Cuts like a knife

by Dana Monahan

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  At the other end of town, Ben winced against the familiar

  sharp pain in his stomach. It was getting worse and happening more frequently. For three months he had suffered from these abdominal attacks that came out of nowhere. He would hunch over, press his stomach with both hands and wait for the pain to subside. At first, a hit of acid or maybe a few shots of whiskey seemed to numb the biting pain, but now nothing helped.

  The music from downstairs drummed in his head. It was a busy night at Leroy’s, and he wanted to go downstairs, but he was tired; always so tired. Even the most mundane tasks took their toll, leaving him drained and short of breath. But it was the rapid loss of weight that scared him the most, he decided, noticing how his pelvic bone protruded as he pressed against the pain. He had always been thin, but now he looked anorexic.

  A light tapping at his door broke into his thoughts, and he felt slight irritation at the interruption. “Go away. I’m not open for business tonight.”

  There was a slight pause, and he felt relief, then heard the tapping again. “This had better be good,” he mumbled before pulling open his door. The sight of his sister, looking scared and nervous, brought him up short.

  Ben hadn’t seen her in over eight years. In that time, she had grown from a child into a woman and the changes surprised him. She was attractive in an earthy way, like his mother before she quit taking care of her appearance. His scowl turned into a smile and he stepped forward. Then he remembered the last time he saw her. He remembered how he had let her down. The image of Vinnie, his mother’s boyfriend, raping her flashed before his eyes in complete clarity. How he ran instead of helping her. Then his smile faded, and his eyes dropped to the ground sheepishly.

  “Come in It’s been a long time.” This was all he could think of to say.

  Laurie tried to conceal her look of shock at the appearance of her brother. He looked so thin, so pale and unhealthy. She wanted to hug him, like the old days. For a moment, it looked as if he was happy to see her, but then he had turned away. It made her feel dirty again. A feeling she had tried so hard to put behind her.

  “I need to talk to you about Mama,” she said, hating the bitterness in her tone, but the way he looked at her brought back old memories that had lain dormant for so long. “Vinnie’s back. He got out of jail last week and called her. He’s already moved into the house.”

  “What do you want me to do about it?” The hurt in her eyes generated by his callous attitude made him feel like a heel. Still not meeting her eyes, he changed his tone. “You’re not living there, are you?”

  “No. I got my own place two years ago. I’m a secretary for an insurance firm. It pays well, and I help Mama out. She’s been sober for over a year now,” Laurie said proudly, glancing around his small apartment looking for a place to sit.

  A green couch, worn and thin, sat in the middle of the room and she walked over to it. A small black ashtray overflowing with cigarette butts was placed on the arm, which she transferred to a long wooden table, scarred with scratches and burn marks before sitting. The pungent aroma of stale smoke and weed permeated the air, causing her to grimace slightly. Empty beer cans cluttered the counter tops in the kitchen and even his bedside table. She watched in dismay as her brother picked up a few cans in search of the full one he had opened before she got there.

  “I thought when you left, you’d find something better. You used to hate how Mama lived. I’m surprised to find you living the same way.” She didn’t come here to fight and instantly regretted her harsh words.

  Ben just shrugged, grabbed an old butt out of the ashtray and lit it. “You must realize that that there is nothing I can do. I am old and I am sick. She got herself involved in this and she will have to get out on her own.”

  “That’s not true. You’re better than this.” When her voice started to tremble, Laurie stopped to take a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I didn’t come here to insult you. I came for help. I want you to come with me to talk to Mama. I told her about Vinnie a long time ago. He convinced her that I was lying.” The tears fell now and she couldn’t stop them if she tried. “He said I was bad and he had to spanked me that I made up the whole story to get back at him for spanking me.” Dropping her head in her hands, Laurie started to cry with full racking sobs. She heard the creak in the floorboards and glanced through watery eyes at Ben, who walked stiffly to the fridge to grab another beer.

  “You know what he did to me. You couldn’t even look me in the eyes after that. I felt degraded and soiled, but it hurt even more that you couldn’t stand to look at me. I never brought it up again after that. I was afraid everyone would turn away from me. I wanted you to hold me, make it better, but you just looked at me in disgust.”

  Laurie watched as Ben chugged some beer. Getting up, she walked into the kitchen and stopped behind him. When he turned around she was surprised to find tears in his eyes.

  “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry that you believed I thought less of you.” Ben set his beer on the counter and held out his hands. “Is it too late to hug you now?”

  Laurie fell into his arms and he cradled and soothed her until the tears were gone. “I didn’t turn away from you. I couldn’t face you. You needed me and I ran because I was scared of what he’d do to me. Instead of hitting him with a baseball bat, I hit his car.”

  “You were right to run. He would have hurt you, too. But I need you now,” she pleaded. “I need to have you come with me and tell Mama the truth. I’m going over there tomorrow morning and I want you to meet me there. He has an appointment with his parole officer at nine.”

  “I’ll be there.”

  “I love you, Ben.” Laurie kissed his cheek and left.

  He would be there for his sister. It made his heart swell with pride to see how well she had turned out. And now, she would be a part of his life again. He felt somehow redeemed.

  Ben was finishing his drink when the pain hit. The can fell from his hands to hit the floor, splattering beer over his bare feet. He took a step back to balance himself and reached for his stomach. He cried out, but the sound was only a light whimper. Sweat, from panic, lined his forehead as his vision began to blur and the ground tilted beneath him. He was unconscious before his head hit the floor.

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  Three weeks later, Ben woke up in the hospital. A nurse informed him that he had been in a coma. When he asked for more detail, she only told him that the doctor would be in shortly. Looking around his room, he felt alone and helpless, as if he were caught up in a bad dream. The situation still didn’t seem real, except for the tube in his arm. He sent a silent prayer that he was just on some acid trip gone bad, and he would be coming out of it soon. When he tried to sit up, he simply lacked the strength and fell back in weary resignation.

  “Mind some company?” Laurie asked from the doorway.

  Her voice sounded funny and he wondered why her mouth didn’t move. They must have him on some heavy drugs, he decided, and smiled. As she got closer, he noticed that her mouth was wired shut.

  “What happened to you? Are you okay?” He asked, reaching out his hand. She took it and sat in the chair beside his bed.

  “I’m feeling better than you.” Her words were mumbled, but he could understand.

  “The nurse told me I’ve been in a coma. Last thing I remember is you coming to visit me.” His eyes opened wide when he remembered the reason for her visit. “Oh man, you were counting on me. Did he do that to you? I let you down again. I swear when I get outta here I’m going kill that bastard. I’ll make it right, Laurie.” A sharp pain sliced through his middle and he let go of her hand to press on it.

  “I’ll get the nurse. She’ll give you something for the pain.” Laurie was gone for a few seconds and then she was sitting beside him again. “Stay calm. It’s okay, Ben. Vinnie is going to prison for a few years. He showed up when I was talking to Mama. She kicked him out, but he came back later when he was drunk. He just ro
ughed us up a little before Mama hit him with a frying pan. He’s going back to prison for two years, probably one with good behavior.”

  “What happens when he gets out?” Ben made a valid point; he realized when her face crumpled.

  “He threatened us. When he gets out this time, he said he’ll finish the job he started.”

  “Not if I get to him first.” Ben started to say more, but the doctor came in the room.

  “It’s time for me to go. I’ll come back and visit later. Take care of him, Dr. Jones. He’s the only brother I’ve got.” Her back was already turned, so she didn’t notice the doctor’s grim features, but Ben had.

  The doctor added something to his IV bag and gave him a shot in the arm. “That will help with the pain. I’m afraid while you were in here; you suffered withdrawals from alcohol and drug abuse. They were severe and you went into a coma. You’re stable for the time being, but there are other complications you need to be aware of.”

  “Spare me the medical mumbo jumbo, Doc, and give it to me straight.”

  “You have cancer. It started in your abdomen, but has spread throughout this entire region.” He stated, using a finger to indicate the area between his pelvic and lower ribs. “I’m afraid it’s terminal. I estimate you have about six weeks with proper medical care.

  A few days later, Ben sneaked out of the hospital. He finally had a chance to do something for Laurie. He had had plenty of time to think while he was incapacitated. Now that he knew he was dying, there was nothing else to fear.

  Ben walked to his room and headed for his file cabinet where he knew a bottle of whiskey was stashed. When he lifted the bottle, he noticed the envelope with the pictures in it. With the whiskey in one hand and the pictures in the other, he strolled to the couch.

  Lovingly, he traced his finger over the first picture of Sierra. Maybe they would meet again in death, he hoped. He sifted through the rest of the pictures quickly, but stopped short at one in particular. Something occurred to him, and he found it strange that he never thought of it before. Then, with sudden clarity, he realized what he must do. Ben found an envelope and placed the pictures in it with a small note. Then he addressed it to James at his old address. On his way out, he asked Charlie to mail it for him.

  Within minutes, he found himself parked in front of the police station. The young receptionist seemed concerned when he asked for Officer Joe Yale. Wheezing from the effort of walking up the front steps made it hard for him to speak. A dull pain in his stomach reminded him he didn’t have much time and he prayed silently that he could take care of his business before he died.

  “How can I help you, Ben? Let’s go to my office.” Joe said, trying to hide his shock at Ben’s appearance. Joe did not care for the man Ben was, but he certainly didn’t wish death on him, especially right here in his office.

  “I’m turning myself in.” Ben said. Then, at Joe’s confusion, he stated matter of fact, “I want to turn myself in for the murder of Sierra Lock.”

  Chapter 20

  “Hey, it says this guy grew up in Angel Falls. Isn’t that where you come from?” Frank asked, holding up a well-worn magazine.

  Sitting up from the weight bench, James glanced at the picture and recognized Trent immediately. He was on the beach, throwing a miniature football to a dog that was caught on film leaping in midair. Reminders of his old life only brought on nostalgia, so James just nodded and lay back to do another set.

  “It says here he’s the next Joe Montana. I bet he’s got to push the babes away after that big contract he signed.” He turned the page, ignoring James indifference and let out a loud sigh. “Oh man. Look at this. What did I tell you? No wonder that boy’s smiling.” When James didn’t look up, he stood and shoved the picture in front of his face.

  Frowning slightly, James reached for the magazine and took a closer look. This time he wasn’t looking at Trent, but the model by his side. Long black hair hung down to her waist and her features were dark and exotic. The resemblance to Sierra was uncanny and he wondered if it might mean something. Then, slightly irritated with himself for grasping at straws, he pushed the magazine back at Frank. For the first few years, the identity of the man responsible for his incarceration plagued him. Now, he resigned himself to the hand fate had dealt him.

  “Yep, broads go for the money. What a lucky bastard.” Frank sighed and took a second look at the dark beauty.

  “Trent never had much of a problem attracting broads, even before he made it to the big league.”

  “What?” Frank jumped up. “You know this guy? He’s going to make history on the football field one day. What’s he like?” He looked thoughtful for a moment; and then shook his head with distaste. “He is just some jock strutting around like he’s better than everyone else. I’ll bet he’s an asshole with an ego the size of a watermelon. He probably dropped his friends like hot potatoes when he made it to the top.”

  James remembered the first time he met Trent at Leroy’s, when he warned him off Kelly. He was surprised to find himself laughing at the memory. James had liked him on the spot and bought him a beer. One drink turned into a few while Trent told James a few bawdy jokes.

  “Do you mind letting me in on the joke?” Frank asked sarcastically.

  “He made me laugh.” James shrugged noncommittally. “We hammered a few beers one night.” James stopped talking when he noted two guards, Johnson and Haggard, walking towards him.

  “Cordel. Warden wants you in his office.”

  James looked to Frank who shrugged in surprise. He stood up and fell into step with the two guards, who stayed silent on the short walk. Warden Baker was sitting regally behind his large wooden desk when they entered. The two guards disappeared discreetly, closing the door behind them. James noticed a movement out of the corner of his eye and turned to see Joe Yale standing in the corner of the room.

  “I’m glad to see you looking fit.” He walked over with a genial smile and reached out to shake James’ hand.

  “Have a seat. We have some important matters to take care of.” Warden Baker got straight to the point. “I have some release papers for you to sign.”

  “I’m afraid you’re going to have to elaborate,” James said warily, moving to stand in front of the chair. Warden Baker was a heavyset man in his late forties. James tried to read his mood, but his cherub features were deadpan. He shot a confused look at Joe, but he just smiled.

  “It’s simple enough, Mr. Cordel. You’re being released from prison. It seems someone has come forward and confessed to the crime.”

  “What?” James dropped into the cushy seat in bewilderment. It must be some sick joke they concocted to bring up his hopes, he decided, refusing to believe it.

  “It’s true. Ben confessed,” said Joe. He crossed the room to sit in the matching chair.

  “Ben had an alibi the waitress, Karen. She said she’d been with him all night.”

  “Evidently she got her nights confused. James, you’re free.” Joe genially patted him on the shoulder with his large hand.

  James lapsed into a momentary silence as he tried to figure the situation. Ben had been his friend. Why would he have let James take a fall like that if he were guilty? It didn’t make sense. James signed the papers and walked out of the warden’s office in a daze with Joe by his side.

  Frank was lying on his bunk, the same magazine in front of his face, when James entered the cell. Warily, he studied the large man with James before sending James a confused look. “What’s with the corny grin? If I didn’t know better, I’d think you just got laid.”

  “It’s even better.” James chuckled at Frank’s lifted brow. “I’m getting out.” Turning serious, he stuck out his hand. “I wanted to say goodbye. You’ve been a good friend.”

  Not wanting to intrude on a personal moment, Joe cleared his throat and stepped outside the cell.

  Frank stood slowly, his expression somber, and embraced the young man he’d taken under his wing. “You take care of your
self, boy. I’ll be mighty pissed if you get yourself put back into this dump. Now get on outta here.”

  “I’ll keep in touch.” James put his hands in the pockets of the jeans he’d been wearing when he got arrested. With one last look around the small dank room that had been his home for six years, he felt the familiar feeling of claustrophobia he’d acquired that first day. His eyes strayed back to Frank one last time. “When you get out, I’ll help in any way I can.” At Frank’s nod, there was no need for words so he turned around and left.

  “Thanks for bringing me the shirt,” James told Joe. It was a new plain T-shirt that fit snugly around his distinctly broader chest.

  “I knew you wouldn’t want to wear the complementary suit,” Joe offered on their way out. “How do you feel?”

  “Like somebody’s going to stop me any second and say it’s all a joke.” James could see the front doors to freedom before him and had to resist his urge to start running. It didn’t surprise him that his hands started to tremble, but he shoved them back in his pockets to hide his anxiety.

  “I don’t have anywhere to go, but I can’t wait to get there,” James said with a nervous laugh, causing Joe to look at him in surprise. “I’ll take a ride into town with you though, if you don’t mind. Drop me off at Leroy’s. I’ll buy you a beer.”

  “What about your house? Kelly?”

  “She’s got a new life now.” James walked through the doors and sighed in relief. He looked around, enjoying the view from the other side of the high barb wire fence. A bus blocked the right side of the parking lot, but he saw Joe’s patrol car on the left and took a deep breath. Somehow the air seemed fresher; the view of the mountains he’d seen for the last six years seemed new.