A Son's Vow

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  “But . . .”

  “Nee. I don’t want your forgiveness yet.”

  She couldn’t resist smiling. “Bruder, you have to stop telling me what to do. See, forgiveness doesn’t work that way.”

  “It should, though.” He sighed. “See, I forgot something when I was so eager to attach blame to someone for the fire.”

  “What was that?”

  “I forgot my vow.” After swallowing hard, he said, “When I graduated school, Daed took me for a long walk. He told me all about how my learning wasn’t done even though my days of sitting behind a small wooden desk were.”

  “I think I got that same talk.”

  “If you did, then you might have made the same vow I did.”

  “What did you promise?”

  “That I would be the best man I could be. That I would tend to our land and look after this family when the day came that he couldn’t.”

  “What did you say?”

  He straightened, kicking out his feet. “I promised him everything. I was cocky and full of myself and fourteen.” He rolled his eyes. “Who really thinks they know everything at fourteen?”

  “Pretty much everyone, I think.”

  “I suppose you’re right. But see, it don’t matter if I believed my promises or I simply said that I did. All that matters is that I made my vow and my daed believed it.” At last he faced her directly. “He died believing that I would honor it, Darla.”

  “You shouldn’t feel bad about that. I promised him much the same thing. I’m sure Patsy did, too.”

  He nodded. “I’m going to have to live with my failures for the rest of my life. But I want to make you another vow, right now.” He reached out a hand.

  She noticed it was shaking.

  Though her brain was sending out warning messages about how she shouldn’t trust him, about how it was too late to trust him, her heart was proclaiming a different story. Each beat seemed to bring with it a plea for her to believe him. Just like their father had believed in him.

  Now it seemed, it was up to her to decide where their relationship could go next. Instinctively, she knew that if she rebuffed him Aaron would understand. But he might also walk away and never reach out to her again.

  Her mouth went dry. Did she want that? Did she want to look back at herself years from now and wish that she’d done things differently?

  At last, she’d found her answer. She pressed her palm into his and couldn’t help but notice that she was shaking like a leaf. Just like him.

  Aaron shuddered in obvious relief.

  After he visibly regained his composure, he looked her directly in the eye again. “Darla, from now on, I will do my best to honor Daed and my vow to him. I am sorry for the pain I caused you. I can’t go back in time. All I can do is promise that I won’t hurt you again.”

  His words sounded as if they’d been pulled from his soul. But perhaps they were being guided by his heart as well?

  “I believe you, Aaron,” she said quietly.

  He blinked. “Already? Why?”

  “Because you might be your father’s son, but I am my father’s daughter. I want to believe in the best of you, too.”

  Her words hung in the air, then at last, settling between them, becoming part of the fabric of their lives. Darla knew that no matter how old she lived to be, she would always remember this moment as one of her finest.

  She knew because moments that were easy weren’t memorable. They didn’t last. It was the hard things, the challenges, the situations that took one’s pain and suffering and wrought something beautiful, that were the moments worth savoring. Those were what changed lives. And because of that, perhaps they were the only moments that truly mattered.

  Aaron blinked, showing her just how much her words had meant to him. “I love you, sister,” he whispered, his voice hoarse with emotion.

  Knowing she sounded much like him, she said the words that she needed to say just as much as he needed to hear. “I love you right back.”

  After a shared smile, they dropped their hands. Moments later, Aaron kicked his legs out and gazed out into the distance again. And so did she. But instead of moving apart, they stayed by each other’s side. Not talking. Not arguing. There was nothing more to say and far too much to remember.

  A DAY AFTER his life changed—this time for the better—Aaron returned to Hope Mast’s house.

  But before he was able to put one foot on Hope’s front steps, she walked out the front door. His heart started beating quickly as hopefulness sprung forth. Maybe everything hadn’t died between them. Or, rather, maybe he hadn’t killed it.

  As he took in her brown eyes and brown hair that was so light it looked more like burnished gold, he knew he’d do anything he could to keep her.

  If it wasn’t too late.

  He’d at last realized that he wanted—no, needed—her forgiveness more than anything. He wanted that even more than he wanted to forget his mistakes for the past few months.

  She was his future, and he was going to be lost if she wasn’t a part of it.

  But it was now her turn. For too long he’d been the one saying all the words. He’d been making all the decisions. Now it was her turn. So he stood silently and watched her. Preparing himself for her decision. This was either going to be the beginning of the next chapter of their life together, or the end of it.

  Either way, he figured that this moment was always going to stay with him.

  “What are you doing here, Aaron?”

  “I needed to see you.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I wanted to listen to what you had to say.”

  She inhaled sharply. “Do you really want to hear me, or are you just saying that?”

  Because he hated towering over her, he sat down on the steps, allowing her to look down on him. “I really want to hear you. I’m listening.”

  Long seconds of silence seemed to drag as she stared at him again. Never had he seen her look so cautious or so disappointed. He missed the smile she used to have whenever he was near.

  Finally, she sat down, too. She remained four steps above him, though. He was glad of it. He thought he was going to need the space to wrap his head around whatever she was going to say. He was now pretty sure that she was about to break up with him for good.

  “Aaron, when I heard about Hannah, I realized that I’ve been living a lie with you.”

  “You weren’t.”

  She fastened a hard glare on him. “Let me speak.”

  “Sorry.”

  “When I heard that you had jerked Hannah’s arm right in the middle of the street, I was stunned. But what was more stunning was that I seemed to be the only person surprised by your actions.” She shifted, resting her head in her hands and her elbows on her knees. “It seems that everyone else has known that you’ve had a terrible time with your temper and that you’ve been taking it out on your family most of all.”

  He couldn’t deny it. Aaron nodded, hating how miserable her words made him feel. Shame engulfed him.

  “This bothers me, Aaron. Family counts for most everything, don’t you think?”

  He cleared his throat, or attempted to, because it was suddenly dry. “Jah.”

  “It pains me to imagine that Darla was actually afraid of you. And that Lukas Kinsinger needed to talk to you more than once about your treatment of her.”

  “I guess you’ve been hearing a lot of stories about me.”

  Hope sighed. “I’ve been hearing a lot of things that were a surprise.” Looking at him intently, she said, “Aaron, did you ask people to keep secrets from me? Or did folks just decide to keep me in the dark all on their own?”

  “I’m not sure what happened. I didn’t ask anyone to lie to you, though.”

  “Are you sure about that?”

  “Jah,” he said quickly.

  Her eyes narrowed. “I’m sorry, but I don’t know if I can believe you.”

  “You can. Of course you can, Hope.”

/>   Looking crushed, she shook her head. “Are you ready to tell me the truth, even if it’s something you know I’m not going to want to hear or agree with?”

  “I want to.” He yearned to say that he’d tell her the truth no matter what happened, but he wasn’t sure he could make that promise. What if there came a time when he could shield her from pain? Would he keep something from her in order to save her from getting hurt?

  “You want to?” she asked incredulously. “That’s the best you can do?”

  “I want to be completely honest with you. And that is why I’m afraid to tell you that I always will be, no matter what. But I will make you a promise, Hope. I will promise you that I will do my very best to be honest with you. I don’t want to lose you.”

  “Do you think we still have a future?”

  “I want one. I don’t want to think of a future without you in it. I’d be lost without you,” he admitted. There, he was as honest as he could possibly be. He’d laid his feelings and hopes out there.

  “What are you going to do about the people you’ve hurt?”

  “I’m going to continue to apologize. I’ve talked to Darla and asked for her forgiveness. I spoke to Hannah, and her family, too.” Inwardly, he cringed, remembering the look of disgust her father had cast his way. It was no less than he deserved, though.

  Because she was listening, he kept talking. “I’m going to talk to the preachers some more, too. But mainly, I realized that I was hurting my father’s memory by holding on to my anger. I was so filled with pain, sure the Lord had beseeched me, but I’ve come to realize that it isn’t my duty to avenge a wrong. Especially when there wasn’t a wrong. It was a terrible accident. That is all.”

  “I . . . I could go with you on your future visits, if you would like my company.”

  “I would love your company, but you don’t need to do that. I don’t want to burden you with my problems any more than I already have.”

  “It wouldn’t be a burden. I want to.”

  “Why would you want to?”

  “Because, I think your fiancée should be by your side to support you. For better or worse.”

  She still wanted to be his fiancée. He almost fell to his knees in relief. He’d come over, hoping she would still agree to talk to him. Never had he believed that Hope would believe in his future enough to honor their engagement. “Does that mean you’ve forgiven me?”

  Slowly, she nodded. “I think it does.” She exhaled. “I don’t want to rush into marriage anymore, though. I want to make sure we are both ready for it.”

  “But you’ll still be my girl?”

  “Jah. I will still be yours.” Slowly, she smiled. And at last he saw the warmth that had always been in her gaze. There she was. His girl. His hope. His everything.

  “Danke, Hope,” he said around a sigh. “I know I don’t deserve you, but I will one day. Somehow, some way, I’ll make myself into the man you believe I can be. I promise you that.”

  The compassion he saw shining in her eyes was beautiful. “We already deserve each other, Aaron,” she said softly. “I love you, you love me. And because of that, we’ll make things work. I know that, without a doubt.”

  And because he knew she didn’t lie, because he knew she was Hope, Aaron let himself believe her.

  Epilogue

  Six weeks later

  School was out, the temperatures had risen, and the days were longer. As Darla walked along the main road from her house to the post office, she couldn’t help but stop every few moments and appreciate her surroundings. The air was thick with chatter from birds, the ringing of machinery in fields, and the clip-clop of horses on the pavement.

  Charm’s rolling hills were either vibrant green or dark black dirt. Dotting the fields were plows and teams of Percherons. Closer to the road were several farmhouses and small cottages available for lease. Front yards were filled with snapdragons and daffodils and flowering pear trees as well as long lines of bright laundry fluttering in the breeze.

  Summer had arrived in Charm and it was beautiful.

  Or maybe it hadn’t just arrived. Maybe it had been developing all along, little by little, washing the area in bright color, and it was only Darla who had just opened her eyes to it.

  She supposed she’d had an excuse; things had been mighty busy.

  Though their mother was still gone, she and her siblings had finally settled into a regular routine. Patsy helped out even more, Maisie looked after Gretel when she could, and Samuel and Evan now helped Aaron in the fields without complaint.

  And Aaron? Well, Aaron had changed the most! He was still getting counseled by the bishop. Those talks, together with Hope’s belief in him, had worked wonders. He was hardworking and at peace. He’d gone through their father’s things, realized that their father had been something of a farm equipment hoarder, and held a tent auction. Everyone who had attended was very generous. The money collected had gone toward their bills, living expenses, and savings. In addition, he was helping out at a neighboring dairy farm. That extra money, along with Darla’s income, kept the family firmly afloat.

  Things were going to be all right. For all of them, it seemed.

  When she turned the corner to head to the post office, she spotted Lukas standing outside the door, leaning against the brick wall, one of his feet braced up against it. Looking like he hadn’t a care in the world.

  “Lukas? What are you doing here?”

  “Waiting for you.”

  “Why?” She pushed back the rush of happiness and tried to tamp it down with reality. “Is something wrong?”

  “Nope.” He grinned.

  “Then?” Goodness, his lazy smile and short answers made this conversation like pulling teeth!

  “Obviously, I wanted to talk to you. And since you are surrounded by too many people at your house, I figured this was the best place for us to speak privately.”

  “I am supposed to start working soon. We can’t talk too long.”

  He shrugged. “If everyone has to wait, then they have to wait. Come on, Darla. Let me in.”

  She pulled out her keys and tried not to notice that her hands were shaking.

  After she’d refused Lukas’s proposal the night after he’d visited Aaron, Lukas had backed off a bit.

  Oh, he hadn’t been distant, but he hadn’t flirted with her, either. It was as if he’d pushed them firmly back into being just friends. Ironically, she hadn’t liked that. She’d missed his touches, his teasing comments, even those heated glances he’d sent her from time to time.

  But today, it seemed that had changed. He was staring at her intently. It seemed they were moving away from being just friends again. Glancing at him, she tried to guess what he was up to now.

  But instead of giving her another sign, he merely held out a hand.

  “Here. Let me.” He took the keys from her, sorted through the ring, then finally inserted the proper key into the door. It unlocked easily.

  “Um, this is a government office. Only I should be doing these things.”

  “I won’t tell a soul if you don’t,” he said over his shoulder as he opened the door and guided her inside. The moment she walked through, he closed it behind her and locked it again.

  “Lukas!”

  “I meant it. I want to talk to you and I don’t want to be interrupted.”

  After setting her tote and handbag on the counter, she folded her arms across her chest and attempted to look irritated. “Well, you have me now. Say what you need to say.”

  But instead of being cowed by her stance, he laughed. “Oh, I will,” he said as he stood directly in front of her.

  She bit her lip and stared at him.

  “Darla, you ready to listen?”

  “I am.”

  He exhaled, looking pleased. “First off, I want you to know that I don’t regret asking you to marry me so many times.”

  “If you don’t, then why did you stop?”

  “I realized you needed time. I wan
ted to give that to you.”

  “That was . . . That was mighty kind of you.”

  He shrugged. “It was nothing. I want to make you secure and happy, Darla. After all, that’s what love is, right?”

  Wait. Love? “Lukas, did you just say—”

  “Darla, hold on a sec, wouldja? I practiced my speech and I’m sort of on a roll right now.”

  Still kind of stunned, she dropped her hands. “Is that right?”

  Looking earnest, he nodded. “Yep. You see, you might not know it, but I figure I’ve been in love with you for some time. Years.”

  “Years?”

  “Jah,” he said, still looking as if he was intent on stating his piece. “However, I wasn’t sure if you felt the same way, or if what I felt was merely friendship.”

  “I feel—”

  “Darla, I know you like to talk, but let me finish this, okay?”

  “All right,” she said around a smile.

  “Danke.” His gaze turned tender as he lifted a hand and carefully brushed his palm against the curve of her jaw. “Um, as I was saying, I’ve loved you for a long time, but after the fire . . . well, everything went astray.”

  “I think I went astray for a while, too,” she revealed. “I let all the pain in my heart cloud what I saw right before my eyes.”

  Lukas nodded. “We let so many people tell us what we should be feeling that we lost track of how important our feelings really were. That our feelings mattered, too.” After taking a fortifying breath, he continued. “Darla, I’m just going to say this. I don’t know what really happened that day of the fire. I don’t know if I could have done a better job organizing everything in the warehouse. I don’t know if Paul could have called for help sooner or if my daed should have acted more quickly or if your daed really did make a mistake. All I do know is that our fathers would not have wanted us to still be dwelling on it.”

  “I agree. Our fathers were the kind of men who appreciated each day. Who enjoyed living. Who enjoyed love and family and life.”

  “So, will you let me love you every day?”

  “I will.”

  His expression warmed as his voice softened. “Will you let me court you, the way a lady like you deserves to be courted?”