“You didn’t have to do that,” I say.
“I’ve never seen you in so much pain in my life. Not even when I was choking you in the yard a couple of hours ago. You should try to fix it.”
“Nah, my little girl needs me right now. She became my whole life six years ago.”
He’s about to take the only thing that’s kept me alive since I had to give up Tess. I have no idea how I’ll survive this time.
Forty-Two
Tess
“That was not what I was expecting,” Hannah’s still on the phone.
“What did you expect?” I ask, staring at the phone.
“Something shady,” she answers. “Like he had another woman while you two were together. That the night he left you was because she threatened to take the kid away from him if he didn’t leave you.”
“Seriously, that’s what you were thinking?” I huff. I shouldn’t be surprised. My sister has a big imagination.
“Sounds like a made-for television movie—or something Alicia would do,” I tell her and I shiver, just thinking about everything that happened with Keane.
“Well, this was completely different,” I say, confused about my own feelings about the situation.
“What are you going to do?”
“Go back home to San Diego and work,” I say casually, because I can’t think beyond that. At least not right now.
“You’re not sticking around?”
Her curiosity is getting on my nerves. I love my sister dearly, but she can’t let things go. Like right now. She won’t move on until she solves my relationship problems.
“Why would I? It’s not my problem anymore—he made sure of that.”
Despite healing every day since I sent that letter, there was still a nagging voice in my head that told me I was a bitch for not listening. My therapist insisted it was the voice of my younger self, who wanted to please those she loved so they wouldn’t leave her.
“Would you have accepted being her temporary mom?”
“I have no idea, Hannah. He took the choice away from me. Also, he made me feel like no matter what I did, I wasn’t worth keeping.”
“The glass isn’t half empty or half full—it’s all gray area where you’re not sure what’s right. He did it to save her.”
“Are you psychoanalyzing the situation?”
“No, just helping you process it. Imagine if you’d stayed. You would have to give up Jojo,” she says, and though I kind of hate her, I know she’s right.
My heart hurts for his loss. “I’m guessing it’s for the best because I can’t imagine going through the pain he must be feeling right now.”
I wait for her rebuttal. She never lets things go until she feels I’m okay—and I’m not. He explained himself and made it right, but the emptiness isn’t gone. Before either one of us can say a word, there’s a knock on the door.
“Who do you think it is?” she asks.
I hold my breath, wondering if Gage has come back, but it’s not him. Dad enters the house without waiting for me to answer the door.
“Hey, Dad.” I greet him.
“Hey, kiddo.”
“Does he realize you’re twenty-eight?” Hannah whispers, but he can hear her since she’s on speaker.
“Why does she always have to sass me,” Dad grins. “How are you, Hannah?”
“I can’t complain. How are you, Daddy?” she answers with that sweet tone she’s always had since she was a kid.
“Missing you. When are you coming to visit?”
“I thought we were meeting in Disney World,” she reminds him.
“And so, she finds yet another way to avoid coming home.”
“You set all that up, not me, Mr. Hades.” She laughs.
“Touché!” Dad’s body shakes from trying to muffle the laughter.
“As fun and entertaining as this has been, I’m heading to bed. Say hi to Mom and the kids, Dad. Tessy, call if you need me.”
I breathe a little easier after she hangs up, but then realize that my father has taken her place. There’s no way he came to say goodnight.
“Isn’t it late for house calls?”
“Yes, which is why I came to find out what those punks were doing here.”
I chuckle. “Punks? Really, Dad?”
“Don’t try to distract me, Tess. Why were they here?”
“Gage owed me an explanation,” I answer, heading to the kitchen.
This entire day has been stressful, and I’m in need of some wine, but since I don’t have any in the house, I choose lavender tea.
“It’s kind of late for that, isn’t it?” Dad’s tone is flat.
I don’t know if he means it’s too late at night, or too late to come and make things right. Maybe it’s six years too late, and I shouldn’t waste my time thinking about Gage Rodin.
“Tess?” Dad says, reminding me he’s still here.
“He felt compelled to do it after his brother reappeared from a six-year hiatus.”
Dad whistles and shakes his head. “That doesn’t explains the bruises and swollen faces. It looked painful.”
“I doubt he cares about it. He’s losing his kid.”
“How’s that possible?” Dad crosses his arms and frowns.
“Well, it’s a long story,” I say, relieved when the kettle whistles.
“Start from the beginning, Kiddo. I have time.”
Of course he does, I roll my eyes. While I’m preparing the tea, I tell him the whole story, including the part about the drug lord who killed his own wife and children.
“Hmm, I always wondered what had happened. Especially after he told me how much he loved you and that he wanted to build a life with you.”
“He told you that?” I ask.
A lump of sadness lodges in the back of my throat. My heart aches when I think about the future that we planned on building once upon a time.
“Yeah, months before he left,” he says.
Dad smiles when I hand him a cup of tea. “Thank you, sweetheart.”
“He was sincere, and that’s why I assured you he wouldn’t do anything stupid, like cheating.”
“Try lying,” I mumble, sipping from my mug. The tea tastes as bitter as my life.
Dad watches me, pressing his lips together. He’s either contemplating something or about to bestow one of his crazy life lessons upon me.
“What?”
“You might not want to hear this, but he did the right thing. He kept you safe. There was never a choice. As difficult as it must have been, he took the baby to protect her while protecting you too.”
The way he answers, so sure of himself, makes me believe that Dad would’ve done exactly the same.
“That’s what you would’ve done, right?”
He nods a couple of time.
“I feel sorry for him. He’s about to lose his child.”
He taps his chest, his gaze a little lost, his emotions flitting across his face. “Losing your kids hurts.”
I remember when I was around Jojo’s age and my parents divorced. Mom said I’d never see Dad if I wasn’t good to her. When he came over to visit us there was always another person, and they made him take a breathalyzer to make sure he wasn’t drunk.
“At least when it’s because of a divorce, a parent can fight back, make things right. This shit is harder. He’s going to have to hand his baby over to her biological father and watch her grow from afar.”
“Is it ridiculous to say that my heart hurts for what’s about to happen to them? She’s such a good kid, and trauma like this leaves emotional scars that are hard to overcome.”
Dad stands up and hugs me tight. “It’s not ridiculous, and I’m sorry that this is hitting so close to home.”
He understands that this feels like a flashback to my own childhood. I never realized why Dad was sad when he had to leave our house. I regret being awful with him once we were allowed to stay at his house. Mom had spent two long years filling my mind with poison and hat
red toward my father.
A part of me feels like I need to stay close by to help them. Jojo more than anyone. She was expecting a mom, and instead she’s losing her father. And Gage … he’s handing over his child and becoming Uncle Gage. For my own self-preservation, it’d be best to just stay out of it and go back in to the life I built after he left.
“What are you going to do, Kiddo?”
“Go back to San Diego and live my life.” I try to sound emotionally unattached.
He stares at me and smirks. “Sounds like a good plan.”
Hannah and Dad are so similar. Sassy and sarcastic, even about serious matters.
“I can’t stay,” I insist. “He didn’t even ask me to stay.”
“If he asks?” That feels like a low blow.
He has to stop asking questions, making me think of all the scenarios and possibilities. I just want to get into my bed and forget the outside world. At least for one night.
“It’s painful to see his soul bleed. She … God, what’s going to happen when they tell her that her mom died?” A tear slides down my cheek just remembering her words.
“I think Daddy likes you,” she mumbled. “Would you like to be my mom?”
“You’re looking for a mom?”
“Yes. I’m screening girlfriends for Dad.”
“I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works.”
“One day I’m going to leave, and I don’t want him to be alone.”
“Jojo needs a mother figure, and Ana’s never coming back. How’s she going to manage?” I feel helpless. “Gage’s going to have to leave her at some point. I’m sure Keane is great, but he’s not Gage. Losing your dad is so painful.”
“I tried my best to make it easy for you.”
“You did, but it was hard to realize that when things were so bad at home. It was better when Alicia stopped being part of the picture.”
“I’m sorry about that. I wish I had known what was going on.”
“It’s okay, Dad. It’s been years, and we’re okay.”
“Are you?” He cocks his head, those gray eyes waiting.
“I can’t answer for Hannah,” I pause, wondering about my little sister, “But yes, I am for the most part.”
“Look, I’m still not a fan of that boy. I’m not saying you should forgive him, but he might need a friend.”
“Dad, I love you, but don’t speak on his behalf.” I try not to snap on him.
“No, I’m just saying if he does, tell him to give me a call. I’ve been in his shoes, kind of.”
“Oh, of course,” I sigh. “If I talk to him again, I’ll tell him to reach out to you.”
After all these years I’ve never asked him about his own relationship with Gage. They were close and suddenly everything between them disintegrated.
“Hey, I just want you to be happy.”
“Happiness is a state of mind,” I counter. “It’s pretty elusive if you ask me. I don’t pursue happiness. I reach for my dreams and experience joy, contentment, and focus on the positive. I’m fulfilled. That’s close enough, right?”
“Happiness is having love, too,” he continues. “Once you experience real love, your soul can’t be at peace without it. I’m not telling you to work things out with him. Not at all. I’m asking you to open your heart to the possibilities of falling in love again. You closed yourself off, and that’s not healthy.”
“Love isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.”
“I agree. Love isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes it’s a storm. Sometimes it’s watching the person you fell deeply in love with walk away. Love is fighting for what you want in life, for your dreams. When you’re granted a second chance at love, you take it—but love is also granting those second chances.”
Dad’s a romantic to a fault. He believes there’s a true love for each person. I used to think it was true when Gage and I were together. But right now, I don’t even want to think about it. Whether Gage is my one love or if I need to open my heart to meeting someone else. My head aches with all these thoughts.
“You came to confuse me, didn’t you?”
“No, I came to make sure you’re alright and to tell you that I’m here for you. Also, would you mind babysitting Grady?”
“Sure, I can push my trip to San Diego back a couple of days.”
“Thanks. I’m meeting Jax to make a few decisions about the band, and your mom’s going to be at the flower shop teaching a class.”
“Hey, I don’t need explanations. You know that kid and I are tight and love to spend time together.”
“Thank you, sweetheart,” he says, kissing my cheek. “Have a good night.”
“Night, Dad.”
Forty-Three
Gage
Easton drives us to my house. Neither one of us says a word until he turns off the engine.
“We need to discuss what we’re going to do.” I break the silence.
“Let’s go in then,” East says.
“We should talk in the backyard. Jojo’s a light sleeper,” I remind East.
“I wouldn’t know.” Keane, who’s sitting in the back seat, complains and gets out of the truck.
“Look, I know it hasn’t been an easy ride for you either. I can’t imagine what it’s like to give up your kid, lose your girlfriend, and you did things you regret and can’t talk about,” I begin saying once we reach the patio.
“That sums it all up, but it was even worse, if you can believe it.”
“Hey, I’m not trying to belittle your experience. What I’m trying to say is that you can’t just send a fucking message and say, I’m picking up Jolene.”
“So you read my message.”
“Not the point, Keane. What I’m trying to say is that you can’t act as if you left her at her uncle’s for the weekend and now it’s time to go home. It’s been six fucking years. She doesn’t know who you are.”
“Don’t you think I know that? I’ve been counting the fucking days. I thought it would only take a couple of years. I imagined that we’d pick her up before her second birthday.”
“I have to ask,” Easton says. “Why him, Keane? Any of us would’ve taken her in a heartbeat. We all love Jojo.”
There’s the big brother we all know and love. He needs to be told why he’s not the center of the universe now that he knows everything. I hope he realizes he’s going to piss off Keane.
“Because we look so much alike that he could use my ID, and no one would doubt that he’s Keane Rodin.”
“Have you not seen his fucking face all over billboards, magazines, and social media?” Easton’s voice rattles the wine glasses I abandoned earlier. “He has a life. Millions of people know who Gage Rodin is. You didn’t think this through for shit. You were a selfish, cocky bastard who swore that he could take a cartel down by himself and bring home the medal.”
“You have no fucking idea what you’re talking about,” Keane yells.
“Obviously not. This is worse than the time you decided to steal Dad’s patrol car and dragged Gage along with you. He’s always willing to help you, and you take advantage of that.”
“I did it because he could pass as me during doctor’s visits and emergencies.”
“You could’ve given me power of attorney to act on your behalf. He’s been breaking the law, impersonating an FBI agent.”
East turns to me. “Is that why you’ve been homeschooling her?”
“Partly, but also because the tutors do a better job than the school system,” I say, proud of the choice I made.
“You have my kid isolated?”
“It’s not like that, and putting her in school would draw attention, Keane,” I say, glaring at him.
“I thought you said it was because you didn’t want people to ‘speculate about the mother,’” Easton quotes me.
“There’s that too. It wasn’t a lie, more like a modified truth,” I quote my publicists.
“Look, Keane,” I sigh. “I understand that you
want Jojo back, but just snatching her away from what she’s known her entire life will scar her. After everything you’ve gone through, do you think you’re even fit to parent? What’s your mental state like?”
“Therapy,” Easton suggests. “You two need to sort this out with a professional before you involve Jojo. Keep her safe in that bubble of happiness Gage has been building for her. The adjustment will be hard on her. You’ll have to be ready for all the questions she’ll inevitably ask, especially about her mother—she’s been wanting one of those for the past couple of years.”
I growl. “She asked Tess if she would be her mom today.”
“When did you introduced them?” Easton stares at me.
“She spent the day with us, trying to get some closure. I fucked up in so many ways.”
“Give her time,” East recommends. “That girl loves you.”
“Loved,” I correct him. “That’s not the point of this discussion. We have to focus on Jojo and her future.”
“What do you suggest?” Keane’s voice isn’t as harsh as it was earlier.
“We start by asking a professional to guide us. This isn’t going to be easy. If we handle it well, she’ll open her heart to you and will understand everything you tell her. But be aware that the story includes Ana—a woman who’s never coming back, Keane.”
He huffs, walks around the patio, and stops right by the fire pit. “What did you tell her about her mom?”
“That she had to leave on a critical mission, which is why sometimes she thought that Tess and Ana were the same person.”
“Who does she look like?” Keane seems more in control of his emotions and his temperament.
I open my phone and choose one of her most recent pictures. She has Ana’s eyes and hair, but Emmalee’s nose and her thin lips. Her olive complexion is a little lighter than her mother’s.
“She’s beautiful,” he says, sighing.
He scrubs his face a couple of times. “I begged her to stop and came up with ways to just leave. Every scenario included her father finding us and, of course, killing us. Domingo Leyva didn’t give a fuck about anyone but himself. He wouldn’t think twice about losing yet another child who didn’t do his bidding. Easton is right. I was a cocky bastard, and I don’t know what I’m going to tell her about Ana.”
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