Reclaiming Hope

by Shell Taylor

  Riley sighed. He wanted to scream and shout and throw things, but it was way too late. Lizzie had slept through all the drama so far—he hoped at least—and he had no intention of waking her up. Instead he threw his packed duffle bag on the floor, slipped off his shoes, and climbed into bed, fully clothed. It was too hot for a blanket, but he covered up with his sheet and tucked one arm behind his head.

  He lay in bed, his head buzzing, going over every mistake and bad decision he’d made in the past ten years. Maybe he should’ve taken Elijah up on the offer of a drink. Lost in his demons, he didn’t register that the basement door opened or clicked shut, but he did hear the footsteps padding downstairs. Assuming Adam had decided to take his turn with him, Riley closed his eyes and feigned sleep.

  Instead of the retreating footsteps he expected to hear, though, he felt the edge of the bed dip down. He cracked one eye open and was shocked to see Kollin squeezing into bed next to him. He lay on top of the sheet and wrestled with the blanket. Once he had the covers where he wanted, Kollin settled down, gently grabbed Riley’s hand, and laced their fingers together.

  “I wish I’d known,” he whispered. “I would’ve done something. I would’ve come to get you.”

  “Koll—”

  “Shh…,” Kollin hushed him. “Can we please do this in the morning? After sleep. And after food.”

  Riley squeezed Kollin’s hand and nodded. “Can I just say I’m sorry?”

  Kollin nodded and then nestled his head closer into Riley’s neck. “Me too.”

  Chapter 14

  WHEN RILEY woke the following morning, Kollin was no longer in bed. He grabbed the alarm clock that had magically appeared one weekend and pulled it in front of him. The bright red numbers read 10:07. He slammed the clock back down and rubbed his eyes, which were crusty from all the crying he’d done the night before. He also had a killer headache that felt too much like a hangover for his liking.

  No noise floated down the steps, which was strange. Saturday morning meant Saturday-morning brunch, which usually meant enough ruckus to wake the dead. He groaned as he sat up and tilted his head to the left and then the right to release the tension in his neck with a pop on each side. He got out of bed, brushed his teeth, and headed up the stairs. He paused at the top and listened for sounds coming from the kitchen, but he heard none, so he took the plunge and opened the door.

  Kollin sat at the kitchen table, a cup of coffee and his computer in front of him. A slow smile spread across his lips when he saw Riley, and he sat up a little straighter.

  “Morning.” Kollin’s voice was hoarse, and Riley wondered how long he’d been awake.

  “Hey.” Riley looked around the kitchen. “Where is everyone?”

  Kollin grabbed a slip of paper Riley hadn’t noticed and held it up. “Apparently no one felt like making brunch this morning, so the three of them went out. We’re to text them if we want them to bring us something back.”

  “Oh.” Riley scratched his head. “I thought missing Saturday brunch was like committing a felony.”

  Kollin slammed the paper back onto the table. “So did I. But don’t worry. They won’t come back until they hear from us. You know, to make sure we don’t go hungry.” Kollin rolled his eyes.

  “Wait.” Riley flopped down in a chair next to Kollin. “My brain isn’t working yet. They’re just giving us time alone?”

  “Looks like it.” Kollin pushed his chair back and got up to walk over to the coffee pot. “Just cream. Right?”

  “Uh, yeah. Thanks,” Riley said, but he felt a little dumb. He could’ve made his own coffee.

  Kollin set the coffee cup in front of Riley and nudged his knee as he sat down. “You’re welcome.”

  “I’m sorry your family felt like they had to run off on my account.”

  “Don’t be.” Kollin grinned. “Lizzie is probably eating this up. I can’t tell you how many times she’s begged for us to just go out for brunch. I think half the reason Adam and Eli insist on us fixing it ourselves is to annoy her.”

  “I don’t know if that’s brilliant or mean.”

  Kollin shrugged. “Both, probably. You want me to ask them to get us something to eat?”

  Riley shook his head. “I’ll just make some toast or something. Or it’s so late now, I’ll just find something for lunch.”

  Kollin closed his laptop. With his ankles and arms crossed, he offered Riley a sad smile. “I’m sorry I exploded on you like that last night.”

  Riley waved him off. “Don’t be. It’s—”

  “It’s not fine, Ri. My feelings were valid, but I should’ve told you in a civilized way. For that, I’m sorry.”

  Riley nodded. “Can we just call it even, and I forgive you?”

  “Yeah, but… can we get everything out, first?” Kollin ran a hand through his hair, tugged on the ends, and then leaned forward in his seat and jiggled his foot.

  Riley leaned forward and steadied Kollin’s knee. “Don’t be nervous. I’m not gonna run away. Promise.”

  Kollin’s eyes met his, and he grinned sheepishly. “Okay.” He sat back in his seat again. “Can we start from the quasi beginning?”

  “Sure.”

  “Why didn’t you call us for help? Even if I don’t agree with it, I think I understand why you cut off communication… at first. But why didn’t you call when you got in trouble? You know we would’ve been there in a heartbeat.”

  Riley shook his head. “There’s no way. I’d just gotten my top surgery, and every bit of confidence that came with my new look left after the first few guys rejected me because I didn’t have a dick. Tony, though, the first time we were together, he told me how hot it was that I looked like a man but still had a pussy. I hated that he called it that, by the way. I know I’m not huge, but in my mind, what I have down there is a dick. And I hated that he only thought I looked like a man. I am a man.”

  “Damn straight, you are,” Kollin said, and he grinned.

  Riley leaned farther forward. Now that he was telling Kollin everything, he wanted to be sure Kollin understood. “He was the first person who seemed to accept me just like I was. Not only did he accept me, but he was also turned on by me. I figured pussy was just a word, and I was reading way too much into everything he said. I mean, someone like me… I can’t be too picky. Right?” Riley shook his head and sat back. “But after a while, after enough of his comments, I started thinking I’d never be good enough for anyone else.

  “And you know, I’m still not sure he wanted to intentionally hurt me. You saw how clueless he was last night. He thought he was doing me a favor, bestowing me with the gift of his presence and lousy sex. And I believed it all, at the time. Even after I disappeared from his life, it took me a long time to understand that he slowly poisoned me—my thoughts, my emotions, even my body.”

  Kollin leaned forward and rested both of his hands on Riley’s knees. “Why didn’t you call me?”

  Riley shifted away. Kollin’s touch made everything harder to confess. “Don’t you see? I’d left you hanging in the wind. For all I knew, you hated me at that point. I couldn’t come crawling back as a bigger failure than I was when I left. Hell. If it hadn’t been for the perfect timing of this job and needing a second reference, I don’t know if I ever would’ve. Even after I pulled myself together, I never felt like I was good enough to make up for ditching you like that.”

  “Well, good thing we’ve already forgiven each other for that debacle.” Kollin’s tone held a hint of sarcasm to lighten the mood, and Riley had never been more grateful. They sat in silence for a while as Kollin apparently chewed over everything Riley had just said, and Riley gave him the time and peace to do so. After the night before, he’d learned his lesson. “You’re a drug addict?” Kollin suddenly asked.

  Riley winced but nodded. Thinking about his drug addiction made him feel weak and pathetic, but at the same time, if Greg hadn’t recognized the symptoms in Riley, he may’ve never pulled Riley away from Tony. If Riley had
stayed with Tony—and there was no doubt in his mind that he never would’ve had the guts to leave—Riley feared where his depression would’ve taken him.

  “At first he just offered me some pot, which, since I’m being honest, I still smoke from time to time if I don’t have to work for a few days. But never more than a few hits to relax, and I swear I haven’t touched it since I’ve been back in town.”

  Riley spared a glance at Kollin, who grinned and rolled his eyes. “If you think I haven’t smoked a little weed, you’re mistaken. It’s not my thing, but I don’t have anything against it.” Kollin laughed. “Well, aside from the fact that it’s illegal.”

  Riley smirked. “Minor detail. Well, it didn’t stop there. One night he gave me some pills. He said they would make me feel good all the time. And they did. I dunno, Koll. I’d rather not go into a lot of the details, but it grew from there. I didn’t mess much with acid, but I liked mushrooms when we could get them. Mostly, though, I was addicted to the pills. I functioned better on them than without them, after a while. But see, prescription meds are expensive on the street. When I couldn’t afford them, I was a real pain in the ass, and I started messing up at work.”

  “And that’s when Greg noticed?”

  Riley let out a long sigh. Fuck. Confessing his past sins was hard. “Sort of. I dropped a ton of weight pretty quickly. The pills… it’s hard to eat on them. I could go an entire weekend and eat nothing but a sub. Everything I ate made me sick to my stomach. And then, whenever Tony told me to stay home from work, I obeyed. Between the weight loss, my attitude, and the calling in, it raised a red flag with Greg.

  “He already knew my situation, and I’m lucky as hell he wanted to help me out, or who knows what would’ve happened to me. He pulled me aside one day, told me he knew how hard it was to go through everything I had to deal with, but that if I didn’t quit the drugs, he’d have to let me go. He reminded me of everything I’d been working for and what I had to lose. He should’ve fired me on the spot. Instead he stayed with me during the first few days. And when he found out about Tony, he got me a new phone and found me a new place to live.”

  “Ri….” Kollin grabbed Riley’s chair to pull them closer together. He wrapped his arms around Riley’s neck and bumped their foreheads together, which forced Riley to look at him. “Remind me to buy him a fuckawesome muffin basket. Okay?”

  Riley nodded.

  “I’m not even shitting you. The biggest one there is. With the fancy muffins that have the crumbly shit on top.”

  Riley laughed. “I don’t think he likes muffins.”

  Kollin’s mouth dropped open. “Who the hell doesn’t like muffins?”

  Riley shrugged, which was difficult, considering the way Kollin was wrapped around him.

  “You know I’m talking about muffins so I don’t think about what could’ve happened to you. Right?” Kollin’s voice broke. “Where you’d be right now if it weren’t for him?”

  Riley looked up at Kollin and saw the raw emotion shining through Kollin’s tears. “I’m sorry, Koll.”

  Kollin shook his head and sat back in his chair again, but he left their legs tangled together. “I’ll shut up about the damn muffins now. Finish your story…. Greg stayed with you and got you sober.”

  “Oh God.” Riley buried his head in his hands. “It’s the worst feeling in the world, coming off those things. Your entire body aches. Your mind tells you that you can’t function without them, that you need them. And every second is consumed with the thought that if you just eat one more pill, it’ll all go away. Your mind lies to you and tells you it’ll be easier the next time if you just take one now, and you hurt so much….”

  Kollin growled. “Two baskets. Two huge baskets. Of beer. Does he like beer?”

  Riley grinned and looked up from his hands. “Yeah. He likes beer.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m an idiot.” Kollin pulled at his hair. “I wanted to hear all of this, and now I don’t know what to say.”

  “Don’t say anything.” Riley clutched Kollin’s knee between his own and squeezed. “You were right. You’re my best friend, and I needed you to know. I might’ve told you sooner if we hadn’t started dating. Maybe.” Riley shook his head. “Probably not. Seeing Tony was never on my to-do list, ever again, so I didn’t think it was a big deal.”

  “So you have no idea how he took the breakup, for lack of a better word?”

  Riley shook his head. “I basically ghosted him. Something I should probably be ashamed of, but after everything he did to me, I’m not. For all I know, he’s still dating that girl.”

  Silence filled the kitchen while Kollin processed again. Finally he met Riley’s eyes. “You know this doesn’t change how I feel about you?”

  Riley sucked in a long, slow breath and then let it out just as slowly. “I do now.”

  Kollin grinned. “Good. Now we just have to figure out how to move forward. I mean”—Kollin’s face fell—“do you still want to move forward with me?”

  “Yes,” Riley said immediately. “You’re nothing like Tony, and I know that. Clearly I have some self-esteem damage from him. Although to be fair, I’ve nearly always had that, thanks to my dysmorphia. But you’ve never once hidden me, and when we’re together, you make sure to take care of me… you know, physically.”

  Kollin waggled his eyes. “Yeah I do.” He grabbed Riley’s hand. “I realize this is none of my business, so feel free to tell me to fuck off, but does Dr. Maggie know about all this?”

  Riley slouched into the seat. “Yes. It’s why she wants me to hold off on bottom surgery. She doesn’t think I’ve dealt with my residual anger properly. She wants me emotionally healthy before surgery, instead of relying on the surgery to fix my issues for me.” Midway through Riley’s speech, he’d pitched his voice to mimic Dr. Maggie’s. He appreciated everything she was doing for him, for free no less, but it was hard not to hold a little resentment toward her for slowing up his plans—even if she did have a valid point.

  “So….” Kollin paused and wiggled the skin on Riley’s fourth knuckle while he thought. “Should we hold off doing anything physical until after your surgery?”

  “Oh God. Please no.” Riley shook his head vehemently. “I mean, if you don’t mind what I have now, we don’t have to wait. Maggie actually suggested that since I’m with someone I trust, taking our relationship a step or two further might help, since I’ve never orgasmed with anyone else.”

  “Wait. What?” Kollin’s eyes widened. “You’ve never had an orgasm?”

  Riley jerked his hand back and buried his head again. “Not with a guy. Although I guess I did that time with you, but it wasn’t technically sex, since all of our clothes were on.”

  “So she wants me to see how you like it?” Kollin’s voice pitched high, and he bounced his foot up and down again.

  “No. I mean, she didn’t exactly say it like that.” Riley backpedaled. “I told her how worried I am about taking my clothes off in front of you. She said I should trust you to be honest and kind about my body the same way I trust you to be honest and kind about any other aspect of my life. And—” Riley stopped. Judging by the tone of Kollin’s voice, that moment didn’t seem like the best time to admit everything he and Dr. Maggie had talked about. “Well, anyway. I might’ve extrapolated a bit. We talk about a lot of stuff. Sometimes it blends together.”

  “Wait.” Kollin held up his hand. “What were you going to say just now? You started and then stopped.”

  Riley winced. “Nothing. It was nothing.”

  “Are you sure? We just established that the more I know, the more I can help. I mean, hell. For weeks I’ve been swimming in a shark tank with a mangled, bloody leg and the lights off, except I had no idea, Ri.”

  Riley huffed. “Fine. But don’t blame me if you hear more than you want to.”

  Kollin held up two fingers. “Scout’s honor.”

  “Yeah right. They never would’ve let you in Scouts. Girl Scouts, maybe.”
<
br />   Kollin shrugged. “I’d’ve rocked the Brownie skirt with pride.”

  “You probably would have.”

  Kollin nudged his knee. “Stop stalling. Lay it on me.”

  Riley took a deep breath. “There are lots of different ways to get bottom surgery. I’ve never been willing to disfigure myself to get a penis, so that’s one option gone, but that still leaves me with some decisions to make. If I want a hysterectomy, if I want to close up the vagina completely, if I want testicle implants. I don’t have to do it all at once, but some of them can be done together. Maggie didn’t tell me to, but she suggested that since I’m in a trusting and committed relationship, and that if we were both on board for taking that step, that maybe having vaginal intercourse before I made a decision one way or another wouldn’t be the worst idea in the world.”

  Riley peeked up at Kollin, who looked somewhat dumbfounded. “That’s a lot of, that’s a lot of… something right there.”

  “You’re freaking out.”

  Kollin shook his head. “Nope. No. I’m not. I’m just thinking. What if I’m horrible, and you make the wrong decision, and it’s all my fault?”

  Riley stared at Kollin. “How will I know you’re horrible? Or that I’ve made the wrong decision?”

  Kollin glared right back. “Not the point, Ri.”

  “Well, it’s obviously up to you.” Riley fiddled with the bracelet on his wrist. “We haven’t even really talked about sex, at all, so I don’t know if you like to top or bottom. If you do top, you might not even be willing to do it in my vagina, which would be totally understandable, of course.”

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa.” Kollin held up his hands. “We’re doing this now? I figured we’d just go for third base or something and work our way up.”

  Riley shrugged. “We’re already uncomfortable now. Might as well get it over with.”

  Kollin sighed. He looked more uncomfortable than Riley felt. “I’m not… so sure… that I feel comfortable being a deciding factor in what parts you do and don’t keep.” Riley opened his mouth, but Kollin cut him off and continued. “Reason being, my decision, my desire, to be with you is not dependent on what you look like down there. And even though I adore you and I can see this going white-picket-fence amazing, we’ve only been dating a few weeks. And for a big chunk of that time, you were actively trying to avoid touching me. Last night, when I called you my boyfriend, I was terrified you would rabbit away on the spot.” Kollin sighed. “I’m so fucking glad we’re having this conversation, and I’m not saying no, but I think it’ll be better for both of us if we table the rest of this discussion for now. Can we do that?”