Works of W. W. Jacobs

by Jacobs, W. W.

  (SETON sings quietly.) —

  ETHEL. (cutting bread and butter) I wonder whether there is any place you have not been to.

  (Bell.)

  (Knocking is heard again, but CAPTAIN is busy with ETHEL.)

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. Ah, I should like to show you all the places I’ve seen.

  SETON. (sitting on the hatch, sings, at first softly, but gets louder until he is bawling like a street ballad singer — )

  “Keep still, keep still, belo-ved, For just a lit-tle whi-le; We’re close to port an’ then you’ll —

  CAPTAIN BARLEY, (through his song) Stop that noise — ! Have you gone mad? (goes to R.)

  SETON. (continuing) — fi-i-i-ind —

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. (bawling) Stop it, d’ye hear me?

  (CAPTAIN BARLEY rushes up bank R. C.)

  SETON. (sings) “Keep still — keep still—”

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. HOW dare you make that heathenish noise aboard o’ my ship?

  SETON. (with aggressive air) I was only singing.

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. Singing! If I hear you make that row again, I’ll knock your blooming head off. (comes back pompously to ETHEL) I’ll show ’em! (sees cups, shouts) What’s the extry two cups an’ saucers for?

  SETON. (from barge) Extra, sir? There’s only four.

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. (putting two aside) How dare you try to force your company on your betters?

  SETON. Keep still. (bursts into melody again) “Keep still, keep still!”

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. (starting up) If I hear you sing another word — !

  SETON. I can’t help singing, sir; I’m so ‘appy aboard this ‘ere barge, I keep forgetting myself.

  (He smiles at ETHEL, she turns away.)

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. Forgitting! (holding up a cup with great dignity) Here! Come here.

  SETON. (with a farewell admonition to the hatch) Keep still, (jumps off barge and comes down R. C.) CAPTAIN BARLEY. What?

  SETON. Nothing.

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. Look at that cup. Do you call that clean?

  (SETON breathes on it, rubs it on his trousers and hands it back to speechless CAPTAIN.)

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. GO and fetch another, you — (looks at ETHEL) — you — mud-lark.

  SETON. (picking up one of the discarded cups) Here is another, sir. Comes o’ my carefulness. (hands it to CAPTAIN, who hands it to ETHEL)

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. (furious) You — you — (looks at ETHEL) — make the tea!

  (SETON goes at back to L. and then to c.) (CAPTAIN takes up teapot and sits on tree, takes teapot, holds it, and SETON raising kettle pours in a little water.)

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. Stop! Do you call that boiling?

  SETON. Yes, sir, boiling ‘ard, sir. It was singing away like a canary just now.

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. Don’t you “canary” me, cos I won’t ‘ave it. It’s just got the chill off, and that’s all!

  (ETHEL, who is laughing, lets the cup slip off the saucer. As SETON stoops to pick it up a stream of water from the kettle pours down the CAPTAIN’S leg, CAPTAIN jumps up with a howl and with teapot dances about to R. ETHEL gives a frightened scream. AUGUSTUS comes up, gets behind mast, laughs.)

  SETON. (with great concern) Was that your leg, sir? (takes teapot — puts kettle down c.)

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. (sits on hank R., shaking fist at him) Was it — ow!

  SETON. (with grave reproof — helps CAPTAIN on to plank) I told you it was boiling, sir.

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. YOU clumsy, meandering swab, you’ve ‘alf boiled me!

  SETON. (with great sympathy) You’d better get below an’ let Augustus put some of ‘is ‘air oil on it. CAPTAIN puts foot in mud) And you’ll want to change your — your bags. Wet through, they are.

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. (goes on plank) I’ll pay you out for this, my lad. I’ll make you smart, (puts leg in river)

  SETON. (helping him on to barge) Accidents will happen, Cap’n.

  (CAPTAIN disappears L. “Oh, oh, if there wasn’t ladies aboard.”)

  SETON. (returning, rubbing his hands) Now, this is what I call jolly. Clever of you to drop that teacup.

  ETHEL. (indignantly) Do you think I did it on purpose?

  (AUGUSTUS has landed, and is coming up to them stealthily and longingly with bouquet.)

  SETON. Well, it doesn’t matter; you got what we wanted.

  ETHEL. DO you think I wanted to scald the Captain? —

  SETON. Rather cruel of you, but all’s fair in —

  (sees AUGUSTUS) NOW what the mischief — ?

  Augustus, go and attend to the skipper. Haven’t you got any heart, you unfeeling little villain?

  AUGUSTUS. It’s no part of the —

  SETON. (rises) Here, run away, (pushes him to R.) Here’s a penny for you to buy sweets with. Only not peppermint balls, this time.

  AUGUSTUS. (raging and throwing penny in water violently) When I want your money, I’ll ask you for it. (crosses to ETHEL, produces nosegay from under his coat and gives it to ETHEL) Here, miss, (to SETON) So there! (stalks hack on to barge R. and vanishes R. leaving ETHEL and SETON staring at him in amazement)

  SETON. There you are you know. Now you see the havoc one lovely woman —

  ETHEL. Oh, do be serious.

  SETON. All right. Let’s have breakfast, (sits cosily beside her on tree trunk, pours out tea, etc.)

  ETHEL. Oh, but the Captain said you weren’t to breakfast here.

  SETON. Ah, but I’m like Nelson, you know.

  ETHEL. I can’t see the faintest resemblance.

  SETON. Yes. Put my blind eye to the telescope. Now isn’t this a jolly trip? Fancy, if I hadn’t climbed up that cliff we shouldn’t have been here.

  ETHEL. (takes milk) I’ll get father to put up a wall — with glass bottles.

  SETON. Yes. (seriously) We don’t want anybody else climbing up there, do we? — (laughs)

  ETHEL. Mr. Boyne, I fear I have done you a great wrong.

  SETON. (earnestly) No? Really? (soothingly) Have some bread and butter. (hands it)

  ETHEL. (takes some, eats) Last night — I thought you were — oh, I’m so ashamed of myself — I thought you were —

  SETON. I know. I did look it, didn’t I?

  ETHEL. (rapturously, laughs) You looked it splendidly! (both laugh) And it was all for my sake!

  SETON. NO, no, for mine. If I hadn’t got ’em away you wouldn’t be here now.

  ETHEL. DO you know, I’m beginning to be afraid my being here now may be a mistake.

  SETON. NO! Has that struck you? Why?

  ETHEL. I thought Captain Barley was an old man.

  SETON. Well, so he is.

  ETHEL. NO. He’s only thirty-six.

  SETON. Wha-at? (laughs) Oh, nonsense!

  ETHEL. He told me so himself.

  SETON. (reflectively) Well, well. Poor old Barley. Wait till he sees the surprise packet!

  ETHEL. The surprise packet? Is that slang?

  SETON. (laughing) All right, never mind — go on.

  ETHEL. He’s been so very attentive, and I’m afraid —

  (AUGUSTUS appears R. and watches them, crosses at back to L. on barge,)

  SETON. You’re afraid you’ve awakened his boyish affections? Of course you have. It’s your mission in life to awaken love, wherever you go.

  ETHEL. (blushing and looking down) Mr. Boyne! SETON. (count on fingers) There’s poor Mr.

  Manners — and Augustus — and the Captain — and —

  AUGUSTUS. (L., shouting) Cap’n Barley! Bill’s ‘avin’ breakfast with the lady, sir!

  (CAPTAIN’S head and shoulders — in shirt sleeves — appear.)

  SETON. (to ETHEL — who wants to move) Sit still. CAPTAIN BARLEY. (in a roar) Bill! Bill! Bill! SETON. (half turning and fluttering hand) Hulloa! Better?

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. (choking) What d’ye mean by settin’ there after I told you not to?

  SETON. I’m only keepin’ a heye on this young lady, sir.

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. Come ‘ere!

  (SETON tur
ns his hack.)

  You wait till I’m ready, that’s all, my lord. You wait ——

  (Disappears in bows. AUGUSTUS disappears R. in stern. SETON and ETHEL laugh.)

  ETHEL. He’s awfully angry.

  SETON. Let’s see. Where did I leave off?

  ETHEL. Oh, you were talking a lot of nonsense —

  SETON. I know. About your sweetness. Why, I could talk about that all day.

  ETHEL. Don’t waste time. I’ve much more serious things to think about. —

  (SETON very close to her.)

  SETON. Let’s put our heads together.

  ETHEL. Yes. Oh! quite so close?

  SETON. Don’t you think so? Seems to clear one’s ideas.

  ETHEL. Well — go on.

  SETON. Let’s sit quite still a minute, and think.

  ETHEL. (pause. Looks at him) Well?

  SETON. Sh! Don’t disturb my thoughts ETHEL. You’ll be asleep in a minute —

  SETON. Sh! I was dreaming we were on a golden boat on a golden sea, sailing to the Fortunate Isles —

  ETHEL. Instead of which —

  SETON. Instead of which we’ve got to go home and face your father.

  ETHEL. We? Why we? I must do that alone.

  SETON. NO, no. It’s not the sort of thing a young girl can do.

  ETHEL. But what have you to do with it?

  SETON. Why, you see, you’ve eloped with me —

  ETHEL. Eloped? With you? Why, I’m not even engaged to you!

  (CAPTAIN’S head appears L.)

  SETON. NO, thank goodness!

  ETHEL. (indignant) Really!

  SETON. YOU see, you don’t marry the people you’re engaged to. —

  ETHEL. (with a start of recollection) Oh! — there’s Mr. Manners!

  SETON. (starts) Where?

  ETHEL. I mean: what am I to do with him?

  (CAPTAIN comes to c., furious.)

  SETON. Oh, he’s second-hand — give him to Lucy.

  ETHEL. But how am I to explain?

  SETON. Why, it’s all as simple as simple — you and I were going to London to get married — special licence —

  ETHEL. Ooh! I never heard such a thing — why I only met you yesterday!

  SETON. That’s it. You see, long engagements don’t suit you. You’ve had one — and it’s been disastrous. Now ours — just two days — seems about the right length for you.

  ETHEL. Of all the impudence — ! (moves.)

  SETON. It’s the sea air, combined with a way we have in the Navy! (laughs) Think how well it’ll look in the Morning Post — By special licence, Lieutenant Seton Boyne, R.N., eldest son of Rear-Admiral Sir Ponsonby Boyne, to Ethel —

  CAPTAIN BARLEY, (on barge) What’s that?

  (AUGUSTUS appears R.)

  (Bell ready.)

  (Both rise.)

  SETON. (airily) Halloa? Got ’em on?

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. Got ’em on! (comes off boat to R. c in a rage) That’s your game, is it? You come gallivantin’ aboard my ship, with a eye to turnin’ this pore girl’s head. None o’ that, my fine feller. That won’t do for Jem Barley. Nor aboard the’Eart in’And. This young lady’s in my particular charge —

  SETON. (innocently) And the other lady, too, Captain?

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. Other lady? Wot’s got into your head now?

  (AUGUSTUS appears.)

  (SETON springs aboard the barge and knocks three times — thundering response from below. SETON goes down to R.)

  (Bell)

  CAPTAIN BARLEY, (C., starting) Halloa, what’s that? (bell) Off with that hatch, Augustus. (L. C., on bank) Don’t you be afeard, my pretty. And don’t you listen to none o’ his palaver. Wot I ses I sticks to, steadfast and true, my — my lily o’ the —

  (Knocking stops — no bell — as hatch is opened). ETHEL. Baldwin!

  (AUGUSTUS has unfastened the hatch. It is at once raised by the head of MRS. BALDWIN, who presents a hideous spectacle, and fixes a basilisk stare at the horrified CAPTAIN, who stands an image of speechless terror. SETON is looking on with the enjoyment of the artist. AUGUSTUS has retreated in horror at the apparition, so that MRS. BALDWIN and the CAPTAIN enjoy an uninterrupted view of each other.)

  BALDWIN. (to CAPTAIN who stands fascinated and paralysed; she speaks slowly and in a sepulchral voice) Oh — you — villain!

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. (inarticulately) Wha — wha — what!

  BALDWIN. Oh, what I’ve suffered down in that ‘ole! You — you corsair!

  ETHEL. Poor Baldwin!

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. (turns vaguely) D’you know her? (sits)

  BALDWIN. (coming up a step) And you called me a flirt — a flirt! Oh you — you floating, whitened sepulchre!

  SETON. I say, Barley my boy — you do go it, you know.

  BALDWIN. He’s been courting me for weeks and weeks. He told me I was his — his — his —

  (All eagerly attentive.)

  ALL. His — ?

  BALDWIN. His — oh, the shameful words! — his Lily of the Valley!

  ALL. (deeply shocked) Oh!

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. (rises, in a husky voice) I didn’t. I never did!

  BALDWIN. I’ve got his letters! I’ve got his letters, Miss Smedley.

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. (with new horror) Miss Smedley — Miss Smedley — not — !

  (BARLEY goes to SETON R. AUGUSTUS lugs top of hatch down c.)

  SETON. (R.) Only daughter of Major Smedley, of Cliff House. That’s right.

  (AUGUSTUS goes L.)

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. Then who — what — why — ?

  BALDWIN. What — what have you got to say for yourself?

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. (very slowly) What have I got to say for myself? What have! What have you got to say for yourself? You’ve been a — encourage ing these two to run away.

  BALDWIN. What?

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. (slowly) I suppose — you didn’t think I knew you was down there? — (laughs) Ah!

  There ain’t much as goes on aboard my ship as I don’t know.

  BALDWIN. (incredulously) Oh, indeed! You, looked pretty astonished when you saw me, though!

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. I had my reasons for that.

  BALDWIN. Reasons?

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. Yes — I (to AUGUSTUS)

  Augustus!

  AUGUSTUS. Yes, sir?

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. GO and get the lady a looking-glass.

  (MRS. BALDWIN puts her hands to her head and screams.

  AUGUSTUS helps her on to deck, then places hatch on hold.)

  (Enter LUCY R., running down the cliff.)

  LUCY. Ethel! (breathlessly) Oh, I haven’t time to kiss you (hisses her), dear, or to tell you how glad I am to see you, or to wonder who these people are, or what you’re doing here, or where (gets L.) you’ve been. How could you keep us up all night! and such a night I hope I may never spend again; and if you don’t want to be locked up all of you and carried off to prison — the Major’s coming!

  ETHEL. Oh!

  SETON. (heroically) Ethel! I am here!

  ETHEL. Yes, that’s the worst of it! Dear Captain Barley — do save us!

  SETON. Pooh! He can’t. He’s helpless. (crosses to ETHEL.)

  CAPTAIN BARLEY, (roaring) What! helpless! You may be a Har Hen or you may not, but Jem Barley is commander o’ this ship, and in the face of danger Jem Barley takes the helium! Stand by! (to LUCY anxiously) Where is the Major?

  LUCY. (crosses to c.) He’s coming down the hill with Auntie and Herbert and Dibbs, as fast as he can. Thank goodness he can’t come very fast.

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. YOU go back, miss, and ‘inder ‘im! ‘Inder ‘im as much as you can. (gets R.)

  LUCY. (crosses to R., to ETHEL) Oh, I wouldn’t be in your shoes — !

  (Exit R. ETHEL goes to SETON.)

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. (to BALDWIN) YOU go into Miss Smedley’s cabin and make yourself respectable.

  BALDWIN. Down there again (firmly) Never CAPTAIN BARLEY. (R., sternly) (Jo and do your ‘air! Augustus, you go and help her.

&nb
sp; AUGUSTUS, (R. on deck, looking at MRS. BALDWIN with fear and trembling) It’s no part o’ the third ‘and’s dooty to —

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. What’s that?

  (MRS. BALDWIN, leaning heavily on AUGUSTUS’S shoulder, is led off sobbing to R. of deck; AUGUSTUS gets middle.)

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. (goes to c.) Now — you two. ETHEL, (humbly) Yes, Captain, (goes to him) CAPTAIN BARLEY. D’you know what I’ve a mind to do? It would sarve you right if I read the marriage service over you. {murmurs off R.)

  SETON. Good idea!

  ETHEL. (melodramatically) Oh no, no! not that! (wistfully) Besides, you couldn’t — could you? (voices off R.) Oh, here they come! (goes to L.) (Enter on bank R. MAJOR, MRS. SMEDLEY, LUCY, MANNERS, DIBBS following.)

  MAJOR. (comes to R. C. on bank) There she is — don’t hold me, anybody!

  (Nobody thinks of it.)

  ETHEL. (crosses to R. c.) Good morning, father! (with a cry she rushes into her mother’s arms) Oh! MRS. SMEDLEY. Oh, Ethel!

  MAJOR. (to ETHEL) Come away! (parts them, ETHEL gets L. C.) HOW the devil am I to talk to you —

  CAPTAIN BARLEY (on bank R. C.) Excuse me. Major Smedley, I believe?

  MAJOR. Who the devil are you, sir?

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. Captain James Barley of the ‘Eart in’And.

  MAJOR. What is my daughter doing in your company, sir? (shouts) Damme, I’ll ——

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. Major — I do not allow bad language in the presence of the fair sects —

  MAJOR. (bursting) Upon my soul! Upon my soul!

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. At a late hour last night me and this young gentleman — a sailor-man like myself —

  ETHEL. Seton! (she crosses to him)

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. Found this young lady wandering ‘eart-broken by the roaring sea, ‘aving been turned out of ‘ome by a cruel parent —

  MRS. SMEDLEY. (R. of MAJOR) Oh, William!

  MAJOR. I told you so, ma’am!

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. I offered ‘er the ‘ospitibility of my ship —

  MAJOR. Why didn’t you bring her home?

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. (dramatically) The hour was late: you were snug in bed.

  MAJOR. Snug in bed! — Snug in damn!

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. Hush, oh hush! At sunrise this morning we set sail for Hedge End. We were just going to bring her to you —

  MRS. SMEDLEY. Oh, Ethel! Alone among these rough — men!

  CAPTAIN BARLEY. Alone — no, ma’am. (to AUGUSTUS) Augustus! (gets to L. C.) Ask the lady to step this way when she’s fit to look at. (to MRS. SMEDLEY) No, ma’am, Jem Barley knows better than that. Your faithful servant Jane was also wandering about by the roaring sea looking for her, and we found her a — a — berth too. (looks to SETON)