Reclaiming Hope

by Shell Taylor

  Chapter 23

  “I THOUGHT we were going to the beach.” Riley pointed out the windshield. “Those are the gates to your community.”

  “I left the cooler at home.” Kollin waved his keycard and waited for the gates to open. “We only have that huge one at the beach house, and I don’t want to lug that thing onto the sand for just the two of us.”

  A moment later they pulled into the driveway, and Kollin got out. Instead of running into the house, he leaned down to peer at Riley. “Aren’t you coming in?”

  “To get a cooler?”

  Kollin sighed. “Fine. You don’t have to, but don’t expect me to back you when Lizzie rips into you for not coming in to say hi.”

  Riley rolled his eyes and unbuckled his seatbelt. “We’re never going to get to the beach, at this rate.”

  “Oh, relax. We have all day today and tomorrow and the day after that.”

  Riley couldn’t think of a response that didn’t make him sound like a horn dog. Six weeks to the day had passed since he had bottom surgery—metoidioplasty and a hysterectomy—and he was finally able to resume normal activity. Which he hoped meant a boatload of sex with Kollin over the weekend.

  A couple of weeks after Riley returned to Boone, Greg came to him with the disappointing news that Drummond’s had to delay opening a branch in Durham. After extensive conversations with his parents and some cajoling from Kollin, Riley accepted his parents’ offer to move back to Cary immediately and live with them. They offered to help with the cost of his surgery, citing that they’d set the money aside for his college tuition, anyway, and Riley couldn’t pass up the opportunity.

  Riley hardly remembered the first week after his surgery. He refused to take anything stronger than a Tylenol, and he’d been in so much pain he could hardly focus on anything. Eventually the pain subsided, and he’d actually been pain free the past several days. Which he thought meant he’d be spending the entire weekend holed up in Kollin’s beach house, only coming out of the bedroom to replenish liquids, dammit.

  Kollin stopped on the front stoop and kissed Riley on the cheek. “Stop pouting. We’ll have plenty of time together. This’ll only take a second.”

  “Yeah, yeah. Just hurry up. Lizzie’s gonna keep me here at least an hour. I already know it.”

  Kollin shoved the door open, and as soon as Riley set foot inside, he was nearly scared right back out.

  “Surprise!”

  Kollin let go of Riley and joined the group who had squeezed into the foyer. He raised his jazz hands up in the air with a huge smile on his face.

  “What’s this about?” he asked, staring at Kollin as people started to hug him.

  “It’s a joint ‘happy birthday’ and ‘congrats on your transition’ party,” Kollin said, his lopsided grin still firmly in place.

  Riley scrunched his face. “My birthday isn’t for another month.”

  “That’s the surprise,” Lizzie shouted as she bounced up and down.

  Everyone laughed, and at Kirsten’s urging, the party moved into the kitchen, where some brunch-like appetizers and a cake sat on the island.

  “Do you know how hard it is to plan a surprise party for ten in the morning?” Kirsten said as she huddled everyone into the food line. “I hope everyone’s hungry, though. I think I went a little overboard.”

  Kollin threw his arm over her shoulder. “Don’t act like you didn’t love planning every minute of this shindig.”

  Kirsten elbowed him. “I did, but only because I love Ri so much.”

  Riley’s mom sidled up to him and wrapped her arms around one of his elbows. “Your boyfriend’s family is very… chatty,” she whispered in his ear.

  Riley laughed. Though she’d met Adam and Elijah on separate occasions, this was the first time they were all together. Add in Adam’s sister and both sets of Kollin’s grandparents and he could imagine she and his dad had been overwhelmed. The Langley-Lancaster clan wasn’t exactly known for holding in its opinions for politeness’ sake.

  “They haven’t traumatized you forever, have they?” Riley asked.

  “Not me.” She shifted her eyes toward Bob. “Maybe your father.”

  Riley glanced at his dad, who was waving his hands around while he spoke with Elijah. “Looks like he’s managing okay.”

  They loaded up their plates and joined Kollin at the table. “Thanks for doing this and including us, Kollin,” Lorraine said. “It’s a comfort to know Riley’s chosen someone with such a nurturing and supportive family.” She looked at Riley and smiled. “It’s all I ever prayed for, when he was little.”

  Kollin grinned. “Thank you, ma’am. I’m just glad you guys could make it, and I hope my family at least pretended to be normal before we got here.”

  Lorraine waved him off. “They were fine and had such wonderful things to say about Riley, from recently and back when he was in high school.” She turned to Riley. “Elijah in particular praised you for being so responsible and making Kollin so happy. You certainly have a fan in him.”

  Riley’s cheeks warmed, and he stared at his plate. He had made a fool of himself with Elijah the night he almost bailed, so proving to Elijah that he was worthy of Kollin had been Riley’s first priority. He had no clue how to do it, of course, but that night remained one of his biggest regrets. He thought, if Elijah approved of him, somehow it would erase that moment of weakness. Turned out all Elijah needed to warm up to Riley was his commitment to Kollin. In fact Riley had come to understand why Kollin called him a big teddy bear. He was almost as affectionate and generous with Riley as he was the rest of his family… almost. No one could ever doubt who held the top three spots in Elijah’s heart.

  “I think he’s a fan of anyone who makes Kollin happy,” Riley replied.

  Lorraine smiled and shrugged. Then she popped a piece of fruit in her mouth. Kollin leaned over and smacked a kiss onto Riley’s cheek. “At least you know you’ll always be in his good graces.”

  “Okay, lovebirds,” Kirsten said. “Kollin put me on a strict time frame. You got all day to be smoochy-smoochy, once you leave. Get your butts over here for cake and ice cream.”

  “Kirsten.” Kollin gasped and pointed at Lizzie. “Watch your mouth. There are children present.”

  “I am not a child.” Lizzie pouted.

  “Yes, you are,” Adam and Eli both shouted.

  Lizzie huffed and folded her arms over her chest. Elijah’s mom, Gloria, didn’t waste any time pulling her close for a hug. “Ignore those boys, baby. Get your cake, and we’ll go plan a shopping trip—just us girls.”

  Kollin feigned indignation. “What about me? I want to go.”

  Gloria eyed Kollin over her shoulder. “Should’ve thought about that before you started picking on your sister.”

  Kollin laughed. Even Riley knew the threat was empty. Gloria could probably count on one hand the number of times she’d gone shopping without Kollin since he moved in with Elijah. An unlikely pair—elegant and wealthy grandmother walking around with a flamboyant, wild-haired kid—they turned plenty of heads when they went out together. But not much brought Kollin more joy than shopping with Elijah’s mom, and Riley had a feeling Gloria felt the same way.

  “No one actually believes you, Mom,” Eli said drily.

  “I don’t know,” Kirsten said. “Maybe we should plan a girls’ day out. Me, Lizzie, Mom, Gloria. You have to come too, Mrs. Meadows. Lizzie probably needs a break from all the testosterone in this house.”

  Lorraine smiled and looked as if she would accept, but she wasn’t fast enough. “I think you underestimate your niece,” Adam said. “If you think she doesn’t run this house, you’re sadly mistaken. And maybe let Mrs. Meadows decide if she wants to be sucked into your day of hell.”

  “Just because you don’t like to shop, doesn’t mean we don’t,” Adam’s mom scolded.

  “You hate shopping, Mom,” Kirsten said, her mouth full of cake.

  She shrugged off Kirsten’s comment. “Maybe, but
I love spending time with my daughter and granddaughter.”

  The conversation lulled just long enough for Lorraine to jump in and be heard. “I’d love to join you all,” she nearly shouted, causing Riley to snicker.

  “Ooh, yay,” Kirsten squealed, almost cutting Lorraine off. “We should really make a day of it and go to the spa too. Get our nails done.”

  Eli groaned. “How did Riley’s party turn into a planning session for you all?”

  Kirsten made a face and pulled her lips down in an exaggerated frown. “Oh. Sorry, Ri. He’s right. Let’s talk about you. What’s on the docket while you wait for Drummond’s to open up in Durham?”

  Not all that thrilled to be thrust back into the center of attention, Riley cast a glare toward Elijah and then cleared his throat. “Well, Adam said he’s got some part-time work I can do at the inn and the center. I’m thinking about taking some classes at the community college too. I like construction work a lot, but if I eventually want to move up, I’ll need a degree.”

  Lorraine placed her hand on Riley’s shoulder and squeezed. “I’m so proud of you.”

  “Thanks, Mom, but you know I wouldn’t be here without your help.”

  Lorraine smiled, but it was Bob who spoke up. “Yes, you would. Might’ve taken you a bit longer, but you’d have done it.”

  Riley felt his blush return, and he looked down at his plate. His relationship with his father had been the most tumultuous one over the past few months, but neither of them had given up. They butted heads more times than not, and Riley had spent several nights back in Kollin’s basement in an effort to keep from strangling his dad, but they were trying.

  The conversation moved on to the expansion of the center—an idea Kollin had come up with to be more inclusive to non-LGBT youth. His theory being that HOPE shouldn’t turn down anyone in need, regardless of their orientation, and bringing in a more diverse group of youth would hopefully lead to a greater understanding of the LGBT community and, therefore, more allies. As with any new idea, there were about a billion things that could go wrong, but Riley recognized the gleam in Adam’s eye whenever they tossed around ideas of how to make Kollin’s vision happen.

  Riley listened as he finished his cake. He was happy to simply soak it all in. Kollin pulled him closer, pressed a kiss just beneath his ear, and whispered, “Your dad was right, you know. I’m so proud of you.”

  Riley looked into Kollin’s twinkling eyes, and his heart ached for how much he wanted that adoring look on Kollin’s face never to disappear. He shook his head and wondered when he’d become so maudlin. “You know I couldn’t have done it without you either.”

  Kollin shrugged. “I dunno about that. You’ve got some badass scars to prove how strong you are.”

  “Thank you.” Riley waved his hand around the room. “For this and for everything. You’ve always been my biggest supporter. Even when I didn’t deserve it.”

  “I’d say we both made mistakes along the way. But at least we made it here.”

  Riley grabbed Kollin’s hand. “Yeah. We did. And I’d say here is a pretty good place to be.”

  Kollin grinned. “Damned skippy, it is.”

  Riley laughed and leaned in closer. “Seriously, though. When’re we leaving? Because as much as I love here, I’m so ready to be alone with you.”

  Kollin popped his mouth open in mock surprise. “Why, Riley, if I didn’t know better, I’d say you want to sully my virgin-like reputation.”

  Riley rolled his eyes. “Virgin-like, my ass. And yes. Yes, I do.”

  Kollin laughed and kissed him lightly on the lips. “Well, lucky for you, I already told Kirsten we wouldn’t be staying long. But don’t get too eager, because we still have one more stop to make before we get to the beach house.”

  “WHEN YOU said we had one more stop to make, I didn’t realize it would take the entire day,” Riley said as he climbed out of Kollin’s car.

  “What can I say? I’m full of surprises.” Kollin grinned, clearly enjoying the mystery.

  “Ooookay. What does this beach, that’s two hours south of the beach we’re staying at this weekend, have that Emerald Isle doesn’t have?”

  Kollin held out his hand for Riley and walked toward the public-access ramp that would lead them to the ocean. “Adam, Eli, and I came here the summer after you disappeared. We all had some stuff we wanted to let go of. Adam had been here before and suggested we come.”

  “That’s… nice.” Riley zipped up his hoodie as they walked off of the ramp and onto the sand. The strong beach wind cut a chill into him even though the late-winter day was warm. “You throw a bottle in the ocean or something?”

  “You’ll see.”

  Riley followed Kollin down the beach. He hadn’t been to one in ages, and a stroll through the sand sounded nice. They walked awhile, holding hands and discussing the party, what classes Riley might take, and whatever else popped into Kollin’s head.

  They walked close to the high wall of sand to their right in a failed attempt to block some of the wind. Occasionally they passed others, but very few people seemed to venture that far out. Nothing on the horizon hinted at anything other than beach ahead. There weren’t even any houses on that stretch of beach. When they were no longer passing other groups, Riley couldn’t hold in his curiosity.

  He sighed loudly. “Is your plan to murder me and toss me in the ocean with no witnesses?”

  Kollin laughed. “Nope.”

  “Are we walking all the way to the point or something?”

  Kollin shook his head and looked around. “Nope. But I think we’ll be there soon.” He tugged Riley closer to the waves and looked around. “Yep. There’s the flag pole.”

  Riley looked toward the land where Kollin pointed and saw the pole, but they were too far away to see what kind of flag blew in the breeze.

  “You wanted me to see a flag?”

  “No.” Kollin rolled his eyes. “It’s under the flag. Come on.”

  Kollin picked up his pace, and several minutes later, Riley could see the red and white stripes protecting the fifty white stars on a blue backdrop. He kept his mouth shut, because he knew Kollin wouldn’t tell him why an American flag stood on a beach in the middle of nowhere. They finally reached a break in the sand wall, and Riley saw a long wooden bench next to an old, rickety mailbox, perched on what looked like a hunk of driftwood.

  “A mailbox?”

  “Come on.” Kollin tugged Riley toward the bench.

  “Kindred Spirit,” spelled out in gold letters, graced the side of the mailbox, and the red flag stood straight up as if someone expected a mailman to come that far out.

  “This is the Kindred Spirit mailbox,” Kollin said as he opened the box. He tugged out a couple of pens as well as two notebooks that were well worn and had a permanent fold from being in the mailbox. “It’s been here for like fifty years or something. A guy put it up one day, because his girlfriend wanted him to. He named it Kindred Spirit because she wanted her name to remain unknown. She wanted anyone who left notes in the journal to spill their secrets to… well, a kindred spirit.”

  “Wow,” Riley said with a mixture of amazement and doubt. Did people really trek all the way out there to write in some old notebooks?

  Kollin nodded. “It’s amazing, really, when you think about it. The guy still comes out here and changes out the notebooks and makes sure there’s pens and somewhere to sit and everything. Supposedly he reads every entry. He says everyone’s story is worth knowing.” Kollin waved one of the notebooks in the air. “I read a few last time I was here. It’s hard not to get caught up in them. Some are sad. Some are full of love or depression. Some people write to someone they’ve wronged, and others write to people who have passed on.”

  Riley took the notebook Kollin held out to him. “You don’t have to or anything.” Kollin scratched the back of his neck. “I feel kind of stupid, dragging you all the way out here, now, without asking you first. But with everything that’s happened over the
past few months and everything that will happen in the coming months… it feels like we’re at a turning point in our lives, and I thought it would be nice.”

  Dumbfounded, Riley opened the notebook and read the first entry.

  Dear Mom, it began. The letter was short but filled with pain and grief so raw and real that Riley had tears in his eyes by the time he got to the signature. Nothing but a simple H. Below that was a somewhat poor drawing of a cat with RIP Fluffles next to it. A few pages later, he smiled as he read, I asked, and then in different handwriting was I said YES! Those five words took up that entire page, and Riley could feel the excitement pouring off it.

  Riley became immersed in the strangers’ stories, the secrets they wanted to share with their Kindred Spirit. As Kollin said, they varied from one end of the spectrum to the other. One was from someone just released from prison, another from a grieving widow, another from a scared, pregnant woman, and another from a desperate soul who wondered how to tell his parents he was a drug addict and needed their help to pull himself out of his downward spiral. But they all had one thing in common—every single letter screamed out a message of hope. And why not? Why would anyone drive to a remote beach in North Carolina and then trek who knows how many miles to converse with the Kindred Spirit if they didn’t hold hope in their hearts? Those memos of faith and optimism were the most beautiful offerings Riley had ever seen.

  Riley peeked over at Kollin. His head was bowed, and he was gnawing on his bottom lip as he wrote. Riley grinned. Kollin had already filled half a page. “Thank you for bringing me here.”

  Kollin paused his writing to look up. “You’re welcome. I’m glad you like it.”

  Riley nodded and stared down at the first piece of blank paper he got to. He could probably fill up pages of the book, and though he knew that would be fine in the spirit of the mailbox, he didn’t feel the need to. He wanted to let the Kindred Spirit, and anyone else who read his words, know that he’d done it. He’d gone through the valley and climbed out the other side, maybe a bit worse for the wear in some areas, but definitely stronger and smarter. He wanted to shout to everyone who came after him that he’d reclaimed his hope, and he never intended to lose it again.