Chasing Him

by Kennedy Fox

  “First off,” I begin with Jackson on my heels as I open my door. “Maize spit up on me, and I had every intention of changing, but then my mother called, and I got sidetracked. Second, I literally have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  I set Maize down on my bed and walk to the dresser for a T-shirt. Tossing it over my head, I pull my arms through and smooth the material down my stomach.

  “You seriously don’t know?” He cocks a brow, leaning against my doorframe with his arms crossed. He looks pretty hot in his dark jeans, blue shirt, and black cowboy hat. He wears the look so effortlessly, and I can see why Kiera’s been smitten with him since she was a teen.

  I lift my arms up and let them drop to my sides. “I seriously don’t know.”

  “What did you do last night?” he asks, and his sudden change of subject gives me whiplash.

  “Um…I watched a movie, stuffed my face with popcorn, and then passed out after Maize’s first feeding.”

  “And the night before that?”

  “I went into town to meet up with my cousin, Kat, and we went to the mall and dinner before I came back here and got up with Maize. Three times.” I groan. She’s starting to teeth, and I only suspect it’s going to get worse.

  “And tonight?” he asks.

  “Well, tomorrow is Saturday, so I’ll get to sleep in, but I’ll probably just take a bath, read, or watch another movie.” I pause, thinking about how sad my life sounds right now. “Okay and now you just made me realize how pathetic I am. Thanks.”

  He chuckles, shaking his head. “And what did John do those nights?”

  I have no idea where he’s going with this, but I play along anyway. “Well, we normally eat dinner together, and then he plays with Maize for a while or gives her a bath, then he’ll either read to her or rock her to sleep. Then about an hour later, he goes to bed.”

  “And that’s been his routine since the day Maize arrived,” Jackson adds. “No going out, dating, drinking, having a social life. He’s made Maize his number one priority.”

  Picking Maize up, I walk us out of my room and to the living room so I can set her in the new Jumperoo I told John to order. “What does that have to do with what I’ve been doing?” I pause, then continue. “Wait. What do you mean since she arrived? You mean since she was born?” I turn and ask Jackson once I make sure Maize’s settled.

  “Uh, yeah. Well, kinda.” He sucks in his lower lip as if he’s unsure he should discuss it.

  “Where is her mother?” I ask, taking a seat on the couch next to Jackson. “He never talks about her, and I’ve been too nervous to ask.”

  Jackson rubs the back of his neck, obviously torn between telling me or not but then opens his mouth to speak. “It’s not really my story to tell. John doesn’t talk about it much anymore, so I’m leaving that up to him to tell you.”

  My shoulders fall, feeling so out of the loop about the whole thing. I know it’s not my business, but I can’t help being curious considering I’m watching over Maize every day.

  “Okay, I can understand that. I just wish he’d let me in a little, ya know? One minute, he seems fine, and the next, he’s pushing me away. I always feel like I did something wrong.”

  “John can be a difficult egg to crack,” he admits. “But my whole point before was he’s changed a lot recently and having you around scares him. You’re in his house, around his baby, wedging your way into our lives, and it’s not something he’s familiar with. He likes to deny it, but he’s attracted to you, and my theory is, he feels guilty about it. John likes to play by the rules, mostly, so you’re off-limits in his mind. He pushes you away when he feels like he’s getting too close and thinks he should only be focused on Maize. He’s not one to put himself first—ever.”

  This all shocks me, considering it’s coming from Jackson of all people. I don’t know how much truth his words hold, but I can’t discredit them just yet. Part of me wants to believe he’s right, but the other part refuses to accept it.

  “You know, this is pretty ironic coming from you, Jackson,” I tease, pushing his buttons. “Don’t think I haven’t heard the rumors about you.”

  He starts laughing, obviously not caring if I know or not. Shrugging, he gives me a look like he’s guilty and knows it.

  “You should be taking your own advice and stop running away from what’s right in front of you.”

  “Nah.” He smirks. “What fun is that anyway?”

  I roll my eyes at his attempt to act like he doesn’t care. I have a feeling not many girls get to see this side of Jackson, and I understand why he’d be easy to fall for too. If only he’d admit his feelings for Kiera to himself. Typical.

  Jackson rises from the couch and leans down to give Maize a kiss on the head. “Oh,” he says, turning around to face me. “John thinks you and I hooked up the night you went out not too long ago. I didn’t exactly deny it, so he might be less grumpy if he knew the truth.”

  “Oh my God! Jackson Bishop!” I shout, laughing at his pathetic expression. “You’re awful! No wonder he’s been avoiding me like the black plague.”

  “Well, keep walking around without a top on, and he’ll be on you like chicken pox.”

  I let Jackson’s words swirl in my mind all afternoon. I’ve suspected John was attracted to me that first morning he walked into the kitchen with a hard-on, but then I figured morning wood was the cause of that. It’s hard not to notice the way he looks at me and how he tries to keep his distance but then finds any reason to be near me. I’ve lived in the friend zone so long that I always doubt I could ever be more than that to a guy I’m equally attracted to.

  However, now I’m certain I know the truth, and I want to give John every opportunity to tell me himself. Does he really think I’d go out with Jackson after it was evident he didn’t want me to? Is that why he’s been extra moody lately and why he sees me as off-limits?

  Questions dance in my head along with my old friend doubt. Am I off-limits because I’m his nanny, or does he think I’m too young? It hasn’t been brought up, but it’s something I thought when he randomly made a comment about not having life experiences.

  I graduated college early, have lived at home my entire life, and now I live here. I’ve never truly been “on my own,” but at twenty-two, the opportunity to be on my own just hasn’t arose yet.

  Still, I don’t think that’d be the reason. If John had a relationship with Maize’s mother and things ended badly, he could be avoiding women in general.

  Tonight, I decide, I’m going to get to the bottom of this.

  John got home about an hour ago, and though I’m technically off duty, I love watching him play with Maize. I made a simple pasta dish for dinner, and right after, he hopped in the shower. I stayed in the living room and put Maize on the floor to do some tummy time.

  “You’re getting so strong, baby girl,” I praise as she holds her neck up and bounces up and down. She fusses at first, wanting to roll over or be picked up, but I don’t give in just yet.

  Grabbing the small book that’s next to a pile of toys, I start reading to her in hopes it distracts her, and she doesn’t give up on her tummy just yet. I’m finishing up the last page just as John walks in wearing a pair of low hanging gray sweatpants, the very ones that always make me do a double take, except this time he’s not wearing a shirt. I notice it’s still in his hand but silently pray it combusts into a million tiny pieces, so he doesn’t put it on.

  “She’s getting good at that,” he says as he watches us play on the floor.

  Looking up from my heavy eyelashes, I focus on the deep chiseled muscles across his stomach and the little droplets of water that are dripping down. Not to mention the tattoo on his side.

  There’s no way he’s not messing with my head right now. Which if he is, isn’t fair because I’m fully clothed, and my hair is up in a messy knot, and I barely have any makeup on. In fact, I look quite rough, but considering I’m getting up with Maize at night and then taking care o
f her all day until he gets home from work, I have every right to look like I’ve been run over by a truck.

  “Uh, yeah. I think she’ll be rolling over within a couple of months, and then you’ll have to watch out because next comes the crawling, then the walking.”

  “I’m not sure I’m ready for that,” he admits. “I’ll have to baby proof the entire house it seems.”

  “Yeah but you can use baby gates to keep her out of certain rooms and locks on cabinets. Though that never stopped my twin baby sisters from getting into everything in sight.”

  He sits on the floor and crosses his legs before picking Maize up and kissing her cheek. “You have twin sisters?”

  I sit up, knowing I told him this during my interview, but I also know he was pretty sleep deprived then. “Yep. My mom got pregnant with them when I was ten, and they were like my real-life dolls. As I got older, I started helping out a lot more and basically helped raise them. I have two other younger sisters, and we’re a few years apart, so our house was pretty crazy most of the time.”

  “Wow, yeah sounds like it. Did you like having that many siblings?” he asks, placing Maize in his lap and successfully blocking my view of his tattoo and abs.

  “Yeah, I always loved having a big family. It felt special, ya know? I loved taking care of them, and I guess I was just born with a maternal instinct. As soon as my parents needed something, I was there ready to pitch in. I learned to change diapers at a young age and helped potty train my sisters along with lots of other stuff.”

  “You want to have a big family of your own too?”

  I smile wide. “I do. I think it’d be awesome.”

  He nods.

  “However, I’m not sure it’ll ever be in the cards for me. Guys don’t tend to see me that way.”

  John arches a brow as if I’ve said the craziest thing ever. “I doubt that.”

  I snort. “I don’t. The guy I’ve crushed on for four years took me by surprise before I came to Texas by not only forgetting to tell me he was seeing someone, but that she’s pregnant and they’re getting married!”

  John’s eyes widen, and I’m sure I sound like a jealous lunatic, but I’ve had time to think it over since leaving Georgia.

  “I’m happy for him, though. It’s made me realize I shouldn’t wait to tell someone how I feel about them.” The air between us grows thick, and when he sucks in his lower lip, I wonder what he’s thinking. “Which leads me to this.”

  He blinks, his body straightening as I continue. “I didn’t go out with Jackson when I was all dressed up. Kiera invited me to go out with her, and we spent the night sharing a margarita and talking about her boyfriend, Trent.”

  “What?” His expression softens, but I can’t tell if it’s due to relief or confusion of bringing it up.

  “Jackson was over this afternoon and told me you thought we went out, but I just wanted you to know that I have no interest in going on a date with him. Never did.”

  “I’m gonna kill him,” he mutters, which makes me chuckle. He inhales a deep breath before bringing his gaze back to mine. “What else did he say?”

  “Basically, that you’re stubborn and how Maize’s been your only priority since she’s arrived.”

  He holds his stare on me, and I know he’s wondering if there’s more.

  “He didn’t tell me much else, but I did ask him about Maize’s mother. He said it wasn’t his story to share, which is why I’m bringing it up now.”

  John looks down at Maize with pain in his eyes, and I feel sad that her mother isn’t in her life for whatever reason.

  “He also told me you haven’t dated anyone since then.”

  John rolls his eyes and grunts. “So, what? You guys hung out while I was at work and discussed my life without me?” He sounds pissed, which I guess I should’ve considered, but it was the only way to get him to open up to me.

  “No, actually, he normally stops in to say hi and play with Maize for a few minutes.”

  “He does?” His brows raise in shock.

  “Yeah. It’s cute actually. He loves her a lot.”

  “Yeah, well he’s a real pain in the ass a lot, so…” he mumbles.

  “While I don’t deny that’s true, I know he only wants what’s best for you, and he can see that you’re going through some shit that you refuse to talk about.”

  “Mila,” he says in a low, warning tone that sends shivers down my spine. “I don’t know what he’s all told you, but you should consider ninety-nine percent of it is bullshit.”

  “Really?” I raise my brows right back at him. “So you don’t consider me off-limits and you’re not denying you’re attracted to me?”

  His jaw clenches with anger as he purses his lips into a firm line. Kneeling, he sets Maize in the Jumperoo with her pacifier and stands.

  “Stay with her. I’ll be right back,” he orders as he starts walking away.

  Quickly, I get to my feet and chase after him. “John, wait.” I grab his arm and pull myself in front of his body. “Why are you running away? I’ve been living in your house for over a month, and I still feel like you’re a mystery to me. Why can’t you talk to me and open up about what you’re really feeling?”

  “Mila, move.”

  “No. Not until you talk to me.”

  “I don’t have anything to say, so please get out of my way so I can go murder my brother.”

  He tries walking around me, but I press my palms against his chest and stop him. “Tell me,” I say softly. “Tell me what happened to her mother.”

  The pain flashes across his face, and I feel awful bringing it up because I can see how much he’s holding back his emotions.

  His eyes meet mine as we stand chest to chest.

  “Did something happen to her?”

  “Yes.” He brushes a hand through his hair, the longer strands sticking to his fingers as he stares up at the ceiling. “I didn’t know Maize existed until she was nine weeks old, and she was dropped off on the porch of the B&B.”

  “Oh my God,” I whisper in shock, taking a step back. “Someone just dropped her off and left?”

  “Yeah, I guess. It was her lawyer fulfilling Bailey’s last wishes.”

  Bailey.

  The moment her name crosses his lips, he cringes as if it was painful to say aloud.

  “She passed away,” I say, already knowing the answer.

  “Yeah. She did. I hadn’t even known she was sick. Or pregnant.”

  “Wow. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say, John. But you can talk to me about her anytime you want.”

  His eyes lower to the floor, and he doesn’t speak for several seconds before wrapping a hand around the nape of his neck and releases a slow breath.

  “You’re off-limits because you work for me, Mila.” He finally speaks, but his words are like a punch to the gut, and I immediately wish I hadn’t asked him in the first place. “It’d be inappropriate to cross those boundaries, which is why I push you away most of the time. You’re gorgeous, and I’d have to be blind not to notice. But it’s more than that, too,” he states but doesn’t explain.

  I don’t know how to respond, so all I do is nod as if I understand his reasoning, which doesn’t feel any different than the constant friend zone I’ve lived in for the past four years.

  “You’re an easy person to get along with, and that’s not something I’ve ever had before. I’ve never really wanted to get to know a girl on a deeper level, but watching you with Maize every day, the way you’ve opened your life to be with her, and the way you’ve helped me learn about her needs, has affected me in ways I didn’t even realize until it was impossible not to have you on my mind. You walkin’ around in those tiny shorts with your hair up in those messy buns, exposing that soft part of your neck, and the way you dance around my kitchen as you make breakfast has made it impossible not to have you on my mind, Mila.”

  I swallow hard at his unexpected confession, and it stuns me silent. I want to reach out and touc
h him, but I’m frozen in place.

  “But that doesn’t change the fact that you’re Maize’s nanny and you’re living in my house. I don’t know what your future plans are, but I doubt it’s to live in small-town Texas on a ranch.”

  I tilt my head and give him a look as I cross my arms over my chest. “And how would you know what I want?”

  “You’re too young to know,” he states, and it feels like a direct punch to the throat. “You just graduated college and have so much ahead of you still.”

  “So what…you just decided for both of us what I want? That hardly seems fair.”

  “Well, life isn’t fair. Just ask Maize who doesn’t get to grow up with her mother because she died of a brain tumor.”

  His words are harsh and hit me so hard, I drop my arms and gasp. “A brain tumor? I’m…sorry.”

  I can’t even imagine, and sadness washes over me as I think about little Maize not ever getting the chance to have her mother in her life. I couldn’t live without my mother, and I find myself tearing up at the thought of losing her.

  Things start to make sense now, and I can’t stop the words from spewing out of my mouth. “You feel you don’t deserve to be with anyone,” I finally say after a minute of awkward silence. John’s hard expression softens just enough to know I’m onto something. “She’s not here, and Maize doesn’t have a mother, so you feel you don’t get to be happy, right? Whether or not it’s because I work for you or because I’ve invaded your life, you don’t want to cross a line that could lead to something you think you aren’t allowed to have now. Well, I can’t speak for anyone else, but you deserve everything, John Bishop.” I take a step closer, placing my hand on his cheek and feeling the warmth on my palm. He doesn’t flinch like I anticipate so I bring his face to mine and press my lips ever so lightly against his. “You deserve to be happy, and one day you’ll realize that, but when you do, you just might be too late to get the happiness you were after.”

  “Mila,” he whispers, placing his forehead against mine as he sucks in a breath. Even though the kiss was brief, his lips were so warm and inviting, and it takes willpower I didn’t know existed not to maul his mouth completely.