A Relationship...Or Something Like It

by Greene, Caroline

  I smile weakly and turn my attention to the event which is about to begin.

  After the first day’s events are done, I am expected to stay around and interview the top three teams. Individual gymnast events are tomorrow. Lucy’s team received a respectable silver medal with Lucy putting up a spectacularly high score on vault. I watch Frank and his parents beam with pride at her accomplishment. It makes me sad that I have to let him go. He is a decent man and a good father to his daughter and would be to any other children he may have in the future. I know that as comfortable as that life would be, I don’t think he is the right one and eventually, probably sooner than later, I am going to have to let him go.

  The press is wrapping up their interviews as the moderators signal their end so the gymnasts can get their rest for the second day of competition. Frank, Lucy, and his parents walk over to me. I am introduced to Mr. and Mrs. Brownstein who seem pleased to meet me. They reassure Frank that they are going to take Lucy back to the suite to celebrate and order room service as it is always something she has wanted to do. I give the girl a hug and tell her that she did a great job and wish her luck for tomorrow. I watch the little girl and her grandparents walk away.

  Frank turns to me and smiles.

  “Let’s get going. I made reservations at this seafood place that got excellent reviews!”

  He takes my hand and walks me down to the parking lot. He asks,

  “Do you want to drive your car back to the hotel first or tomorrow I can just drive you back here?”

  I swallow, knowing what might be on his mind.

  “I may have to get there early again to set up, so it’s best you follow me to the hotel before we eat.”

  He nods and gives me a kiss before letting me get in my car. He follows me back to the hotel, and I feel a sense of dread for what he expects to happen in the evening ahead. I park my car, and he parks next to me, opening the door for me, and gesturing to come inside. He holds my hand, and we drive to the restaurant.

  Dinner is pleasant enough. He is excited to talk about the gymnastics meet and how much progress Lucy has made since she started with this coach. He looks over at me.

  “You look tired. It must have been a long week for you. It’s too bad between the visit with your parents and catching up at work we haven’t had much time together.”

  I nod.

  “Yes, it was a very tiring week. Then when I got back I had to do my research to prepare for this meet.”

  The restaurant has a very romantic ambience with lots of candlelight and even a string quartet playing in the background. He is in a cheerful mood with the success of the first day, and he talks about future meets and the highlights of today’s event.

  “Can you believe how high she got up there for that flip on the vault? And that landing!”

  I smile and agree that she is very talented. He gazes into my eyes.

  “Abigail, so much of my energy has been spent on raising Lucy since Juliette died so unexpectedly. Meeting you was a surprise. You don’t know how hard I had to work up the courage to call you that first time, but I am glad I did.”

  He reaches under the table and rubs the top of my thigh. I just swallow nervously and try to smile. I know that he expects more than a peck on the lips tonight. We order a piece of their signature chocolate cake with two forks. He is sitting close to me in the booth, constantly touching me, his leg next to mine, and his arm around my shoulder. The waitress brings the check. He leans over and says in my ear,

  “What do you say we get out of here?”

  Chapter 39: The Deciding Moment

  We drive back to the hotel, and Frank is holding my hand. He continues to hold it as we take the elevator up to my room. We reach my door, and I open my room with the key. He looks at me and asks,

  “May I come in?”

  I consider saying no and that I have a headache, but I know that would be the coward’s way out and part of me almost wants to be pleasantly surprised by feelings that I did not realize because it would make things so much easier so instead, I nod.

  He follows me into the room, and he puts his arms around me. Frank kisses me more deeply than in the three months we have been seeing each other. He puts his tongue in my mouth and rubs my back, making circles with his hand. The kiss, unfortunately, is of the variety I have been used to with one exception, a little too wet; in fact, I feel his teeth digging into the bottom of my lip. I feel out of breath and an urgent need to come up for air.

  He does not notice my discomfort. Instead, he wraps his arm around my shoulders and leads me to the bed. We both sit down, and he gives me another deep, wet kiss with lots of tongue. He un-tucks the shirt from my pants and reaches underneath to feel my breasts through my bra. Frank gently nudges me so that we are both lying down on the bed. He kisses me again, another almost gagging affair with his tongue thrusting deeply in my mouth. I just feel numb. I want to stop this before it goes any further but instead, I just lay there and let him kiss me until I can’t stand it anymore. I break away and gasp for air. I think he mistakes my reaction for desire because he removes my shirt and then his own and starts caressing my breasts. I am getting more and more uncomfortable by the minute. He kisses the back of my neck and then down along the base of my spine. He is lying face down on top of my back, and I feel him growing hard in his pants. Frank pulls away from me and reaches for the button on his pants. This is all becoming way too real. I sit up suddenly and yell,

  “No! I am sorry! This cannot happen. I am not ready for this.”

  He looks up surprised.

  “It’s okay, Abigail,” he misinterprets. “I have protection. I was going to get it from my wallet.”

  I get up off the bed, walk away, and stand by the window.

  “I am sorry,” I say sobbing now. “I am not ready for this at all yet. This is too much, too soon. I should have said something sooner. I like you a lot, but I think you need to start seeing other people.”

  I hate to see the hurt expression on Frank’s face, but I am relieved that this is finally out in the open. He tries to put his arm around me, and I shrug it off. He protests.

  “What is going on Abigail? Am I pressuring you too much? We don’t have to do this. We can just cuddle and kiss and fall asleep together if you are more comfortable with that.”

  I feel guilty hearing his understanding and compassion.

  “I should have said something earlier, but I needed to know for sure. I like you a lot. I think you are a great person, but I am still not over what happened last year. I just don’t feel for you the way you deserve for somebody to feel.”

  I cannot stand the way he is looking at me with his sad eyes.

  “I am very sorry I led you on. I think you should go now.”

  Frank looks at me and takes a deep breath.

  “I’ll call you, and we’ll talk about this another time.”

  I look up at him with tears still in my eyes.

  “I am sorry. I think it is best that you move on. It’s not you. I am just not ready to have these feelings for somebody.”

  That was the last time I spoke to him. I see him the next day at the meet, sitting with his parents. He looks tired and has bags under his eyes from lack of sleep. I feel bad for doing what I needed to but if I want to be true to myself and the feelings I hope to find with someone someday, it had to be done. I will miss his friendship. He is a good person and deserves somebody who will appreciate everything that he is.

  He looks over at the press box as I am interviewing all the winners. Lucy takes a gold in vault and a silver in balance beam, and I have to go over to her to get her reaction. Frank keeps his distance, and I feel bad to see the sadness in his eyes. I know that he will get over this quickly and find somebody who deserves him.

  Chapter 40: Fix Ups

  After breaking up with Frank, I decide to take a break from dating. This was something I should have stuck to a long time ago. My life consists of going to work, spending time with my roommates a
nd my neighbors who live two doors down, and visiting my grandma. I spend a lot of my free time driving up to her condo, taking her out to lunch, driving her on her errands and doctor’s appointments, and making sure her medications are in order. Frank tried calling me again a few times after that weekend but within a couple of weeks, he finally gave up.

  My roommates are concerned about me. Jessica complains,

  “You are such a hermit lately. So Frank wasn’t right for you. Maybe there is somebody else who is. David has a few friends, and I can ask him...”

  I cut her off.

  “No thank you! Trying to date before I was over my feelings for Kyle is what got me in trouble in the first place.”

  Miranda’s assignments lately have been covering the engagements and weddings of prominent members of the community. When another gymnastics meet assignment comes up, she generously offers to trade her coverage of the wedding of a wealthy real estate mogul and an heiress in the diamond industry for my meet. I accept her offer with relief. She later reports back,

  “You don’t have to worry about Frank any longer. He was with an attractive woman, and they were holding hands as they were watching Lucy.”

  All I can feel is relief that he has moved on.

  I continue to lead a quiet lifestyle and am content. My friends, family, and work are all I need right now to stay on an even keel. Not focusing on dating and concentrating on things that make me happy are all I need right now.

  Our neighbors have another potluck dinner in honor of my 23rd birthday. I, Rick, and Susan are invited as well as the roommates. I don’t know Susan as well as they do, but she is very friendly, and I am happy that she is invited. Her’s and Rick’s moods are very festive and happy, and I feel cheered up and a little bit more out of my funk. She is gesturing wildly with her hands.

  “Wait a minute,” Miranda cries out. “What is that on your finger?”

  Susan giggles with pure happiness.

  “That’s right! We’re engaged! He took me out to a romantic dinner last night and proposed.”

  We all rush to hug and congratulate them. Susan is bursting with excitement.

  “My parents are throwing us a poolside engagement party at their home, and you are all invited!”

  Then one of our hosts finds some champagne under the bar and pours it into glasses, and we all toast to their happiness.

  Susan’s parents’ house is in a nice neighborhood about half an hour from where we live. Miranda’s family lives around the block, as does Cara’s, and they are all invited, too. I make polite conversation with them, and they let me know that because I am so far away from home, I am welcome to come to dinner whenever they invite their daughters. I am asking them questions about what they do for a living and an upcoming trip that Cara’s parents are planning to take when Kathryn calls me over to where she is talking to Evan and another man who looks to be in his early 20s like me. I tell the two older couples that it was nice talking to them and walk over to where Kathryn is standing.

  Kathryn and Evan look at each other.

  “Abigail, this is Evan’s roommate, Adam. He is earning his MBA at the university.”

  The four of us make small talk for a few minutes until Evan and Kathryn make noise about checking out the buffet. Adam and I stand alone in silence for a few minutes. I check him out. He is average looking, with pasty skin, and is very short, about my height. He smiles and says,

  “Kathryn tells me you’re single, and she wanted us to meet. So tell me, are you a JAP (Jewish American Princess) because I can’t stand that.”

  I am taken aback by his brazenness. Maybe he is just nervous. I decide to give him the benefit of the doubt and be polite. I am not sure if I am ready to be out there after my one month sabbatical. I answer politely,

  “I don’t think I am a JAP, but you need to decide that for yourself.”

  I sneeze. I am expecting a polite bless you, but Adam looks at me in a panic.

  “Oh my goodness! I hope you don’t have a cold! I better go and wash my hands. It was nice meeting you. We will talk again another time.”

  I walk over to Kathryn and Evan who are eating cheese and crackers.

  “Kathryn, what were you thinking? I am not really dating right now, and I don’t think he’s my type anyway.”

  Evan chuckles.

  “Adam may seem a little neurotic at first, but he is a good guy.”

  I spend the rest of the evening walking around the pool and making sure Adam doesn’t corner me for a conversation.

  One week after the party, Kathryn approaches me in the kitchen.

  “Evan tells me that Adam really likes you. You should give him a chance. Evan is ordering pizza tomorrow, and we were planning to rent a movie. We were thinking that you and Adam could join us.”

  I think about the socially awkward man and some of his outspoken comments.

  “Come on,” says Kathryn. “You haven’t really been out since Frank. You need to get over things and start dating again. Adam really is a nice guy. Give him a chance.”

  I have my misgivings, but I agree to go. I bake chocolate chip cookies, and Kathryn brings a bottle of wine, and we drive over to Evan’s and Adam’s apartment together.

  The evening is actually fun as I spend most of my time talking to Kathryn and Evan. Evan talks about his job in the stock market, and Kathryn tells a funny story about a co-worker. Adam chimes in with an occasional crude remark which I ignore. He is trying to make an effort, though. He tells me that he has read some of my articles and that he enjoys them. He asks me a lot of good questions and then tells me about some of the business courses he is taking. It turns out that he is a friend of Evan’s younger brother and is my age, six months younger than me. This accounts for some of his immaturity, I think.

  At the end of the evening, Adam walks me to my car as Kathryn has decided to spend the night. He shakes my hand firmly.

  “It was nice seeing you again. Would you be interested in brunch on Sunday?”

  I think about it a moment and decide that maybe Kathryn is right, and I need to get myself out there again. I end up accepting. We decide on meeting at a popular place in Coconut Grove.

  Two days later, I am fighting for parking in Coconut Grove for my brunch date. Adam has not arrived yet, and I get us a table. Ten minutes after I am seated, he walks in. He tells me that the buffet is great and when the waiter comes over, he orders for both of us. I would have preferred a bagel and cream cheese and a cup of coffee but decide not to argue. Our conversation is still and awkward. My hair is frizzing in the humid air, and I reach over and smooth it down. Adam touches it.

  “Oh my goodness! It feels just like brillo!”

  I cannot wait for this meal to be done. The waiter comes by with the bill, and Adam looks at me.

  “Do you mind going Dutch with me? I am a little bit short on cash.”

  I pull out my wallet, glad that I stopped for money earlier. I think to myself, ‘I am wasting my money to spend time with this loser when I would rather be alone?’

  Adam walks me to my car. I decide that I need to be completely up front with him so there is no misunderstanding or getting hurt down the road.

  “Look,” I say. “I really think you are a nice guy, but I really just want to be friends right now.”

  He replies, “That is fine, I can always use friends. What are you doing for Passover? My parents are out of town, so I was planning to go to the Hillel House for their Seder.”

  I was planning on going with Jessica and David, and I figure that letting him sit with us wouldn’t hurt.

  Adam sits at our table at the Seder. He further emphasizes that he is not my type at all when Jessica, David, and I talk about an experimental, independent film festival on campus that we want to go to, and Adam chimes in about how he loved the latest action/adventure movie showing at the theater. I am relieved when he starts talking to the freshman who is sitting diagonal from us. He later comes over to me.

  “You don’t m
ind that I asked her out, do you? Diana seems like she’s interested.”

  I give him a big smile.

  “Diana, huh? She sounds absolutely perfect for you. My destiny is to help men find their Diana! Go right ahead.”

  Jessica laughs at me.

  “That is why I like to pick my own dates!”

  She pauses for a moment.

  “If you are interested, between David and me, we know enough lawyers to fulfill any Jewish mother’s dream!”

  I grin. “Thanks, but no thanks. I think I’m adopting your dating approach considering it worked so well for you!”

  A few days later, Miranda and I are working together on the layout of the Advertising section.

  “Look!”

  She shows me an ad. It is a local synagogue advertising a dating program called the B’Shert Finder.

  “What is B’Shert?”

  I explain to Miranda, “It is the Hebrew word for destiny, soul mate.”

  She laughs, “Well, I think you should give it a try. I know you are not heartbroken over Adam!”

  I go to the synagogue, and they explain the process to me. I am to fill out a profile form and submit a recent photograph. Then, I am eligible to go through the spiral book of available men and fill out a card stating that I am interested in meeting them. In turn, men can look through their own spiral binder of available women. If one decides to meet me, then he sends me a card. Once the cards are exchanged, you can either reject or accept and leave a phone number for contact. I decide I have nothing to lose, pay the small fee, and sign up.

  I go through the book and find three men that I think could have potential. Josh is a 28-year-old stockbroker who enjoys the beach and hanging out with friends. Zane is in advertising, is 29, and his hobby is gourmet cooking. Finally, Louis is 31 and a doctor. Within a week, I get a rejection from Josh and Louis, but Zane accepts. There are also two men who have sent me cards, and I go over to the synagogue to view their profiles. Eric, who I thought too good looking to ever be interested in me when I first looked at the book, is 26 and an engineer. Rich is 38 and an electrician. Rich, I reject out of hand, deciding I have had enough with older men, and I don’t want to be a transition woman who makes him feel better about himself before he breaks my heart.