by Kristy Love
“What?”
“Cassie. I hate the way you call me Cassie.”
I sat back in my seat, completely confused. “What are you talking about?”
“I hate that I miss you calling me Cassandra. You’re the only one who does, you know that? Or at least you did.”
It seemed she’d been covering her anger well because I had no idea this was simmering below the surface. “I thought you wouldn’t want me to call you Cassandra . . . you know, after everything.”
“I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t want you to call me Cassandra or Cassie or anything.”
I nodded, unsure how to respond. Anger still simmered in her eyes and her body was stiff. I pulled cash out of my wallet and laid it on the table. It was enough to cover the check and a decent sized tip. Cassie slid out of the booth and I followed her out the door. When we were in the parking lot, standing beside her car, she turned to me. I buried my hands in my pockets.
“Before you leave, I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for what I did to you and I’m sorry for what I did to Ben. I was a complete fuckup and I hope someday you can forgive me.”
“You fucked up, Jax.”
“I did. I know I did and I regret it. Every day.”
She nodded, her eyes still full of anger. “I should hate you.” I nodded and glanced away. “I should hate you and want nothing to do with you. I should never want to forgive you or ever want to talk to you again.”
“I know. And I’m sorry. I’m so damned sorry.” I tried my best to hold it together. I never thought I’d get this chance to say I was sorry to her face. Hell, I never thought I’d be face-to-face with her to begin with. “I wish there was more I could say, but that’s it. I’m sorry. I wish there was something I could do to make it up to you.”
“I want to hate you.” Her voice wavered and she sounded like she was either fighting back anger or tears. Her eyes were full of turmoil, as though she was battling with herself. “I want to hate you, Jax. So damned much, but I can’t. I can’t find it in me to hate you. I hate what you did. I hate what you became, but it’s so damned great to see you like this.” She blew out a breath, as though preparing herself. “I can’t hate you, Jax, because I still love you.” She paused and stared into my eyes. My heart thundered as I waited for what came next. “I hate that I love you.”
That hurt. A lot. “I’m sorry, Cassie.”
“Stop calling me Cassie!” she screamed. She turned and opened her car door and I was so fucking confused. What the fuck was happening? One second she seemed remorseful, then angry, then like she wanted something more from me.
“What do you want me to do? What can I do?”
She whirled and faced me. “I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know how I fucking feel.”
“I understand that.”
“You can’t understand anything, Jax!” A tear fell down her cheek and I had to fight to keep my distance. “I loved you, Jax. And then I lost you. I know I walked away from you, but I lost you long before I left. I wanted to be with you, despite all of the shit you put me through. Even though you kept tearing me apart. I loved you so damn much, I was blind.” Tears fell freely down her cheeks. “Every time you come into my life, it ends up in pieces. Before, then at my wedding, and again now.” She wiped at her cheeks angrily. “Fuck, I’m sick of crying over you! I’m sick of my heart hurting and I’m sick of missing you.” A sob broke free. “I’m sick of loving you, Jax, because it hurts too damned much.”
At that, I closed the distance between us and pulled her into my arms. She clung to my shirt and cried into my chest while I rubbed my arms up and down her back and buried my face in her hair. She smelled the same and felt the same in my arms. I inhaled her scent and closed my eyes.
Tears escaped my eyes because I knew, I knew, how much I’d hurt her. I knew what she meant. Loving her hurt, too, a lot. I wanted her in my life so badly, but I wasn’t sure if we could do it. I wanted to tell her it would be different this time, but could I really promise her that? I had been clean a little over three years, but maybe I was just toxic for her. I didn’t want to hurt her again the way I had before.
We stood there, wrapped around each other, both of us crying, my heart shattering more and more with every passing second. She cried loudly and violently into my chest and I held her, wanting to take the pain and the hurting away. Finally, she pushed away from me and wiped her eyes. They were swollen and still filled with tears.
“I have to go,” she said. Before I could say anything else, she got in her car and she was gone.
It felt like goodbye.
I WANTED TO keep my promises to Cassandra, but it just wasn’t possible. It didn’t make sense to work a legit job. I could make double what I made at the gas station helping Dylan out. . It’d taken so long for Cassandra to find out about the drugs. I could do a better job hiding it from her this time. I’d just be more careful.
The partying went hand-in-hand with the job, so I couldn’t cut that out. I wasn’t doing anything wrong at the parties, either. I wasn’t flirting or hooking up with other girls. Fuck, I wasn’t even talking to other girls. Unless you considered handing her a baggie and taking cash from her talking. I didn’t want another girl. I had Cassandra. She was all I wanted.
And drinking . . . well, there was no way I was stopping. She hadn’t asked me to, but I got the feeling she wanted me to stop that, too. It wasn’t happening. No way in hell. I needed the numbness and the escape.
So really, when I promised not to lie to Cassandra, I had been lying. I’d have to be super careful from here on out. She said she forgave me, but I could tell part of her wasn’t sold. I’d just have to watch my back until she felt she could trust me again.
I had Ben today while she was working. We went to the play area in the mall and had soft pretzels and smoothies. We watched train movies and played with trains followed by dinner. I gave him a bath and got him to bed. Now, I was sitting on the couch, enjoying a beer. I needed something to unwind.
Cassie came in and saw me. She gave me a tight smile before shedding her coat and purse and throwing them on the end of the couch.
“Hey, babe,” I said, then finished off my beer.
“Hey. How was today?”
“Good. We played so much, I think I wore him out.”
“That’s good.” Her voice sounded stiff and her eyes kept going to the beer bottle. I got up and threw it away. I grabbed the wine I’d purchased for her today, opened it and poured her a glass. Then I grabbed another beer for myself.
“I got this for you,” I said, handing her the glass of wine.
“Thanks,” she said, taking a sip. “When’d you get this?”
“Today.”
She sat on the couch and pulled her shoes off. “With Ben?”
“Yeah.”
“You took him to a liquor store?”
“People do it every day, Cass. They take their kids and grab some beer. It’s no big deal.”
“He’s never really been around alcohol or anything, Jax.”
“And I waited until he was in bed to open a beer. He’s sleeping peacefully. He’s safe. You can have a glass of wine. It’s no big deal.”
She eyed me. “I guess it’s not.”
“Don’t worry, Cassandra. I’m fine. He’s fine. You can unwind with a glass of wine every once in a while.”
She sat back and sipped the wine, still eying me occasionally. I smiled and took a long pull from my beer. It wasn’t enough for me to get drunk, but it was enough to start the numbing. I’d have to go back to my dorm to get truly wasted, but I wanted to spend some time with Cassandra first.
We sat there, watching some show on TV that I didn’t care about. She finished her glass of wine and I finished my six-pack. I lay with my head in her lap as she sifted her hands through my hair. I sighed and moved closer to her, enjoying the feel of her hands on me. Soon, my eyelids grew heavy.
“JAX. JAX, GE
T up, I have to pee,” Cassandra said, effectively waking me up. I sat up and stretched. She got up and went to the bathroom. By the time she came out, I was slipping my shoes on and her face fell. “You aren’t staying?”
“Do you want me to?”
“Yeah.”
I had some runs to do for Dylan the next day and there was another party he wanted me to help him out at. Surely, I could get out of here at a decent enough time to get that done. I’d just tell her I had class tomorrow so I could leave earlier. Lie, lie, lie, lie. That’s all you know how to do. I squashed the voice in my head and stood up, going to her. “Sure, babe, I’ll stay.”
A slow, sexy grin graced her face and I kissed her. It had been so long since we’d been together like this, just normal, and I wanted to cherish it. She slid her hands into my hair and I pulled herself tight against me. Our slow kiss soon turned frantic and our hands were everywhere.
We went back to her room and I slowly stripped her. It’d been so long, so very long, since I had seen her this way and I wanted to savor every part of her. I kissed her collarbone before laying her back on the bed. I worshipped her with my lips, hands, teeth, and tongue until she was begging for more. When I finally sank inside her, she came undone quickly. I took my time, loving her, cherishing every feeling, every movement, every single breath.
After she exploded around me two more times, I finally finished and rolled over, taking her with me and holding her tight against my body, quickly falling asleep.
TIME PASSED AND lies stacked up like wood being stored for winter. I told Cassandra I needed to go to class, but I hadn’t been to a single class all semester. I told her I was looking for a job, but I hadn’t applied anywhere. Eventually I lied and told her I found a night job stocking shelves in a store. She believed me, eating up the lies I told her like they were candy instead of the poison I knew they were.
I told her I was barely talking to Dylan and I’d completely stopped distributing for him. Little did she know, I was going to parties with him almost every night to hand out product. I hated lying to her, but I didn’t see another way. I was in too deep. I couldn’t stop. Before I knew it, another lie slipped out and I was being swallowed alive.
By now, it took me at least a dozen beers to get to the level of numb I craved. I wasn’t spending many nights over at Cassandra’s because I needed to drink. I needed it more than I needed my next breath. I loved the feeling it gave me and the way it took the guilt and blame away.
I’d finally made up with Ry, at least a little. A week ago, she was in the parking lot of Cassandra’s, waiting for me.
“Jax,” she said, running over to me as soon as I climbed out of my truck. “Jax, I’ve been trying to get in touch with you forever.”
“I don’t have anything to say to you, Ryanne.” I kept walking until she grabbed my arm and stopped me, turning me toward her.
“No, please hear me out. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for what I said. I don’t blame you, not even a little bit, for Mom dying. I was just angry and hurting and I hate that she went back to using and overdosed.”
“I get it.”
“Forgive me?”
“I don’t know, Ry,” I said, running my hand through my hair. I wanted to forgive her only because I missed her and I loved her, but her words had stung and left scars. Words sometimes hurt, especially when, deep down, you know they were true.
“Please,” she said, and tears brimmed in her eyes.
I couldn’t see my sister cry, so I pulled her in for a hug. “Of course. I love you, Ry. I’m sorry I let you down.”
“I’m sorry I was such a bitch. I love you, too.”
And things went back to normal, somewhat. I didn’t really spend much time with her, mostly because I was so busy. I had spun her lies, as well.
I was a dealer in lies and drugs and broken hearts.
I wasn’t sure if I could keep all my lies straight forever or if I’d collapse under the weight of them. I wasn’t ready to find out. So I kept spinning them and then drinking to forget.
My life had become defined by lies, regret, and alcohol.
I WAS SITTING on my couch with a glass of red wine. Ben was tucked into bed and sleeping. I had spent all day packing and I was exhausted and sore. I wasn’t sure what hurt more, my body or my heart.
After the way things ended with Jax, I somehow made it through the weekend and my interview. They were definitely interested and offered me the job before I left. I asked for some time to think about it and they gladly agreed. I should have accepted the job on the spot. The pay was amazing, the benefits were more than I had now, everyone I met was sweet and nice, and the doctors were funny and so friendly. It felt right. I couldn’t help but remember that I would have to move away from my mom and my sister. I’d have to move closer to where Jax lived, and I didn’t want to do that.
When I got back home I talked to my mom and Roxie, and they encouraged me to take the job, so I did. I had already given my two weeks’ notice at work and I was packing up my whole life to move again. I talked to my landlord and he was nice enough to let me out of my lease, even though I had lived here such a short time. Apparently, he already had someone who was interested in renting my apartment, so he figured he didn’t have a problem. I was thankful that things were moving along so smoothly.
I only had four more days until I was moving and I still had so much to do.
Roxie wanted to follow me to Fairfax. She was looking for a job there before she officially quit, but it wouldn’t take long. She was a realtor, so she’d be okay. She had the perfect personality for realty and she made a lot of money doing it. Our mom went through the roof when she decided to forget her college education and go through the process of getting her realtor license. Luckily, Roxie was amazing at her job and our mom got over it super quick.
Anne found a place for us to live when we got there. I’d driven up there this past weekend and looked at the place, filled out the lease and put down my security deposit. Things were falling nicely into place. I just needed to finish packing up my life and move. I was so sick of moving.
I sipped my wine and tried to ignore the loneliness that made me feel so hollow and empty. Things with Jax seemed so final now. I’d flipped out and acted like a bitch. He didn’t deserve that. He was only trying to be nice, but I was so upset. All of my emotions were too big to be contained in my body. I felt as if I might explode. I missed him, I loved him, I hated him, I was pissed at him; I grieved for him, for me, for us.
I was wondering if there was something seriously wrong with me. How could I feel all these things at once? Why couldn’t it be clear when it came to Jax? I wanted to move on and find happiness in my life. I had my mom, my sister, and my brilliant little boy. I had a career I loved and friends, and life was good. I knew it was good. I had everything I wanted.
But I didn’t have Jax. And that pissed me the fuck off. I should hate him. I shouldn’t be able to forgive him, but I wanted to.
Fuck, I needed more wine.
I got up to top off my glass and took a large drink. Someone knocked at my door taking me completely by surprise. I had no idea who it might be this late at night, so I peeked through the curtained window beside the door. I smiled and opened the door for my mom.
“Hey, Mom,” I said, stepping back and motioning her in.
“Hey, sweetie.” She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek.
“Is something wrong?”
“No, I just wanted to spend some time with you before you leave.”
“Mom, I’m only a couple hours away.”
“Yeah, but I feel like I just got you back. And you’ll soon be a couple hours away when you’re only fifteen minutes away now.”
I sighed. She’d said this same thing over and over and over. She just got me back, yet she’s the one who shoved me away and slammed the door in my face all those years ago. I wasn’t upset with her anymore, but sometimes it still stung. I wasn’t sure you ever get over being rejected by yo
ur mother. I tried to get past it, but I couldn’t completely. “I know, Mom.”
We went over and sat on the couch after I got her a glass of wine. She surveyed the boxes. “Looks like you’re almost ready.”
“Yeah, I am.” Almost everything was packed up. I still had to finish with Ben’s toys and some last-minute kitchen things. Luckily, I didn’t have much, so it wasn’t a huge task, but packing sucked, no matter what.
“I wanted to talk to you about something without Roxie around.” I raised an eyebrow, wondering what the hell she could be talking about. “I wanted to talk to you about Jax.” All the air seeped out of my lungs in one long breath. This was the last thing I ever wanted to talk about, especially with my mother. “Don’t give me that look, Cassandra.”
I flinched. It hurt to hear my full name without it coming from Jax’s lips. “What about him, Mom?”
“I’m worried about what’s going to happen when you live closer to him. He hurt you so badly before, I don’t want him to hurt you again.”
“I know, Mom. Don’t worry about it.”
“I have to worry about it. If it affects you, it affects your son.” She motioned over her shoulder toward Ben’s room.
She was always firmly on the side of me not getting back with Jax. I always figured it was because she was my mom and he broke my heart and she was protective, but suddenly it felt like more. The way she wouldn’t meet my eyes, the way she was twirling the bracelet on her wrist. “There’s more to this, Mom. What is it?”
She sighed and sipped her wine. “Before I met your father, I was in love with someone very much like Jax. He made me feel alive and electric and loved. The problem was, he loved alcohol and drugs more than me. He overdosed a few times and always got clean right after that. But it always led to a relapse. Except each time, he got worse. Eventually, I had to look out for me and walk away.”
So my mom was projecting her own feelings onto my situation with Jax. “He’s been clean for years, though.”
“But it’s always something you’ll have to think about, Cassie.” She held her glass up to me and tilted her head toward it. “If you want a glass of wine, will he see it and crave it? If you have a party and serve beer, will he be able to resist it? That’s a lot to think about. It’s a lot to take on. With your career and your son, do you think you can handle it?”