Don't Let Me Be Yours

by Kimberly Reese

  By the time the sun starts to sink into the horizon and color the ocean and sky in brilliant, fiery shades, I’m fighting the urge to pull her into my lap and kiss her.

  Strictly friends, I remind myself.

  “We should get going,” I say, the reluctance bleeding into my voice.

  A soft sigh leaves Perrie, but she agrees. “Yeah, that’s a good idea.”

  We get up and cross from the sand over onto the sidewalk that leads to where I’m parked. We’re halfway to my car when a tinkling bell rings in quick succession behind us.

  “Coming through!” is all I hear over my shoulder before a group of teenagers rides by on their bicycles. Without thinking, I instantly grab Perrie and move her to my left side, away from the passing crowd, keeping my arm around her in safekeeping.

  I feel her intake of breath before she lets it loose. “Holy shit, that was kinda scary. Thanks for, you know, saving me.” She looks up at me gratefully, and I’m hit yet again with the urge to lean down and kiss her.

  I fight against it, but I can’t bring myself to unloop my arm from around her shoulders. She tucks herself into my side, and we part reluctantly when we have to get in the car.

  No words are spoken on the way back to her condo, but the comfortable silence from before is now fraught with a heady tension I’m sure is felt on both sides. I’m not sure what it is about return trips, but they always feel much shorter than the first trip. Before I know it, we’re parked in front of the curb leading to her front door.

  “Here we are,” I say.

  “Yes, here we are,” she says quietly. She looks at me, and while her voice is meek, there’s banked fire in her dark brown eyes.

  “Thanks for hanging out with me.”

  “Anytime. Thanks for inviting me.” She unbuckles herself and opens the door. Her legs are out the door, but she pauses, as if rethinking her action. I hear her draw in a deep lungful of air, and then she’s swiftly turning around and moving toward me across the center console.

  I watch as she moves until her forehead is almost pressed against mine, but I stay where I am, even though it’s taking a considerable amount of willpower.

  “I know I shouldn’t ask…” she whispers, her voice trailing off.

  “What?” I say back, our breaths mingling.

  “Will you kiss me, please?”

  She sounds hopeful and vulnerable, and her lips are parted, as if waiting for my own mouth to own hers like I did before.

  I stare down at her for a beat, and although my body is screaming at me to fulfill her request, my mind keeps me in check. We need to just stay friends, and giving in to her will only complicate things further.

  “It was a perfect night,” I concede, “but I’m with Rachel, so it needs to end here. We can’t do or be anything more than friends. Goodnight, Perrie. Go inside.”

  My gentle words are laced with iron, and she doesn’t miss the implacable order in my voice. With a quiet gasp and hardening eyes, she nods her head and quickly moves out of my car, slamming the door. I watch her walk away and enter her condo, and I grit my teeth and force myself to face forward and drive away instead of running back to her door to claim what isn’t mine.

  19

  Perrie

  Rachel: Perrie! Dinner was incredible the other night. I’m out of town for the week, and I know how lonely Lawrence gets without me, so if Zane could keep him company one night, that would be amazing. I see you two lasting long-term, it’s so exciting. Talk soon. xx

  I’m sitting in a business meeting, and the only thing my mind can focus on is that damn text Rachel sent this morning. There are so many things wrong with it, like her use of Sterling’s first name, the one he loathes, and the fact that she thinks Zane keeping Sterling company would be a good idea. For someone so smart, she sure is dense. Or maybe she’s calculating and knows exactly what she’s doing. Who really freaking knows?

  I grip the edge of my pencil skirt and press my fists into my thighs, irritated at myself for spending so much time on her. I’m better than this, but that dinner really screwed with my head. And so did our little hangout session. It made me realize that my feelings are maybe deeper than I thought, deeper than they should be. I’m growing infatuated and developing a big fat crush, which is a huge no. Sterling is hard and upfront, the definition of an asshole, and I want to know him better. I want him to know me better too.

  I need a grip. I’m making things more difficult than they need to be. It’s simple. He’s with Rachel, they’re having a baby together, and they’re giving their relationship another shot. There’s no place for me. Besides, how messed up would it be if I pursued him, knowing his current situation with her? It’d be catty, and it isn’t worth it. He isn’t worth it.

  Isn’t he, though?

  I shake that thought away as Blake grabs my attention from across the conference room. “Earth to Perrie, ahem,” she politely interrupts.

  I blink a few times and look around, noticing the once full chairs surrounding the long table are now empty.

  “Shit. Did I really just skimp on the whole meeting?” I straighten my skirt and stand, shaking my head. “I’m really sorry. I’ll send an email or something.”

  “No need,” she assures. “I took care of it, and there were more than a few chatty people to fill in the void, so you’re good. They probably just assumed you’re having a stressful work day.”

  “Ha, if only.” I sigh, gathering my things. On impulse, I glance at my phone.

  “Waiting on an important call?” Blake asks curiously.

  “No, just waiting on anything,” I start to share, but stop myself.

  “Perrie?” she gently presses.

  “As cringey as this is to admit, we hung out and it wasn’t horrible, and I want to see him again, take advantage now that Rachel is gone. Not that that should make much of a difference, but it does.”

  “Him being Sterling? You two hung out? What the eff, you secret keeper.”

  “It wasn’t that serious,” I downplay. “It’s silly, right? And a little childish? I just—Blake, I feel alive with him, and my body feels like it’s set on fire whenever he touches me, even innocently. I now get what people mean when they say you can cut the sexual tension with a knife.”

  “So cut it, Perrie. Wait, are you drunk or something?” Her eyes narrow playfully. “I’ve never heard or seen you react to someone like this. You know my stance on this whole thing.”

  “Feel free to voice it again,” I encourage, needing to hear her voice of reason, but what I get is the opposite.

  “Life is short as hell, Perrie, so when you’re attracted to someone, you need to go for it, especially if there’s an opportunity to,” she spews. “I mean, who knows when you’ll get the chance again? Tell me, ten years from now, or even five, do you want to look back and regret not going after what you want? Sure, I get that you want to be a good friend or a decent human being or whatever, but you should follow your heart.”

  “Are you drunk or something?” I ask, reiterating her previous question to me and trying to lighten the mood.

  She laughs and shrugs her shoulders before walking out of the room, leaving me to my own thoughts.

  My stomach flips as I replay her words. She has a point, a few points. Life is short, so before I change my mind or talk myself out of throwing myself at a man who’s even more unavailable than he was before, I throw caution to the wind and cancel the rest of my day.

  I’m doing this. I’m going for it. What’s life without a little risk?

  I waltz into his building and head straight for his receptionist—after several people directing me here, of course.

  “Hi, I’d like to see Sterling, er, Mr. Montgomery,” I state strongly, smiling at the pretty petite lady behind the desk. “My name is Perrie.”

  “Is he expecting you?” she asks, glancing down at what I presume is his schedule. “I don’t have anyone down for this time.”

  “No, he’s not,” I admit. “But if he’s
available, I’d really like to see him. It’s important.”

  She doesn’t look convinced, but something on my face must push her because she nods slowly and picks up her phone, calling Sterling.

  I stand here, nervously chewing on my bottom lip as I wait for whatever she says next. Will he shove me away like so many other times before, or will he let me in? I’m about to find out.

  She sets the phone down gently and gives me a small smile. “He’ll see you. Just head straight and the first door you see in front of you is his.”

  “Thank you,” I tell her graciously. “So much.”

  I walk in the direction she said, and within steps, I’m standing in front of his closed door. How do I know it’s his? His name is ingrained on the damn thing.

  I adjust my skirt and fix my blouse.

  Maybe this is a mistake. Maybe I’m being too impulsive. He’s just a guy, there are literally billions of them all over the world.

  But there’s only one Sterling.

  I let that thought propel me forward, and I gently knock on the wooden frame. I don’t hear an invitation, but since he knows I’m here, I let myself in, slowly opening the door and closing it behind me. I rest my back against the surface and look ahead, and Sterling’s eyes catch mine from behind his desk.

  “Hi,” I breathe out, and decide to get straight to the point, cutting the bullshit before it starts. “I should hate you, you know.”

  “Yeah?” He quirks a brow. “Why is that?”

  “I was content before you, and I never would have hooked up with a friend’s guy, never would have broken girl code.” I swallow over the dryness clogging my throat. “The worst part? I don’t regret it. Not one bit. So, here I am, interrupting your work day and my own because I can’t stay away any longer. I know you’re back with her, and that you’re having a baby, but I want you. I need you. This, whatever it is, is worth it. You’re worth it.”

  I’m practically begging, but I’m too far in to care about that right now.

  “You should leave,” he states in a hard tone, eyes breaking from mine. “You shouldn’t have come here, Perrie.”

  “You’re right, I should leave, and I shouldn’t have come here, but I did,” I boldly say, taking a step toward his desk. “You’re being an asshole again, and I can’t tell if it’s a facade or how you really are. Whatever the reason, it,” I pause. “It pulls me in.”

  His nostrils flare. From what? I’ll never know. “I’m not going to ask you again, Perrie.”

  “You never asked to begin with. You simply stated, and I ignored you,” I correct.

  I let out a shaky breath, fighting my nerves as they try to convince me to turn and run. I’m not going to listen. I’ve done enough running, and I’m exhausted.

  He leans back in his chair, hands folding in front of him. “You’re testing my patience, Perrie.”

  My name on his lips, even in that tone, makes my body tingle. I glare at him, irritation and my own impatience clawing beneath my skin. Screw it, what do I really have to lose?

  “When you fuck her,” I direct at him, a heavy sigh leaving my body, “am I in your head the whole time?”

  He opens his mouth to respond, but I cut him off.

  “Because you’re in mine,” I confess quietly. “Every time Zane slides inside my body and takes what I give, it isn’t him I’m thinking about or begging for more, it’s you. So, did you? Fuck her, I mean.”

  He doesn’t answer my question. Instead, he remains silent and openly assesses me. He looks toward the door pointedly, and an ache builds in my chest. I ignore it. He’s guarded, and I need him to not be.

  I drop my bag and walk around his desk to stand in front of him. He slides his chair back a little, giving me more space. I look back, making sure the room is concealed. It is, thanks to the closed blinds and door.

  I don’t give myself much time to think it over. I’ve done enough of that, and look where it’s gotten me.

  I take a deep breath and release it slowly, placing my hands on his chest and putting my knees on either side of his thighs as I angle my body over his.

  I’m silent and cautious, and if he’s surprised, he doesn’t show it. He remains stoic, but his hands slide up my thighs, gently squeezing.

  “We should be fighting, you should be trying hard to kick me out,” I whisper above his lips. “But let’s push that back a bit. Let’s live in the moment. Let’s fuck.”

  Those last two words are breathy, and the courage I’ve mustered up to do this? I hope it lasts long enough to enjoy whatever it is we’re about to do.

  He nods once, words still unspoken.

  I capture his lips with mine and work his belt while his hands slide my skirt up around my hips, toying with the strings of my thong.

  I feel his smile against my lips, and I giggle softly, moving my mouth against his. I pull his dick out, and it’s harder than the first time we did this—if that’s even possible. No words are shared as he moves his hands from my body to work a condom over his length. I lift my body a little, sliding my panties to the side, and he aligns himself at my entrance. Foreplay isn’t needed because I was wet the minute I stepped into his office.

  I slide down onto him slowly, biting the corner of my mouth to keep from moaning out loud. His hands resume their position on my hips and guide me up and down, slowly entering my body in and out at a deliciously slow pace. But that doesn’t last long. Soon, we’re both quickening our pace, frenzied movements taking over our bodies. He’s as lost in this as I am. His eyes never leave mine, and my brown eyes are lost in his blue ones. My gasps are quiet, and my moans are nearly silent. I’m close, and when his tongue plunges into my mouth and connects with mine, I lose it, coming so hard my body bucks and shakes, and his own release follows suit with a soft grunt.

  My body collapses onto his, spent, and I wait for him to say something, anything, but he doesn’t. Instead, his body stiffens, and he gets out a gruff, “I have a lot of work to do.”

  I ignore the burn building behind my eyes and the tears threatening to spill. I’m stronger than this, and Sterling seems to simultaneously bring out the best and worst in me.

  I wordlessly slide off of him and straighten my skirt, stumbling to get around his desk. I grab my bag and toss my hair in a high, messy ponytail. My hand stills on the door handle, and I turn to look at him.

  He’s fixed himself also, and it’s as if I was never there, over him, handing him another piece of myself while he took and gave nothing in return in typical Sterling fashion.

  “I was wrong, Sterling,” I break out, blinking back the pathetic tears begging for release. “You’re not worth it. The guy from the other night? He must have been someone disguised as you because he was nothing like the one staring back at me now.”

  “Perrie,” I hear as I swing the door open and walk out of his office. I ignore the look of disapproval from his receptionist, who no doubt knows what went down, and rush to get out of the building.

  The ball is in his court, and whether he does anything about it, well, I’m not sure how willing I’ll be to let him in the next time.

  I let Zane have his way with me that night, and the feel of Sterling inside me should be gone, but it isn’t. It’s all I think about when Zane finds his release inside me the same way Sterling had hours before.

  I’m hurt, but I’m done laying my heart on a gold platter. He knows the shape and feel of mine, and I’ve only received small, shadowy glimpses of his.

  Liar, Ayalas don’t give up so easily.

  I shove the thought away and scrub the memory of him off, using the strongest body scrub I have.

  Things always have a way of working themselves out in the end. With any luck, this time won’t be any different. I hope.

  20

  Sterling

  The door slams, punctuating Perrie’s exit from my office. Her cinnamon and spice smell lingers in the room, mixing with the scent of illicit sex I can still taste on my tongue. I lean back in my chair a
nd stare at the ceiling, grateful that Iris knows better than to enter my office to check on me right now. I trust her to be discreet, but I wish I could trust myself too.

  My legendary control fractured for a moment when Perrie was in front of me, pleading with me to fuck her with glassy eyes and trembling lips. My baser instincts took control, and in a blind moment, I became a man I never thought I’d be. A man I’m not proud of.

  Dishonest. Unfaithful. Weak.

  What I have with Rachel may not be real, and our last night together made me realize I have no intention of seeing this relationship through, regardless of whether or not the baby is mine. I haven’t fucked her since the night of the double date and have no intention of doing so ever again. That being said, we are still technically together. I should have held it together and kept Perrie far from me while I figured my life out. I think about what I’ve done and scrub my hands down my face, and the smell of her soft skin fills my nostrils.

  Shame and satisfaction fill me. Shame at what I’ve done, and satisfaction at giving in once again to the undeniable connection Perrie and I share. We’re like magnets, two opposite poles who can’t resist the pull we have to one another for very long, the meeting explosive and significant each time. I curse under my breath at having found this connection at the most inconvenient time, a time when I’m not completely happy with my life and circumstances.

  “What the fuck do I do now?” I ask my empty office.

  Of course, no one answers, and I sigh as I lose myself in my thoughts, replaying the last fifteen minutes.