Reclaiming Hope

by Shell Taylor

  When Riley spoke again, Kollin couldn’t make out the words. The music had just grown louder, making their serious and private conversation nearly impossible. Kollin gestured to his ear and moved to Riley’s side of the table. He angled Ri’s chair so close that their knees bumped, and Kollin waved for Riley to continue.

  “I was just saying I’m willing to give it a chance.” He offered Kollin a rare, genuine smile, and his voice sounded a bit less burdened. “After all, I’d have to be some kind of imbecile to not be interested in you.”

  Kollin grinned, and a flash of hope streaked through him. He leaned in closer to Riley and bumped their foreheads together. “There’s the ‘I guess you’ll do’ spirit I was looking for.” Kollin winked. “Let’s get another drink and hit the floor.”

  He didn’t wait for an answer. He just grabbed Riley’s hand again, pulled him toward the bar, ordered two shots of tequila, clinked their glasses together, and chugged his down. When they reached the adjoining room, guys dancing together and by themselves filled the dance floor, but they still had plenty of room to move without bumping into anyone.

  Knowing Riley’s hesitancy, Kollin gave him plenty of space but stayed close enough so other guys knew they were together. Then he lost himself to the music. After a few songs, Riley loosened up and eventually hooked his fingers in Kollin’s belt loops and pulled their bodies flush. Kollin grinned and threw his arms loosely around Riley’s shoulders. He followed Riley’s lead as they danced and stopped himself more than once from leaning in to kiss the soft skin of Riley’s neck. Instead he ran his hands over Ri’s shoulders and down his chest. He even dared to squeeze his ass once.

  When the music changed again, Kollin twirled around in Riley’s arms and pressed his back against Riley’s chest. He grabbed Riley’s hands and guided them across his stomach as they danced.

  Whether because of liquid courage or a jolt of actual confidence, Riley became more assertive, and their dancing turned more sexual. Riley’s lips grazed Kollin’s shoulder. His breath was warm on the back of Kollin’s neck. Kollin tilted his head to the side to give Riley more access. A shiver of lust ran through him when Riley accepted his invitation and dropped a wet kiss on his bare shoulder.

  The song ended, and the music slowed down. Rather than head back to the table, as Kollin fully expected Riley to do, Riley spun Kollin around and tugged him close to slide his arms around Kollin’s waist. At a meager five foot eight on a good day, Kollin wasn’t accustomed to being taller than his dates. He shivered when Riley pressed his cheek against Kollin’s neck, sweat be damned, and decided he preferred the more equal footing. Though Kollin had been grinding against Riley just a few minutes earlier, with their bodies melded together from head to toe, their new embrace felt far more intimate.

  Kollin’s heart rate sped up as he realized just how much he stood to lose if either of them fucked up. For just a moment, he wished he’d heeded Riley’s fear, listened to his words of caution. They were on a reckless path. They should’ve had dinner and watched a movie like normal—as nothing more than friends.

  But then Riley sighed and burrowed deeper into his arms. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea, after all.

  Chapter 8

  “WAS I right or was I right?”

  Without opening his eyes, Riley smiled. Sitting in the passenger seat as Kollin drove home from Legends, firmly holding Kollin’s hand against his leg, and tired in the most pleasant way possible, he couldn’t recall why he thought going out with Kollin would be a bad idea. Once he loosened up and got used to the idea of being on a date with Kollin, he’d had, literally, the best night of his life. Kollin’s appreciative looks and lingering touches made Riley feel sexy and confident. After stumbling over a few awkward conversations, they’d spent most of the night laughing and dancing. For a few hours, Riley pushed all of his baggage to the back of his mind and enjoyed the moment.

  Kollin wiggled his hand. “Hey, Sleeping Beauty. I really want an answer. I love hearing those three little words.”

  Riley sighed loudly. “Fiiiine. I admit it…. I’m an amazing dancer.”

  Kollin laughed. “You’re an asshole. You know that? Besides, that was four words.”

  A grin played at Riley’s lips, and he studied Kollin’s smiling profile. He was so handsome. “You were right,” he said softly. “Happy?”

  Kollin raised their joined hands and kissed Riley’s knuckles. Riley’s insides did a little somersault. “Very.” They reached the entrance to Knollwood Community, the gated neighborhood where Kollin lived with Adam and Elijah, and Kollin shook his hand free to swipe his card and then grabbed Riley’s hand again. “Was I right enough that you’ll go out with me again?”

  Flip-flop. There went his stomach again.

  “I thought I was supposed to ask you this time.”

  Kollin shrugged. “You snooze, you lose.”

  Riley’s heart raced. “I think I’ve hit my quota for dealing with large groups for a while. Maybe we could hang out in my room tomorrow. It’s not really going out, but we could watch a movie. Maybe make popcorn and get candy. Would that be okay?”

  Kollin pulled into his driveway and parked the car. “I’m game as long as we get Cherry Coke and Junior Mints.”

  Riley grinned and looked out the window at the dark house. Their night was about to officially end, and the nerves he felt before they left the house resurfaced.

  Kollin let go of his hand and opened his car door. “Come on.” Without waiting, he got out and leaned against the hood of his car. He didn’t look back at Riley expectantly. Instead he shoved his hands in his pockets and allowed Riley to take his time.

  Riley took a deep breath to steady his nerves and slowly opened the door and got out of the car.

  He’d kissed plenty of guys. It should be no big deal.

  Riley rounded the front of the car, and Kollin held out his hand. He clasped it tightly and allowed Kollin to pull them together. Sitting on the hood of the car, Kollin only came up to Riley’s shoulders, and he gently rested his head there as he circled his arms around Riley’s waist.

  “I had a fuckload of fun tonight, Ri. I’m not ready to go in.”

  Riley laughed. “Poetic as always.”

  Kollin shrugged and looked up to offer a dopey grin. “It’s true.” He nestled back into Riley’s chest, and Riley could smell a faint hint of Kollin’s shampoo mixed with the saltiness of their sweat from hours of dancing. Riley set his chin on top of Kollin’s wild locks, and they stood like that for a while as Riley’s nerves settled down.

  When he finally worked up the courage, Riley pulled back again. “I hear you don’t put out on the first date, but could I at least get a kiss?”

  Kollin scrunched up his face as if pondering Riley’s proposition, but Riley could see the playfulness in his eyes even in the dim outdoor lighting. “I suppose, but if you get too frisky, I have two dads inside, chomping at the bit to defend my virtue.”

  Riley laughed and brushed aside a few strands of hair from Kollin’s eyes. He trailed his finger over Kollin’s ear, as if tucking a hair behind it, and then fondled the curls gathered beneath it. “Before we do this, I want to thank you for tonight. No matter what happens next, this was the best date I’ve ever had. I think you’ve realized I haven’t been completely honest with you about everything that went on the past four years, but to go on a regular date and feel normal the entire time is rare for me. Add to it the fact that it was with you—someone I already love and admire—well, the feeling is indescribable.”

  Kollin’s smile was soft, almost bashful, and Riley wondered if he’d gone and ruined the entire night with his word vomit. But then Kollin tugged him closer so Riley stumbled into the space between Kollin’s legs. “Now who’s the poetic one?”

  Riley laughed, but Kollin didn’t make another move, and Riley understood Kollin was waiting for him. Riley leaned down and ever so gently brushed his lips against Kollin’s and then pulled away to check Kollin’s reaction. Kollin only
offered a small smile, but he left his fingers hooked firmly in the waist of Riley’s shorts. Riley gathered his courage, settled his hands on either side of Kollin’s neck, and leaned down again.

  He pressed his lips more firmly against Kollin’s top lip. A jolt of need rushed through Riley’s body and begged him to take more. He slid his hands down Kollin’s back and dipped his fingertips beneath Kollin’s waistband. Tilting his head to the other side, Riley kissed Kollin’s bottom lip. He felt Kollin’s hands leave his waist to trail up his back, and the next time their mouths met, Riley snuck his tongue out to sweep against Kollin’s lip.

  Urgency built deep inside Riley as they kissed. He pulled Kollin off the car and pressed their bodies together, but Kollin still wasn’t close enough. One of them moaned—Riley was pretty sure it was Kollin—and Riley craved more. He swiveled his hips in a desperate attempt to relieve the pressure building in his groin. When Kollin slipped his hand down to Riley’s ass and pulled them together, Riley felt Kollin’s hard cock pressed against him.

  Kollin gripped Riley’s bottom lip between his teeth and pulled, and it was Riley’s turn to moan. He jutted his hips forward and rubbed his crotch against Kollin’s shaft. Oh God. It was everything he’d been missing before. Everything felt so good, so right. Warm and solid against Riley, Kollin felt to him like the missing piece of a puzzle he’d been frantically trying to solve.

  Riley broke away from Kollin’s mouth and trailed his lips across Kollin’s jaw to sink his teeth into the warm flesh just below his ear. Kollin groaned again and slipped his hands beneath Riley’s shirt to settle on his waist, but the touch startled Riley. He broke out of his lust-filled haze and suddenly became aware that he was practically dry-humping Kollin.

  In Kollin’s driveway.

  With Adam and Elijah and Lizzie right inside their home.

  Mortification flooded every bone in his body. Riley pulled away abruptly and took a few steps back. He leaned over, placed his hands on his knees, and sucked in oxygen in a feeble attempt to regain his composure.

  Kollin’s soft laughter floated through the night, and Riley’s heart might as well have dropped out of his chest. Kollin was laughing at him already? Tears sprang behind his eyes, and a fresh wave of disgust swept through him.

  “Damn,” Kollin said, his breaths coming almost as quickly as Riley’s. “If I’d known it was going to be that good, I would’ve kissed you a long time ago.”

  Riley snapped his head up. “What?”

  Kollin sat back on the hood of the car, not at all discreetly shifting his package. “Don’t tell me you didn’t enjoy that.” Kollin rubbed the back of his neck as he studied the ground and avoided Riley’s eyes. “I mean, usually I can tell when a guy is into me. Either he pops a boner or he doesn’t. I used to think it must suck for straight guys to not be able to know if their partner is turned on, but clearly there are other ways to tell. That was fucking hot.”

  Riley stared at Kollin, who was still shifting himself in his pants, and tried to decipher everything he’d just said. In the end all he could focus on was the last bit.

  “You thought that was hot?”

  Kollin met Riley’s eyes and gestured toward his bulge. “Do you need further proof?” He studied Riley for a moment, and his face fell. “I’m sorry. Did I misread? I thought… I mean, I thought you pulled away because we were getting carried away. I didn’t realize you weren’t enjoying it. Shit, Ri. I’m sorry.”

  Kollin stood up and took a step toward Riley, his arms outstretched, and Riley shook himself out of his shock. “No. God, no. Don’t be sorry. I thought you were grossed out by me rubbing all over you like that. I’ve never lost control like that before. I don’t know what came over me.”

  The slow, confident smile returned, and Kollin took another step forward and grabbed Riley’s hands. He lifted them, placed their palms together, and gently intertwined their fingers.

  “I’m not gonna lie, I was really nervous about doing that. Still am a little bit. But so far, so good. At no point during that kiss was I thinking anything other than, ‘Holy fuck, I’m kissing my best friend, and it feels amazing, and I want more,’ and ‘Oh my God. Don’t stop doing that.’”

  Riley’s face flushed. He dipped his head against Kollin’s chest to hide his face. “There’s my poet.”

  “And you didn’t even know it.”

  Riley groaned. “You’re ridiculous.”

  “Only according to 95 percent of the population. I’m perfectly normal to the rest of us.”

  Riley looked up at Kollin. “I liked the kiss too. Sorry I spazzed at the end.”

  Typically, as if he didn’t have a care in the world, Kollin shrugged. “Probably best we stopped. We agreed to take it slow, and I was two seconds from begging you to let me take your shirt off—protective dads or not.”

  Riley’s heart skipped a beat as he imagined Kollin’s hands on his bare chest. But Kollin had never seen his scars, and that thought made him want to vomit, so he gratefully accepted the excuse. “Yes. Slow is good. Clothes stay on until further notice.”

  Chapter 9

  KOLLIN REACHED around Riley, who was lying against him in Riley’s small bed, to grab a few kernels of popcorn from the bowl in Riley’s lap. “So when can I tell Adam and Eli about us?”

  Riley shot up and hacked on whatever candy he’d just shoved in his mouth. Kollin slapped his back a few times and tried to hide his amusement by handing Riley a glass of Cherry Coke.

  “You okay?” Kollin asked, and he grinned.

  “Yeah,” Riley muttered. He took a long swig and settled back against Kollin’s chest. “What exactly do you want to tell them?”

  “I dunno.” Kollin watched as President Whitmore delivered his famous speech. Independence Day was one of Adam’s all-time favorite movies and solely because of that part. Having seen it so many times and listened to the glee in Adam’s voice as he recited the speech along with Bill Pullman, Kollin had grown to love the film as much as Adam. Neither he nor Riley had paid very much attention to the movie thus far, but Kollin still got goosebumps during the speech. “Maybe we just tell them we’re dating.”

  “We?” Riley asked, his voice high.

  “Fine. Me. Whatever. I’m just not used to keeping secrets from them. It’d be one thing if I weren’t living in their house… if both of us weren’t living here.” Kollin laid his cheek on the top of Riley’s head. “I mean, they don’t give a shit what we do, but I don’t want to feel like I’m sneaking around.”

  “That’s what we’re doing, then? Dating?”

  “What the hell else would you call it? We went on a date yesterday, and now we’re on our second one.”

  Riley harrumphed, and Kollin laughed.

  “Maybe we shouldn’t make a big deal out of what we call it, just yet.”

  “Then why tell them at all, if it’s not a big deal?” Riley asked.

  Gently Kollin pushed Riley up and moved around the bed so they were facing one another. “I didn’t say this”—he gestured between the two of them—“isn’t a big deal. I said what we call it isn’t a big deal. If you really don’t want me to, I won’t say anything, but I’m not sure why you’re hesitant. You know they’re not like most parents.”

  Riley worried his lip and tugged his ring in and out of his mouth with his teeth. Guilt overcame Kollin for pushing Riley, and he was about to take the suggestion back when Riley sighed loudly. “Fine. But you have to at least wait until tomorrow, when I’m not camped out in the basement, and you make sure to let them know this was your idea. I’m not some creeper trying to seduce you deeper into the queer lifestyle.”

  Kollin snorted. “I’m not sure there are levels of queerness, but whatever you say.”

  Riley blushed and looked down, and the awkwardness in the room multiplied ten times over. They’d spent most of the movie cuddling and talking, but aside from Riley lounging a little more on top of Kollin than normal, their second “date” was pretty damn close to hanging out
as friends.

  With so much uncertainty between them, Kollin didn’t think that was necessarily a bad thing. Riley clearly struggled with body dysphoria, and Kollin had no interest in inadvertently pushing the wrong button. They needed to talk about everything, at some point, but with their friendship being so established, starting that conversation felt more awkward than it would if they’d just met.

  Kollin already cared deeply for Riley—the idea of hurting him in any way was unbearable—but he didn’t know how to bring some of his concerns up without hurting Riley, which was one of the main reasons he wanted to tell Adam they’d started dating. After so many years of therapy, Kollin had grown accustomed to talking out his feelings as a way of understanding them, but he didn’t want to see a therapist just so he could have a boyfriend. Besides, Riley was likely to turn tail and run if Kollin said he needed a therapist because they were dating.

  But… Riley looked pretty damn adorable at that moment, and Kollin remembered how fitting Riley felt in his arms the night before. He placed his hands on Riley’s knees to garner Ri’s attention and then leaned forward to kiss him softly. The sounds of American aircraft attacking alien ships floated around them as Riley responded, tentatively at first, and then with more confidence. Kollin kept it light to honor the pact they made the night before to take it slowly, but when he tugged on Riley’s lip ring with his teeth, Ri grabbed him around the waist and jerked backward and tumbled them onto the bed.

  Kollin laughed as they untangled their legs, but neither broke their kiss. Riley clutched at the back of Kollin’s shirt until it shifted up enough for Riley to press his hands to Kollin’s bare skin. Riley’s palms were rough, and his touch tickled until he gripped Kollin more firmly. He squeezed Kollin’s sides and then let out a groan that sounded more frustrated than turned-on.