Dane

by Leddy Harper

  He didn’t deserve anything after what he did to Gabi.

  So many lives had been changed by him.

  Her life hadn’t been the same since.

  Mine hadn’t. His family’s lives hadn’t.

  I scanned the information below the photos and learned Sean had killed himself a few days ago. I couldn’t help but be relieved over the news. No matter how bad it sounded, I was glad he was dead. I had never been thankful for the death of anyone before, but he deserved it. He was found by his mother in his room, hung in the closet. Fucking coward. He left behind a note declaring his innocence over the charges that had plagued him, followed him everywhere, and he couldn’t live with them anymore.

  After all these years, he still tried to claim his innocence. I couldn’t believe it. A jury had found him guilty, as they should have, and he’d served his time—which in my opinion wasn’t long enough. The pain and destruction he caused Gabi would remain for a lifetime. She would never forget what he had done to her, and neither would I. It pissed me off to no end knowing he still denied it. It pissed me off even more that he’d killed himself and no longer had to deal with the fallout of his criminal indiscretion.

  My anger got the best of me and I slammed the lid of the laptop shut. It startled Gabi awake. She sat straight up and reached for the computer as if to hide it. As if she didn’t want me to see what was on it.

  “Gabi, baby…it’s okay.” I tried to soothe her when the tears started. They filled her large brown eyes and cascaded down her cheeks in a race against time. With her face in my hands, I lowered my forehead to hers and whispered, “It’s over. It’s all over now. He’s gone.”

  Instead of comforting her, it only seemed to make things worse. She pulled away from me and covered her face with her hands, sobbing loudly. Her shoulders jumped with every hiccup, and the more she cried, the more she curled into herself.

  “What’s going on, Gabs? Talk to me. Why are you so upset?”

  “He killed himself. He’s dead.” Her words were muffled, but they weren’t impossible to hear. Except, they didn’t make any sense. The bastard’s death should’ve offered her some peace of mind, but instead, it seemed to cause her more anguish.

  “I know…I know. I’m mad, too. He’s a coward who ended his life instead of facing what he did to you.”

  “No!” Gabi dropped her hands and stared at me with wide, glistening eyes. Her shoulders were hunched forward and her knees drawn tightly against her chest. This was a woman on the verge of falling apart. “You don’t get it. It’s my fault he died. I’m the one who ruined his life.”

  Her words stunned me into silence and I couldn’t manage to pull myself together fast enough to say anything. When she couldn’t catch her breath through her tears, I knew I had to come up with something. I had to do something to calm her down. I rubbed her back in soothing circles and said, “It wasn’t your fault. He’s the monster. He ruined his own life when he raped you, Gabriella.”

  I hated saying “rape” in front of her—I knew how sensitive she was about the word, but her therapist had urged us to use the word. Calling it anything other than what it was only pacified the situation. She needed to face what had happened to her, and that wouldn’t take place if we skated around the issue.

  But that didn’t seem to calm her in the slightest. She wiped her face and scooted away from me. “He killed himself because he couldn’t get a job, he couldn’t get his own house, he couldn’t do anything. He had to register as a sex offender, for God’s sake. And it’s all because of me!”

  I reached out and touched her knee, trying to offer her as much support as she’d take. “Gabriella, listen to me. It’s not your fault. He couldn’t get a job or a house because of his actions. Not yours. He was a monster and that’s why his life went the way it did. You have to stop blaming yourself. Please. You did nothing wrong.”

  I hated talking about it because all it did was bring up the memories of that horrible day.

  The day she stopped answering my calls and never showed up at school.

  The day I rushed to her house before the lunch bell rang.

  The day I nearly lost everything.

  I’d thought about killing him that day. And talking about it only made me wish he were still alive so I could knock on his door and put a bullet in his skull.

  “I told the police he raped me.” Her throaty voice, filled with immeasurable sorrow, abraded over me and left me physically hurting for her.

  “That’s why you’re blaming yourself? You think if you hadn’t told anyone he wouldn’t have killed himself? Gabi, listen to me.” I caressed her face and waited until I had her attention before continuing. “If you didn’t turn him in, then he would’ve ended up hurting someone else. Who knows how many girls he might’ve attacked had you not gone to the cops with the truth. He killed himself because he’s a coward who couldn’t handle people knowing the truth about him.”

  Her face scrunched up as more silent tears came. When I went to wipe them away, she shoved my hand aside, then held it on top of the bed. I waited—for what, I wasn’t sure, but I knew she needed a moment to compose herself.

  When her breathing had returned enough for her to speak, she opened her mouth. Words came out. Words that made no sense. I heard them, but they wouldn’t register in my head. It was like watching a foreign film with the captions on. You see the words, but they’re meaningless. Another language. Nothing but letters connecting to form sentences that don’t make any sense.

  “Did you hear me, Dane?”

  I blinked, unable to move, and tried to process it all. “Yeah, I heard you. But I don’t know what you mean.”

  “I lied, Dane. I ruined his life. It is my fault he’s dead, because he never raped me.”

  Suddenly, her hand on mine scorched my skin. Fire licked up my arm, charred my neck, and set my entire being ablaze. Anger, confusion, complete and utter shock hit me all at once. Again, her words jumbled in my mind, not fully translating. Disbelief blinded me to the meaning.

  I snatched my hand away and stood up. I stared at her, desperately trying to get the fog in my head to clear. “You lied?” As soon as I spoke, the confusion cleared, and her confession rang in my head like alarm bells. “You lied?” I screamed.

  Gabi flinched, but I didn’t have it in me to care.

  “You fucking lied, Gabriella? He never raped you?” My heart stopped beating while waiting for her reaction. I was desperate for her to say I’d misunderstood. That I’d somehow heard her wrong. But instead of telling me that, she nodded, confirming the worst. “So you told the cops he raped you, told the judge, the jury, the entire courtroom, and me”—I slapped my chest with my open palm to punctuate my words—“that he raped you, when he didn’t? You put a man behind bars for no fucking reason?”

  I took a step back. She reached out for me with tears lining her face, and I took another step away. Before I knew it, I was in the doorway, ready to flee. The sight of her disgusted me. The thought of her made me want to punch a wall. I couldn’t fathom all the years I’d stayed by her side, supported her, pulled her out of the darkest shadows of her depression, and the entire time, it’d all been a lie.

  “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” I seethed through clenched teeth.

  “Dane,” she pleaded, still reaching for me. “Let me explain.”

  “Are you kidding me?” I screamed with my hands in the air, preventing her from speaking. “There’s nothing to explain, Gabi. Nothing!” Everything had been a lie. All of it. I couldn’t process anything while looking at her. It only made me angrier.

  She sat on the edge of the bed, her legs tucked beneath her, and regarded me with large, pleading eyes. It was too much. I’d fallen for that expression too many times, and I refused to do it again. I had to leave, to get away from her presence before I exploded and did something I’d end up regretting.

  “Where are you going?” Gabi called out after I turned around, heading to our room.

 
“I’m going to work.”

  The pitter-patter of her feet on the hardwood floor followed me, catching up to me right before I made it to the room. “Will you be back? Will you talk to me when you come home? We need to talk, Dane. I need you to listen to me.”

  I spun on my heel, taking her off guard, and leaned into her face. “I’m not coming home. I can’t be here with you. I’m not interested in listening to your lies anymore, Gabriella. I’m done. I’ve stayed this entire time for you.” My voice was low and gritty, my feelings not going unnoticed. “I’m done.”

  Without giving her a moment to respond, I turned around and slammed the door closed behind me. The entire room tilted and I felt as if I weren’t in my body. As if I were nothing but a bystander watching this all take place. I wasn’t in control of my actions, and certainly not my thoughts. I had tunnel vision from the time I snatched the duffel bag from the closet until the time I zipped it up, not caring what clothes I’d grabbed and thrown inside. I didn’t even know where I’d stay or for how long. All I knew was I needed to get out of here. I needed to be away from Gabi.

  And I needed her to be gone before I returned.

  My dress shirt was more than likely wrinkled, and my slacks creaseless. But I didn’t care. I couldn’t even remember putting the clothes on, let alone tying my tie or shoes. Somehow, in a daze, I’d gotten dressed for work, and by the time my brain caught up to my actions, I was in the doorway with my bag in hand.

  Gabi was on the couch, staring at me with swollen eyes and puffy cheeks.

  “I’ll be back Sunday afternoon.” I ignored the hope in her eyes and continued. “When I get back, you need to be gone. Take everything you want. The couch you’ve cried into for months. The bed I’ve had to drag you out of more times than I can count. The box of papers chronicling the lie you’ve lived for half your life. All of it…none of it. I don’t care, just as long as you’re not here.”

  “I have nowhere to go, Dane.” Grief dripped from every word, although it did nothing for me.

  “That’s not my problem.” I headed for the front door and said, “You’re not my problem anymore,” under my breath. And then I left. Walked out. Let the door close behind me and moved on. Like I should’ve done so long ago. Like I’d desperately wanted to do yesterday.

  But now I could do so with a clean conscience.

  Now I was free of the binds that had held me prisoner for over ten years of my life.

  “Morning, Mr. Kauffmann,” Gina greeted me when I walked into the lobby.

  Ignoring the running joke of her refusal to call me Dane, I barked, “Morning.” I barely glanced at her, but it was enough to recognize the offense in her blue eyes caused by my clipped tone. I had to disregard the pang in my chest at the sight. I didn’t want to hurt her. I didn’t want to upset her. She was like a mother to me at the office, but I couldn’t push my anger aside long enough to correct it.

  I made a mental note to give her a gift, possibly a bonus or an extra paid vacation. Once my head cleared, I’d have to remember to have two dozen yellow roses—her favorite—and some Godiva chocolates delivered to her, as well as personally offer her my sincerest apologies.

  When my head cleared.

  In the meantime, I stalked back to my office to spend hours alone in silence.

  I sat at my desk, blankly staring at the same piece of paper for God knows how long. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. The words on the page were nothing but black letters, blurring and blending together until I saw nothing more than symbols that didn’t represent anything. The only thoughts running through my mind were of the anger and pure disgust I felt toward Gabi.

  All I could think about was how I had stayed with her, hoping to save her from the horrible things that had happened to her through no fault of her own. But that horrible experience never existed. I had been miserable for years—bleak and broken. But I stayed because I’d made a promise. A promise to protect her. I always put Gabi before myself. Always. Finding out it was all a lie was like I had been tricked, schemed into staying with her. I was played, plain and simple. I gave her a house, clothes, cars, money, anything and everything she’d ever desired. The only thing I cared about or needed was being happy. But I didn’t get that because of Gabi. Because of her lies, betrayal, and deceit.

  I hated how even now, at work, she still stole my thoughts. I’d left her, walked out on her, yet I hadn’t been able to let go of it. The hatred burned bright, threatening to take me down if I didn’t stop obsessing over it. I thought coming to the office would help, but it didn’t. Nothing seemed to take away the fact that my world had been completely turned upside down.

  “Dane? Everything okay?” Eden’s voice filtered through the room and bathed me, providing everything I needed in one nanosecond. I was wrong…there was something that would help me. And she stood in the doorway between our offices, leaning in with her hand on the frame. She was always there…especially when I needed her. I knew the answers I sought were right there within my grasp, but I couldn’t pull the trigger and take that leap of faith. “I was expecting that file like an hour ago.”

  I glanced down to the paper I’d done nothing but stare at and closed the folder. “I’m sorry. I haven’t been able to concentrate. I don’t think I’ve gotten past the first sentence. But I trust you, so I’ll take your word for it and sign off on it. If you think Grayson is a good company to invest in, then I’ll take it.”

  “Bookers,” she said, and then made her way to my desk. I stared at her in confusion as she took a seat and regarded me for a moment. Pity stared back at me. “The company is Bookers. Grayson is the one I suggested you decline.”

  “Oh…right.” I shook my head, hoping she didn’t pick up on the chaos running through my mind. Everything had changed. And no matter what I did, I couldn’t stop this morning’s events from playing on constant repeat, drowning me in despair. “Good thing you corrected me. That could’ve been a disaster.”

  “Are you all right? And please, don’t lie to me. I know we kind of ended things in a weird place yesterday on the beach, and then your text message…but that doesn’t mean I don’t care. Just because I’m your employee and you’re my boss doesn’t mean I can’t be concerned.”

  I nodded, then thought better of it. She’d see right through any lie I’d try to pass off as truth. Eden was the only person who truly saw me, really knew me…and it’d be pointless to be anything but honest with her. “I left Gabi this morning.”

  Her eyes widened slightly before she corrected her reaction. She remained stoic, unmoving while taking in my confession. Her chest rose and fell in even waves with each breath, all while keeping her gaze locked on mine. She cleared her throat and asked, “What made you decide to do that?”

  I could tell she was worried it had something to do with her. It was in her tone, the uneasiness in which she sat across from me. Her shoulders were stiff and concern deepened the lines around her painted lips. I knew I needed to ease her mind, but I wasn’t ready to say the words out loud yet. I still needed to come to terms with everything that had happened.

  Instead, I settled on a vague truth. “The reality of our relationship didn’t match the imaginary one I’d been living in for the last twelve years. She wasn’t the person I thought she was—or the one I claimed to love. It was all a lie, and my eyes were finally opened to the truth.”

  “Want to talk about it?”

  I shook my head and leaned back in my chair. “No, but thank you.”

  “Well, if you need me…you know where to find me.” With a genuine smile, she retreated to her desk.

  For the first time in weeks, Eden brought me a sandwich for lunch. It was unexpected to say the least, but not near as surprising as when she sat across from me with her own food. In silence, we both removed the paper wrappers and started to eat.

  “What happened…Heidi and your new friends didn’t want you to sit with them at the lunch table?” I teased, producing the first smile of the day.

/>   “I always preferred the bathroom stalls over the cool kids’ table anyhow.”

  “Oh, so now my office is the bathroom stall?” And there went the first chuckle.

  Eden shrugged, feigning nonchalance. “Figuratively speaking,” she said with a coy grin.

  Not much was said during lunch, or even after. Throughout the day, I’d peer across the room and catch her watching me through the window. She had the blinds down, but not closed—just enough to see the other person without being noticeable.

  She came into my office a few times to drop off papers, get my signature, or ask a question. Each time, she lingered a little bit longer than the last. I could tell she wanted me to talk to her about what had me so quiet, but she never pushed. Instead, she made herself available for me if I needed it. Her intentions were clear. She was there for me if I needed her. Eden had managed to open me like a well-read book. She’d gotten me to purge emotions and feelings that had been dormant for so long.

  That terrified me.

  With fifteen minutes left of the work day, she knocked on the open door, but didn’t invite herself in. “I’m getting ready to head out. Anything you need before Monday?”

  “Monday? What about tomorrow? Will you not be here?” Panic started to set in at the prospect of not seeing her for three days. Even though we’d barely spoken today, I liked knowing she was around. I didn’t want to imagine being here alone for an entire day without her.

  She giggled and raised a brow at me. “Dane, tomorrow is a holiday. No one will be here.”

  Somehow, I’d lost all sense of time. I’d forgotten all about the long weekend, and I suddenly dreaded thinking of spending it by myself. The thought of being alone for one day was almost too much to bear, but three…I wouldn’t survive three.

  “So…need anything?”

  Absentmindedly, I shook my head.

  The second she returned to her office, my heart sank. Eden had been the only person to notice my disposition. She was the only one to ask how I was and offer to listen if I needed someone to talk to. She made her presence known, hanging in the shadows all day in the event I was ready to open up and relieve my system of the worry that consumed me. No one else had done that. No one else had ever bothered to take the time to be there for me.