Reclaiming Hope

by Shell Taylor

  Riley shook his head. “I didn’t want you to know he existed.” His voice sounded hoarse… weak. “He represents everything in my past that I’m ashamed of, and I didn’t want to disappoint you. He doesn’t even know how much he messed me up.”

  Kollin looked at Riley in disbelief. “From the way you just reacted, how the hell could he not? He’d have to be the most self-absorbed jackass in the world.”

  Riley shrugged. “You’re not far off. He never knew how close he came to destroying everything I’d been working toward.”

  From the look on Kollin’s face, Riley’s vagueness wasn’t going to fly that time. Riley couldn’t think of when he’d ever seen Kollin so angry—at least not at him. Headlights bounced in the side mirror as another car pulled into the parking area and stopped several spaces down from them. The driver cut the engine and immediately leaned across the console toward the person in the passenger seat. The windows would be fogged up in minutes. Riley huffed out a humorless laugh. That’s how he thought his night would end. Instead he managed to piss off the boyfriend he didn’t even know he had until a few hours earlier.

  Riley sighed. “Tony always took me to places like this. We were friends in public, but when he wanted to fool around, we had to go to the middle of nowhere. I had my own place, but he didn’t want people to see us going in or out alone.”

  “Riley—”

  But he cut Kollin off. “I mean, he never actually said that, but I’m not stupid. Most guys who hook up with me only do it the one time. Or if they come back, they just want a blow job. But Tony seemed to be into having sex with me. I thought he liked it.” Riley looked at Kollin, and everything else tumbled out. “He had a girlfriend. She was really sweet. Way too good for him, and I felt guilty that I helped him cheat, but I thought Tony was in the closet and… I don’t know. I knew being with him was wrong, but I justified it because I’d finally found someone who wanted me. Or so I thought.

  “And if that wasn’t bad enough, Tony had a nasty drug habit. I should’ve been stronger, should’ve told him no, but when he was with me, when it was just the two of us… I would’ve done anything he wanted.” Riley blinked back tears and hated how small his voice sounded. “I know that’s awful. But he was the first person who ever seemed to care about me. Who ever seemed to want me. I thought once he got his shit together and came out of the closet, we would be together.”

  Riley’s voice cracked as he continued. “I couldn’t see how he was destroying my life. Greg’s the only reason I got out. He figured out what was going on and pretty much severed all ties between Tony and me. Then he helped me get clean.”

  DEVASTATION FILLED Kollin’s soul, and still no words came to mind. He was so angry at Riley. After everything they’d been through, did he really think so little of Kollin? Did he really think Kollin would’ve looked down on him? Did he really expect Kollin to treat him the same as that douchebag? The last thing Riley needed right now was Kollin’s anger, but he’d held it in for months. He’d ignored his instinct to be honest about his own feelings and instead put Riley’s first, to make sure he didn’t scare him off.

  Riley reached for Kollin’s hand across the console, but Kollin jerked away. It was too much. Tony. Riley’s drug problems. The secrets. The constant worrying and reassuring. Putting all of his own issues aside to focus on Riley. At that moment Kollin couldn’t handle Riley, couldn’t deal with everything that being with him entailed.

  “We should get home.” He turned the key in the ignition without looking at Riley. If he did, he knew he’d reach out for him and tell him he understood, tell him he’d always be there. And Kollin couldn’t do that. Not then.

  They remained silent the entire ride home. Kollin got out of his car as soon as he turned the engine off and was halfway to the door when he heard Riley call his name.

  “Can you please say something?” Riley pleaded.

  Kollin shook his head and looked at the ground to avoid the look of raw pain he knew would mar Riley’s features. “Not tonight. I need some time.”

  He turned back to the house, but Riley grabbed his arm. “Kollin, please.”

  Kollin stopped but didn’t turn back. “I said not tonight, Riley.”

  “But you can’t just leave me hanging like this.” Riley’s voice broke. “After everything I just told you.”

  Kollin didn’t say anything but kept walking to the door.

  “This,” Riley shouted. “This is why I didn’t fucking tell you. I knew I’d get nothing but rejection. Why the fuck would I want to subject myself to that again? Fuck that, Kollin.”

  Kollin whirled around. “Fuck that? Fuck that? Fuck you, Riley. I’ve done nothing but support you since the moment you walked back into my life after four fucking years of nothing. You could’ve been dead, for all I knew. Found in some ditch and tagged John fucking Doe because no one cared enough to identify you. All that time you were gone, and the only thing I asked for from you when you waltzed back into town was a little respect.

  “I understood that you didn’t want to be seen with the flamer while on the job. I understood that you didn’t want to move our physical relationship forward. I fucking understood that there were some things you wanted to keep quiet. And every single time I worried about you, every single time my feelings were hurt because you didn’t trust me enough to confide in me, and every single time I got pissed off because I could tell you were lying to me about something, I shoved it aside, determined to be not only a supportive boyfriend but a supportive friend. And the first time I ask you for five fucking minutes to process the fact that you’re a drug addict, dated some fucktard whose bullshit lies still affect you today, and lied to me about it for months, you somehow end up pissed?”

  Kollin screamed into the night and tugged at his hair.

  “Dammit, Riley. And now I’m even more pissed at you for making me act like such a fucking asshole when I know you need me right now. I know you do, but I just can’t.” Kollin shrugged his shoulders, He felt more helpless than ever before. He wished he could offer Riley better. “I just can’t, Ri.”

  Kollin turned back to the door and unlocked it. He took one step in the house and half turned back to Riley, who hadn’t moved since Kollin’s outburst. “Just… don’t take off tonight. Please come inside.”

  Riley didn’t move, so Kollin walked inside and left the door open behind him. He climbed the stairs quickly and waited at the top until he heard Riley quietly click the door closed behind him. With a small sigh of relief, Kollin trudged into his bedroom and flipped on the light.

  “I take it Riley finally came clean?”

  Kollin jumped back and automatically grabbed for some kind of weapon but came up empty. “Shit, Adam. What the hell?”

  Adam sat on the corner of Kollin’s bed. He looked surprised that he’d startled Kollin and turned the corner of his mouth down. “Sorry. Figured you’d expect me after all that racket you made outside.”

  “I need my own place,” Kollin mumbled as he toed off his shoes and then collapsed on the bed behind Adam.

  “Good luck paying for it.”

  Kollin grunted and closed his eyes. He knew Adam would wait until he was ready to talk. He’d even leave if he asked him to, but Kollin didn’t want to put off dealing with the matter. As angry as he was at Riley, he still worried about him. Dragging the situation out wouldn’t solve anything.

  “Tony, who I assume you know about, was at Legends tonight,” Kollin finally said. “He cornered Riley. Acted like a jackass, which is apparently just his normal self.”

  “Ah,” Adam said. “So he didn’t tell you willingly.”

  Kollin shrugged. “I wasn’t holding a gun to his head, but willingly would definitely be a strong term to use. How much did you hear?”

  Adam fell back on the bed beside Kollin. “Oh, pretty much everything after ‘fuck you.’ That was quite the rant. Impressive. I think my favorite part was when you acknowledged that you were acting like an asshole and then didn’t a
pologize.”

  Kollin sighed. “I will tomorrow. I asked him not to leave.”

  “There’s something, at least.”

  “If you’re in here just to make me feel worse, feel free to head back to your room at any time.”

  Adam tucked his hands behind his head. “I’m waiting on you, kid.”

  Kollin rolled his eyes. Why couldn’t Adam be a little less Mr. Miyagi and a little more Madea and just tell him what to do?

  “He doesn’t owe me anything,” Kollin said, his voice soft.

  “No. He doesn’t.”

  “He still should’ve told me.” Kollin looked at Adam. “If nothing else, when we started dating, so I could understand everything he was trying to deal with.”

  “Yeah.” Adam agreed. “He probably should’ve.”

  “I have every reason to be mad at him. Right? Everything I said is true. All those years of nothing, and then he comes back. I forgive him like it was nothing, even though he devastated me, and he can’t even be honest with me. That’s not some bullshit reason to be pissed.”

  Adam hesitated and then asked, “Didn’t you already tell him you forgave him for that?”

  “Well, yeah. But it was still a shitty thing to do.”

  “Of course it was, but you gotta pick one or the other. Either you hold it against him forever, or you forgive him and let it go.”

  Kollin huffed. “I don’t want to hold it against him forever, but it’s only been a few months.”

  “You wanna know one of the most amazing things about Elijah?”

  Kollin side-eyed Adam and wondered where the abrupt subject change was going to lead. “Uh, okay.”

  “After my mom came back, and I had all those issues, he never once held it against me. He told me the first day I came back that he forgave me. I will never forget standing in his office and hearing those words, wondering how he could mean them after everything I’d done to him and to you.” Adam shrugged. “But he did. He never mentioned it again. For the next two years, every single fight we got in, I kept waiting for him to throw that back in my face as proof of how unreliable I was or what a shitty husband or father I was, and it never came.”

  “Sooo… your brilliant plan for helping me fix this is to point out how much better of a human being Eli is than me?”

  Adam nudged Kollin’s side. “No. My point is, I can’t imagine how difficult that must’ve been for him. I’m not sure if I could’ve done it. It would’ve been on the tip of my tongue so many times, but I never heard the slightest bit of resentment from him. You know, to this day I’ve never thanked him for that.” Adam sighed. “Part of me thinks if I point it out, he’ll be reminded and use it against me in our next fight, but I know he wouldn’t.”

  Kollin covered his face with his hands and groaned. “If you’re not trying to make me feel bad, then I still don’t get how this relates to me and Riley.”

  “Maybe it doesn’t. But it popped in my head while we were talking, and I felt like I needed to confess my secret. Even though it’s one I’m ashamed of.”

  Kollin’s eyes widened, and he sat up and pointed at Adam. “Oh… you’re good. You are good.” Adam laughed and Kollin fell back onto the bed. “I get why he didn’t tell me. And I tried to avoid the clusterfuck we had outside, but he kept pushing me. And he sounded so dejected, and I knew it was because of me, and I hated myself for making him sound like that—especially after opening up to me tonight. But I just kept thinking how he only did it because he was backed into a corner.

  “If Tony hadn’t shown up, we’d be in the basement right now doing God knows what. That is scary as fuck to me after hearing how that piece of shit treated him. Nobody deserves to be used like that, and certainly not Riley. How the fuck can anyone know Ri and not see how amazing he is?”

  “Probably because Riley can’t see the good in himself.”

  “That’s my fucking point. It’s mostly because of that idiot.” Kollin’s voice trailed off and he sighed. “I should’ve known.”

  Adam sat up and patted Kollin’s knee. “I know it hurts right now, but I think in the end, this will be a good thing. No matter how much we know Riley’s entitled to keep certain things to himself, if you two are serious about being in a relationship, you’re better off being up front and honest about all your emotional baggage. You’re just as guilty for keeping all of that pent-up anger to yourself as he is for not telling you about Tony.”

  “Ugh.” Kollin covered his face with his hands. “I know.”

  “I know you do. That’s what makes it so hard.” Adam stood. “You good?”

  “Good enough.”

  “You gonna sneak down to the basement tonight?”

  Kollin laughed. “Not quite that good yet. Besides, I’m probably the last person he wants to see.”

  Adam started out of the room but paused at the doorway. He looked back at Kollin. “I wouldn’t be so sure about that.”

  WITH TEARS streaming down his face, Riley pounded down the stairs. He flipped on the light, grabbed his duffel bag at the end of the bed, and began stuffing his clothes into it. He swiped some of the wetness off his cheeks and went into the bathroom to grab his toothbrush. When he came back out, Elijah stood at the bottom of the steps with a bottle of liquor in his hands.

  “Care for a drink?”

  Humiliated enough for one night, Riley tried to cover up the fact that he was crying. “No thank you.”

  No hiding that quake in his voice.

  “Mind if I have one while you pack?”

  Guilt flooded Riley. All Kollin had asked him to do was not run away again. Everything he’d said had been right, yet still Riley wanted to flee in the middle of the night, without a word. He shook his head and shoved his toiletry bag into the duffel. Then, understanding he wouldn’t be leaving until Elijah had his say, he sat on the bed.

  “I’m not going to lie, Riley,” Elijah said. “This isn’t really my thing.”

  “This?”

  He took a swig of the amber-colored drink. “You know. Talking shit out. I’m more of a fix-it type guy.”

  “I’ve noticed,” Riley muttered.

  Elijah nodded. “Most people do.”

  “If I promise not to leave until morning, can we skip this, then?”

  Elijah shook his head. “Ah, ah, ah. Afraid not. You’re not getting me in trouble with Adam that easily.”

  “So? What? You drew the short straw and had to come find me while Adam’s consoling Kollin?”

  “Actually, I wanted to come down here.” Elijah took another sip of his drink and eyed Riley the entire time. It was intimidating as hell.

  “To scare the shit out of me? ’Cuz if so, job well done.”

  Elijah grinned. “Maybe a little. You hurt my kid.”

  Riley nodded. “I don’t really need a reminder.”

  “So why’d you do it?”

  “Do what?” Riley figured he was treading a thin line, but he half hoped he could piss Elijah off enough to get himself kicked out. Then he could blame his morning absence on Elijah instead of his own insecurities.

  “That’s fine. We can do this the slow and painful way, if you want. I got all night.”

  Riley sighed. “I didn’t mean to hurt him. Okay? It’s just… there’s this part of my life that’s so embarrassing, and I didn’t really see a point in telling him. I never expected to see my ex again, and I never thought he would be so upset at me just for not mentioning it.”

  “Damn, son.” Elijah set the bottle of liquor down on the nightstand. “The past always, always, always comes back to bite you in the ass, at some point. How could it not? It’s part of who you are.”

  “Yeah. But it’s a pretty shitty part of who I am.”

  “Doesn’t matter,” Elijah insisted. “If whatever happened tonight hadn’t happened, would you be here today? I mean, assuming being here today with Kollin is where you want to be, doesn’t that make it at least a little worth it?”

  “Yeah. But I did some pre
tty terrible things.”

  “Yeah, but,” Elijah mimicked, and Riley sort of wanted to punch him. “Kollin is, hands down, the greatest kid I know. You can’t tell me you think he wouldn’t have understood, wouldn’t have had compassion for your situation.”

  Frustrated that Elijah wasn’t listening to him, Riley shouted. “He shouldn’t have to, though. That’s my point.”

  “And why not? He chose you, Ri. And from what I hear, he practically bullied you into this relationship. He wanted you and everything that comes with you.” Elijah pointed up the stairs. “That boy is not an idiot. He knew you were hiding something, and he wanted you anyway. I need you to understand that before I walk my ass back up all those steps. If you run out of here tonight and we never hear from you again, I need to be sure you understand that, regardless of whatever fight you two had tonight, Kollin wants you in his life—as a friend and as more than that.”

  “But why?” Riley stood and paced around the room. “It doesn’t make any sense. I’m broken—physically and emotionally. There were plenty of guys at the club tonight who would’ve loved to dance with him, sleep with him, date him, whatever. And then he wouldn’t have to deal with my bullshit drama.”

  “Doesn’t matter why,” Elijah insisted. “What matters is that you know.”

  Riley sighed and flopped back on the bed. “Yeah, I guess I know,” he mumbled.

  “What was that?” Elijah asked as he cupped his ear.

  Riley rolled his eyes and then looked directly at Elijah. “I said I know that Kollin wants me in his life.”

  “Good.” Elijah picked up his bottle of liquor. “So we’re both in agreement that if I wake up in the morning and your ass is gone, you will never ever grace the steps of my house again?”

  Riley felt as if every ounce of energy in his body drained right out, and he cast his eyes toward the floor. “Yes, sir,” he said quietly.

  Elijah turned back toward the stairs and paused at the bottom to flip off the light switch. “For what it’s worth, I hope to see you for breakfast. And not just because it’ll break Kollin’s heart if you’re gone.”