My One Despair

by Burgoa, Claudia

  “Jojo is worth everything, Keane. She’s a special girl.”

  “Yet, I missed six years of her life.”

  To lighten the mood, I want to joke and say that he left me the dirty job of changing diapers and dealing with the terrible toddler years. But I don’t because I loved every second I spent with her and wouldn’t change it for anything.

  “It’s going to be a process. She’ll love you. I guarantee that once we’re past this bump, you’ll know that these past years were worth it.”

  Then, to reaffirm what I just said, I tell him, “You sacrificed them for the greater good.”

  “Easton doesn’t think so,” he counteracts.

  “Since when do you give a fuck about what he thinks?”

  He smirks and says, “In all honesty, Gage, I chose you because I knew that out of everyone, you’d love her like your own. I trust you with my life and with my kid.”

  “I’m glad you did, Keane.”

  Forty-Six

  Gage

  When I got home, I begin packing my office. Easton called to ask me if he could help in any way. I told him to drop by the next day to help me move the office and all the stuff I had in there to the garage while I decide what to do next. Maybe I should rent a space and set up my office and a studio. It’s not like I’m going to be needed at home anymore.

  I look around the house, and it’s already feeling too big, empty.

  Tess and I had plans for this house. She never agreed to have a big family, but she wasn’t against it either. There was one guarantee, we knew we were in it for the long run, that we’d grow old together.

  It’s hard not to resent Keane when my future feels like my house—vacuous.

  As I pack my office, I find things that belonged to Tess, and I’m not sure if I should start her a box or just toss it in with my belongings.

  Until today, I never stopped to analyze our break up, but as I make my way through the bookshelves and I pick up the biology books and old notes that she left in them, I realize that we never split our belongings. She stayed in our place down in California, and I live in our house in Seattle.

  As time passes and I close boxes, I realize that I never closed that part of my life. Our relationship remains in limbo. That’s another loose end I have to make right after I settle Jojo into her new life.

  Around six, Tess texts me asking if it’s okay to invite Jojo for dinner at her parents’ house. I agree because I can’t mask my despair in front of Jojo. Also, it gives me plenty of time to move stuff around to make sure Jojo doesn’t notice the changes yet. Tomorrow, I’ll let her know we’ll be having a guest for a few months. Soon, I’ll have to tell her the truth.

  A couple of hours later, Tess sends me a smiley face followed by a request.

  Tess: Can you come to the car, please? Jojo’s asleep.

  Gage: Give me a second.

  I put the last box away and wash my hands before meeting them by Tess’s car.

  “Hey,” I greet her and check on Jojo who’s asleep in the back seat. “What did you do to her?”

  “We were busy all day long. Grady adores her. She has potential as a big sister,” she adds, and I’m not sure how to take the comment.

  I disregard it and carefully unbuckle the seatbelt and take my little pumpkin into my arms. Tess follows right behind me, carrying a bunch of bags with her.

  After I set Jojo in her bed and close the door to her room, I point at the packages that Tess sets on the coffee table.

  “What’s all that?”

  “We went shopping,” she says, pointing at the bags. “We found a couple of outfits that she loved. The rest is artwork from the museum and some trinkets for her hair, including a couple of purple hair extensions. They’re super easy to put on.”

  “What?” I glare at her, but inside I’m panicking.

  Jojo’s going to have me play salon first thing in the morning. I might be great with my fingers when it comes to playing the guitar or the piano, but they don’t do such a great job when I have to handle her hair.

  “They’re just clip-ons that you hide under her hair. They’re super easy to use.” Tess sounds like one of those infomercials that play at midnight on TV. “She’s excited about them and won’t ask you about dying her hair purple again.”

  “I’m not sure whether to be thankful or worried that I won’t be able to put them in.” I pull out my wallet and ask. “How much do I owe you?”

  “Nothing at all. How are things with Keane?” She scans the house.

  “We went to the therapist. She gave us a few suggestions,” I say casually. I wonder if I can just ask her to be there for Jojo. “I’m going to empty my office and furnish it, so Keane can move in with us.”

  “When are you going to introduce them?” She furrows her brow in worry and begins to chew on her thumb.

  “Soon,” I look around. “Once his room is all set. In a couple of days?”

  “How are you doing this?”

  “I’m telling her.” I swallow hard. “Before I introduce them.”

  She closes her eyes briefly and breathes deeply. “That’s going to be tough.”

  “The therapist suggested having someone with me to be there for her. A person she can trust.”

  “That makes sense. In case she responds negatively to you, she’ll have someone to lean on.” She presses her lips together and sighs.

  “I—I can be here,” she offers. “Whenever you tell her or after. I’ll be ready for her. To hold her while she cries. I’ll be happy to take her for ice cream if she’s upset. Dad usually did that with us when we were troubled.”

  A weight lifts off my shoulders. “Would you do that for her?”

  “Of course. She’s a great kid. I’ll change my schedule to make sure that I’m around for the next couple of weeks.”

  I’m tempted to tell her that we might need her longer than a couple of weeks. It might take months. If I could make a wish, it’d be having Tess forever, by my side.

  “I appreciate what you’re doing for her,” I finally speak.

  “How are you, Gage?” she asks with a concerned tone. “This can’t be easy for you.”

  “I’m all right,” I say casually, sweeping my feelings under the rug.

  “Hey, you don’t have to pretend this isn’t killing you. Jojo’s your kid. I spent the day with the two of you and witnessed the way you love her. You’re such an amazing father. You adore her. It’s okay to be upset and sad.”

  “It’s so easy to love that beautiful baby. She’s sweet, and those big eyes captured me from the very beginning. I tried not to get too attached. It was impossible though. I couldn’t resist her. I planned on being the cool uncle,” I explain to her.

  “I pictured your siblings, who I adore, but after we were done babysitting them, I was fine dropping them back with their parents. I failed miserably. It was hard not to let myself believe that she was mine.”

  Jojo helped me fill Tess’s absence too. I could talk to her about Tess for hours, and she’d be excited to listen.

  “I can’t imagine how hard this is for you, Gage. I try to put myself in your shoes, and my heart breaks into a billion pieces. What you did for Jojo and her parents was amazing.” She reaches for my arm and squeezes it. “I assure you that the bond between the two of you will remain untouched. Jojo won’t stop loving you.”

  “Yeah, but I’m becoming her uncle.”

  “Hey, cheer up,” she says. “One day, you’ll have your own family.”

  Our gazes meet for a brief second, and her eyes dim a little. I wonder if she’s mourning the loss of our own family. Six children, I’d suggested. I even had names, and we already used one of them. It’s on the tip of my tongue to ask for forgiveness, a second chance to make it right. Maybe I accumulated enough boyfriend points as she called them, and I can exchange them for a few dates with her.

  Tess shakes her head. “Like I said, I’ll be available.”

  “Where do you usually work?”
<
br />   “San Diego, but my office is mobile.” She dusts her jeans and glances at the ground. “Which reminds me that I have to go. There’s a lot to do and only so many hours in the day.”

  “Thank you for the outing today, and for letting me vent.”

  “Bye, Gage.”

  As I see Tess walk away, I’m thankful that I had her in my life, and I realized that even though we’re no longer together, the foundation of our relationship remains intact. We still care for each other—even love each other. There’s a spark of hope that maybe the same will happen with Jojo. Our bond will remain strong, even after what’s about to come. I grab onto that hope and place it close to my heart.

  Forty-Seven

  Gage

  Tonight feels like the beginning of a lonely life. The plethora of emotions flooding my mind doesn’t allow me to close my eyes and rest. Maybe it’s time to switch gears in my career and start touring more. I could release an EP, and just let Duncan drag me around the world.

  I decide to spend the night in my studio composing songs. Like always, I carry the baby monitor with me. Jojo doesn’t wake up at night unless I make noise.

  While playing the piano, I can’t stop regretting the way I handled Jojo’s life. I could’ve told her she was adopted—that she’d come to me because Keane chose me to be her dad, but then I stop beating myself up. What if she’d said something about being adopted and the doctors requested her paperwork?

  I try hard to stay calm, but it’s impossible not to be angry at Keane. He tied my hands when he gave Jojo to me. Now, the asshole hopes that I’ll clean up everything for him. It’s impossible not to fume. We both lost a lot, but in the big scheme of things, the biggest loser is me.

  I’m still in the studio when the sun rises. I decide to head back inside the house just in case Jojo wakes up early. I make it just in time because the doorbell rings as I step inside.

  “Who is it?” Jojo runs out of her bedroom.

  “I’m not sure. Why don’t we find out?” I propose and check the peephole. “It’s your uncle, Easton.”

  “Uncle East!” She greets him as I open the door.

  “Hey, Pumpkin.” He takes her into his arms and twirls her.

  “Ready to start?” he asks looking around.

  “She needs breakfast and then we can start.”

  “Pancakes,” Jojo requests. “Uncle East and I love pancakes.”

  “We love waffles,” Easton corrects her. “With strawberries and whipped cream.”

  I glare at him. I want to remind him that he only eats fucking cereal in the morning. But, I hold my tongue instead and go to the kitchen where I drink water and set up the coffee maker. This is going to be a long day.

  Once we finish breakfast, East and I begin loading his truck. I regret not asking Tess to take her out while we work.

  “Daddy, why are we moving your desk out of the house?”

  Easton shakes his head. “This is going to be worse than the birds and the bees talk,” he jokes.

  “Well, we’re going to have a guest for the next couple of months.”

  Her eyes open wide and she smiles even wider. It’s as if I just told her Santa Claus is coming twice this year.

  “Tess is coming to live with us.” She claps excitedly and runs around the house.

  “Hey there, Pumpkin,” Easton lifts her off the floor. “Why are we so excited? I shouldn’t have given you that much whipped cream. Maybe your dad was right.”

  I’m always right about her sugar intake. He never gives a shit about it.

  “Tess is going to live with us,” she informs East. “I think she might want to be my mom after all.”

  For fuck’s sake, I just can’t with this kid and her imagination.

  “Whoa, Pumpkin.” I stare at her. “I never said any of that. Tess has her own house in San Diego.”

  “But I thought you said this was her house and we were borrowing it.”

  “You did say that,” Easton confirms.

  The fucker is having way too much fun making me squirm.

  “Well, she has two homes, and she can only live in one. That’s why we’re here.”

  “So, who’s going to live with us?” Jojo glares at me.

  My heart drops to the floor. She didn’t let me enjoy the few days I had left.

  “Let’s finish moving everything and then we’ll talk, okay?” I suggest, thinking of how to start the conversation.

  “Uncle East, are you going to live with us?” She’s not listening.

  “Sorry, sweetheart, but I have my own house.” He takes a box and leaves.

  “Daddy, am I going to like the person who’s moving in with us?”

  “Yes, Pumpkin. I promise you will,” I assure her. But the truth is I’m not entirely sure she’ll like either of us after we tell her the truth.

  “Okay,” she says and goes to her room.

  “Do it today!” Easton orders.

  “I know. Don’t try to tell me the obvious.”

  Without losing any time, I text Tess.

  Gage: I’m doing it today. Can you be here?

  Tess: Of course. What time?

  Gage: I’m thinking around lunch.

  Tess: Why don’t I bring some food and I can cook with her.

  Gage: Sounds perfect. Thank you.

  Tess: Any food restrictions?

  Gage: She hates greens but loves asparagus. She thinks they’re funny.

  Tess: Spaghetti?

  Gage: Yeah, she’ll eat that.

  Tess: I have an idea. See you in a couple of hours.

  “I’m not sure if leaning on your ex is emotionally healthy for you.” He gives me that disapproving big brother glance that I hate.

  “I can’t wait to hear why, oh wise one,” I say.

  “Like I just said, it’s not emotionally healthy for you. You’re going through a lot.”

  “If you haven’t noticed, I’m already emotionally fucked up.” I’ve always needed Tess like I need air. “What could happen if I spend a few more days with her before the final goodbye?”

  “I can’t believe that you’re just going to let her go.”

  I frown at him. It’s not like I can keep Jojo with me. “I think Keane would find me and kill me if I ran away with her.”

  “I meant Tess, not Jojo.”

  I snort. “She’s been gone for years. I made sure of that.”

  He runs a hand through his hair and shakes his head. “Maybe you should see a therapist to work through your own issues.”

  “You’re giving me relationship advice?” I laugh. “When was the last time you dated someone without keeping her at arm’s length?”

  “It’s different, and you know it. Where else are you going to find someone like Tess? She’s with you because she loves you, not because you’re famous. She’s known you since you were a nobody.”

  I stared at him and shake my head.

  “I’m just trying to help you. Tess left because you pushed her away. She’s back by your side because she still cares about you. Even though she says it’s for Jojo, she’s doing it for you. She knows that this will affect you. She’s here, making sure that you have someone on the other side to catch you when it’s over. The question is, are you going to blow your second chance?”

  “How can you call this a second chance?” I try to reason with him, but he’s obviously not thinking straight.

  “This is your chance to show her that you two are fucking perfect for each other. I watched you two fall in love. It was fast and hard, but it lasted. It’s still there, Gage. Don’t lose it just because you think you deserve to be punished.”

  “Why are you being punished, Daddy?” Jojo is back, and I hope she didn’t listen to our conversation.

  “It’s a figure of speech, sweetie,” I explain glaring at my brother.

  When is he going to learn to watch his mouth in front of my kid?

  “Right, when you don’t mean what you said.” She presses a hand to her mouth to stifle h
er giggles. “It would be funny to see you in time out, Daddy. I’m going to talk to Grandma and Grandpa about it.”

  “Not sure if Keane’s going to be able to handle her,” Easton smirks. “I can’t wait to see those two bumping heads.”

  As Easton says it, I realize how true it is. This girl has her mother’s beauty and her father’s brains.

  Forty-Eight

  Tess

  I arrive before lunch with all my supplies for making spaghetti squash. Mom started preparing it for Aubrey who is the pickiest eater of the Hades family. She thinks it’s amusing to make her own noodles. They look almost exactly like the prepackaged ones Mom gets—even though they come from a squash. When Gage opens the door, I take a step back. Jojo is like a little tornado. You don’t see her coming until she hits you.

  “You made it,” Jojo hugs me by the waist. “Can I have purple hair?”

  I look down to see that her hair is held back by a headband but she’s not wearing any of the accessories we bought yesterday, nor the clips she was super excited to try right after we left the store.

  “Where are the extensions we bought at the store?” I stare at Gage.

  He shrugs.

  “Dad put them in my room. He said you’d help me put them on.”

  “He did, did he?” I shoot him a glare. “Seriously Rodin. I made it as easy as possible for you.”

  “Well, I thought it’d be a great activity for you guys after lunch,” he suggests. “She’s excited about cooking with you.”

  I sigh and propose we head to the kitchen. Jojo’s eager to help me cook and can’t contain her excitement when I tell her we’re making our own noodles. She loves shredding the squash and tasting the marinara sauce. While we’re having lunch, Jojo tells me that her favorite food is her dad’s mac and cheese, which he makes extra cheesy.