Reclaiming Hope

by Shell Taylor

  A few of the men nodded, unperturbed by Riley’s speech, and went back to work. But Jenson wasn’t going to let it go so easily. “Wasn’t being rude, boss. Just speaking the truth. Maybe you should keep your private matters indoors.”

  If not for the derision in his voice, the rest of Riley’s crew might have blown off Jenson’s comment. Clearly homophobic, Jenson teetered on the line of disrespect without using the specific words that would automatically get him fired.

  “I don’t ask who you’re dating on the weekend, Jenson, so I don’t see how it’s any of your business who I spend mine with.” Riley looked around the room. The men seemed to have caught on that it was more than a misunderstanding or a lame attempt at a joke. “If anyone has a problem with me, you can take it up with me after five. Until then, we have a job to finish.”

  Greg cleared his throat. His quiet presence was formidable, and Kollin felt a rush of gratitude that he had Ri’s back. “Or better yet, you can take it up with me. I’ll even be happy to send you packing now.”

  A mumbling of “yes, sirs” went around the room, and Riley nodded at Greg. “I’ll be back in a few minutes,” he said and walked out. He kept walking when he got to Kollin until they were out of sight on the other side of the building.

  Riley put his back against the wall, slid down to the ground, and buried his face in his knees. Kollin kneeled before him but didn’t lay a hand on him. He was so proud of Riley he thought he would burst, but first he needed to make sure Riley wasn’t about to have some kind of panic attack.

  “Are you okay?”

  Riley left his head buried but shook it. “Am I still alive? Did that just happen?”

  “Damn skippy it just happened,” Kollin said, unable to hide the glee in his voice. “You were amazing. Oh my God. You’ve got to use that voice in bed. Where did you learn to do that?” He pitched his voice low to mimic Riley. “‘You can take it up with me after five’…. Get on your knees and give me a blow job. Gah.”

  Riley raised his head, and a weary smile graced his face. “You have a one track mind. I just outed myself to the whole crew, and you’re thinking about sex?”

  Kollin’s grin grew bigger, and even though they were both half sitting on the ground, he still somehow managed to tackle hug Riley. “I’m so damn proud of you, Ri.”

  “Thank you.” Riley’s words were muffled by Kollin’s arm, so Kollin let go. “I may not be able to walk back in there ever again, but it felt good.”

  “Don’t be silly. That Jenson guy’s a douche, but everyone else seemed okay. You must be a damn good boss, because it’s obvious how much those guys respect you. Fuck, Ri. That was incredible. Who knows how many people you influenced just now by standing up for us. This is huge.”

  Riley shook his head. “I don’t think it’s that big of a deal.”

  “It is, though,” Kollin insisted. “Just a few months ago, you didn’t even want to give me a bro hug in front of them. And we weren’t even dating. And who knows how many of them will think twice before making judgments on someone in the LGBT community now. All because of you.”

  Riley laughed. “Don’t get ahead of yourself. It’s not like I’m going to tell them I’m trans.”

  Kollin shrugged. “Doesn’t matter. That’s none of their business, anyway.”

  “Yeah?” Riley peeked at Kollin. “Doesn’t make me a wimp for not telling them?”

  “Of course not. Your job is to live your life as authentically as possible. That doesn’t mean you have to be an advocate for the entire community, just because you’re trans.”

  Riley nodded. “That sounds better than me being scared shitless to tell people.”

  “Hey.” Kollin grabbed Riley’s hand. “If you ever get to the point where you want to be an advocate, I’ll be there. But honestly it’s no one’s business but yours and who you share a bed with. And since that’s me, you’re covered there. You’re a man, Riley. Whether cis or trans doesn’t matter.”

  “Thank you,” Riley said softly. They sat in silence for a few moments, and Riley looked at Kollin again. “Why’re you here, anyway? Is everything okay?”

  “Oh shit,” Kollin gasped. “Your Frosty. I bet it’s all melted now.”

  Riley grinned. “You bought me a Frosty? I love Frosties.”

  “I’m aware.” Kollin stood up. “Do you also love really cold chocolate milk? Because that’s probably all I can offer you right now.”

  Riley hoisted himself off the ground. “After all of that, I’ll take all the chocolate I can get.”

  Kollin grabbed Riley’s hand and leaned in to gently graze his lips across Riley’s cheek. With a light squeeze, he dropped Riley’s hand and headed back to the car. He wasn’t stupid enough to think Riley would want to flaunt their relationship just because he’d come out.

  “I’m afraid I have some bad news to go along with your ice cream.” Kollin filled Riley in as quickly as he could on the walk back to his car. Riley understood and was appropriately sympathetic. With a little subtle suggestion on Kollin’s part, Riley even mentioned spending some time with his mom and dad during the week.

  They parted with an awkward wave to one another, but Kollin pulled out of the parking lot feeling considerably lighter than he had when he pulled in. Maybe Mondays weren’t so bad, after all.

  Chapter 21

  “OH MAN. I forgot how good these are.” Riley grabbed another grilled cheese fry off the plate his mom had placed in front of him.

  “Well, eat up. I made plenty. And when your father gets home, we’ll have chicken and dumplings. Do you still like them?” Lorraine asked.

  “’Course I do, Mom.” Riley took a bite of the gooey, cheesy fry and moaned. “You didn’t have to go to all this trouble, though.”

  She waved him off. “I wanted you to have your favorites. I know it’s not exactly a well-balanced meal, but I couldn’t help myself.”

  Though Lorraine smiled every time she looked back at him, she still sounded as if she might break down in tears at any moment. Riley totally got the conflicting emotions, but he didn’t know how to fix it. Kollin was probably right. Only time and consistency would move his family out of their awkward phase.

  “Thanks. I really appreciate it.”

  “Anytime,” she said and returned to her dumpling dough.

  Riley ate a few more of the fries and pondered whether he should tell her about the new bedding still in the trunk of Kollin’s car. Living between a hotel and Kollin’s house left him with very little storage space, especially since he didn’t have a car of his own. He hated relying on everyone else to get around, but he didn’t have any other choice. Once he finally had bottom surgery, he could focus on saving for a car. He could move forward in life without the stress of transitioning attached to every decision he made.

  God. He couldn’t wait.

  “Hey, Mom,” he said, still partially unable to believe what he was about to do. “I thought about your offer—to live here.”

  “Oh?” His mom’s voice sounded shaky, filled with anticipation and trepidation.

  “I bought a new bedspread the other day. And some sheets.”

  Lorraine spun around and flung flour all over the floor. Hope shone in her eyes. “That’s wonderful,” she said, clearly trying to stifle her excitement.

  “I’m still going to be at the hotel during the week. We’ll actually be packing up soon. The job’s almost done. But I thought I could stay here at least one weekend before I go back. See how it goes.” Riley flipped one of his cheese fries over and over. “I’ve gotten used to living on my own and not answering to anyone. I don’t want to come home and ruin our relationship before we even fix it because I’m suddenly expected to follow a curfew or something.”

  Lorraine dusted off her hands and came to sit at the table with Riley. She grabbed Riley’s hand in both of hers. “I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells with you because I don’t want to upset you and have you disappear again. But please know that you comi
ng home and not having a curfew is going to be the very easiest change for your father and me to deal with.”

  Riley burst out laughing and his mom smiled.

  “I missed you.” Riley’s confession tumbled out easily.

  “We missed you too. So much.” She squeezed his hand and went back to her dumplings. “I meant what I said. I’m working on this whole transition thing, but you might have to be patient with us. I went online yesterday and watched I don’t know how many videos about all of the ways I can accidentally insult you. Seems to me after everything someone like you has been through, you shouldn’t be so sensitive, but what do I know?”

  Riley grinned and shook his head. Of course she researched it—and still somehow managed to be a little insulting in her delivery. He couldn’t deny she was trying, though, and some of the doubt he harbored fell away. “How about we make a pact? You keep making me grilled cheese fries, and I’ll tell you whenever you insult me.”

  Lorraine laughed and peeked over her shoulder at Riley. “You know, when I look at you or hear you talking, it’s very obvious to me that you’re a man now. But when I think about you, I still see my little girl.” She turned her back to Riley again. “I don’t want to erase my little girl from my memories, but I do want to get to know my son. I’m bound to mess up sometimes.”

  Riley choked up and wondered how many tears he’d shed before he was finally in a good place with his parents again. “I can live with that.” They sat in silence for a few minutes, until Riley pushed his chair back. He went to his mom and wrapped his arms around her shoulders from behind. “For the record, I never meant for you to forget who you raised. I’m sorry if I made it sound that way.”

  Lorraine clutched his arms and nodded. “We might just make this work, then.”

  Riley sat back down at the table, and his mom popped the dumplings into a big pot. “Your father should be home any minute. He’s looking forward to dinner tonight as well. Don’t let his gruffness fool you.”

  Riley huffed. While his mom had visibly made an effort to welcome Riley back into the home, his dad seemed a bit more reticent. After everything he’d put his parents through, Riley figured his dad deserved some time and space to wrap his head around everything.

  “He just doesn’t know how to talk to you anymore,” Lorraine continued. “I think he always wanted a son, but we couldn’t have any more children after you, and he was resigned to only having a daughter. Don’t get me wrong. He adored you, but you know how he is, so into hunting and fishing. He wanted to do all of that bonding stuff with a boy.”

  Riley tore a fry into little pieces and tried not to sulk. “He could’ve done it with me.”

  “Oh, he knew that, but you never showed any interest, and they’re such manly things in his eyes.” Lorraine shrugged. “He has a son now, but it’s not what he expected, and like I said before, in so many ways, to us you’re still our little girl. Just give him time.”

  His mom had always rambled when she became nervous, and apparently the subject of his dad had her on edge. Riley couldn’t help but be glad for the fact. His dad had never been much of a talker—more of an enforcer than anything else. He worked hard, though, and Riley had never once doubted his dad loved him. Well, not until the end, anyway.

  “We’ll figure it out somehow.” He hoped.

  Lorraine smiled over her shoulder. “Tell me about this Kollin. I remember you used to talk about him all the time, but I thought you were just friends.”

  Riley smiled. “We were. He was my best friend. He was the first person who accepted me like this, even when I looked like a girl. I mean, his dad runs the center I used to sneak away to, and he’s great too. But Kollin was the first kid my age.”

  “You used to sneak away to a center? What kind of center?”

  “Oh, boy.” Riley sighed. “I guess we have a lot to catch up on. I forget how much I used to hide from you.” Riley filled his mom in on HOPE and the time he used to spend there.

  Clearly shocked, she shook her head. “Maybe if we’d known how much time you were spending there, we’d have taken your request more seriously.” She sighed. “Or maybe we wouldn’t have. I remember thinking you were way too young to make a decision like that, but I watched a YouTube video yesterday about a five-year-old boy who was transitioning. Can you believe that? Just five years old.”

  Riley nodded. “I think I knew around that age that something wasn’t right. If I’d had a better grasp on gender, I might’ve understood. But by the time I really figured it out, I also knew it was shameful to not act like a girl.” Riley shrugged. “Everyone’s different, I guess.”

  “I guess,” Lorraine echoed and poked at the dumplings in the pot. “You and Kollin started dating just recently, then?”

  “Yep. After we ran into each other again, he eventually asked me out.”

  “He already knew that you’re gay? Is that the right word?”

  Riley laughed. “Yeah, Mom. Gay is the right word. And yes, he knew. We used to talk about boys together all the time.”

  “Yes, I remember when you used to talk about different boys you had a crush on. Another reason we assumed you were being foolish about being a boy.” Lorraine frowned.

  Riley again resisted the urge to apologize. “I know it’s confusing.”

  She waved her hand around, seeming to dismiss her own comment, and lightened her tone. “All that time Kollin had a crush on you, then?”

  Riley squirmed in his seat. He hadn’t told his mom much of what had gone on during his time in Boone, and he wanted to avoid it, if at all possible. Riley firmly believed the knowledge would bring her nothing but turmoil, and there was no reason for her to know. He needed to handle the situation delicately.

  “Not really.” Riley cleared his throat. “At first I thought he felt bad for me. He knew I wasn’t exactly lucky in the love department, given I’m trans. I thought he wanted to prove to me that someone would want me. We had a great first date, though, and it seemed pretty obvious we were into each other. It just grew from there.”

  “That’s lovely. He sounds like a lovely boy. We’ll have to have him over again sometime…. I mean, if that’s something you would like.”

  “Sure. I think you’ll like him a lot.” Riley shifted again. “I know springing the whole gay thing on you on top of the trans thing is a bit of a shock, but if it’s any solace, you couldn’t put in an order for the perfect woman and have her turn out any better for me than Kollin is. He’s been through a lot too and come out of it stronger and more compassionate.”

  “Hmm…,” his mom said as she grabbed some bowls out of the cabinet to set the table. “Sounds like maybe you’re in love with him.”

  “What?” Riley asked. He didn’t know why his mom’s observation surprised him. Of course he loved Kollin. He always had. Their conversation about having “big feelings” for one another left little to no doubt in his mind that they were tiptoeing around the L word. Hearing his mom say it after they’d spent all of three hours together in the past five years was shocking.

  “I’m sorry. I guess I’m jumping ahead of myself. You’ve only been dating a few months. You just speak so highly of him.”

  “It’s okay. I guess it’s probably true,” Riley admitted. “I just hadn’t thought of it in those terms before.”

  “It must feel different when you’ve been friends for so long, especially if you were as close as you say.”

  “Exactly,” Riley said. He wanted to delve into Kollin further with his mom, but the front door opened and interrupted them.

  “Oh. There’s your father,” Lorraine said, somewhat unnecessarily, and then raised her voice. “We’re in here. Riley’s been having a little snack while the dumplings cook.”

  “Hey there, Riley,” Bob said as he dumped his stuff in the hall closet. “I didn’t realize you were here already.”

  “My boss dropped me off.” Riley didn’t know how that explained why he’d arrived thirty minutes before he’d said he woul
d, but it was all he could think to say.

  Seemed good enough for his dad, who nodded. “I’m going to run upstairs and wash up. I’ll be back in just a minute. Dinner smells good, hon,” he tacked on as he trudged up the steps.

  Riley let out a long sigh. That hadn’t gone badly, per se, but the easy camaraderie he had with his mom was noticeably absent once his dad entered the room.

  “You’re both making this whole thing more difficult than it needs to be,” Lorraine said quietly.

  Riley scoffed. “You weren’t nervous earlier? With all your fluttering and fixing me an appetizer and ‘Oh’ when I mentioned buying new sheets?”

  Lorraine pursed her lips and threw Riley an epic mom glare. “At least my nervous energy diffused the situation. You two make everything worse.”

  “Well, what am I supposed to do?”

  “Talk to him the same way you do me,” she urged.

  Riley shook his head. “Dad doesn’t want to hear that I’m in love with a man or about how I snuck off to hang out with the queer kids at HOPE.”

  Lorraine tilted her head to the side, as if agreeing with him. “He’s trying, Riley. You said yourself that’s what’s important. Why don’t you tell him about your job?”

  Footsteps thumped downstairs, and Riley waved his hands around to shush his mom. He didn’t necessarily think it was his duty to reach out to his dad first, but he was well aware that life would be easier for all of them the sooner they got past the awkward hump.

  Bob came back into the kitchen having changed into a T-shirt and sweats, and the sight made Riley smile. That had always been the first thing his dad did after work. In fact he usually skipped the sweats and just wore a T-shirt and boxers, but Riley supposed he’d donned additional clothes for his benefit. A twinge of regret struck his heart, but at the same time, he was grateful he didn’t have to sit around with his father in his underwear.