Reclaiming Hope

by Shell Taylor

  His dad gave his mom a quick kiss on the cheek and went about fixing the drinks for everyone. Within minutes they were all eating Riley’s absolute favorite food in the world.

  “The chicken and dumplings are delicious, Mom,” Riley said as he fixed himself a second bowl. “I really appreciate you making them for me.”

  “You’re welcome. I’m just glad you still like them.”

  “It’s not like having a sex change makes you like different foods, Lorraine,” Bob quipped. Riley nearly spit his mouthful out but caught himself in time and was able to swallow instead.

  “No need to be crass.” Lorraine ignored his sarcasm as she always had. “I don’t know what he’s been eating. Maybe his tastes have changed.”

  Riley smiled. He was warmed by his mom’s easy use of male pronouns.

  His dad grunted. “So… you’re working construction. Do you like it?”

  Lorraine’s eyes lit up, and she nodded at Riley to encourage him to open up. “I do. I like working with my hands and being outdoors a lot. The physical labor is good for me. Keeps me grounded. After I’d been doing it awhile, I realized I had knack for it. My boss went out on a limb for me to promote me for this job here, so I’ve been busting my ass trying to prove myself, and it seems to be going well. If nothing else the crew at least pretends to respect me. And we’re going to finish a week ahead of schedule, so the uppity-ups are happy.”

  “At least something good came out of all of this, then.”

  “Bob,” Lorraine admonished.

  Riley shrank into his seat as his dad stirred his chicken and dumplings and then threw down his spoon.

  “What do you want me to say, Lorraine? Riley let us think shhh—he was dead for years, and then he expects us to be excited and welcome her back, no questions asked. And heaven forbid we have an issue with any of the changes she’s made because then we’d just lose her again.”

  “I don’t think now is the time to get into this.” Lorraine stood and grabbed her bowl and Bob’s, even though neither of them had finished eating.

  “Why the hell not?” Bob wasn’t shouting exactly, but he certainly wasn’t making an effort to keep his voice down either. “When is it going to be a good time? Because the last thing I want to do is get to know Riley again and then express my disappointment in how”—Bob waved his hand toward Riley—“he worried us and then lose him again. I have every right to be angry about this.”

  “Dad—”

  But his dad wouldn’t let him talk. “I’m sorry. Okay, Riley? I wish I was as good of a person as your mother is, but I’m not. I can’t forgive you as easily as she has. For years I watched her cry and struggle and worry and wonder where we went wrong. And don’t think it was a picnic for me either. I went through everything she did, but I would’ve taken on ten times the pain I felt if it meant she didn’t have to go through that. And now we have to tiptoe around and hope you decide we’re worthy of your presence.”

  Riley thought his heart might rip in two. He hated the thought of causing his parents so much pain over the years.

  “Don’t you dare blame your anger toward him on me,” Lorraine shrieked.

  “How can I not?” Bob shouted back.

  “I don’t understand where this is coming from.” Tears fell from Lorraine’s eyes, and Riley scooted his chair back and stood. “You said you wanted him back in our lives.”

  “Don’t you dare walk out on us again,” Bob said, pointing his finger at Riley as he started to rise from his seat. “You want me to take you seriously, to believe in you? You want to be an adult and show me how far you’ve come on your own, while you were away? Then you sit here and be a man and deal with the mess you helped create.”

  Riley obediently sat back down in his seat, and no one spoke for a while. Lorraine remained at the sink with her back toward both of them, presumably to gather herself. Eventually Bob placed his hands on the table and looked at Riley.

  “I missed you,” he began. “More than I knew possible. When we realized you weren’t coming home and then that you were missing… I can’t begin to explain the terror that we experienced. I wanted to paste your picture on milk cartons, for God’s sake. I hope you never have to live through something like that.

  “Your mom—she can let those things go. She doesn’t want to make you feel bad. But I am so angry with you for doing that to us. I want to lock you in your room and ground you until you’re thirty-five, and I still worry that won’t be enough time with you. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

  Riley stared at his dad. He thought he might. In a roundabout way, his dad was telling him he loved him. Riley nodded slowly.

  “Your mom is right. I do want you back in our lives, but you created a shit storm when you left, and you’re going to have to deal with it and prove to me you’re not going to run away again. Which means sometimes I’m going to be angry and sarcastic. You laid down your rule the other night, and this one is mine. As long as we’re in agreement there, I will accept the new you and try my best to call you all the right names.”

  Riley nodded again. “Yes, sir,” he said, his voice hoarse.

  “Good.” Bob waved his hand at Lorraine. “Now can I please have my bowl back? I wasn’t finished eating.”

  Riley scooted his chair back to the table and picked up his spoon. His gurgling stomach insisted it didn’t want more food, but he didn’t know what else to do with himself. His mom returned to the table with both bowls, they finished dinner in silence, and Riley did his best not to break down into tears. Everything his dad had just told him hit hard. Life had sucked after he left college, but he’d spent all of that time thinking his parents didn’t want anything to do with him. And the immense relief of finding out that wasn’t the case after their reunion had blocked out the possibility of his parents’ pain.

  Still he couldn’t help but welcome his dad’s outburst. Similar to when Joe spilled the beans about Kollin, at least Riley knew the truth. He knew how his father felt and what they had to overcome. The five minutes of shouting and ensuing awkward dinner was worth the peace of knowing where he stood.

  All that was left to do was to start picking up the pieces. That, Riley thought, was definitely doable.

  Chapter 22

  THE REST of the week passed before Riley got to see Kollin, since he’d been so busy with school. They barely even spoke for a few minutes each day before Kollin had to beg off the phone to finish his work. Even without seeing Kollin, Riley’s week had been pretty awesome. Jenson, the asshole who called him out on site, hadn’t shown up to work on Tuesday or any day after.

  Riley didn’t know if he quit or if Greg fired him, and he had no desire to ask. He was just glad to be rid of him. No one else on the crew brought up Riley’s personal life, and everyone treated him the same as they had before. Riley didn’t give a damn whether the men truly accepted him or were keeping their opinions to themselves to keep a job. He didn’t need their, or anyone else’s, acceptance anymore. It was one of the most liberating feelings Riley had ever experienced.

  The sun had already set by the time Kollin clomped downstairs and collapsed into bed with Riley. Kollin looked so tired, Riley wondered if he should just turn off the lights and wait until the following morning to finally catch up.

  But then Kollin smiled and tucked his arm through Riley’s. “Tell me all about dinner with your mom and dad. And no more of that ‘it was fine’ shit. I want details.”

  Riley blew out a long breath. “You sure you’re up for it? You look pretty beat.”

  “I am, but I want to know. So spill.”

  Riley filled Kollin in on how easy things had been between him and his mom, even though they’d both been nervous. That they’d fallen into a relaxed give-and-take conversation, and she seemed genuinely interested in his life. He even told Kollin she’d researched transgender issues. Kollin listened with a huge smile on his face the entire time.

  “I knew it.” Kollin leaned in and kissed Riley. “I’m so
damn happy for you. That’s amazing.”

  Riley smiled softly and nodded. “But then my dad came home.”

  Kollin’s smile faded. “And…?”

  “He was okay. Mom said he would make an effort, but he was mostly sarcastic. And then he just lost it. He told me how much I worried them and that I didn’t get to just come back like I’d done nothing wrong. And that if they had to accept me like this, I had to accept that he was still pissed off at me for leaving.”

  Kollin winced. “What’d you say?”

  “I said, ‘Yes, sir.’ I’m not an idiot.”

  Kollin chuckled, but his eyes looked sad.

  Riley untangled his arm from Kollin and rested his hand against Kollin’s cheek. “All this time I’ve been back, I’ve been so selfish, only thinking about me.”

  “That’s not true.” Kollin dragged his thumb up and down the bare skin of Riley’s back. “We’ve come a long way, and that wouldn’t have happened if you were being selfish.”

  Riley took a deep breath. He’d been wondering whether to approach Kollin about everything Joe had told him that day at the park or if he should just pretend the conversation had never happened. Avoidance was the easiest route to take, but Riley knew that doing whatever was easiest rarely meant getting the best of something. “When I had that talk with Joe, he told me some stuff about the time I was gone.”

  “Oh yeah?” Kollin clutched Riley’s wrist and dragged his hand down to his chest. “He wasn’t even here most of that time. How does he know?”

  “Apparently people talk.”

  Kollin gasped. “Gossip? At the center? Never.”

  “Yes. Shocking, I know. Now stop distracting me.” Kollin nodded obediently. “He told me how hard you took it when I stopped calling. I know you told me before, but you forgave me so easily. We slipped right back into our old roles so quickly, it didn’t sound as bad. Hearing it from someone else…. I dunno. It was different. Made it more real. Harsher. And then, when my dad was going off, all I felt was shame. I’m so sorry I did that to you.”

  “I wanted you back in my life, Ri. I was just being selfish too.” Kollin sighed. “I wish I’d handled things differently, now. If I’d been honest, up front, it would’ve been easier for me to trust you. But after the way you stood up to your coworkers the other day and hearing how you accepted your dad’s anger, I’m there. Like you said, maybe we won’t work out, but if we don’t, I trust it’s not going to be because you decided to give up and bail.”

  “I’m not. I promise. I’m all in.”

  Kollin grinned. “I know.”

  Riley pulled Kollin in to kiss him slowly, and Kollin surprised him by rolling on top of him.

  “You know what else I know?” Kollin said against Riley’s lips between kisses.

  Riley slid his hands into Kollin’s back pockets. “What’s that?”

  “I’m so fucking tired of waiting to be with you.” Kollin jutted his hips forward, pressed his hard cock against Riley’s crotch, and made it impossible to mistake what he wanted.

  Riley’s heart fluttered. He’d half hoped Kollin would hurry up and initiate something between them, just to get it over with, and he half hoped he’d forgotten their discussion about taking the next step. But the anxiety was gone. His nerves didn’t stem from fear of Kollin’s rejecting him, but rather from excitement to finally move forward, to drop the baggage he’d been hauling around since Tony and trust Kollin to care for him.

  “I have condoms,” Riley blurted out, which made Kollin pull away and offer his lopsided grin.

  “Good to know. I do too.”

  “I mean, I’m clean. I got tested and everything, and I don’t have a period anymore, but there’s been a couple of one-offs where trans guys got pregnant, and, well….” Riley forced himself to stop rambling. Why hadn’t they had that conversation before the moment? He was nervous.

  “Hey. It’s no big deal.” Kollin’s voice, soft with a lilt of amusement, soothed Riley’s suddenly frazzled nerves. “I figured we’d use condoms for a while, anyway.”

  Seemingly cool as a cucumber, Kollin leaned in to pick up their kiss while deftly sliding Riley’s shirt up. He dragged his mouth down to Riley’s chest, as always spending time kissing each scar. He’d told Kollin before that there wasn’t much—if any—feeling along his scars, but Kollin did it anyway. The gesture meant more to Riley than he was willing to admit.

  Riley tugged Kollin’s shirt off too, and while he was at it, Kollin shoved his jeans off and wiggled out of his briefs. Rather than strip Riley, he returned to lavishing kisses on Riley’s stomach. Riley rested his hands in Kollin’s hair and savored the feeling of adoration. After all of his one-night stands and everything with Tony, Riley vowed to never take Kollin’s affection for granted.

  As Kollin moved his mouth lower, he fiddled with the buttons on Riley’s pants and shoved them off a little at a time. His nose ghosted over the hairs in Riley’s happy trail, and Riley sucked his stomach in and forced himself to remain calm and trust Kollin.

  Kollin grazed his thumb over Riley’s stiff cock, and his nose nuzzled into the crease of Riley’s groin. Without warning, Kollin sucked Riley’s dick into his mouth and swirled his tongue around. Riley gripped the sheets beneath him as electricity jolted through his entire body, making him forget to be self-conscious that another man had his mouth on him. After a few passes, Kollin looked up at Riley and grinned.

  “Was that okay?”

  Riley squeezed his eyes shut and tried to fight off embarrassment. “I don’t know if talking is the best idea for me right now.”

  Kollin kissed up Riley’s chest and slid his finger in Riley’s slippery vagina. “Holy fuck, that’s wet,” Kollin mumbled. Cold air washed over Riley as Kollin flopped over the side of the bed and fumbled around. He popped up a moment later holding a condom between two fingers.

  “Lookee, lookee.” He grinned and ripped it open with his teeth, then fisted his cock a few times and deftly slid the condom on.

  Riley reached out for Kollin and tugged him close. “Are you as nervous about this as I am?”

  Kollin’s smile was lopsided. “Probably more. You’ve done this before.”

  Riley clutched him closer. “Not really. Not like this.”

  “It’s gonna be good. I promise.” Kollin reached between them and rubbed his tip around Riley’s wet opening. “Ready?”

  Riley looked into Kollin’s eyes. He knew the moment was huge, for both of them. He tugged Kollin’s hips forward. His heart raced as Kollin breached him and slid in with ease. Kollin had barely started moving inside him, and already it felt different from being with Tony. Rather than pain, Riley felt a gentle roll of pleasure. In place of shame, Riley felt excitement. Instead of counting down the seconds until it was over, Riley wished Kollin would never stop.

  Kollin’s body felt heavy pressed on top of his, keeping him anchored to the moment rather than letting his mind wander into dangerous territory. Kollin’s quiet panting, dotted with an occasional moan or “oh God” right in Riley’s ear, was a constant reminder of how much Kollin wanted him.

  Kollin grunted and then rested his forehead on Riley’s chest so he could watch himself move in and out of Riley. “You feel amazing, Ri. It’s different but… fuck… so good.”

  Riley couldn’t think of a response. Half his brain was mush, and the half that worked could think of nothing but pledging his never-ending love for Kollin. But it didn’t seem to be the best time for such declarations.

  Kollin sat up and anchored Riley’s shoulders to the bed as his thrusts picked up force. “Grab yourself,” he said between pants.

  Riley obeyed, self-conscious for only a moment before the overwhelming pleasure of being filled and fondled threw his inhibitions out the window. Spasms wracked his body. “Oh fuck,” he moaned, speeding up his hand as he chased the flutters that shot up and down his legs. “Oh fuck, fuck, fuck.”

  “That’s it,” Kollin breathed. He shifted and sped up his thrusts t
o match Riley’s hand. The flutters warped into full out spasms, and Riley curled into himself. Kollin batted his hand away and took over rubbing his cock as he pushed into Riley. “Can you get there? Please.”

  Riley lost it. He screamed out, his body convulsing as the waves of pleasure surged through him to center on his groin, making him clench around Kollin’s cock.

  “Oh God,” Kollin moaned. His thrusts became jerky and he buried himself into Riley’s chest and clutched him close as he rode out his orgasm and finally collapsed on top of him.

  They lay in silence for a few minutes as Kollin sucked in great heaps of air, until Riley finally let out a long breath. “That went well.”

  Kollin laughed. “I’m glad you think so.”

  “I wasn’t even that nervous. Not after the condom thing anyway.”

  Kollin laughed and nuzzled into Riley’s chest. “Liar. But I’m glad it went well. All I want to do is sleep, but I feel like we should talk. That was kind of a big deal. Did I do everything okay? You didn’t have to fake anything?”

  Riley laughed. “No faking involved.” Some of his nerves returned, but he ignored them. “What about you? You weren’t… grossed out or anything, were you?”

  Kollin rolled off Riley to dispose of his condom, but he snuggled right back up to Riley when he was finished. “I think we can safely assume that no part of you grosses me out. Ever. Not that my opinion should have any influence on your decision whatsoever, but I’m perfectly happy with you just the way you are if you don’t want any surgery. And if you do want surgery, I’m good with that too. As long as it’s safe.” He yawned and looked up at Riley, his lids heavy. “You sure you’re okay with everything?”

  Riley grinned. He couldn’t think of a single moment in his life where he’d felt more content. Between relocating with his job and his rocky relationship with his parents, there were still uncertain parts in his life, but he finally felt at peace.

  The Tonys of the world could go to hell.

  Riley tightened his arms around Kollin. “I really, really am.”