Chez Stinky

by Susan C. Daffron

  “What do you mean ‘rustic’? You aren’t saying I can’t wear my heels, are you? You know I like my heels. I feel naked without my heels. And way too short. I hate that.”

  “I’m just saying you might want to leave the stilettos at home. But it’s your choice.”

  Kat gave Maria directions and suggested she drive slowly up the driveway if she valued the suspension on her car.

  Chapter 5

  The Hot Spot

  All four dogs started barking uproariously from the basement and Kat looked out the window to discover Maria’s little red Mazda Miata picking its way around the holes in the driveway. The poor little sports car was designed for pavement, not rocks and potholes.

  Maria looked up at the trees as she removed the scarf from her hair. Kat sighed as she saw the four-inch heels on Maria’s sandals as she exited the little car. It was only four days; maybe Maria could make it through the visit without breaking her ankle or any other valuable body part.

  Kat opened the front door and ran down the stairs to greet her friend. Linus appeared from behind the house and launched down the driveway when he saw the interloper. Maria looked up from her purse; a look of first confusion and then horror crossed her face when she saw the great hairy animal. She ran behind her car and shrieked, “What is that?”

  Linus skidded to a stop and sat in front of Maria. Kat was impressed that in all the times she’d seen him meet people, he never managed to actually knock anyone over. He had amazing stopping skills, like a well-trained rodeo horse.

  Kat smiled and said, “That’s Linus. He’s a dog.”

  “Are you sure he’s really a dog? I didn’t think they made them that big.”

  “Yes, I’m sure. How was your drive up here?”

  Maria shrugged her shoulders. “What’s with the people here? I’m driving through town and there’s all these people waving at me. I didn’t know what to do, so I waved back. I felt like I was in a parade. Now, I’m okay with that because you know I’ve always wanted to be the princess on the homecoming parade float. That’s not going to happen at this late date. But I did get to do my best Princess Di wave. Maybe I can be elected Miss Alpine Grove. I need to get a homecoming king, though.”

  “You never know. It could happen. We can work on finding Prince Charming while you’re here. But people are friendly here. And maybe they haven’t seen a Miata in a while. There are a lot more pickup trucks here.”

  “I noticed that. Greta was intimidated by them. She’s a sensitive automobile, you know.”

  “Well, we can give her a break while you’re here. Put the top up and park her under that tree, so she can rest up for the drive back. We can take my car. It’s already thrashed.”

  Maria moved her car off to the side of the driveway and she and Kat grabbed the matching purple luggage set from the trunk. As they walked up the stairs, Maria looked down. “What’s with the shag carpet on the stairs?”

  “I’m not sure,” Kat said as she hoisted a large purple suitcase up the stairs. “Someone told me it might be there to make the stairs less slippery. The turquoise blue adds a certain focal point to the front entry I think. Better Homes and Gardens would be impressed.”

  Maria nodded. “Yeah, that’s some serious curb appeal you have going on here.”

  As the pair walked in the door, Maria took a cautious sniff. “Hey, it doesn’t stink! It even smells like you cleaned. Wow, you go, girl! Can you come to my apartment next?”

  Kat giggled. “No way. I’m exhausted. I’ve never cleaned so hard in my life. I loved my aunt, but she was no housekeeper, that’s for sure. I thought I was bad, but she wins the Golden Dust Bunny Award.”

  “You’re a smart, independent, hot woman and you shouldn’t have to clean toilets yourself. I want Rosie the Robot from the Jetsons. When are they going to come up with that?”

  Kat shrugged. “I always wondered how Rosie cleaned bathrooms, actually. She’s large and unwieldy. Cleaning bathrooms is a job that requires some flexibility. How would she get down into the bathtub?”

  “Damn, I never thought of that. Good question. Maybe she had the tub and toilet attachment? So where do you want me to put my stuff?”

  Kat nodded toward the living area. “The master bedroom is off to the left. You can have that. I’m going to sleep in one of the bedrooms downstairs. They still aren’t really cleaned out and the dogs are down there, which I figured you wouldn’t appreciate. I haven’t had time to clear out those rooms yet. Have I mentioned that my aunt had a lot of stuff?”

  “I like the log walls. It’s like being in Davey Crockett’s house. He was the King of the Wild Frontier, you know. It’s like pioneer days!” Maria dragged one of her suitcases across the floor singing the TV show theme song as she moved toward the bedroom.

  Kat followed her and reached around to open the door to the bedroom. “By the way, Murphee has been staying in here, so you have a roommate.”

  “Murph! How’s my gender-identity-challenged cat?”

  Murphee looked up from her spot precisely in the middle of the bed, where she was curled up in a tight ball. She stood up and stretched, reaching out her right front paw in greeting.

  Maria sat down on the bed, and Murphee crawled into her lap, ready to resume her nap in a warmer spot.

  “I’ll let you get settled. I just need to grab a few things. The bathroom is right across the hall.”

  Maria looked up from petting Murphee. “So what’s next? I want to go see this town with all the friendly people. I saw a lot of tractors. Maybe I can meet a sexy farmer.”

  “I’ve only been to one restaurant, but we can see if there is any place to meet people. I haven’t really explored much.”

  “If there’s a hot spot in this town, we’ll find it.”

  Kat closed the door. Finding a hot spot in Alpine Grove might be a bit more challenging than Maria expected.

  Kat carried her clothes down the stairs and was greeted by the four-pack of dogs who had been reclining in the hallway. She opened the gate and navigated through the hairy group. Linus, Lori, and Chelsey milled around her, stretching and yawning. Even Tessa, who rarely seemed to sleep, stretched deeply before she began bouncing around. Clearly, the canines were enjoying another tough day.

  Kat opened the door to one of the downstairs bedrooms and sighed. The walls had been painted a sickly light purple color and the floor had more of the ugly turquoise shag carpet that graced the front stairs. The room was filled with boxes and a twin bed covered with a purplish floral comforter. The color scheme and thick layer of dust gave the room a grisly, grayish cast. Kat was not looking forward to sleeping in here.

  She closed the door, walked across the hall, opened another door, and considered the merits of the other bedroom. Although the walls weren’t purplish, they were an equally revolting light baby blue. The room also sported more of the ugly blue shag on the floor. Abigail must have gotten that carpet remnant on fire sale. Like the other bedroom, this room contained vast amounts of stuff, but because it was a bit larger, it could accommodate a double bed, which made it less possible to cram as many boxes into the room. Kat decided this room was a marginally less creepy option than the first one and put her clothes down on the blue chenille bedspread.

  The dogs followed her into the room and began giving it the olfactory once-over. Tessa seemed to be almost hyperventilating on all the fascinating smells. What stories was the dog learning about Aunt Abigail from all the clutter that littered the room? After sucking up too much dust into her nostrils, Lori sneezed loudly and shook her head, flapping her ears.

  “Sorry, Lori. I probably should have tried to dust a little before you all came in here.”

  Lori wagged her tail and resumed her sniffing, undeterred from her quest to learn more about the room.

  Maria called from the top of the stairs “What are you doing down there?”

  “Sniffing mostly.”

  At the sound of Maria’s footsteps on the stairs, the dogs bounded out of the
bedroom to greet her.

  “Hey, it’s the giant hairy thing again! Why is the redhead dog leaping around like that? Does it have a problem?”

  Kat walked out of the bedroom. “The redhead is Tessa. Be glad she’s just jumping near you and not jumping on you. Believe me, it’s an improvement. The hairy thing is Linus. He’s a very sweet boy.” Linus wagged his tail slowly as if to emphasize the point.

  Maria pulled her hands up toward her chest to get them away from the many wet canine noses that surrounded her. “I didn’t think you even liked dogs.”

  Kat shrugged. “I never really had the opportunity to find out. My mom is the biggest neatnik you’ll ever meet. She makes Felix Unger look like a pig. Never in her worst nightmares would she allow something with fur into her pristine house.”

  Maria walked into the bedroom and looked around. “What’s in all these boxes?”

  “I have no idea. I’ve been cleaning upstairs and haven’t been down here much, except to feed the dogs. The bedrooms have been closed off to keep the dogs from getting into all the stuff in here.”

  Bending over a large box, Maria exclaimed, “Hey, this one says photos! We have to check it out. I love looking at pictures of people I don’t know.”

  “I might know some people, I suppose. At least my aunt.”

  Maria grabbed a photo album out of the box and sat down on the end of the bed. Kat sat down next to her and watched as Maria opened the quilted orange-polka-dot cover. The first page had a note that said, “To Abigail with love from Kelly.” Kat squinted at the text. Who was Kelly and why had she made the album for Abigail?

  Maria burst out laughing at a photograph of an older woman standing next to a well-built, tanned, and darkly handsome shirtless young man. She pointed at the flower lei around the older woman’s neck. “Hey, look! This old lady got leid! Do you know who this is?”

  Kat bent over the photo to get a closer look. “I think that’s my grandmother. She was Abigail’s sister. It’s hard to imagine her cutting loose with a sexy guy in Hawaii. My mom may be uptight, but my grandmother makes my mother seem like a wild, free spirit. We’ve never really gotten along that well. Every time I’ve visited her, she makes sure to let me know how much of a disappointment I am.”

  “Have I mentioned lately that your family really needs to lighten up?”

  “Yeah, I know. What can I say? I’ve always been the weird one.”

  Maria turned the page on the photo album. “Hey, check this out. Somebody has been chopped out of these photos.”

  “That’s probably the Lumberjack. My aunt was married to him and the story is that it ended badly. He ran off. No one knows where he went. He could be dead for all I know.”

  “Look at this one! Instead of using scissors, she used Wite-Out to remove him from the convertible. That’s pretty creative. And sorta creepy. It looks like Casper the Ghost threw up all over that fine ’65 Mustang.”

  Kat giggled. “Like I said, from what I heard, the thing with the Lumberjack didn’t end well. You know what they say about a woman scorned. The impression I got was that the demise of that marriage wasn’t pretty.”

  Flipping to the next page, Maria said, “Who is this person?”

  Kat looked at the photo, which showed two women and a girl standing in front of a garden holding hands. On the left, a much younger version of the Abigail Kat remembered stood next to a little girl who appeared to be about seven or eight years old. Another woman about Abigail’s age stood to the right of the little girl. The year 1960 was imprinted along the rippled edge of the photo.

  “I think that’s my aunt. I’m not sure who the girl or the other woman is. She looks kind of familiar, though. I wonder if I met her when she was older.”

  “Well, it looks like they were friends.”

  Kat squinted at the creased black and white photo. “Oh my God, I think that’s Louise. She sure looked different.”

  “Those bouffant hairdos made everyone look like Doris Day. You can’t even tell women apart in those old movies.”

  Kat looked up and smiled at Maria. “You’ll be happy to hear that Louise has changed her hair. It’s blue now. And she worries about it a lot too. When I saw her, she was fretting about her hair appointment. I’m guessing the Alpine Grove beauty salon is where you can get all the dirt in this town. Louise certainly seems to, anyway.”

  “Well, I don’t want blue old-lady hair, so I’m not going to that place, no matter how good the rumor mill action is.” Maria closed the album with a thump. “We should get ready to hit the town. I’m not here for very long and there could be hot men out there that need to get a glimpse of me. I need to go upstairs and get changed. I have to figure out which one of my outfits would be the best one to wow a farmer.”

  Kat was less optimistic about Maria’s chances for romantic encounters during her visit. Given the men she’d observed so far in Alpine Grove, Maria would be doing well if she found a guy who still had all his teeth.

  After taking the dogs out for their afternoon walk, Kat changed into the sundress and strappy sandals that she hadn’t worn since her first visit to Chez Stinky. It was nice to dress up again after so many days of wearing her grubby cleaning garb.

  Maria emerged from the bedroom wearing a skin-tight red v-neck dress that left no curve unattended on her well-rounded form. The little red handbag she clutched in her left hand matched the color of the nail polish on her fingernails and toenails, which peeked out through the front of her four-inch heels.

  Kat raised her eyebrows. “Wow. You’re ready for action. I feel like Mary Ann to your Ginger. I think Gilligan is going to throw me off the island.”

  Maria ran her hand across the front of her red dress, trying to smooth out some puckers in the stretchy fabric. “I just hope I don’t need to pee. I’m wearing a foundation garment and it’s complicated. It takes a lot of work to look this good.”

  “You mean a girdle?”

  Maria gasped. “No! Girdles are for old ladies. A foundation garment is what gives me this fine, smooth look.”

  “Isn’t that what a girdle does?”

  “Maybe. The lady at Victoria’s Secret says this is different. It’s got miracle fabrics. Old lady girdles don’t have miracle fabrics.”

  “I suppose that could be true. Are you ready to go?”

  “You know it. I was born ready. And I brought music to put us in the right mood.”

  After they got into Kat’s Toyota, Maria pulled out a CD case and put the CD into the player with a flourish. As the car bumped down the driveway, the music informed them that the two women needed to pull out their umbrellas because it was raining men.

  Kat looked over at Maria. “Really? The Weather Girls? Way to have an ’80s flashback.”

  “It’s all about your attitude.”

  The CD skipped and got stuck on the chorus. Hearing that it was raining men on droning repeat seemed a little ghoulish so Kat popped out the CD. “Let’s wait until we get on the pavement.”

  “Yeah, there’s a fine line between rain and a flood. Maybe I’ll bring another CD next time.”

  As they approached the main street in Alpine Grove, Kat considered their options. Nightlife and Alpine Grove were words that were not often used in tandem. She’d noticed a bar called the 311. That seemed like a decent place to start.

  Maria got out of the car and yanked on the hem of her dress to pull it back down where it was supposed to be. “We need to go someplace where I can stand or lean on something. I need to pose gracefully. Sitting causes issues with my dress.”

  “There’s a bar down here. I’ve never been to it, so I don’t know what the seating situation is there.”

  “Lead on.”

  The two women entered the 311 through a heavy wooden door. Kat peered into the dark smoky room. The 311 had all the hallmarks of the quintessential dive bar, complete with dirty wooden floors and paneling. Country music wailed from the jukebox and a few people were sitting at the dark smoke-infused wooden tables,
nursing bottles of beer. Kat and Maria walked up to the bar, and Maria hoisted herself up to partially sit and partially lean on one of the Naugahyde bar stools. Her dress mostly stayed down, although the rest of the bar did get a good look at one of Maria’s ample thighs.

  The smell of smoke permeated the place and Kat coughed, which helped to get the bartender’s attention. He walked over to them.

  “What can I get you ladies?”

  Maria said, “I’ll have a sex on the beach.”

  “Excuse me?”

  Maria yelled a bit louder, “Sex on the beach!”

  “Are you saying you want sex? Or a drink?”

  The music from the jukebox stopped and Maria said forcefully, “I want a sex on the beach!”

  Most of the patrons of the 311 looked over at the bar. Someone in the crowd whistled and shouted out, “Me too!” Maria looked over her shoulder. “It’s a drink, people! What is wrong with you? Get your mind out of the gutter.”

  The bartender looked slightly flustered and said, “I usually just pour beer. I’m not sure how to make that. What’s in it?”

  Maria gave him a stern look. “What kind of bartender are you? It’s got cranberry juice, pineapple juice, peach schnapps and vodka.”

  “Um, I think we have orange juice. What’s a schnapps?”

  “Fine. I’ll have a screwdriver then.” The bartender looked blankly at her. “It’s orange juice and vodka.”

  “Okay. Coming right up.” He looked at Kat. “Anything for you?”

  “No thanks. I’m the designated driver.” She pointed her thumb at Maria. “She’s the designated drinker.”

  “I’ll be right back.”

  Maria readjusted her skirt, which was again trying to crawl up her leg. She gave up on the idea of leaning and pulled herself up so she was sitting completely on the barstool with her legs crossed at the ankles. “Why do they make these things for people who are seven feet tall?”