Works of W. W. Jacobs
Page 284
LUCY. (crosses to L.) Tell me more about Moscow.
MANNERS. Oh, it’s not a bad sort of place. I got my nose frozen there —
(Exeunt L.)
(CAPTAIN BARLEY’S voice, off R. 2 E., behind cliff.)
CAPTAIN BARLEY. NOW then, lively with it. (Bell. Under stage bell)
SETON and Aye, aye, sir. (boat coming on) AUGUSTUS.
CAPTAIN BARLEY. Out with them fenders. AUGUSTUS. Aye, aye! (goes to L., throws fenders over) —
CAPTAIN BARLEY. (unfastens rope R.) Stand by the halyards.
AUGUSTUS. Aye, aye!
CAPTAIN BARLEY. Let the for’sail down. AUGUSTUS. Aye, ready.
(Barge comes on from R. to L.)
CAPTAIN BARLEY. Down with it.
(AUGUSTUS pulls sail down.)
Stand by the main brail and the middle brail.
SETON. Aye, aye, sir. (goes to back of mast)
(AUGUSTUS, L. of mast, takes ropes.)
All ready.
CAPTAIN BARLEY. Haul away. (unfastens rope R. C.)
(SETON and AUGUSTUS haul up sail with a “Ho, heave, ho!”)
Stand by to anchor.
(SETON runs to L.)
SETON. Aye, aye, sir. (runs forward)
(Barge drifts further on. The deck is level with the top of the embankment and there is no washboard, so that the whole deck is visible. Smoke comes out small stove pipe forward.)
CAPTAIN BARLEY. Over with it.
SETON. Aye, aye, sir.
(AUGUSTUS throws anchor overboard; man off catches it; splash; the barge goes back a bit to L., then stops.)
(Bell.)
CAPTAIN BARLEY. Ease it up short. (SETON hauls up anchor a bit) Come aft and haul up the leeboards. (SETON on front c. AUGUSTUS at back, and they haul up boards.)
(fastens tiller to back) A little more wind and we’d ha’ done it. We must wait till the tide turns now.
SETON. Pretty place, Cap’n. The young lady’ll be able to go ashore and pick buttercups and daisies.
CAPTAIN BARLEY. Young lady! You speak when you’re spoken to, my lad, and not afore, else you an me won’t talk alike. Go and wash them decks.
SETON. Why, I washed ’em only half an hour ago. CAPTAIN BARLEY. It don’t matter if you washed ’em ‘arf a minute ago. Wash ’em again.
(SETON lowers mop down L. and washes deck.) Augustus — Augustus!
AUGUSTUS, (sulkily) Yus.
CAPTAIN BARLEY. YUS! Come ‘ere.
(AUGUSTUS comes staring.)
And say “Yes, sir,” when you speak to me. Wot about that milk I told you about last night. AUGUSTUS. YOU never told me about no milk. CAPTAIN BARLEY, (threatening) What’s that? AUGUSTUS. I don’t remember. I can’t remember every blessed thing.
CAPTAIN BARLEY. An’ wot’s the young lady to ‘ave for breakfast? (gives him twopence) You run along to that farm (points off L. behind plantation) and ask for two penorth. (goes to R.)
AUGUSTUS, (follows him) It’s no part o’ the third ‘and’s dooty to —
CAPTAIN BARLEY (turns on him) Wot’s that?
(AUGUSTUS leaps off barge and runs off L. CAPTAIN BARLEY fills his pipe. SETON is whistling.)
CAPTAIN BARLEY. Who’s that whistling?
SETON. (L. C.) Skylark, I expect. They will do it.
CAPTAIN. Don’t you skylark me, ‘cos I won’t have it.
(SETON whistles)
I won’t ‘ave no whistling on this barge while there’s a young lady aboard.
(Bell for knocking ready.)
(SETON at back c.)
(going to L.) YOU let me know when she comes up. The instant mind. I’m going to take forty winks. And well I’ve earned ’em.
SETON. All right, Cap’n. Don’t stint yourself. Take forty-one.
(CAPTAIN BARLEY exit down forecastle, which he closes after him.)
SETON. (takes out cigarette case) Surely old tarry breeches can’t be in love? Why it’s —
(Bell. A thundering blow from below the forehold.) What’s that? (Bell. Puts case back.)
(Another blow.)
Good heavens, Mrs. Baldwin! I’d forgotten her!
(He hastily kneels c on hatch R. c., raises middle hatch a little at back and speaks down it in Cockney voice.)
Hsh! No. Soon, very soon. You must. Don’t spoil the ship for a ha’porth o’ tar. Oh rats! (hastily) No, no, no! Not real rats. Only an expression. Do keep quiet till we’re out of the river. Why, I gave you a breath of fresh air last night. Yes, I did.
(Hatch pushed up a bit.)
What do you want to stand upright for? You’d have cramp anywhere if you’re subject to it, you’re so fidgety about trifles.
(Shuts hatch. Bell. Knock.)
More food? What have you done with the two biscuits I gave you last night? Eh? Breakfast? Oh, don’t be unreasonable. Hsh!
(Closes hatch after a struggle and sits on it, facing R., as ETHEL emerges from cabin R. She is fresh and radiant.)
ETHEL. Why, what have we stopped for? This isn’t Hedge End.
SETON. Good morning. Wind’s dropped. Got to wait for the tide to turn. Nice place to wait in, isn’t it?
ETHEL. YOU! How dare you speak to me?
SETON. Oh, come now. What have I done?
ETHEL. After the disgraceful exhibition you made of yourself last night.
SETON. Why, you know perfectly well I wasn’t what I seemed to be.
ETHEL. YOU never are.
(Re-enter AUGUSTUS up L. with milk.)
AUGUSTUS. (officially) Good morning, miss. Hope you’ve slept well, miss.
ETHEL. Oh, good morning, Augustus. Yes, thank you, I slept splendidly.
AUGUSTUS. I’ve been to fetch this ‘ere milk for you. Ah, ‘arf a mile away. I ‘ad to jump no hend of ditches. But I ain’t spilt a drop of it. Not me, not a drop. I put me hand over it.
ETHEL. Oh! — Oh, how good of you.
(AUGUSTUS gets on deck; puts milk by mast.) SETON. (rises) Now, my lad, you get about your work.
AUGUSTUS. What are you doing? Why ain’t you swabbing the decks same as the skipper told you? You’ll catch it.
ETHEL. (to SETON) I’m ashamed of you. Bullying this poor boy, and neglecting your work, (moves to c.)
AUGUSTUS. ‘Ere. I ain’t afeard of a bit o’ ‘ard work.
(SETON swabs deck with mop R. C. AUGUSTUS gets rag, kneels in front of ETHEL, who moves back from one point to another. AUGUSTUS rubs deck hard with a piece of cloth.)
AUGUSTUS. (speaking affectedly) It’s going to be a lovely day, I think, Willi-yum.
(SETON, L. C. gives a suppressed grunt of fury. Gets to c at back.)
I’m very fond o’ lovely days, Willi-yum. There’s a peacefulness about ’em you don’t get in dirty weather. Don’t you think so, miss?
SETON. (between them. ETHEL backs a step) Are you trying to make a hole in the deck there, or what? AUGUSTUS. I’m doing my work, Willi-yum. ETHEL. He’s doing his work. How can you? SETON. (to AUGUSTUS) Here, (puts mop in AUGUSTUS’S face, who rolls on hatch) How far is it to Hedge End?
AUGUSTUS. (splutters)’Bout ‘arf a mile.
SETON. I’m out of tobacco, (gives money) Just run into the place and get me some.
AUGUSTUS. ‘Ave a bit o’ mine, (offers his tobacco) SETON. I said tobacco. Off you go.
AUGUSTUS. (slowly) It’s no part o’ the third ‘and’s work (rises) to get the mate’s tobacco. If you wait —
SETON. Are you going or must I lift you over? AUGUSTUS. Yah, bully.
(SETON goes for him; he springs ashore and runs off up L.)
(SETON leans on mop behind R. ETHEL crosses to c., looking to R.)
SETON. I hope you are enjoying the trip, Miss Smedley?
(ETHEL is silent. SETON places mop on hatch.)
(trying again) It’s the most delightful voyage I have ever had in my life.
(ETHEL crosses to L. C.)
(pause) I wish it would last for ever. (pause) In such genial, delightful, chatty society.
ETHEL. (leans against mast
L.) IS there no way of showing you I don’t want to talk to you? Please do not address me again.
SETON. (goes to behind mast c.) Well, but whom am I to address?
ETHEL. YOU seem to have no fine feelings at all. (crosses to R.) YOU have pained me very deeply.
SETON. I! Good heavens! How?
ETHEL. I cannot forget what I saw last night. SETON. But that was ——
(Enter CAPTAIN BARLEY up L.)
CAPTAIN BARLEY. NOW then! Didn’t I tell you to call me the moment she came up?
SETON. (annoyed) Oh, I forgot.
CAPTAIN BARLEY. Forgot! I’ll teach you to forget orders on board my ship! Swab the deck, you — lubber. (to ETHEL) Good morning.
ETHEL. (shakes hands) Oh, dear Captain Barley, I’m so glad you’ve come.
(SETON swabs deck R., SO that the CAPTAIN has to hop over the mop.)
CAPTAIN BARLEY. HOW are you? Sorry the tide’s failed us (hop to R.), but in a few hours (hop to L.) we shall be bowling between the meadows again (hop to R.) (bursts out furiously) What the devil are you doing?
SETON. Obeying orders, sir.
(ETHEL gets a step R.)
CAPTAIN BARLEY. I’m having a bit too much of you, my fine feller. You go an’ get breakfast ready, and look sharp about it.
(SETON goes to L., going down hatch L.)
(to ETHEL) What do you say to having breakfast over there? (points to L.)
ETHEL. Oh, that would be delightful. What nice things you think of.
CAPTAIN BARLEY. Don’t I!! (shouts to SETON) D’ye hear? Run out a plank.
SETON. Aye, aye, sir. (he gets a flank L.) CAPTAIN BARLEY. And bring breakfast (pointing to L.) there.
SETON. (while he’s running the plank out) Aye, aye, sir.
(He jumps across to hank; hands ETHEL across. To ETHEL as she comes down.)
I must have an explanation.
ETHEL. I can have no explanation with Bill Stubbs. (crosses to L.)
(SETON draws plank on to hank. Goes to ETHEL.)
CAPTAIN BARLEY, (furious) Here! What the devil are you doing?
SETON. But with Seton Boyne.
ETHEL. I don’t see him. (she sits on tree stump L.)
SETON. YOU shall in a minute.
(Enter AUGUSTUS L. He has a large nosegay of wild flowers, which he conceals behind his hack.)
CAPTAIN BARLEY. BILL Stubbs, Bill Stubbs — Augustus, run that plank over.
(AUGUSTUS does so, goes on deck, hides flowers.) (CAPTAIN, crossing plank, goes to SETON, whom he takes to c., in a low voice) You trespass on my presarves if you dare.
SETON. (loud) Trespass on your preserves, Captain? (to ETHEL) Am I trespassing on his —
CAPTAIN BARLEY. Shut your ugly face and get breakfast double quick.
SETON (cheerfully) Aye, aye, sir.
(Jumps on deck L., disappears.)
CAPTAIN BARLEY, (to AUGUSTUS) Augustus, bring that bucket.
(AUGUSTUS brings bucket to CAPTAIN BARLEY. Then stares at ETHEL.)
What are you staring at? Put it down.
(AUGUSTUS puts it down by CAPTAIN BARLEY, who nearly sits in it. Jumps up.)
Not that way. Upside down.
(AUGUSTUS does so. CAPTAIN BARLEY sits; turns and sees AUGUSTUS staring.)
This crew’s gone mad. What yer staring at? Go ‘an help the mate get breakfast.
(AUGUSTUS goes back to barge and disappears L. hatch.) (CAPTAIN, sitting on bucket, and wiping his brow) It’s a trying life, a ship-master’s.
ETHEL. (sympathetically) With such a crew! CAPTAIN BARLEY. Ah? Sometimes I wish I’d gone in for something easier.
ETHEL. (sits on ground) But if I were a man, I should be a sailor.
CAPTAIN BARLEY. (shaking his head) It’s a lonely life. No society. A ship-master stands alone. Keeping himself to himself, so to speak. He never knows what his crew may be up to. He can’t mix with ’em becos o’ dis-sipline.
ETHEL. (innocently) I shouldn’t have thought that mattered on a barge.
CAPTAIN BARLEY. (starting) Ah, I wasn’t always on a barge. I was master of a liner once, sailing between London and — New Hav — New Zealand.
ETHEL. Was it very long ago? When you were young?
CAPTAIN BARLEY. Yes, I was very young, but it wasn’t so long ago neither. I — I (smiles) You’d be surprised if I told you I was grey like I am now afore I was twenty.
ETHEL. HOW extraordinary.
CAPTAIN BARLEY. I’ll tell you how it happened. I was fourth mate on a sailing ship wot took fire. The skipper was in bed, drun — ill — so was the first mate. The third mate was really ill, and the second cried like a child, (simply) It all fell on me.
ETHEL. And you saved the ship?
CAPTAIN BARLEY. Yes. And next morning I was as white — grey — as I am now.
ETHEL. Then you are not so old as you look?
CAPTAIN BARLEY. I was only twenty-nine when that happened, and that’s (looking at her hard) seven years ago next — Monday week.
ETHEL. (she rises and sits on seat; starting and instinctively moving away a little) Oh! Twenty-nine and seven, are you only thirty-six?
CAPTAIN BARLEY. (injured) Why, what did you think I was?
ETHEL. Oh, I thought — (rises, crosses to R. C.)
Oh, never mind. It doesn’t matter, (sits on bank)
CAPTAIN BARLEY. (rises, goes to R. C. with pail) Thirty-six years is a long time to be lonely in — a-battling with the elements, (sits on pail) I’ve often thought —
ETHEL. HOW long they are getting breakfast.
CAPTAIN BARLEY. And mark me, it’s only when a man gets pretty near into middle age like, you may reckon on ‘is bein’ faithful and true.
ETHEL. What a beautiful morning it is.
CAPTAIN BARLEY. It ‘ud be beautiful to me if it was rainin’ cats and dogs. Ah, I’ve often thought what life ‘ud be like in a cottage by the seaside, with a flagstaff and a couple o’ rabbits, and me sitting there in the sun, watching my — my Lily o’ the Valley.
ETHEL. Are you fond of flowers?
CAPTAIN BARLEY. GO on away. You know what I mean, (sits on bank) One particular flower, and now I see my chance —
ETHEL. (rising) Don’t you think Yd better look after the breakfast. Something must have happened, (crosses to L.) —
CAPTAIN BARLEY. Look ‘ere. (rises) The fust moment I saw you (goes to her with bucket), I says to myself, Jem Barley, there she is. (puts bucket down)
ETHEL. (weakly) And there I was, you know. (sits on tree L.)
CAPTAIN BARLEY. (sits on bucket) Wait a bit. Wait a bit. Look at the strornery cleverness with which I saved you last night.
ETHEL. Saved me. From what?
CAPTAIN BARLEY. There was the Old Ship public-
‘ouse swarming with your employers —
ETHEL. My employers! (in alarm) Oh, do you mean that Major and Mrs. Smedley were there.
CAPTAIN BARLEY. Ah, and two others. A young spark and a gell. Think what ‘ud a happened if they’d found you, if I ‘adn’t a got rid of ’em.
ETHEL. Oh, how did you do it?
CAPTAIN BARLEY. Jem Barley is always calm when there’s danger. I did it just as I saved the burning ship.
ETHEL. AS you saved the burning ship, (screams) Oh!
(He nearly falls back. She holds him.)
(in alarm) You didn’t throw water over them, did you?
CAPTAIN BARLEY. NO, no. I up an’ ordered Bill Stubbs to pretend he was drunk.
(Meanwhile AUGUSTUS has entered off the barge L., with plates, cups and saucers, butter, a loaf, spoons, etc., etc., on tray. He is wonderfully attired — high collar and big scarlet bow; comes on to plank)
ETHEL. Preten — (shocked) Oh! — {with horror) They saw him — like that?
CAPTAIN BARLEY. (with proud satisfaction) They did. And the horrid sight was too much for ’em.
ETHEL. (indignant) Oh, you — Oh, you — (crosses R.; she bursts into a fit of laughter) Oh, poor Bill Stubbs!
CAPTAIN BARLEY.
(turns to c.) Clever, warn’t it? (in speechless amazement) Augustus! (rises) AUGUSTUS, (on barge R. C.) Yes, sir.
CAPTAIN BARLEY. What do you mean by getting yourself up like — like a organ-grinder’s monkey? AUGUSTUS, (offended) Well, the mate’s changin’, and I didn’t see —
CAPTAIN BARLEY. Take ’em off.
AUGUSTUS. It’s no part of the third ‘and’s —
(ETHEL crosses to L.)
CAPTAIN BARLEY. (rises, takes tray) Take ’em off! (puts tray on grass) Take ’em off at once, (sits on bucket)
(AUGUSTUS takes coat off, then tie, then collar. CAPTAIN BARLEY sees him.)
(with a roar; rises, goes R. C.) Not ‘ere!
(AUGUSTUS puts his collar on again.)
(Enter SETON from forecastle, comes at back to c.) (Bell ready with knocks.)
(He has put on his own clothes, and looks very neat and smart. He brings a large black kettle.)
CAPTAIN BARLEY. Bill!
SETON. Yes, sir.
CAPTAIN BARLEY. What — what — what’s all this? SETON. The only clothes I’ve got, sir. I can’t afford better ones.
CAPTAIN BARLEY. This crew’s gone mad! (goes to R.) You go and take them off.
SETON. Beg pardon, sir, but I can wear what I like.
CAPTAIN BARLEY. Very good. Very good. I’ll find you something to do that’ll take the polish off ’em. (to AUGUSTUS) And you, too, my lad; you get my sea-boots and clean the mud off of ’em. (AUGUSTUS goes at back to forecastle and disappears.)
(to SETON) And you, polish up the brass, and clean the paint work.
SETON. (going down L., cheerfully) Aye, aye, sir. CAPTAIN BARLEY. Here! Where are you going? Bring the kettle.
SETON. Aye, aye, sir. (bell) (comes back down plank to L. c.)
(Loud knocking is heard on the barge. SETON stops dead.)
CAPTAIN BARLEY. What’s that knocking? SETON. Must be — must be Augustus, sir, knocking the mud off them boots.
CAPTAIN BARLEY. GO an’ tell him I’m a-comin’ to knock him.
SETON. (leaves kettle where he is standing, leaps on barge L.c., and shouts) Augustus! stop that knocking! (sits on hatch R., hands on hatch.)
(AUGUSTUS appears with CAPTAIN’S huge sea-boots.)
AUGUSTUS. (injured) I wasn’t knocking, (brushes sea-boots, disappears.)
CAPTAIN BARLEY. Liar! (fetches kettle and comes down to ETHEL; sits) Will you cut the bread and butter?
(She does so.)
This reminds me of picnicking times at South in — in Greenland.