Reclaiming Hope

by Shell Taylor

  “Oh….” Eli’s eyes widened. “Ohhhh.”

  “Yeah. I’ve just never been with anyone who didn’t have a dick,” Kollin blurted out and felt his cheeks warm.

  “Oh,” Eli said again. He looked a little pale. Kollin normally asked Adam about stuff like that, but Adam had never been with a woman. No matter how uncomfortable it made both of them, Eli was his only hope at getting advice.

  Kollin finished his last patty, which turned out about half the size of the others.

  Eli remained silent until Kollin finally sighed. “Never mind. I’ll figure it out somehow.”

  “No, no,” Eli said. “I want to help. It’s just… weird. I’m trying to figure out how to phrase things. You’re still fifteen to me sometimes, and that’s way too young for some of these words.”

  Kollin nodded and waited, the hamburger patties forgotten.

  “Okay, look. I’ve been with plenty of women, but it’s not going to be the same as being with Riley. The best thing you can do is talk to him and see what he likes.”

  Kollin shook his head. “I just don’t know if we’re to that point yet, though.”

  “If you’re not to the point of being able to talk about it yet, maybe you shouldn’t be doing it.”

  Kollin fixed a hard stare toward Eli. “’Cuz you talked about all of your fears with everyone you fooled around with?”

  “No. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have.” Eli snapped out his words and then cleared his throat. “I think we both know that no one I dated before Adam meant much of anything to me. Casual sex and what you’re thinking about doing with Riley are completely different. I also never dated a trans person during midtransition. Now turn your grill on.”

  Kollin huffed but obeyed.

  “Wait a few minutes for it to get hot before you put the meat on it.” Eli sighed, long and loudly.

  “Thanks,” Kollin mumbled and set down the meat he’d been about to put on the grill.

  “So, what? Are you looking for specific instructions or something?”

  Kollin winced. “I dunno. Maybe.”

  “That’s tough, Koll. Everyone’s different. They like different things. Haven’t you learned that from the guys you’ve been with?”

  “Well, yeah. But at least I had years of practice on myself before I touched another guy. Now I’m going in blind to something that may or may not gross me out.”

  Eli buried his head in his hands against the counter. If Kollin hadn’t been so desperate for some kind of advice, he’d have enjoyed making Eli uncomfortable. “You think they’re gross?”

  “Well, kinda,” Kollin whimpered. “Isn’t that the whole point of being gay?”

  Eli smacked the counter with his palm. His voice sounded unnaturally high when he spoke. “How do I know? I’m not gay.”

  “I know. That’s why I’m asking you for help,” Kollin all but shouted and then lowered his voice. “What if we make it that far, and I’m too grossed out to do anything? There’s all kinds of… folds and… holes… and things. And it’s all shiny sometimes. What the hell is that about? Dick, balls, ass. How simple is that?”

  “Oh God. Adam,” Eli screeched his name, “please tell me you’re home.”

  “Eli, I’m serious,” Kollin said, trying and failing to keep the pleading tone out of his voice.

  “I am too,” Eli said, his tone as desperate as Kollin’s.

  “Fine.” Kollin turned back to the grill and threw the hamburger patties on it with more force than necessary.

  He was cutting a tomato when Eli spoke again, his voice soft and back under control. “Some women like a firmer touch, some softer. Some like to be penetrated, some like their clit rubbed, and some like both. Some can only get off on oral while others hate the thought of it. All of that, plus the fact that Riley is not a woman, means I can’t give you an easy answer.” Eli paused. “You need to talk to him, Koll.”

  Kollin spun around, brandishing the knife in the air. “But he’s already so self-conscious about his body. If he finds out I’m nervous too, he’s going to bail. I really like him, and I don’t want something this stupid to keep us from being together. I’m trying to somehow confidently lead us through all of this but still let him set the pace. I know I’m going to screw it up, though, because he’s still keeping all these secrets from me. I don’t even know what the hell to do with that. We never had secrets before.”

  Eli came around the counter to stand next to Kollin. “Slow down. Okay? First of all, sexual attraction isn’t stupid. It’s not the only thing to consider in a relationship, but without it, you won’t stand much chance of success. The other day it sounded like you were pretty confident about chemistry between you two. Why are you worried now?”

  Kollin turned back to the tomato to avoid looking at Eli. “Riley kinda showed me what to do then. It was a little embarrassing.”

  “So then why do you think he won’t want to tell you what he likes?”

  “He seems really self-conscious until we get in the middle of something. It’s like… once he reaches a point, he forgets to freak out about everything. He forgets that he’s different and lets go. It’s not exactly convenient to stop and hash things out once he finally reaches that point, though. And before that, everything is taboo.”

  “Flip your patties,” Eli said and pointed toward the grill. “And get the cheese ready.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “You’re not going to like what I have to say next.”

  Kollin sighed. “Great.”

  “Adam’s right. You need to be careful. Riley needs to deal with his shit before you two get serious. Starting a new relationship when you’re already dealing with emotional baggage is so difficult. If Adam weren’t such a saint, we never would’ve made it.”

  “So I should tell him we can’t date until he’s got his shit sorted out?” Kollin rolled his eyes. “That sounds super supportive.”

  Eli ignored his sarcasm. “Not necessarily. But the good thing about your relationship with Riley is you two were friends first. And not just fast friends. You were best friends with a soul-deep connection. What if you weren’t dating Riley, and he came to you with this stuff? What if he told you he’s worried his insecurities will keep him from finding happiness with a new guy he’s dating? What would you tell him to do?”

  Kollin’s shoulders drooped. “I’d tell him to talk to Dr. Maggie about it and talk to the new guy about it.”

  To his credit Eli didn’t look even a little bit smug. “Exactly. I’m not saying not to date Riley, but it wouldn’t hurt to take a step back from being the guy he’s dating and slide in as his best friend. You’ve got this kind of romantic dinner tonight, so you should probably wait until you two are doing something that’s clearly a friend thing. Maybe something you used to do before, and then ask him how his sessions are going.”

  “But he’s never seemed to want to talk about them before.”

  Eli chuffed. “Koll. Come on. When have you ever let that stop you? All it takes is for you to be dating someone for you to suddenly respect people’s boundaries?”

  Kollin laughed. “Shut up. I respect boundaries.”

  “You’re nosy as hell, and you know it.” Eli grinned. “But we love you, so we put up with it.”

  “Put up with me, you mean.”

  Eli shrugged. “Same difference.”

  “Gee, thanks.” Kollin laid cheese on top of the burgers. “Why couldn’t you have just given me some kind of secret move? You’ve been living with Adam too long.”

  “I’ll take that as a compliment. You good here?” Eli gestured toward the food on the counter.

  “Yeah. These are almost done, and then I can cut everything up for the wraps.”

  “All right, then. I’m going to go pick up Adam and Lizzie from the center. We’ll be out of your hair the rest of the night.” Eli wrapped his arm around Kollin, pulled him closer, and dropped a kiss on top of his head.

  “Thanks for talking to me.” Kollin gri
nned. “Even if you weren’t all that helpful.”

  Chapter 12

  OVER THE following three weeks, Kollin made little to no progress with Riley. In fact, frustratingly enough, Kollin thought they’d taken a couple of steps back. Riley was standoffish the night Kollin cooked for him, and when pressed, he claimed he was exhausted from the long workweek. Riley genuinely seemed to want to spend time with Kollin whenever they spoke on the phone, but then he’d keep his distance when they were together and only offer the barest hint of a kiss when they parted ways. Kollin tried not to read much into Riley’s behavior, but with each passing day, his anger and frustration grew.

  Was Riley playing him? Kollin told himself over and over again that Riley’s insecurities lay at the core of his distant attitude, but the more time passed, the more Kollin wondered if something else was going on. On top of being emotionally frustrated, Kollin itched to take the next step physically. Hell. He’d be happy just to take the first step again. Maybe he needed to suck it up and take Eli’s advice to talk to Riley.

  Kollin looked up from his notes—notes he was supposed to be studying for his quiz the following day—and saw Riley walk into the multipurpose room. “There you are,” Kollin said and waved him over.

  “Sorry I’m late,” Riley said as he pulled out a chair. “Dr. Maggie ran over, since she didn’t have an appointment after me.”

  “It’s okay. I’m just keeping an eye on everyone in here while I study. I can’t believe we have a quiz on the first week back.” Having started fall classes, Kollin spent most of his afternoons at the center. Most of the youth there respected the rules, so Kollin used the time to study while he supervised. “Sure you don’t mind hanging out here a while?”

  “Of course not.” Riley grinned. “It’s almost like old times.”

  Kollin couldn’t help but smile back. That was exactly what he hoped for. “Yeah. How’d your session go?”

  “Okay. Same as usual, I guess.”

  Kollin wasn’t surprised. That was Riley’s stock answer. And Kollin always left it at that. But no more. He was getting some answers, and what better setting than where they’d first forged their friendship?

  He fiddled with his pencil. “She say if she’s getting any closer to signing off for you to move forward with your transition?”

  Riley avoided Kollin’s gaze. “No. She still wants to have more sessions with me.”

  “That sucks, man. I know how much you want this surgery.” Riley remained silent, so Kollin pushed some more. “Why doesn’t she want to sign off? I thought she just needed a few regular sessions on the books to prove she’d done her due diligence.”

  “I don’t know, Koll.” Riley sounded frustrated and finally looked at him. “Do we have to talk about this right now?”

  Kollin shrugged. “We never talk about it, and, you know, it’s kind of a big deal. I just want to make sure you don’t need anything from me.”

  “What exactly would I need from you?”

  “Whatever…. A shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, a punching bag when you’re tired of waiting.”

  Riley spat out a laugh. “I’d never hit you.”

  Kollin reached out and covered Riley’s hand. “I’m serious, Ri. What’s going on?”

  Riley looked away. “It’s complicated.”

  Kollin held back his urge to growl. Could Riley be any more evasive? But instead of lashing out, he squeezed Riley’s hand. “I’m pretty smart, you know. Come on. You know you can tell me anything.”

  “It’s not that.” Riley slid his hand out from beneath Kollin’s but leaned closer to him and lowered his voice. “I barely understand how I feel about my own body most days, you know? I thought I’d come to terms with the dysmorphia, but some days I can’t stand to look in the mirror, even with my clothes on. When I picture myself in my head, I’m taller, broader, not so curvy in the hips. Sometimes I can even almost feel something between my legs. It’s the strangest fucking thing.”

  Kollin frowned. “Your hips aren’t curvy.”

  “Not the point, Koll.”

  “Well, they’re not.”

  Riley fixed a hard stare at Kollin.

  “Fine. Then why won’t Dr. Maggie sign? Won’t transitioning help with all of those issues?”

  Riley shook his head. “It’s not that simple, apparently. Dr. Maggie thinks I need to be in a better place emotionally before having an additional surgery. She says it’s a big step and doesn’t want me to rely on the surgery to fix all my problems.” Riley sat back in his seat and crossed his arms over his chest. “I sort of get it, but it sucks. I’m getting the surgery no matter what, so I don’t see why I can’t just get it over with. I just want to stand when I take a piss.”

  Ri had been on T for several years already. Kollin knew that meant his clitoris should have grown to look like a small penis and that most trans men referred to it as their dick. The metoidioplasty surgery he wanted would allow it to hang free so he could piss into a urinal—not that Riley had shared any of that information with him. As with so many other things, the topic seemed to be off the table.

  Kollin ground his teeth together. Riley was finally telling him something, though. If he proceeded cautiously enough, maybe he’d get more out of him.

  “So what do you do now?”

  Riley fidgeted in his seat. “She mentioned something about visiting my parents, but I don’t know.”

  Anger flared in Kollin’s belly, but it wasn’t directed at Riley. “Your parents? They all but kicked you out. Why the hell should you visit them?”

  “She didn’t say I had to.” Riley squirmed in his seat again and looked more uncomfortable by the minute. “She just said it was something to think about, since so much was left unresolved with them.”

  “Unresolved?” Kollin spluttered. “They cut you off and didn’t contact you again. What’s unresolved about that?”

  Riley finally spared Kollin a baleful glance. “It’s not like I gave them the opportunity to get in touch. I didn’t talk to you for four years either.”

  “So wait, Ri. I’m confused here.” Kollin leaned forward. “Did your parents try to contact you and you ignored them, or did they cut you off completely… like you told me?”

  “I don’t know. Okay?” Clearly pushed to his limit, Riley shouted. Several people looked in their direction. He lowered his voice when he spoke again. “It was too hard to ignore you when there were constant reminders in my inbox every day, so I stopped checking my e-mails and got rid of my phone. But it’s not like my parents couldn’t have contacted me through the school if they needed to.”

  Kollin sat back in his seat, bewildered. Technically Riley hadn’t lied to him, but he’d definitely led Kollin to believe something completely different from what had actually happened. Was that what Riley had been hiding from him? Guilt was written all over Riley’s downcast face, and if he’d been resisting Dr. Maggie’s suggestion to take the next step, maybe that’s why he was struggling so much. He’d played a much bigger part in his estrangement with his parents than Kollin realized, and lying about it couldn’t have been easy.

  Excitement at finally getting to the root of Riley’s issues overshadowed his resentment at being lied to, and Kollin reached out to grab Riley’s hand again. “Maybe you should think about it. I mean, if there’s a chance it helps and you can get your surgery sooner, wouldn’t it be worth it?”

  “Or maybe my parents really do still hate me, and the whole thing sets me back. And then it would be even longer before we could—”

  “Before we could what?”

  Riley looked down at the ground. “You know… be together.”

  Kollin felt a sudden urge to hug Riley. He would do whatever it took—confront Riley’s parents himself, if he had to—to wipe the look of total defeat and embarrassment off Riley’s face.

  “You know you don’t have to worry about me and all that. Right? I know what I’m getting into.”

  Riley rolled his eyes.

&nb
sp; “I’m serious,” Kollin insisted. “I may not be used to everything you have down there, but I’m okay with that if you are. You might have to show me what to do sometimes, but you didn’t have a problem with that a few weeks ago.”

  Riley groaned. “Don’t remind me. I’m still embarrassed about that.”

  “Why the hell are you embarrassed?” Kollin lowered his voice. “Do you not remember how turned on I was?”

  Riley’s cheeks tinged pink. “I was so loud.”

  “Yeah, and it was hot as fuck.

  Riley shook his head. “Don’t do that.”

  “Don’t do what?”

  “Pretend like it wasn’t weird.”

  “It wasn’t weird,” Kollin insisted. “And I don’t remember saying anything to give you that impression.”

  Riley sighed. “Yeah, but you don’t like vaginas.”

  Kollin looked around the room to make sure no one was paying attention to them. There were a few kids playing a game on the PlayStation and some lounging on the couch. Everyone was engrossed in their own lives, probably not even aware Kollin and Riley were in the corner. “I don’t know if here is the best place to talk about this, but since we can’t seem to talk about it when we’re anywhere else….” Kollin paused. “Look, I’m going to be honest, because Eli thinks I should be. It might be a little different for me if and when we progress to something like that, but I don’t think there’s any way I’ll know until we get there. And I’m not bullshitting you even a little bit when I say, emphatically, that I was more turned on than I’ve ever been when we fooled around that night.”

  Riley frowned and shook his head. “Kollin—”

  “Dude, I’m telling you, I haven’t jizzed that quickly in ages.” Kollin sat back in his seat. “I was actually wondering if you were blowing me off because I sucked at pleasing you. I felt pretty good about it that night. You were so into it, and when you took charge… I mean, really, Riley….”

  Kollin realized he’d gotten a bit overzealous in trying to reassure Riley. He didn’t want to sound desperate, but he wanted no doubt left in Riley’s mind that he’d been just as into their dry-hump session as Riley. Kollin was no therapist, but a bit of confidence couldn’t hurt the situation.