it passes the hiding wing. The following sketches will show the working: —

  NOTE. — It is not essential to have the barge constructed to wheel on and off. The authors have arranged the text of this act in an appendix so that the barge can be discovered on rise of curtain and remain stationary during the entire scene.

  ACT III.

  (Music.)

  (An open meadow. On the left a shrub-clad cliff rises abruptly, and the commencement of a path is seen winding up it. At the back an embanked river runs diagonally across the stage from beyond the cliff on the left to near the footlights on the right. On the right it loses itself behind a plantation of firs. On the further side the tops of rushes and flags in flower are seen. Beyond the embankment there is a wide expanse of flat meadow landscape bounded on the horizon by downs similar to that seen through the gap in the shrubs on the right in ACT I. It is early morning. Birds call off. Pail of mud behind embankment R. c. Tree trunk down L.)

  (DIBBS is standing on bank L.c looking off R.)

  (MANNERS comes down the path on the right, 1 E. He is in flannels and carries a bath towel over his arm.)

  MANNERS. (on bank R., stops surprised on seeing DIBBS) Hulloa, Dibbs.

  DIBBS. (L. C., surly) Hulloa.

  MANNERS, (R ) Fine morning.

  DIBBS. For them as can enjoy it.

  MANNERS. (sits on bank R. C.) I came down for a swim. (unfastens boot) Thought it’d do me good. Been up all night. (takes boot off)

  DIBBS. We’ve all been up all night, ain’t we?

  MANNERS. Ah! But I’ve been up with the Major.

  DIBBS. There’s not much water for a swim. Tide running out fast.

  MANNERS. Mean to say I’ve (crawls up slope) walked half a mile for nothing?

  DIBBS. Come and see for yourself.

  MANNERS. (on the embankment) By Jove, it does look pretty beastly. What are you doing down here? Did you come for a bath? (sits R. c. Puts boot on)

  DIBBS. Me! Bath! I’ve got something better to do than bathing. (darkly, comes to him) I’m a-watching for the ‘Eart in’And.

  MANNERS. What’s that?

  DIBBS. That’s Captain Jem Barley’s barge. Jem Barley knows more about this ‘ere business than wot’s good for ‘im. And what Jem Barley knows I’m going to know, or else I’ll know the reason why. (goes up to L. c.)

  MANNERS. What do you mean?

  DIBBS. (comes down R. C.) AS I was a-comin’ ‘ome this morning, not ‘avin’ ‘ad my clothes off all night, I run up against Tom Codd, him as was mate to Cap’n Barley, an’ he was flush o’ money. Unnatural flush he was, and all I could get out o’ him was as he’d got it for keepin’ ‘is ‘ead shut about a young lady Cap’n Barley ‘ad got on his barge.

  MANNERS, (rises) By Jove! Why haven’t you told the Major?

  DIBBS. Wot, and get swore at? I’ve a-had enough o’ the Major, (goes to L. C.)

  MANNERS. (goes to DIBBS) We’ve all had enough of the Major. He’s asleep now in the billiard-room. You go up and tell Mrs. Smedley. I’ll stay here and watch ——

  LUCY. (off R.) Dibbs, Dibbs!

  (Enter LUCY, running down the path R.)

  LUCY. Dibbs! (sees MANNERS) Oh, I beg your pardon.

  MANNERS. (crosses to R.) Good morning, Miss Dallas. (shakes hands.) By Jove, you look as fresh as if you’d had a good night’s rest.

  LUCY. HOW can you say such a thing when you know that we — (yawns, crosses to c.) Oh, Dibbs, the Major is storming for you — and he’s caught such a cold last night — that’s made him worse.

  MANNERS. He’s woke up, has he?

  LUCY. Oh yes. And in such a temper. (to DIBBS) I saw you through the telescope. Do go to him at once, (pushes him to R.)

  MANNERS. Tell him what you’ve told me —

  DIBBS. (on bank R.) If you see Captain Barley you tell him John Dibbs’ll expect ‘im back o’ the red barn. (DIBBS crossing to R.)

  MANNERS. Yes, but —

  DIBBS. That’s all you ses. Back o’ the red barn, ses you. He’ll understand.

  (Exit up path R.)

  LUCY. HOW extraordinary Dibbs is! (goes on to bank L. c.) What has he told you?

  MANNERS. He thinks he’s got a clue. Something about a Captain Barley and a barge. He was waiting there for the barge to come. (lies on bank L. c.)

  LUCY. What’s that got to do with Ethel?

  MANNERS. I don’t know unless she’s aboard. I expect sitting up all night has been too much for Dibbs.

  LUCY. (goes down L. C.) HOW unsatisfactory you are. (sits L. on upper end of tree)

  MANNERS. Well, what do you expect? I come home, all the way from Russia, to get married, and the first thing I know is my bride’s bolted, and I spend the night with an infuriated Major tramping all over the country looking for her, and if I try to ask anybody whether they’ve seen her, he nearly snaps my head off, and he swears at me for leaving England and for coming home, and — and — Oh, I don’t know.

  LUCY. Poor Mr. Manners. I think you are bearing it nobly.

  MANNERS. What did she want to run away for?

  Why couldn’t she have told me she didn’t want to marry me?

  LUCY. Oh, don’t talk in that cold practical way. You know you’re very fond of her.

  MANNERS. I don’t know, (suddenly) How do you know?

  LUCY. (confused) Well — I — I MANNERS. (getting nearer) Yes?

  LUCY. Yesterday — when — when you thought I was Ethel —

  MANNERS. (eagerly) Yes?

  LUCY. YOU — you showed considerable affection.

  MANNERS. (chaffingly) How — how do you know?

  LUCY. (demurely) Wasn’t I the unfortunate victim?

  MANNERS. Don’t remind me of that! It was most disagreeable.

  LUCY. (rises) I’m sorry!

  MANNERS. (hastily) I mean for you. (rises) I’ve never forgiven myself. I feel I owe you some reparation.

  LUCY. (sits on c upper end of tree) Oh, please don’t trouble about that.

  MANNERS. But I do. If I’d been able to get to bed at all, since I’ve been here, it would have kept me awake all night. Now look here, I’ve come all the way from Russia to get married —

  LUCY. Well? And you’re going to marry Ethel.

  MANNERS. What! When she’s run away soone
r than marry me?

  LUCY. YOU see, she’s rather particular about whom she marries.

  MANNERS. (sits above LUCY on tree) Well, so am I. I won’t marry anybody who doesn’t want me.

  LUCY. (with admiration) How strong you are. (moves to lower end of tree)

  MANNERS. I can’t help it, it’s my character. (gets closer) But I can’t go back to Russia without a wife. (she moves) You see that, don’t you? (he goes closer)

  LUCY. (rises, demurely) What sort of a place is Russia? (she goes round L. of tree and sits up stage on it)

  MANNERS. Well, it’s rather a large place, and there are towns you know (closer to her), Petersburg and Moscow, and — (closer)

  LUCY. (rises, ecstatically) Yes, I know. I have beautiful memories of Moscow. (goes on bank to c.)

  MANNERS. Have you been there?

  LUCY. NO, but I’ve read about it, in a letter you sent Ethel.

  MANNERS. (goes to her) Did she show you my letters?

  LUCY. Only extracts.

  MANNERS. That’s capital. Then you know all about me. Seems like providence, doesn’t it. I wrote to Ethel, but you read the letter. I came back to Ethel, but I met you. I thought I was kissing Ethel, but, by Jove, I was —

  LUCY. (turns to R.) Mr. Manners!

  MANNERS. And now my friends in Russia are waiting to welcome my wife.

  LUCY. (goes to R., coughs) I say, it’s not fair to leave Aunt so long alone with the Major.

  MANNERS. TO welcome my wife — Funny! I never told any of them her Christian name. Talk about prov — (takes her hand)

  LUCY. (draws her hand away, sharply) I am beginning to think Ethel was quite right in running away from you.

  MANNERS. I’m sure of it. Best thing she could have done.

  LUCY. For I am afraid, oh, I am so afraid, you’re fickle.

  MANNERS. I? (steps back to L.) What a shame. LUCY. I didn’t mean to offend you.

  MANNERS. (turns to L.) NO, but you hurt me. (to her) Just as I was going to tell you how true I am —

  LUCY. I’m going to Auntie.

  (Ready barge bell. LUCY glancing to R., takes a few steps backward. MANNERS takes her hand. She moves to R.)

  MANNERS. Wait a minute. Not that way. It’s so steep, I can’t talk. Let’s go round through the plantation (points off L.) and up the back of the cliff, (points to R.)

  LUCY. HOW masterful you are!

  MANNERS. By Jove, yes. Come on.