Hold Your Breath 03 - My Captain, My Earl

by K. J. Jackson

  Peace.

  He would take care of it. He would take care of her. Take care of Josalyn. There wasn’t a fiber in her being that did not trust that thought.

  She stepped into him, her arms sliding around his waist, her nose nestled into his neck. “I trust you. You will take care of us, Jason. I trust that.”

  The shudder that went through his body at her words sent a lump into her throat, and his arms came around her hard, crushing her.

  ~~~

  Katalin sat on the leather settee, elbows on her breeches and face in her hands, trying to settle her mind. She had asked for a moment alone, a moment to collect herself after all that had just transpired. So the knock on the study door startled her.

  The door slid open before she could answer, and Katalin was surprised to see her mother standing in the doorway. She stood, not moving forward, not moving backward, just standing and staring at Katalin.

  “Mother?”

  She stared at Katalin for a few more moments before her mouth opened and closed without sound.

  It was disconcerting. Katalin had never seen her mother looked so…undecided.

  “Are you well, Mother?”

  “I love you, my child.”

  “What?” Katalin came to her feet, jaw agape as her mother took one step into the room.

  “I love you. Loved you since the moment you were born. I never stopped, and once I had you back, I did not know how to tell you.”

  Katalin’s head cocked sideways, trying to place the brusque woman she had known with this change. “But you have been so…curt with me.”

  Her mother came fully into the room, stopping before Katalin. “I must apologize for making you think I did not care. I was abrupt because I was trying to save you, my child.”

  “Truly?”

  “Yes, daughter.” Her hand went to a loose strand of Katalin’s hair, fingering it, but not tucking it away into Katalin’s braid like she usually would. “You need to know you were perfect when I met you. It was a travesty that your perfect would not fit into this society. That it would not gain you the husband you needed. There are so many rules imposed upon us. I know I was cold, but it was so I could be objective—it was the only way I knew how to save you. I was not going to lose you again.”

  “You were cold to save me? That makes no sense, Mother.”

  “When I lost you after you were born, it destroyed me.” She dropped the lock of hair. “I did not think I could let any emotion manifest when you came back into my life. I could not be destroyed again—not when there was the very real threat of losing you. I could not be that vulnerable.”

  Katalin frowned, her voice soft. “And then I left.”

  Her mother swiped an ungloved finger across her cheek where a single tear had slipped. “When you disappeared, Katalin—I lived through losing you once more. And I was destroyed just the same—even with my distance, losing you was even more painful than I remembered.” She stopped, swallowing hard. “And I never told you. Never told you I loved you.”

  Katalin stepped to her, grabbing her and pulling her into a hug. To her surprise, her mother’s arms wrapped around her, holding her tighter than Katalin guessed her strength would allow.

  And her mother did not let go.

  For minutes, her mother held her, held her like she was never going to release her.

  Katalin gained control of her voice through her tears. “You are telling me now, Mother,” she whispered into her ear. “You are telling me now. It is all I ever wanted from you.”

  She could feel her mother nod, and then she released Katalin, taking a step backward. Hands smoothing the front of her navy blue dress, she smiled—an actual, genuine, warm smile. “You are still perfect, my child. Since the day you were born, until this moment, perfect.” She cleared her throat. “That said, I am fine with your chosen attire if your husband is, but I do hope that the breeches you are wearing will be short-lived.” She winked at Katalin.

  Katalin could do nothing but laugh, and her mother joined in with the slightest chuckle.

  Progress. It was small, but it was progress. Progress Katalin was more than happy about.

  “I will set to have all of our items gathered,” her mother said. “By the graciousness of the duke, we have all been staying here during your…adventure. We had wanted to surround Josalyn with the security of her new, extended family.”

  Her mother moved to the study door, then paused, turning back to Katalin. “You have chosen well, my daughter. Your husband. His family. Very well, indeed.”

  With a crisp nod, she exited the study.

  Katalin stared at the open doorway. Magical. How had all of this happened to her? How had she travelled from the depths of near-death, to this? Her daughter. Her mother. Her new extended family? Her husband.

  A wonder she would never understand, could only be grateful for.

  A smile on her face, she started to the doorway, but then movement outside one of the study’s windows caught her eye.

  White dots softly zigzagged downward.

  Jaw dropping, Katalin walked in a trance to the window, her nose pressing on the chilly glass, fogging it.

  Snow.

  This had to be snow. She had never seen snow before, only heard of it.

  She stood transfixed for minutes, eyes drying for lack of blinks. Breathtaking—utterly breathtaking.

  “Our daughter had much the same reaction as you.” Jason’s deep voice came across the study. “She wants you to see it.”

  Katalin could not look away from the flakes dropping lazily in front of her. “It is her first time as well.”

  She felt Jason’s presence move deeper into the room but could tell he stopped a distance away from her. Unsure. He was still unsure.

  As was she. There was one thing that still did not sit well in her mind, even though she tried to ignore it.

  Katalin took a deep breath, turning to him, leaning her head back on the window as her hands grabbed the bottom of the windowsill.

  “How could you leave her, Jase? How could you leave here before our daughter was safe? She is everything, and you left her.”

  One small step in her direction, Jason kept his distance, his face set hard, head slightly shaking as he spoke. “It was an impossible decision, Kat. Impossible. You were both gone, and emotion could not be a part of it. It was impossible. So logic made the decision. As the duke said, I was the better one to go after you, and he had the connections—the way into Daunte’s inner realm—and was the better one to go after Josalyn.”

  “But that means you lied to me on the Wake Ripper. You lied to me. You did not know if she was safe. You asked me to trust you, and then you lied to me.”

  “Dammit, Kat, I would have told you anything in that moment to get you to stop. Anything. I would have told you Josalyn was on the ship, if it would have made you stop.” He moved toward her. “I was not about to let you kill yourself.”

  “In the very same breath that you asked me to trust you, you lied to me.”

  “I did. Yes, I lied to you. I will make no excuses for it, Kat. I would do it again in a heartbeat. And if I have to lie to keep you safe in the future, then yes, I will do so again.”

  She rubbed the worry lines on her forehead. “How can you ask me to trust you to keep us safe—knowing that you would lie to me to do so? How can I accept that?”

  “I do not know, Kat.” He shrugged. “I guess that is part of the trust. That you trust me to make the right decision. That you trust me to lie to you, if I have to.”

  He walked toward her, stopping in front of her. “This threat, it is no longer your burden to bear, Katalin. You have carried it for you, for our daughter, for your father, for far too long. It was rightfully mine the moment we married on that island, but I abandoned you. Left you with it. I take this now. It is mine. I never want this worry to be yours again.”

  She looked away from him, staring at the fire in the fireplace for a moment before she looked back to his green eyes. �
��But the lies.”

  His hands went to her arms, sliding downward until he wedged his fingers under her palms and lifted her hands from the windowsill. He pulled them upward, holding them to his chest. “Here are the things I will never lie to you about, Katalin. I will never lie to you about how much I love you. How much I love our daughter. How you two are the very breath I breathe. Every heartbeat. Every thought.”

  He pulled her to standing. “I will never lie to you about your family. About our friends. About our life. The only reason I would ever lie to you, is to keep you safe. That is the only reason. And that. That you will just have to learn to live with. I can offer no promise beyond it.”

  “And if I cannot?”

  His hands left hers on his chest and he encapsulated her, pulling her tight to him. “You will, because I am not letting you go. Not again. Not ever. I swear to you I will never let another take you or our child again. And I need to hear you tell me that you will never leave me like that again, Kat.”

  His right hand came up, cradling the side of her face. “I told you once that I will be wherever you need to be. So if that is on your father’s island, then I will go with you and Josalyn there, or wherever else you think would be a splendid place to live. But you can never leave me again. Tell me, Kat.”

  Katalin looked up at him, tears welling in her eyes. “I will never leave you again, Jase. I never could.”

  He smiled, his grip tightening to her face. “I trust you, Kat. I trust you.”

  A soft knock on the study door filtered into the room.

  Jason turned to the door, answering the knock, his arm keeping Katalin solid to his side.

  Aggie poked her head into the room. “I am sorry to interrupt, but my niece wants to go outside in the most dire way, and wants you two. It has been a warm winter thus far, so this is the first snowfall. She is fascinated by the wonder of these flakes.”

  Katalin smiled at her sister-in-law. “As am I. Do not let her go outside without us. I will not allow her first time in snow to be without me and my first time in snow.”

  “We will be there in a moment,” Jason said. “Can you have a thicker cloak fletched for Katalin?”

  “Of course,” Aggie said, disappearing.

  Katalin moved around Jason to face him, her hands on his thick upper arms. “I did not acknowledge how hard that must have been for you, trusting the duke to go after Josalyn.”

  Jason nodded. “Luckily, the duke has proven himself time and again when it comes to my sister. I could not allow myself to believe he would perform in any less of a manner for our daughter. Plus, Aggie is on our side, and she is no stranger to searching the dark corners of London, if need be. I knew she would make something happen if it became necessary.”

  “She is a force, your sister.”

  “That she is. As are you, my wife.”

  Katalin smiled, watching the brown flecks in his green eyes. “As are you, my husband.”

  He came down on her, his lips touching her slowly, softly, taking her in as if there was all the time in the world. Kissing her in the exact way he first kissed her on the deck of the Windrunner. A kiss of exploration. Of longing. Of promise.

  She smiled to herself, the memory vibrant in her mind. But here she was today. Still his. Always his.

  He was it. He was all.

  Her captain. Her earl. Her soul.

  { Epilogue }

  Half hidden under Jason’s arm, little arms and legs wiggled and Josalyn snuggled deeper below the coverlet between Katalin and Jason. Katalin smiled to herself.

  Absolute perfection.

  Even if this had been their too-early wake-up notice every day for the past three weeks, and Katalin was dead tired. Absolute perfection.

  Josalyn had always been an early riser, but since they had arrived at the main Clapinshire estate, she had been jumping into bed with Jason and Katalin well before dawn.

  Her cold toes poked under Katalin’s thigh and Katalin twitched, flipping onto her side with a groan.

  Jason keeping her up late. Josalyn getting her up early. Still, absolute perfection.

  She cracked her eyes open to look out the window—a few rays of sunlight. That was improvement. Her gaze went down to her husband. He was still feigning sleep, and Josalyn was having none of it, insistently blowing into his upturned ear. Giggling. Blowing into his ear. Giggling. It went on for a minute until Jason bear-growled and captured her, squashing her deep into the bed.

  The subsequent high squeal of laughter rang in Katalin’s ear.

  Both Jason and Josalyn were laughing now, exchanging tickles, until Josalyn looked at Katalin, realizing her mother was being left out. She pounced. And Jason joined in.

  Katalin spun, squirming in the bed, trying to avoid the wiggling fingers to no avail. They captured her with ease and were merciless in tickling her rib cage and behind her knees.

  “Surrender, surrender, surrender,” Katalin managed to gasp out through tortured laughter.

  With a wicked laugh—too wicked for a two-year-old—Josalyn plopped onto her chest, hands squeezing Katalin’s cheeks. Jason flopped close beside her, his head propped on his palm, his hand protective over her belly.

  Katalin grabbed Josalyn’s hands, kissing the fingertips. “Josie, did you at least let Annette sleep in this morning before you came in here and jumped onto our bed?”

  Josalyn nodded, smirk on her face, which most likely meant her answer was really a “no.”

  “Oohh, sweet melon, I know you are anxious to get outside and plant more spring flowers today, but I have important business for you first.”

  Josalyn’s eyes went wide. “What?”

  “Do you remember today is the day Meme is leaving for London with Papi?”

  Josalyn nodded.

  “So you should go make sure Meme is awake—she will want to spend some time with you before she leaves.”

  “Yes, mama.” Josalyn clambered off Katalin’s chest and slipped off the bed, her bare feet pitter-pattering across the wood floor and out the door.

  Jason waited until the door closed to let his chuckle escape. He grabbed Katalin’s hip and pulled her closer to his warm body. “That was diabolical.”

  Katalin shrugged as she burrowed her face into Jason’s chest, closing her eyes. “Was it? I consider it self-preservation—I need more sleep.”

  “Are you not well?” The concern was instant in his voice.

  “I am. Reanna said she was tired like this in the early days of her pregnancy. It is normal.”

  “Were you this tired with Josalyn?” His chest vibrated with the low words.

  “I have no idea—all that time—those early months—a blur. I do not remember much of those days.”

  “Well, no need to think on it now.” He kissed the top of her head. “We are so firmly into this life, you should never have to look backward.”

  Katalin drifted into light sleep before his words ended, and was rewarded with five whole minutes of peace.

  Peace that vanished the moment Josalyn ran back into the room, leaping onto the bed. “Poppy with Meme.”

  Katalin and Jason both bolted upright, staring at their daughter.

  “What, Josie? What did you say?” Katalin asked. She had to have misheard.

  “Poppy in with Meme.”

  Jason sputtered a cough.

  Katalin thwacked his bare chest, but kept her eyes on Josalyn. “Oh. Well, let us give them a moment, then.” She tucked a curl hanging in front of Josalyn’s eye behind her ear. “Sweetie, can you have Annette get you into some play clothes? I am sure your father would love to get outside with you right away this morning—maybe check out the new foal in the stable?”

  Josalyn clapped, looking at Jason.

  He smiled at her irresistible glee. “Yes, I am all yours, little Josie. We are going to let your mother sleep this morning. Off you go. Clothes first.”

  Josalyn scampered out of the room and Katalin sank back into the pillows, staring at her husband, s
hock still on her face and forehead scrunched. “My father was in with my mother? What blasted craziness is that? Maybe there actually is something to what my father has been declaring for months now.”

  “That he would be getting your mother to marry him one of these days?”

  “Yes. I thought it ridiculous, but…but I guess it is possible.”

  “They were together once.” Jason’s hand went to her belly, rubbing. “So if Josie really found them together, and ran back into here, I would venture to say the thought is a bit less ridiculous than you imagined. And it will make Josie calling her ‘Meme’ much easier to explain.”

  Katalin rubbed her forehead. “I thought my mother was just accompanying father to London because she had to talk to her solicitor, but—do you think she is actually going with him to see Walton? Which I still do not condone—I do not know why father insists on seeing him.”

  “Forgive him for sins done?”

  “The man does not deserve forgiveness.”

  “It is your father’s choice, Katalin. His brother is on his deathbed. They will always have history we know nothing of, nor could understand.”

  Katalin shook her head, her hand going to Jason’s jawline, thumb caressing the scar. “Always too reasonable, you are. Too steady. I do not care for any of it in regards to Walton.”

  “I know.” He turned his head to kiss her hand. “But you also love me for that very same reason. You keep your opinions on him. Believe me, mine are even harsher. But if Walton needs forgiveness from his brother to leave this world, then I say God speed to your father.”

  Jason pulled down the coverlet from her chest. “But I do not wish to start the day with talk of Walton, my wife.”

  “No?”

  “No.” He leaned over her stomach, his lips on her belly through her blue night rail. “Good morning baby. Grow big today.”

  He kissed Katalin’s belly, just as he had done every morning since they learned she was pregnant. Sitting upright, he adjusted the coverlet, tucking it under her chin. “And you sleep well. I will make sure to wake you before anyone leaves.”