My One Despair

by Burgoa, Claudia

  Gage has been quiet. I glance at him, wondering what’s going on in his head. He was never too fond of the kitchen. When I ask Jojo what else he cooks, she tells me everything. Even broccoli, but she only eats it with cheese.

  My mouth falls open. “You cook?” I give him an incredulous look.

  Gage straightens his back and says, “Of course I do.”

  “Color me impressed. I thought you’d be collecting take-out menus for the rest of your life.”

  “They’re gone. I cleaned out the drawer. I took your advice and hired a cook who taught me how.” He gives me some credit, and I smile.

  “Did you know that someone’s going to live with us?” Jojo drops the question, and my stomach goes right to the floor too.

  “Are you excited about it?”

  She pouts and moves her lips from side to side. “I don’t know. Maybe you should live with us. I like you.”

  “Do you mind if Jojo and I go outside?” Gage asks.

  “Are we going to do the slide or the trampoline?” She jumps out of her chair super excited.

  “Let’s sit by the swings for a little while—I need to talk to you.”

  I squeeze his hand and kiss his cheek. “I’m here.”

  He sighs and mouths, thank you.

  Jojo runs to her room to put on her shoes. Gage concentrates on the bookcase. When I see what he’s looking at my heart slows down. It’s the same picture I have of him with Jojo when she was just a baby.

  I wish I could tell him that he’s going to be okay. That this is just a moment, not the rest of his life. That it’ll pass, and he’ll be able to smile again. While they’re outside, I busy myself picking up the dishes from the table. I’m close enough to help if he needs me but not watching them while they’re having such a heart wrenching private conversation.

  Maybe I’m becoming my father. I lose myself cleaning the kitchen, the dining room, and sweeping the house to push away the anxiety. I stop when there’s a knock on the door. Keane is on the other side.

  “Hey,” I greet him. “Does he know you’re here?”

  “He texted me. Jolene wants to see me.” He looks around. “Is she okay?”

  I point toward the backyard. “They’ve been outside for a long time, not sure what’s going on though.”

  “Oh God, I don’t know if I can do this? Maybe I should’ve never come back. Gage’s her dad.”

  “Stop,” I order him. “It’s okay to be nervous and afraid of what could happen, but you have to confront your fears. She might jump into your arms and say something sweet.”

  “She looks so much like her mom. What if I break down in front of her?”

  “It’s okay to cry, to show her how much she means to you. Tell her that you’re sad because you’ve been away for a long time but thrilled that you’re finally with her.”

  “You make it sound easy.”

  “Perhaps it’s not as difficult as your mind is making you believe.”

  This time, I follow him and see that Jojo and Gage are sitting on a bench in the patio. She’s swinging her little feet while watching Keane walking toward her. Jojo takes Gage’s hand.

  Keane squats right in front of her. “Hi, beautiful.”

  “I’m Jojo, not beautiful,” she snaps. “Where’s my mom?”

  Gage’s eyes open wide. He stares at Keane.

  “It’s just me,” he says, his voice in agony.

  “When is she coming?” She doesn’t let go of the subject.

  My stomach churns because I can feel her body trembling even though I’m not next to her. She’s shaking and her face tenses as the seconds pass. I’m ready to catch her when she hears that her mother’s dead. Instead, Keane makes his first and biggest mistake.

  “It’s complicated,” he says.

  “I don’t want you. I already have a dad. I just want my mom,” she screams and jumps off of the bench.

  Jojo runs away, toward the fence.

  “Jojo,” I call after her and take off right behind her.

  Luckily, I catch her before she reaches the gate. I notice Easton is right outside as if waiting for something.

  “Hey, I’m here,” I say and take her in my arms. “It’s okay to be upset. Tell me what can I do to make you feel better.”

  “Dad told me that I have another dad,” she sniffs, tears flowing down her cheeks. “He doesn’t love me anymore. He wants to send me away with Uncle Keane.”

  Since I’m at a loss for words, I draw circles on her back trying to console her.

  “I just want my mom,” she whimpers.

  My heart breaks with every tear she sheds. There isn’t much I can say to make this better. I wish her mom had made it and that she could be here to make everything better.

  “You’re an exceptional little girl, Jojo. You have a lot of people who love you so much and they want to protect you no matter what. They had to make sure that you’d be safe.”

  I cradle her and let her cry.

  “Dad doesn’t love me,” she repeats again and again.

  “Hey, he adores you.”

  I would love to tell her what he’s done for her. He sacrificed his career and his life for her. Dad told me how he cut back his touring time and his appearances. I had no idea he kept tabs on Gage even when they stopped talking to each other.

  I want to assure her that Gage has been keeping her safe for the past six years—and loved. He ensured that nothing would touch his private life so she could grow up safe and happy. Even though he’d like to keep her with him, he knows the right thing is to let her have all the time in the world with her real dad.

  “He’s one of the best dad’s I’ve met. Almost as amazing as mine,” I tell her. “If he could, he’d keep you forever, but it’s time for you to be with your biological dad. Keane loves you, sweetie. More than you can imagine. You should give him a chance.”

  “Are you going to leave me?” she asks, and the sadness in her is tearing me apart.

  “I’ll stay by your side for as long as you need me,” I promise.

  She doesn’t talk, only sobs after I tell her that. I’m able to stand up and take her with me to the couch. Gage and Keane are close but not hovering over her. I sing to her. She hides her face in the crook of my neck. When dinner time arrives, she refuses to eat. She wants to stay next to me. Once again, I promise her that I won’t leave her. It’s dark when she finally falls asleep.

  Gage helps me get her into her bed.

  Slowly, I walk toward my purse.

  “Are you leaving?”

  “I can’t,” I answer pulling out my phone. “I promised Jojo that I wouldn’t leave her. She needs consistency and for us to keep our word. I’m calling my parents to see if they can bring me some clothes and my computer.”

  “Check the closet. You might be able to use a few things. Also, you can use my laptop if you want to,” he whispers.

  “I can pick up your things from your parents’ if you need me to,” Easton offers.

  “Give me a second,” I say.

  I walk toward my old room, clutching the sleeves of my sweater. My breathing accelerates as I move the handle clockwise and push the door open. My eyes prick with tears as I take in the space. Nothing has changed except for the comforter, which is now black instead of white.

  The closet is exactly the same. My clothes, my shoes, and even my jewelry boxes are right where I left them. Nothing has been moved. It’s like I never left, as if he’s waiting for me to come back for the weekend or the holidays. I don’t know what to make of this room or the house. Gage put his life on pause, and he hasn’t moved forward.

  The weight of the entire day suddenly falls on my back like a ton of bricks, all at once. Jojo’s sadness grips my heart. And I hate that I still know Gage’s heart, his mind, and his soul. That I can feel the hot stabs puncturing his chest because he’s losing Jojo.

  All I know is that they both need me even though I want to escape this place. It feels like I’m standing in quicksand, an
d if I don’t reach for the rope and get myself out, I’ll be trapped and lost.

  I take one of his t-shirts, a pair of lounging pants, and I change.

  This is for Jojo, I repeat to myself. She’ll be better tomorrow, and then, I’m taking the first flight out of here.

  Tess: Dad, I have to stay at Gage’s for the night. Do you mind bringing me my backpack? The laptop and all my stuff should be in there.

  Dad: Is that a good idea?

  Tess: I promised Jojo. She’s heartbroken.

  Dad: I’ll be there in a few. Your mom wants you to call her if you need her. She’s worried.

  Tess: Thank you, Dad.

  Tess: I’m okay, Mom. A little shaken because it was sad to see Jojo’s heart break and I couldn’t do anything. But I’m good.

  Mom: Call if you need me. I love you.

  Tess: Love you too.

  The brothers sit by the fire. Gage sets a bottle of wine, glasses, and beers on the table. No one is talking.

  “Dad’s bringing my computer,” I inform them.

  “There’s wine and beer. I can bring you some tea if you prefer,” Gage offers.

  “Water is fine,” I say.

  Gage nods and goes back into the house. Five minutes later, he comes out with water and a plate.

  “We ordered Chinese,” he announces. I didn’t notice what or when they ate. The entire evening has been a blur for me. “I ordered everything you like. You should eat.”

  There’s a small portion of all my favorites: vegetarian fried rice, sesame shrimp, Mongolian beef, and orange tofu. He made my plate just the way I like it. I miss that about us.

  “Did you call the therapist?” I ask and begin to eat.

  “Yes, she’s coming tomorrow after nine,” Keane answers. “Thank you for being here for her.”

  I nod without saying a word. Gage sits right next to me and squeezes my hand. Maybe as a thank you for staying around, or as a way of saying I’m here for you.

  This whole situation hits a little too close to home. The day that Dad left the house after the divorce, I cried all night. He just up and left. I believed it was because he didn’t love me anymore. My mother made sure I thought that was why—that he had stopped loving us. She threatened me that I’d never see him again unless I did what she wanted. I just wanted my dad, and there was no one to hold me and reassure me that he did love me and wasn’t abandoning me.

  When Dad arrives, I’m in the kitchen putting the dishes in the sink. He walks toward me and hugs me.

  “Thank you. I have to submit a couple of articles tomorrow, and I’m only halfway done.”

  “Your mom sent some tea. It’s in the side pocket.”

  “Tell her I love her.”

  “Rodin, do you have a minute?”

  Gage nods, and they walk away.

  Forty-Nine

  Gage

  Kaden marches toward the edge of the backyard, close to the lake. I follow right behind. It’s a dark night, darker than my disposition. Not even the moon is out to illuminate the water. Watching Jojo cry all afternoon took every ounce of energy from my body. I’m exhausted, and yet, restless. This is just the beginning, and I have no idea what to expect.

  Jojo hates me.

  The last thing I want tonight is to deal with Kaden. I owe him an explanation. He might be ready to kick my ass for using his daughter to help solve my problems.

  “I’m sorry for what you’re going through,” he starts.

  I glance at him a little surprised by what he says. “It’s a tough situation. If you need me, call. I went through something similar when I divorced Alicia.”

  “Thank you, sir, I appreciate the offer.”

  I wait for him to chide me about his daughter or give me some kind of lecture. He says nothing.

  The silence suffocates me. “After the cartel destroyed the house I decided not to put her in danger. You have to believe me.”

  He glances sideways and shrugs.

  “I was between a rock and a hard place. I couldn’t leave Jojo behind, but I couldn’t deny Tess her dreams.”

  “What did you do with the ring?” he asks.

  “It’s still in the safe.”

  “Why would you keep it?”

  “Just because I can’t have the dream doesn’t mean I should stop dreaming.”

  He nods a couple of times. “Keep her heart safe during this mess. She never said it, but she’s always had a special place in her heart for that little girl.”

  “I couldn’t bring her into this mess,” I repeat to him, to myself.

  Kade pats my back, “And I appreciate it. This would be a million times harder for both of you if she were Jojo’s surrogate mom. Just handle everything with care. Once it’s all wrapped up, come and see me.”

  I stay right by the dock, looking at the water and hoping that the twisting feeling inside my chest goes away soon. It’s almost impossible as I keep seeing Jojo’s fallen face when I told her the truth.

  “You’re the most special present I’ve ever received. I love you more than I love anyone in the world. I’d give anything to keep you with me, but Keane is back.”

  “My Uncle Keane?” she asked smiling.

  I’ve talked about him just as much as I’ve spoken about Tess. For a moment, her world brightened even more. Finally, the people she’s been hearing about for all her life are here, and she can meet them. Except, I had to tell her the truth.

  “Remember how I mentioned that Keane has a dangerous job?”

  “Yes, he’s a special agent and makes sure that bad people go to jail.”

  “Exactly, and to do that, he has to hide and change his name.”

  “Like an actor, but his job is more important,” she continued, proud of her Uncle Keane.

  “That means, he needs to leave his family behind for months or years at a time.” I swallowed the orange-sized knot growing in my throat. “One summer, he came to visit me. He had the best news in the world. He’s going to be a daddy, but he couldn’t take care of the baby once she was born.”

  I took a deep breath. “He asked me for a very special favor because he knew that I’d love his baby as if she were mine.”

  Jojo held her breath and looked at me. “What happened to his baby?”

  “That’s you, sweetheart. He called me after you were born and asked me if I could be your dad until his case closed. I did it happily because I love you very much. You’re the most special kid in the world, and I knew that if I brought you home with me, you’d be safe.”

  She stayed quiet for a little while. I watched her as her mind processed what I’d said. Then, she asked. “Is he coming to visit us?”

  I nodded.

  “He’s the visitor who’s going to live with us.”

  I nodded once more.

  “Then he goes away, right?”

  “No, baby. He’s back because he put away the bad people. Now he’s ready to leave that job and live with you. Because you’re the most important person in his world.”

  “With us,” she corrected me.

  “As much as I love you and would love for you two to stay, it’s time for you to go back with him.” I let out the words, and they ripped out my heart.

  “Can I see him?”

  At that point, I believed she was handling everything well. That we would be able to transition her life smoothly until I realized why she called Keane.

  Her mom.

  Jojo wants her mom back.

  “You’ve been here for hours,” I hear Tess’s voice before I feel her right beside me.

  “I’d give anything to bring her mom back, even my life.”

  “Me too,” she says with conviction. “This is so painful to watch.”

  “You don’t have to stay.”

  The words come out of my mouth because I know they’re the right thing to say. I want to take them back though. I need her as much as Jojo does.

  “A part of me wants to pack my things and go back home. The other wants to sta
y and make sure that she’s okay.”

  “Which one are you going to listen to?” I ask, holding my breath.

  “The latter,” she says, and I sigh with relief. “Even though I know it’s going to kill me.”

  “I’m sorry for hurting you so much,” I apologize. “Fuck, you have no idea how painful it was to hide all this from you, but when I imagined what could’ve happened to you if anything went wrong, I just …”

  “Sophie’s Choice,” she says.

  “What?”

  “It’s a novel by William Styron about Sophie, a Polish immigrant. Before she arrived in the US, she had been arrested and sent to a concentration camp with her kids. When she arrives at the camp, Sophie’s forced to choose which of her two children would be gassed and which would proceed to the labor camp.”

  “No matter what she’s going to lose them both,” Tess mumbles closing my eyes. “It wasn’t a real choice. It’s a hard choice to make, but she saved one of her kids, I think.”

  “What do you mean when you say, you think?” I ask.

  “The author never tells you if the son comes out alive after being sent to the labor camp. He leaves it to the imagination of the reader. The point is that she lost them anyway,” Tess concludes.

  “It’s the same predicament,” she continues. “Jojo needed you. You did the right thing, Gage.”

  “Even when it hurt you?”

  “In the scheme of things, leaving me was the right choice. What would’ve happened if you left her? Who would’ve taken care of her?”

  I snort. “You know, I never asked Keane.”

  “Leave it that way. Don’t live in the past,” she says, trying to sound breezy, but I can still hear the pain and tension in her voice. “This moment will pass soon. Jojo will smile again, and you’ll be happy because you did the right thing.”

  “You’re like my guardian angel,” I say. I remember how she landed next to me when I felt lost.

  “Not really, but for some reason, I’m just around when you need me.” She gives me a sad smile. “Just don’t get used to it. There are millions of sea creatures that need me more, and that’s my life.”

  “I love that you followed your dreams. That you’re happy.”

  “Happiness is a state of mind that’s almost impossible to reach, Gage. Don’t confuse happiness with following your dreams,” she says, turning around and walking away.