Confusion: (a love story)

by Catherine Curtis

  I can feel my cheeks turning red as he talks but I try to wave my hand and act dismissive. “I think you overestimate his interest.”

  “I think you underestimate the impact you have on men.”

  He says it with such authority that I’m not sure how to respond. I just take my coffee mug into my hands and watch him over the brim. His face suddenly turns from quite serious to a mischievous grin.

  “I do see what you say about the whole inarticulate speech thing though. I told him last night- go easy on her, she thinks you’re the god of confusion and inarticulate speech.”

  I nearly spit out my coffee. “You did not!”

  “I did.”

  “James! He already thinks I’m crazy and an idiot. Why on Earth would you do that?”

  “He thinks you are beautiful and brilliant, like we all do. I felt sorry for him thinking you find his presence unpleasant.”

  “Unpleasant! Unpleasant? What?! The only thing I find unpleasant is you and your inability to keep your mouth shut! Now go. Before I throw something at you.”

  After a nice hot bath and baking 2 dozen cookies I manage to get a few sections done on the grant and send them off. At least tonight is riding practice. It will be good to ride but also to talk with the girls on the team about everything that has happened.

  Our horses are kept in a long red barn with a small corridor to the indoor arena. It’s the perfect place to talk about difficult things. While you groom and tack your horse in its stall you don’t really see the other people, but you know they are out there. The acoustics in the barn make it so that if you raise your voice just a little the whole barn can hear. You just send your thoughts out there into the world and wait to see what the others think.

  “I saw Christopher last night.” I begin. “He was with Stephanie. You know, the intern. They were holding hands.” For a while there is only silence and I’m starting to think that everyone will just let it go, acknowledging how painful it is but not knowing quite what to say. But there is a voice from across the aisle.

  “I’ve seen him running with her in the morning a few times. Seems like it’s happened a lot over the last few months.”

  My mouth starts to go dry. The last few months? Another voice from a few stalls down.

  “She’s good friends with a girl in my house. I think Christopher moved in with her.”

  “I’ve heard the same thing.” Another voice from the end of the barn. “I think this was Stephanie’s plan all along. I’m sorry Isabella, but I think they have been having an affair for almost 3 months.”

  I find myself frozen with the brush resting on my horse’s neck. He reaches around to nudge me with his nose and the tears start to fall. Three months. How did I not see this? And he made me feel like it was my fault. This wasn’t about me learning to be serious or worries about my career. This was about the other blond he was screwing at the office. How could I have been so dumb? And how could he have been so cruel?

  I somehow make it through practice and Annette insists that we all go out for a drink. Hurt and a little numb I find myself at margarita happy hour at Molly’s. I’m not much of a drinker so after my second margarita I know it’s probably time for me to head home. I agree to one last round and raise my glass for a toast.

  “To good men......and unicorns, and my chances of finding them both!” We are all a little tipsy and happy from the famously strong margaritas and the room explodes in laughter and cheers. But before I can sit James is at my side.

  “Were you making a toast in my honor?” He says with that beautiful smile.

  “I didn’t know you were a unicorn!” I smirk, not wanting to forgive him yet from this morning. “But let me introduce you to my team.” I send James into the middle and can tell that he couldn’t be happier than to find himself the center of attention for 15 beautiful college girls in tight pants. I think I might actually see him blush when I whisper goodbye and remind him to be good. “They all carry whips you know.”

  I try to settle my bill and go but the bartender insists that the gentleman is picking up the tab. I point to James and he shakes his head and points over to the corner. Nathan. Of course.

  The part of my brain that actually works is telling me to leave. Smile politely and wave as a thanks, but leave. Instead, my feet are carrying me over to his table. When I get there I realize that is was a mistake. I’m standing there in my riding pants and tall black boots, and a tight black tank top. My hair is pulled back into a messy braid and I am covered with sweat and grime. To top it off, I can feel the third margarita I drank starting to kick in and I am still angry about Christopher. I must be a sight to see.

  “Three months.” I begin. But he only tilts his head slightly and I can tell he has no idea what I am talking about. I want to explain but I’m too hurt and upset in the moment to make sense. Instead all I manage is, “Three months he’s been sleeping with her. Treachery of others indeed.”

  For some reason, this is the moment the leaving part of my brain wins out so I turn to make my way to the door. I only make it to the middle of the room. Nathan grabs me and turns me back to him. It’s crowded and I find myself catching my breath as only inches separate us.

  “Did you just say indeed?” He asks with a wry smile. Even a little tipsy I know what he is doing so I narrow my eyes at him to emphasize my point.

  “Don’t try to be all charming and distracting Dr. Graham. Indeed is a perfectly fine word. And besides, I just found out my fiancé has been sleeping with that woman for 3 months. Indeed is far better than the language I feel like using in this moment.”

  “So you find me charming?” He persists. I try to give him a sarcastic look but I just find myself looking up into his amazingly blue eyes. I feel my heart rate start to quicken and breathing become shallower. I know I need to leave. Now. I turn around but his arm is around my waist and his palm rests on my belly as he leans in and whispers in my ear, “And distracting?”

  I think I hear a soft moan escape from my lips as I struggle to fight against the urges I am having. Every ounce of me wants to lean back against his chest and feel the length of his body against mine. I want to pull his arms tight around me and beg him not to let go. But instead I whisper. “I need to go.”

  “I’ll walk you home.” He whispers, his breath warm against my neck.

  “I’m not going home.” I lie. Not exactly sure why but trying to throw him off.

  “Then I’ll walk you wherever you go.” I hear him inhale as his breath moves slowly into my hair and then lingers on the back of my neck. I stand frozen in anticipation of contact, feeling his lips close.

  And then I panic, remembering the condition I am in. I spin back around, startling us both. “Oh my God, I’m filthy.”

  He considers me seriously for a moment and then his smile spreads slowly across his face. “Indeed...We should do something about that.” And suddenly I find myself over his shoulder being carried out of the bar. I look up to see several of my teammates laughing and James with a broad smile, shaking his head no and dramatically mouthing the words, “NOT AN ACT!”

  I’m sure I should be furious at being handled this way but I’m too surprised for anger. Instead, I find myself laughing. We step outside and I think for a moment that he is going to put me down.

  “You don’t want to go home?”

  “No!” I say a little too emphatically. I can picture the smile spreading across his face.

  “Well my suite at the hotel has a very nice bathtub...”

  “No!” I shout breathlessly. “Put me down!”

  “If you insist.” He does, but the method only makes things worse as he allows me to slowly slide down the front of his body. By the time the toes of my boots touch the ground my hands are clinging tightly to his biceps and I feel like I am pasted against him. Our thighs are touching, my chest is pressed hard against his, and I can feel his erection pressed against my belly. My entire body feels as if it is tingling and I’m afraid to breathe as I stare up
at him. I’m afraid to break the spell.

  “Distracted?” He whispers.

  “From what?” I answer. It takes a moment for my brain to kick back into gear and for me to remember what a horrible evening I’ve had.

  “Good.” He smiles sweetly. And then his smile changes again to mischievous. I resist my frantic urge to pull him to me when he pushes me back a few inches and looks down at his shirt.

  “Oh no.” He says teasingly. “Now I’m filthy too... You don’t want to go home. You don’t want to borrow my bath.” He looks back into my eyes and tucks a piece of my hair behind my ear. “You leave me no choice. Let’s run.” He grabs my hand and heads off towards campus.

  I find myself running along the length of the college green and there is part of me that is wondering why I am not resisting. I know that this is a mistake. He’s feeling sorry for me and I am just trying to get rid of the pain. I know that tomorrow we will likely both regret this and it will make our work life terribly uncomfortable. But in this moment I do not care. I’m filled with excitement and probably lust and I’m willing to completely give into it. I’m just happy. Running through the night with a beautiful man- happy.

  We cross onto the golf course and I realize where he is taking me. I come to an abrupt halt.

  “No.” I say incredulously. I try to look at him seriously but I can feel the grin on my face.

  “Oh yes.” Is his reply. He takes a step closer to me and reaches out but before he can touch me I take off at a full run towards the river. If we are going skinny dipping I want to be naked and in the water before he gets there. I start stripping when we reach the tree line but my boots are difficult to get off. As I finally pull the second one free he catches me and I feel myself being lifted and thrown by a naked Nathan. I actually squeal into the night before I crash into the water.

  The river is cool on my skin and only serves to buoy the joy that I am feeling. This should be one of the worst nights of my life but I only feel alive and happy. I dive back under and savor the feel of my hair across my back as I bring my face out of the water and look at the bright stars above. After a moment, I realize that I have lost track of Nathan. It’s dark in our little grove of trees so it takes me a minute to find him in the shadows. He is treading water about 8 feet away from me and just watching me play.

  “You’re beautiful.” He says warmly, and I feel his words start to wrap around me and pull me closer. I tread water and think about how to respond. Surely he knows that he has won already. No need for lines or feigned appreciation. I’m naked with him in a river. But before I can say anything he disappears under the water. I look across the water frantically, anticipation making my heart race. I let out a small scream as he grabs my hips and pulls me close a few inches in front of me.

  “So beautiful.” He whispers. “I was only trying to distract you from the pain. But I’m finding it hard to know when to stop. Tell me what you want. Tell me how you feel.”

  I look into his eyes and know that I have no interest in making this stop. “Well... I certainly feel cleaner.”

  We both smile. Everything is still for a moment as we look at each other, and then I feel his fingers tighten on my hips. He moves his hands slowly down as his thumbs trace the ridge of my hip. I feel warmth fill my belly and move down until I can feel my pulse between my legs. He hasn’t taken his eyes off of mine. I feel a catch in my breath as he pauses, his fingers resting on the small line where my legs meet my body.

  I slowly reach out and feel his body tense as I place my hand on his hips and trace the same path, my fingers exploring every contour and muscle, my eyes locked on his. My fingers tighten as I reach the top of his leg, unsure of what to expect.

  I realize in that moment that I have never had such an intense moment with a man before. I’ve only ever had sex with Christopher. It was always nice enough with him, but never this intense with this much focused attention.

  Nathan’s hands begin to move again, this time upward. They slide gently across my hips and to the contour of my waist, along my sides. He slides one hand gently to my back and with the other he traces the edge of my breasts. It feels like his finger tips are charged with electricity and I can feel my nipples harden as he traces between and his palm brushes my left breast. I begin to move my hands and follow his pattern. Enjoying the feel of his abs I move my hands higher until I feel the tightness of his chest. I continue up, sweeping into the small indentation before his collarbone. His hands grasp my breasts and his fingers slowly encircle my nipples and then pull gently.

  I bite my lower lip to hold in the moan and move my hands up his neck into his thick wet hair, pulling his head gently toward me. His forehead touches mine and then his nose. We pause there, my hands pulling at his hair, his fingers tugging gently at my nipple.

  All at once he moves his hand back down my side, over my hip and grips my leg tightly, wrapping it around his waist. His mouth is suddenly on mine and I am amazed at the softness of his lips and the urgency of his kiss. I pull him closer with my leg and he is pulling me tight with one arm and cradling my neck with the other hand. I feel like I am going to explode with pleasure in his arms- just as the sound of laughter comes crashing through the trees.

  Suddenly we are not alone in the water. I freeze, not sure how to respond to being caught in the moment. Nathan lowers me gently back into the water as I hear a voice calling my name.

  “Isabella? Is that you?” Eliana swims a little nearer. I turn around so that Nathan is behind me but lean back so that I don’t lose contact with his body. “It is you!” She pauses as she recognizes Nathan. “And the boy from the couch?” We both know that she knows his name. She’s just unwilling to make him feel too welcome.

  “What are you two doing here?” She eyes him suspiciously.

  Nathan’s voice is low and you can hear that he is breathing hard. “Well, Isabella was all hot and sweaty.” I shift in the water as his hand brushes the underside of be breast. “So we came here to clean off.”

  “From riding.” I add quickly. I am glad it is dark so she can’t see the shade of red I must be. Eliana looks at me for a moment and it is clear that she can see that I don’t need rescued. I give her what I hope is a reassuring smile and shrug.

  She gives me a sideways glance as she starts to swim away and adds, “You kids have fun. And Isabella, call me in the morning.”

  Before she turns completely away, Nathan pulls me back a few inches and moves his body upward. I am still trying to seem nonchalant to my friend but I feel his erection brush the inside of my thigh and the tip come to a rest on my already sensitive clit. I yelp in surprise and turn quickly, throwing water in his face as an instinct. I freeze, mouth wide, watching him to see what he will do. After a moment he opens his eyes.

  “Oh, now you’re really in trouble.” And he dives toward me. I scramble, laughing and screaming towards the bank and grab for my clothes as I make a run for it back through the trees. I manage to pull on my tank top before he tackles me in the middle of the fairway. Before I know it he has me pinned between his arms, the length of his body stretched out along mine and between my legs.

  “You’re naked.”

  “I am.”

  “You can’t run home naked Isabella.”

  “What do you suggest Nathan?” I answer impishly.

  He takes his eyes off me for a moment to look around and it gives me a moment to appreciate the feel of his weight against me. Neither of us have caught our breath yet and I can’t believe how alive I feel in this moment. I groan as he moves to stand but follow along when he pulls me toward a small stand of paper birches with a large bush guarding one side.

  “Here, we can get dressed here and then head back to my hotel.” He glances at me to see if I will say no and when I don’t he pulls his t-shirt over his head. When I don’t make a move to get dressed he stops and looks at me. He is so incredibly sexy, standing there half naked with his hair wet, the moonlight dancing over him. I am so caught up in the mo
ment, and so scared that waiting will ruin it. Before I can stop myself I throw myself at him.

  It catches him off guard and we are both falling toward the ground. As we land, he rolls me under him and I am suddenly flat on my back looking up again into his eyes. There is a moment of surprise there but it turns quickly into serious determination. His hands move over my shoulders and down my side and I gasp as he is suddenly kissing down my neck and over my breast. I’m lost in the sensation of his mouth on my nipple when he slides his hand lower and cups my sex.

  “You’re so wet. God I want to taste you.” He pauses and looks into my eyes. “Please can I taste you?”

  My small nod sends him kissing down the center of my stomach and then his beautiful mouth is sucking gently on my sex. His tongue circles around my swollen clit and then pushes urgently into me. I feel exposed there in the open and struggle to keep from moaning into the night but find it almost impossible as he beings to suck and nibble. In moments I am pushing my hips up against him and writhing in pleasure. I reach down and wrap my fingers into his hair and pull hard as my orgasm sends my body shaking to the edge of oblivion.

  “You taste like heaven.” He whispers as his kisses his way back up my body. I can taste myself on his tongue as he reaches my mouth and kisses me again deeply. I can feel the hunger of his body and want to do everything I can to give him even a fraction of the pleasure he has just given me. I wrap my leg around his waist and pull him firmly toward me.

  He studies my face like he is uncertain and for a moment I think that he is going to push away. I know that this is reckless and that I will probably regret it later but right now I just don’t want it to stop. If I am only going to have one night with him, I want to make sure I get the full experience. I squeeze my legs tighter around him and the groan I hear in response is reassuring. Nathan grabs his jeans and a condom from his wallet and I can’t help but stare as he puts it on. Every inch of him is perfect. And tonight he is all mine.

  Nathan lets out a long sigh as he enters me. My body is almost frantic with need as I feel him push gently deeper with each thrust. I can’t believe how full I feel, every nerve is electrified and I can feel my muscles clenching around him. He pushes in deeper and it feels like he has touched my core. I am suddenly weak with pleasure, it feels so good that it is almost painful and I am moaning and digging my fingers into his shoulders. Each thrust feels deeper and more complete and I feel like I am losing myself over and over. Without warning, my entire body shakes and clenches and I am overwhelmed with joy.