Dane

by Leddy Harper

  For the last twelve years, I’d been living a lie.

  It was time to accept the truth.

  I pulled open a drawer for the filing cabinet behind my desk and quickly searched the tabs for the paper I sought. Finding it, I grabbed it from its folder and slammed the drawer closed. I felt like I was in a race, seconds away from losing. And I was tired of losing. It was time to win.

  Catching Eden by surprise, I stormed into her office. Her emerald gaze met mine, wide with shock, bright with hope. Until I placed the paper on the desk in front of her. I didn’t need to say anything. She glanced at it and gasped. Her small hand covered her gaping mouth in a feeble attempt to hide her disbelief. She picked it up and then turned to face me, her eyes darting back and forth between mine and the paper in front of her, searching for answers.

  Answers I couldn’t give.

  Because my heart was in my throat, waiting for her response.

  I felt dizzy.

  I couldn’t breathe, think, or speak.

  “What’s this?” she asked in such a tiny voice I barely heard it.

  “A resignation form.” I knew I had to give her more than that, but I couldn’t find the words. Rejection colored her expression, and I wished I could clear it away. All I had to do was say something, but all my words were tied up in fear.

  Fear of her saying no.

  Fear of reading it all wrong.

  Fear of making a mistake.

  “Why are you giving me a resignation form?”

  I begged her with my eyes to understand. “Because I want you to sign it. I want you to resign.”

  13

  “Is this because of yesterday? Because of what I said on the beach? That’s not fair, Dane!” Eden’s soft tone became harsh and full of emotion, raising an octave with each sentence. “I’ve told you before I don’t want to quit. Now you’re forcing me to resign?” Tears filled her eyes as well as her words.

  I tried to reach out and touch her, but she flinched. I needed her to understand, but for some reason, I couldn’t gather the words to construct the sentences I’d said to myself moments before. To correct the confusion. All I was capable of doing was opening and closing my mouth without producing a sound. I was desperate to reach her, to clarify what I meant. Desperate to stop time so I could collect my thoughts and explain enough to calm her down so she could hear me out.

  But nothing worked.

  “You said I was your employee and you were my boss, and we’d keep our personal lives out of the office. I’m sorry, Dane. I’m sorry I asked you about Gabi. I was concerned…that’s all it was. I swear. When I walked into your office this morning, you looked like death. You were obviously distressed, and I…I won’t ask about her again. I’ll be completely professional from now on. No more personal questions.”

  “It has nothing to do with that.” The words rushed out in a frantic attempt for her to hear me.

  She paused and blinked away more tears. “Then what does it have to do with?”

  “The rules.” It made sense in my head, but as I spoke the truth—in nothing more than an insecure whisper—I realized how confusing it sounded. I wished I could run back into her office and start the conversation over differently. I closed my eyes and shook my head, trying to put all the pieces in place, but it didn’t work. When I caught her stare once more, I realized I’d only succeeded in making things worse.

  Confusion marred her forehead and panic widened her eyes. Rivers of pain lined her face, and it felt like I’d been stabbed in the heart. Her whole body shook, and all I wanted to do was hold her. For the first time, I wanted to take her in my arms and make her understand. But I knew she’d only reject me.

  In a meek voice, she asked, “What rules? What did I do?”

  I focused on the resignation form clutched in her hand, held to her chest, and immediately knew I had to say something. I had to make this right before everything went wrong. I reached out for her again, faster than she expected, and she took a step back.

  “Eden.” I dropped my arm and pleaded with my eyes. Begged her to see the truth in them. I needed her to know my intentions, but I was having a difficult time forming the words. I knew what I wanted to say, what she needed to hear, but fear had wound itself so tightly around me, I doubted every word that came to me. “That’s not what I meant.”

  “You gave me this form and told me to sign it. You asked me to resign, saying something about rules. If you’re firing me, then I deserve an explanation as to why.”

  I shook my head and stepped toward her, knowing she didn’t have much room left to retreat. I didn’t want to corner her, but I couldn’t take the chance of her running, either. “I’m not firing you.”

  She held up the paper and waved it in my face. “Well, this form you shoved in front of me begs to differ.”

  “It’s a resignation, not termination. It’s completely up to you.”

  “You know this is my dream job. I love the work I do. Why would you think I’d want to leave?” Her gaze searched the room. “Why?”

  “Because there are rules about dating associates. As long as you work for me, I can’t be with you. And, my God, Eden…I so desperately want to be with you.” I took the final step to close the distance between us, and to my surprise, she didn’t move away. “There’s always been something about you, but I’ve excused it and tried to ignore it. I can’t ignore it anymore, Eden.”

  “Is this why you left Gabi?” Her question was hesitant.

  “No,” I answered quickly before she could come to any conclusions on her own. I should’ve known this was how it’d seem. And I desperately needed her to know how wrong she was. “I swear to you, Eden…my decision to leave had nothing to do with you. I didn’t even realize how badly I wanted to be with you until a few minutes ago.” I shook my head and tried again. “I mean…I think I’ve always known, but I could never admit it to myself.”

  “I’m confused.”

  I grabbed her hand and held it between us. “You care enough about me to ask me how I’m doing. To ask about my day and check up on me when you can sense how stressed I’ve been. You take the time to see me when no one else does. I seek you out, make up excuses to text you after work because I feel different with you. I feel content…and I can’t even remember the last time I’ve felt this way. But you do that to me. You put a smile on my face. My heart dances to the sounds of your laughter. I’ve always known these things…but I’d convinced myself I could never have you. Because I’d made a commitment, and I had to honor that. I couldn’t turn my back on…her.”

  She released my hand and reached up to hold my face. Her palm was soft and warm. Comforting and gentle. She touched me as if it were second nature to her—as if we’d been doing this our whole lives. “Are you ready now to tell me what happened?”

  I kept eye contact with her as I tried to organize my thoughts into some kind of explanation. “When we were in high school, Gabi’s next door neighbor raped her. The things he did to her were horrible and disgusting. That was the start of her downfall—the part of her past I was never able to tell you. And it was what produced my need to protect her, because she couldn’t protect herself.”

  Her hand went limp on my cheek, so I covered it with mine and held it there.

  “That was one of the reasons I felt I couldn’t leave. He’d broken her. And she was never the same again. He was arrested and sent away to prison. She was seventeen and he was twenty-three. When he was finally released from prison, he couldn’t lead a normal life. What he’d done followed him everywhere, and he was condemned by everyone.”

  “Good, he should be,” she commented.

  I shook my head and watched the confusion set in her eyes. “He killed himself the other night because of it. Because he was unable to assimilate. And he deserved that. He never should’ve gone to prison. He never should’ve been labeled a sex offender—because he never did it. She confessed to me this morning that she’d made it all up. She ruined that man’s life with a
lie.”

  Her eyes grew wide and her red lips popped open. “Why would she do that?”

  “I don’t know,” I answered, raking my hands through my hair. “I didn’t ask. I just packed a bag and got the hell out of there. I gave her until Sunday to be gone, to get out of the condo. I never want to see her again. I never even want to hear from her again, so I’ll probably never know what made her do something that vile and disgusting.”

  Eden’s hand slid from my face to my chest and pushed me back a step. “That’s all very sad, and my heart hurts for you. I also feel sorry for Gabi—there has to be some reason for her to lie about something like that. But with what you’ve told me about her depression and never being able to fully climb out of her own hell, it all makes sense. I’m sure holding in that secret, knowing what she did to that man’s life, couldn’t have been healthy. I’m sure she’s lived with the pain of that for years, on top of everything else. But I have to be honest with you, Dane. I’m not a rebound girl.”

  “I know you’re not.” I huffed, hoping I’d be able to explain this correctly so she’d see how much I meant it. “I was with her for all the wrong reasons. I stayed with her out of guilt for something that never even happened. I loved her, yes…but not the kind of love relationships should be built on. Not the kind that binds people together for eternity. What you and I have isn’t a rebound. It’s not me jumping from one girl to another. It’s me being where I want to be.” I glanced away, unable to look her in the eyes as I said, “If you don’t feel the same, I understand.”

  She held up the resignation form. “I’m not signing this.”

  I don’t know why I thought she’d sign it, but I hadn’t contemplated this situation turning out differently. I must have mistaken her affection and attention as something other than it was, and I’d allowed myself to find happiness in someone who didn’t feel the same toward me. I should have known better. I wanted to believe it was the timing, but I knew that was nothing more than wishful thinking. For the first time since I was fifteen, I put myself out there. I hadn’t expected the sting of rejection to be so painful, but it cut me to the core like a double-edged knife.

  “I understand,” I said, disappointment heavy in my voice.

  “I don’t think you do. If I sign this, then that means I’m quitting my job so we can be together. My dream job. The one I relocated to Florida to get. So where would that leave me? I need to work. I have an apartment to pay for and bills and a credit card to take care of. I have a degree and would like to use it somewhere other than a bank.”

  I hadn’t even thought about that. I was too busy thinking about finally being with her that I hadn’t given her job any thought. “Well, I am the boss. I own the place. If you want to work here, then stay. I made the rules, and I can break them.”

  “No. Things could get messy. That’s a bad idea. You set the precedence and that wouldn’t be a good example.”

  “What if you still worked here—but in a different department? Or assisted someone else?” Honestly, I hated the thought of her being someone else’s assistant, but I had to find a solution. One that would allow us to be together without compromising her job. “I could move you over to the accounting department or set you up in legal with Heidi to work on contracts. You could do billing or something. Payroll…”

  “So…I could stay at Kauffmann, but in a different department? You don’t need me to resign?”

  Suddenly, my brain comprehended what she was saying. I’d been too wrapped up in figuring out the job situation that I didn’t fully take in what that meant. “Are you saying you’re willing to give this a shot? You want to see what this is between us?”

  She hesitated for a moment, causing my lungs to fail me before she spoke again. “You haven’t been single in twelve years. Maybe you should take some time for yourself. You know…live life for once. We don’t have to rush into anything.”

  “I don’t need to take time for myself.” I looked her straight in the eyes in the hopes of convincing her. “I want you. I want the things you’ve given me since that first night at the bar. I’ve come to work excited, knowing I get to see you. I’ve gone to the pier, hoping you’d be there. My day completely turns around with one text message from you. Don’t you see? The only times I ‘live life’ is when it involves you. You said I deserve to be happy. Well, you do that for me.”

  Her cheeks burned crimson and she dropped her gaze to the floor. I placed my finger beneath her chin and made her look at me while I waited for her to answer. Finally, she said, “I don’t want to do this and then have it fall apart in days or weeks. I need to make sure it’s right.”

  “We could wait, give it time, and the possibility of it falling apart would still be there. There are no guarantees in life. If anything, the last twelve years has taught me that. You just have to go for it and see what happens. I want to see what will happen. I want a chance to be fulfilled. I want you. All of you. I’ve finally found someone who gets me, who appreciates me, who doesn’t expect anything in return. I’m not giving that up. Please. Take a leap of faith with me.”

  She stood in front of me and stared, taking shallow breaths. I could see her thinking it through, and I couldn’t recall ever being so anxious to hear words before in my life. Even if she didn’t agree with me, I’d never stop. I would keep trying until I won her over. She was all I wanted. She put a smile on my face, made my heart beat, and filled me with contentment—joy, bliss…happiness.

  “But then you won’t be my boss anymore,” she whispered with a slight grin.

  “No…but we’ll be together.”

  “What I mean is…” She placed her hand on my chest and toyed with my tie. “I’ll never be able to find out what all the fuss is about. Sneaking around in the office, stealing kisses, touches behind a closed door…all of it. How will I ever get to check that off my bucket list?” Her sly grin widened and stole the air from the room.

  “I’m sure we can figure something out.”

  “Okay,” she said on an exhale. “Let’s see where this goes.”

  I imagined this was what it felt like when a kid opened the only gift he’d wished for forever. Utter bliss. Complete elation. Pure, soul-deep exhilaration. I never wanted to let go. And I had a feeling Eden would give this to me every day. I’d gladly take it, and in return, give her the world.

  “See ya on Monday, boss.” She winked and turned around to pick up her purse.

  I grabbed her arm and pulled her into me. A giggle erupted from her chest and her eyes lit up, shining like the rays of the sun as she stared up at me with lips curled into a contagious smile. Those lips. Painted red like the night we’d met. I’d studied them so many times, watched them move as she spoke, but now, I could finally taste them. Feel them pressed against mine.

  With my palm against her cheek, I lowered my head. Slowly, as if I were afraid she’d vanish if I moved too fast. I wanted to savor the entire moment. The seconds leading up to it, the beats of my heart as they grew harsher the closer my mouth came to hers. I needed to lock it all away in my memory in the event this wasn’t real. Because this felt like a dream—just like the ones I’d had for weeks, only to wake up and realize I’d imagined it all. If this was a dream, I never wanted to wake up.

  But then her breath fanned my bottom lip, and nothing could keep me away from her. I closed my mouth over hers and shut my eyes, absorbing everything. Feeling everything. Eden wound her arms around my waist and held me to her. The heat of her palms seeped through my shirt and ignited a fire inside. It enticed me, encouraged me, until I parted her lips with mine and slipped my tongue into her mouth. She moaned and pressed herself against me until our bodies couldn’t possibly get any closer with clothes on.

  When the kiss ended, we held our foreheads together and heated the space between our faces with our humid exhales. We hadn’t done anything other than kiss, yet our breathing sounded like we’d ran a marathon.

  “Have dinner with me. Tonight. Right now. Let’s get
something to eat and talk.”

  Eden sank her teeth into her bottom lip and tucked her chin.

  “None of that. You’re not allowed to hide from me anymore,” I said and waited until she met my gaze again. “What are you hungry for? We can go anywhere you want.”

  “I have to go home and change first.” Her expression fell and her eyes narrowed. “Where are you staying this weekend? You said you packed a bag and gave her until Sunday to leave the condo, so where are you going to sleep?”

  I glanced over my shoulder toward my office.

  “No. You’re not staying here, Dane. What…you plan to sleep on the floor?”

  “To be honest, I hadn’t thoroughly thought about it. I left, not caring where I’d stay. I’ll probably get a hotel room or something for a couple nights.”

  She reached for her purse and settled the strap over her shoulder. “Grab your bag. Let’s go eat dinner and talk.”

  After running Eden by her apartment to change, we headed out to a small hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurant. I had never been before, but Eden swore the food was authentic and the best she’d ever tasted.

  As much as I enjoyed the conversation and learning new things about her, I hated having a table between us. I finally had the freedom to touch her—even if it was only her hand—without the weight of guilt crushing me, and I couldn’t. Rather than dwell on it, knowing we had all the time in the world to touch, I absorbed as much of her as I could while eating.

  On the drive home, I kept her fingers laced with mine. I refused to sit this close to her and not hold her hand. And when we made it back to her apartment, I helped her out of the car and kissed her—right there, in her parking garage, in public for anyone to see. And I loved every fucking second of it.