Though My Heart Is Torn

by Joanne Bischof

  “I’m not.”

  It hadn’t taken more than a few weeks before Cassie had learned what kind of man she’d married. It had taken Gideon less time to realize that he wasn’t the marrying type. The magic quickly faded, and they fought like two cats in a basket.

  Cassie’s chin trembled. So convincingly. “I thought I wanted to end it as well.” A tear slipped down her ivory cheek. She quick-wiped it away. “But I didn’t know … I was torn.”

  Reverend Brown waved Gideon to stand. “Please return to your seat, Mr. O’Riley. Displays of chivalry won’t get you out of this mess.” He closed the book with a thud and cleared his throat. “It’s apparent we have a situation on our hands.” He laced his fingers together and laid the mass of knuckles on the book. “Gideon. You have two wives.”

  Two wives. You fool.

  Gideon jumped to his feet. “But we can fix that. We can change the ledgers. I’ll sign it. Cassie’ll sign it. We’ll fix it. Forget the circuit rider. I’ll go straight to the courthouse right now—” When the reverend looked about to reprimand him again, he sank into his seat and captured Lonnie’s hand, hoping her familiar touch would calm his nerves. “This can be fixed.”

  “Seems simple enough.” Reverend Brown directed his words to the stout man beside him who was yet to speak. “Except for one problem. Cassie has made it clear that she no longer wishes to dissolve your marriage. She—”

  Boots sounded on the stairs. Every head turned to the back of the church. Henry Allan walked toward them, followed by Cassie’s brothers. Jack. Samuel. Eli. Gideon noticed the shotgun in each man’s hand as they strode up the aisle.

  “Cassie does not want to go through with a divorce.” Henry squeezed his daughter’s shoulder.

  Gideon’s heart iced over. “Why now? Why didn’t you speak up sooner?” he growled.

  “I did.” Her eyes snapped. “I tried to speak to you several times. You always managed to duck away. I even wrote you a letter. Months ago.”

  Gideon groaned, dropping his head in his hands. The letter he’d never read. The one he’d torn to pieces. To prove his love for Lonnie. And look what it had done to her.

  He turned to Cassie and spoke her name. “We’ll do what we need to do to end this.”

  Lonnie shifted beside him. Gideon wanted to comfort her. She was the woman he needed. Yet he stared at Cassie. You’ll end this. You’ll give me my freedom.

  A gruff voice interjected. “My sister ain’t gonna sign nothin’ she don’t want to.”

  Gideon chewed his cheek. He did not need to turn around to know who had spoken. He’d always recognize the voice of his childhood friend. Eli.

  Reverend Brown leaned back in his chair and tipped his face to the unwelcome guests. “Gentlemen, if you want to be present, I must ask you to keep your peace. Please be seated.” He lowered his shoulders with a heavy sigh. “There are three points that need to be clarified today. I feel the first has been done. Cassie Allan wishes to keep this marriage intact.”

  Reverend Gardner shifted forward in his seat. His voice was kind. “Gideon, she’s made that fact clear. I’m afraid we have our hands tied.” His eyes took on a sorrowful glisten. “Your marriage with Lonnie is putative.” His throat worked. “That means it is … invalid.”

  Invalid.

  Gideon forced his lungs to fill with air. “But I have a son with Lonnie.” His voice faltered as he stretched one arm out wide. “Shouldn’t that carry more weight? I have a marriage certificate with her as well. Doesn’t that mean anything? Shouldn’t I be able to choose?” Yet the word invalid clouded his mind, darkening the hope in his heart.

  Reverend Brown raised a hand. “If it were only that simple. That certificate may be as worthless as the paper it was written on.” He used the satin ribbon to open the church ledger back to the page that recorded Gideon’s past.

  His mistakes.

  “Reverend Gardner has shared the documents with me explaining your marriage to Lonnie on the”—his finger tapped the date—“nineteenth of August. Barely three months later. Did you not think to verify with Miss Allan that she had indeed handled things, as you say? Or that you were free to marry someone else?” He looked at Gideon, his gaze no longer sharp. “You overlooked a very important detail, Mr. O’Riley. Did you not think?”

  He’d let his passions rule him the night he’d pulled Lonnie close on the hillside. Gideon glanced at her, wishing with all his might that he hadn’t been that monster. When he spoke, his voice was as lifeless as his hope. “No sir, I did not.”

  The reverend closed the book and steadied it on his lap. He cleared his throat. “As it sits, the state of Virginia still sees Cassie Allan as your legal wife. We’ve been in contact with the courthouse, and they are awaiting a decision. One that may easily be made.” He eyed them all. “We can settle this now. Between the lot of us. I fear that if this goes further, if this goes to the law, the results will not sit well with you, Mr. O’Riley.” His face shadowed. “They will not be as merciful.”

  Gideon shifted his boots. They felt like lead weights against the floorboards. He glanced around the room, struggling for something. Anything. “Wait. You said there were three things to figure out. What else is there?”

  “Oh.” The reverend drew in a weary breath. “I take it there are no children from the union with Miss Allan?”

  “No. Not that I know of.” Gideon glared at Cassie. “Anything else you want to tell me?”

  Cassie made a face.

  The reverend rolled his eyes. “I’ll take that as a no.” Picking up a pencil, he made a note.

  “And the third?” Gideon asked.

  “From what’s been discussed, I don’t think the third point will be to your advantage.”

  “Why? What is it?” It had to be worth a try.

  Reverend Brown shook his head slowly. “With all due respect to your son and his mother, there is a possibility this can be altered. But I doubt that possibility rings true.”

  Gideon leaned forward.

  “All right then.” The reverend cleared his throat and folded thick arms across his chest. “It has to do with the manner of the relationship between you and your first wife.”

  Gideon felt his face flush.

  “Regardless of how things … began … it’s more important how they ended. You’ve made it clear that neither of you favored the union, but was it always that way? Was the marriage between yourself and Miss Allan—”

  Gideon nearly stood. “I don’t see what this will solve—”

  “Silence!”

  He straightened against the pew. His heart banged against the wood behind him.

  “Was the marriage between yourself and Miss Allan. consummated?”

  Air left Gideon’s lungs.

  The reverend arched an eyebrow. “I need an answer.”

  Gideon’s throat tightened.

  Lonnie tensed.

  The reverend shifted his attention to the opposite pew. Gideon looked at Cassie, but she did not meet his gaze. Her cheeks reddened, and she tilted her face away.

  “Yes? Or no?” Reverend Brown demanded.

  Cassie’s voice was meek when she finally spoke what Gideon would not. “Yessir. It was.”

  Lonnie yanked her hand from his.

  Like a demon that could not be cast away, his past had come back to haunt him. Gideon tried to swallow, but his mouth was dry. His two greatest fears rivaled each other for the throne of his mind. He had broken Lonnie’s heart. Yes, that was bad, but the other was worse. When Gideon saw the shadow of condemnation that passed from Reverend Gardner’s face to Reverend Brown’s, his other fear had no rival—he was about to lose her forever.

  It can’t be. The reverends spoke to each other, their faces grave. Lonnie’s stomach knotted. The room spun. Her hand was cold without Gideon’s to hold, but she could not touch him. She could not look at him.

  Gideon rose.

  A man spoke. “Please stay where you are.”

  Lonnie glanced at
the stern faces seated in the pews behind her, but she could not guess who had spoken. Her soul seemed to float away toward the rafters of the church.

  Ignoring the warning, Gideon reached for Lonnie’s hand, and his fingers grazed hers. She winced. “Lonnie, please. I love only you.”

  Cassie’s brothers rushed to the front of the church. With fire in his eyes, Eli grabbed Gideon by the shirt collar and, in one strong motion, shoved him down against the seat with every bit of force that could have filled the man. Gideon’s face struck the wood, and when Eli released him, Gideon crouched to the floor.

  Lonnie shrieked. Reverend Brown shot to his feet.

  Cassie jumped up. “Eli, stop!”

  Gideon touched a hand to his face. Blood trickled from his nose, landing in dark, red spots on the floor.

  “Don’t hurt him!” Cassie cried.

  Clutching Gideon by the shoulder, Samuel yanked him to his knees and grabbed a fistful of hair, pulling his head back until his face tilted toward the rafters. The shirt across Samuel’s shoulders strained against his flesh. Eli lifted his shotgun and pressed the tip of the barrel to the exposed skin of Gideon’s throat. Cassie shrieked. Lonnie screamed.

  “You gonna run?” Eli sneered. “Huh?” The gun pressed deeper. He cocked it. Samuel’s grip tightened on Gideon’s injured shoulder.

  Reverend Brown hurtled forward. His chair crashed to the floor. “Boys! Stop!” He tried to shove Samuel aside. “Eli!”

  Eli did not budge. When Gideon tried to move, Eli shoved him down and smashed his shoulder to the floor with the heel of his boot. Gideon grimaced.

  His face blurred behind Lonnie’s tears.

  “Release him!” Reverend Brown’s voice boomed through the hollow chapel. “Now!”

  “Please, Eli,” Cassie cried. “Let him go.”

  Lonnie sank back. Please, Lord. She prayed it over and over, unable to put her fear into more words.

  The fury in Eli’s face tempered, and he pulled his shotgun away. Still panting, he stepped back and released the hammer.

  Lonnie’s stomach churned, and she pressed her fingertips to her mouth when the room spun.

  With a groan, Gideon rolled to his side and spat out a mouthful of blood.

  His face scarlet, the reverend pointed toward the door. His eyes darkened. “Outside! All of you—now!”

  Still breathless, Eli stumbled as he took several more steps backward and ran curled fingers through his hair. He kept his gaze locked on Gideon, his other hand wrapped around his gun, knuckles still white. Casting a sorrowful glance at the scene, Jack turned away and followed them toward the door.

  Reverend Brown strode a step behind. “I said, outside!”

  Cassie crumpled to Gideon’s side, and Lonnie stared in disbelief as her fingers landed on his arm. “Gideon, I’m so sorry.”

  He cocked his head in her direction and blinked up at her for several moments. He then turned to Lonnie, and their eyes met.

  Gideon. Lonnie’s gut wrenched. “Are we finished?” she asked, and glared up at the reverend.

  Pale, Reverend Gardner clung to his chair as if it would protect him from suffering the same fate as Gideon.

  Lonnie wanted to go home, but she suddenly didn’t know where home was. The air around her felt stale, empty. She realized how alone she was.

  “Lonnie, take him to your father’s house.” Reverend Gardner reached for his hat. “Reverend Brown and I need to discuss the issues.”

  Lonnie shook her head in disbelief and rose. Gideon slowly stood. She wished at that moment they could be as sparrows and fly from the whitewashed building, gather up Jacob, and wing their way out of this nightmare. Yet as she shadowed Gideon toward the door, she knew a peaceful ending was impossible. He had betrayed her.

  Outside, Eli’s gun glistened beneath a noon sun as he lowered it into his wagon.

  They could not flee. They could do nothing but wait. Lonnie looked up into his face. Gideon. Her Gideon. “Why did you do this?” she breathed.

  His gaze fell to her, eyes crushed with a sorrow that could never be enough. It would never be sufficient. It would never undo what he had done to her. To Jacob. She had trusted him. She had loved him.

  And he had deceived her.

  Every kiss. Every smile. All a betrayal. Lonnie pressed a hand to her stomach. She blinked back tears and sent a silent plea heavenward.

  Cassie brushed past her and clutched Gideon’s elbow. “Are you all right, Gid?”

  Lonnie’s throat burned. “He’s fine,” she blurted.

  Cassie’s hand fell.

  Though she did not owe the woman a reason, Lonnie gave one anyway. “He just needs to get home.”

  Cassie bobbed her head, her eyes apologetic. Lonnie wanted to slap the look off her face. She led Gideon through the church door. Mr. Allan and Cassie shuffled out behind, but Lonnie paid them no mind. All she wanted to do was get out of this place. She wanted Jacob. She wanted Elsie.

  “Gideon.”

  They both turned to see Reverend Gardner standing behind them. His voice steadied. “Don’t try and run away. I know you’re thinking it, and I don’t blame you.” He cast a wary glance over his shoulder. “I’ve met with the Allans several times over the last few months, and they assured me that they would not take it well if you were to abandon their sister a second time.”

  Lonnie forced herself to make sense of the man’s words, rearranging them to be different—but each time the meaning was the same.

  When Gideon started to protest, the gray-haired man held up a hand. “I know, I know. We have not even resolved the matter. I am just warning you. We will by this evening.” With a sigh, he lowered his voice. “I’ll do what I can to help you two. If this is what you want, I will try to persuade Reverend Brown.”

  Gideon nearly smiled—the corners of his mouth turned up, and his green eyes sparkled with hope. “I would appreciate that.” He blinked slowly. “More than you know.”

  Lonnie didn’t share his comfort. For cobwebs had stitched themselves in the path from her mind to her heart.

  “Yes. Yes. Well, don’t count your eggs just yet. But I’ll see what I can do.” He tipped his hat and cleared his throat. “Besides”—he glanced at Lonnie’s face, and she knew what fire he saw there—“it looks like you have bigger problems to worry about.”

  You think so? Her anger bubbled, nearly sending the words to her tongue.

  The reverend motioned toward the wagon.

  “Just give us a moment,” Gideon said.

  With a curt nod, Reverend Gardner strode toward his wagon.

  They stood there alone. Lonnie watched Gideon’s chest slowly rise and fall beneath his white shirt. She couldn’t bring her eyes to his face.

  “How could you do this?” she whispered.

  His hand found hers.

  She pulled it away.

  As if moved by an urgency, he held the back of her head, pulling her to his chest. Lonnie could hold back the tears no longer. She clutched his shirt in her hands. Wanting to shake him. Wanting to hold on and never let go. Her Gideon. He kissed her hair, lingering, and her shoulders shook with sobs. She slid free. She couldn’t be that close to him.

  Something had broken inside her, and she didn’t know if it would ever be repaired.

  How would she wait until evening? She wrapped her arms around herself, digging her fingers into whatever flesh they found. Her knees threatened to buckle. Run away. Like a caged bird, the possibility had flitted about her mind all morning. But it was no solution. Gideon cupped her elbow, and she stepped away, lest she forget that he hadn’t truly changed. At least not enough.

  Lonnie hopped down from the wagon and strode off. Gideon called her name. She quickened her pace to a run. Her boots squished in the slick mud, but she managed to keep from falling. He caught her wrist, slowing her gently. She struck his arm and yanked free.

  “Lonnie.” He ran in front of her, halting her steps.

  She shoved against his shoulders, not
caring when he grunted in pain.

  “Lonnie, please.” He held his hands aloft, making no move to stop her.

  She searched defeated eyes. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done?”

  He tugged off his hat. Ruddy hair stood out in all directions. “I don’t expect you to forgive me.”

  She made an incredulous sound.

  “I should have told you. I thought it was all settled; I thought there was no reason to bring it up. Lonnie, I—”

  “No reason to bring it up?” Her jaw went slack. “No reason to bring it up? How about the fact that I was your wife? Is that not reason enough to tell me that you were married?”

  He palmed the back of his head, fingers digging into his skin. “I was wrong. So wrong. If I could do it all over—”

  “Gideon, don’t you know what’s happening?” Her voice cracked. “They’re going to take you away from me.” She let out an infuriated groan and crouched down, fists pressed to her eyes. What was she saying? Why oh why did she have to love Gideon O’Riley?

  “No, don’t say that.” His voice shook, drawing her eyes to his face. “Please.” The last word came out broken.

  Slowly, she stood. “Why? Because you love me?”

  “Yes.” He gripped her arms, lowering his face until they were eye level. “With everything that’s in me.”

  She pulled from his grasp. “Then tell me. Exactly what happened.”

  As if her words had punched his chest, his chin tipped back. “You don’t want to—”

  “Tell. Me.”

  Their gazes locked and held. She refused to glance away. The breeze swirled her hair, and she clutched it away from her face. He ran a hand over his unshaven jaw.

  He took a deep sigh. Then another, his eyes on the ground. Remembering. “I was so stupid … I’ve known Cassie since I was a kid. Her brother and I were best friends.”

  Lonnie stepped closer, so soft was his voice.

  Ever so slowly, Gideon shook his head from side to side. “I … I …”

  Lonnie rolled her eyes. “You liked her. Just spit it out.”

  Clearing his throat, he blinked rapidly, his eyes finding hers. “I did. We started spending a lot of time together. First it was all just fun. Then it just … changed.” He cleared his throat as if the truth tasted bitter. He shifted his feet, then straightened his shoulders. His resolve. “There’s a cabin on her pa’s farm. An old shack, really.” Guilt tipped his eyes to the ground. “We went there so we could be alone.”