Chasing Him

by Kennedy Fox

  Erin looks at me. “Is there anything you’d like to add?”

  I glance over at my lawyer, and he tilts his head, giving me the final decision. I look at the Kensingtons, making eye contact with them, and I try to believe they aren’t as bad as the first impression they gave me. Though I felt as if their apology was sincere, it was still a mistake to come at me the way they did. Their threats have hung over me and my family for the past two months. I’ve had to speak with my lawyer on several separate occasions, wasting the precious moments I have left with Mila, and they’ve caused me to look over my shoulder more times than not.

  With all that being said, Mama always taught us not to hold a grudge. She’s all about forgiveness and giving second chances, though I find it really hard to do at times. I’m not one to punish my daughter because of the way they acted, and I feel that they deserve to be excluded from her life. I’m an understanding man, and their words about losing their only daughter and not having the time to fix their mistakes spoke to me. Knowing how much I love Maize, I couldn’t imagine losing her and can’t begin to put myself in their situation. Because Bailey warned me about them, I’m hesitant to allow them in her life, but I don’t think it’s fair to Maize until she’s old enough to decide. When she gets older, the questions will come about her mother, about her mother’s parents, and I don’t think I’d have the heart to tell her I refused to allow them in her life. She’d hate me for it, and I couldn’t live with that. They could give her way more insight on Bailey than I ever could, and I can only imagine Maize will want to know as much as possible. So many thoughts stream through my mind, and the only thing that takes me back to the moment is my lawyer clearing his throat.

  “I’ll consider allowing you to see her under my terms, which is supervised visitation. To be honest, I don’t trust either of you as far as I can throw you, not after you put a price on my daughter’s life. But she has the right to get to know you and decide if she wants you in her life, and I’ll allow that—for now, at least. There will be a day when she’ll want to know things about Bailey, things I don’t know.” I pause and look at them. “I don’t owe either of you anything, and the only reason I’m doing this is because my parents taught me empathy and how to put myself in other people’s shoes. But there is one condition.” I swallow hard as they keep their eyes focused on me. “I want to know where Bailey is buried.”

  Mrs. Kensington has tears streaming down her face while Mr. Kensington consoles her. She eventually wipes them away and gives me a small smile. “We will. Thank you for this. Thank you so much.”

  Erin’s smiling big as she writes down everything on a piece of paper. By the time I look up at the clock, we’ve been here close to three hours. I’m emotionally and mentally exhausted, and I can’t wait to breathe in some fresh air.

  Before we’re dismissed, the Kensingtons tell me where Bailey is buried and draw a map on a piece of paper. We exchange phone numbers, and the mediator gives a closing statement and finishes writing up our agreement. Since our attorneys are present, we’re encouraged to sign the terms, which we all do. I make it clear that they will see Maize on my terms that work with my schedule, and they wholeheartedly agree.

  Once the meeting is over, I can’t help but think how much easier this would’ve all been if they would’ve just asked to be in Maize’s life from the beginning. All of this has been a huge waste, but I’m glad it’s over for now. After the Kensingtons leave, I sit with my lawyer for a few more minutes, and he explains my rights again. I agree to meet with him next week to wrap up everything and give him a firm handshake before I leave.

  I walk across the parking lot and look up at the blue skies. Relief washes over me, and I hope that this is really over without anymore meaningless threats. Maybe we’ll all be able to move on and try to heal for Maize’s sake. I climb into the truck and look down at the piece of paper that has the name of the cemetery written on it. Since I’m close, I decide to drive over there, though I’m not sure if I’m emotionally ready.

  Our relationship started and ended so quickly. We fell too fast, and it scared the shit out of us both. She made it very clear what we had was nothing more than fun, though I was developing feelings for her that were stronger than I was used to having. We planned to meet up one day for horseback riding lessons, and she didn’t show. I texted and called her, but she never responded. I left messages, and after a while, I just asked her to send me a quick text to let me know she was okay. She never did that either.

  The way things ultimately ended broke my heart. But in a weird way, I understood. I thought maybe she was getting too attached as well and found it better to break it off before we became serious, which is something she was very adamant about not happening. Thinking back now, it’s probably because she found out she was pregnant, but I wish she would’ve told me, so I could’ve been there for her through everything. I will never fully understand her reasons for staying away, which makes it hard not to resent her for that.

  I pull into the cemetery and can’t find the strength to drive to her resting place. I sit in the truck and look around at the headstones, close my eyes, and replay the few memories I have of us together. It’s been over a year already, but it feels like centuries have passed since then. I’m not the same man I was. I’ve changed for the better, and it’s all because of Maize, my little saving grace.

  Regret for not fighting for Bailey, for not telling her how I really felt washes over me. It’s something I’ll have to live with for the rest of my life, but it’s a mistake I won’t make twice. Putting the truck in drive, I turn around and make my way home. There are things I need to work out with myself before I can visit her grave.

  On the way back to Eldorado, my mood is somber, and I feel numb. Meeting with the Kensingtons took everything out of me, but I know when I walk inside the house, I need to leave all that at the door. When I finally arrive home, I sit in the driveway until my vision blurs, and I gain my composure. I see Jackson at the barn and wave at him before walking through the door.

  Mila is asleep on the couch with Maize lying on her chest. They’re both conked out, and I stand there for a moment admiring how peaceful they look. My two angels. As if she could feel me staring, Mila’s eyes flutter open, and she smiles. Having her look at me like I’m her everything will never get old. I carefully lift Maize off her chest and hold her in my arms while she stays asleep.

  “How’d things go?” Mila whispers, searching my face.

  “It’s over, I think. We found common ground. They just want to be in Maize’s life, and as much as I wanted to say no, I decided to allow it. Supervised only and I set the dates and times.”

  “Yeah? You’re a saint because I don’t know if I could’ve done that.”

  I explain to her everything they said about Bailey and grieving, and she almost tears up. Mila leans over and kisses me so softly that I nearly float away.

  “She can probably be put down for a nap,” Mila tells me, looking down at a snoring Maize.

  “I got it.” I smile and stand and carry Maize to her crib. On the way to my room, I glance inside Mila’s room and see most of the Packer stuff has been removed from the wall and is sitting in a box along with a few suitcases of clothes. I feel a hand on my back, and I turn around and see Mila who doesn’t look very happy about it either.

  “I had to keep busy, and since I only have a week left, I thought I might as well start packing.”

  I nod, swallowing down my emotions. Once Maize’s situated, I stand in my room and run my fingers through my hair before going to Mila.

  She’s standing at the door of her room, looking around at everything, and I come up from behind her and pull her in my arms. I have to taste her, be with her, feel her near me. I have to enjoy the last seven days like it may be the last because it very well could be.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  MILA

  My room is completely empty of everything I brought here with me. The closet and dresser are empty, the bed�
�s been stripped and replaced with clean sheets, my posters are gone, and it no longer feels like mine.

  I hate it.

  Yet I know I have to do this. I promised John I wouldn’t pass up the opportunity even if I’m struggling with that decision. Morgan Primary School is where all the Carmichael kids went, and it’s a small school, so everyone knows everyone. I’ve wanted to teach in my hometown’s school district for as long as I can remember, and if I don’t take it, I know John would constantly be worried I regretted that decision.

  However, I haven’t even left yet, and I’m already regretting having to leave him and Maize. I can’t imagine being gone the whole school year even if that’s what I told John. I already know that when I’m back in Georgia, half my heart will still be in Texas with them.

  I can’t deny that I’m excited to see my family and give Graham six months’ worth of auntie kisses. Sarah’s been sending me pictures of him, and he’s grown so much. She even started seeing someone a few weeks ago, so I hope to meet him soon too.

  All of that aside, I’m dreading the fact that Gigi and Kat will be driving me to the airport tomorrow morning. This is my last night here for who knows how long, and I’m just not ready.

  Pretty sure I’ll never be ready.

  “All the boxes in the truck?” Mrs. Bishop asks as I stare into my bedroom for the last night.

  “Yes, Mama,” John answers for me. During my time here, I accumulated so much stuff and most wouldn’t fit in my suitcase, so I packed a few boxes to ship home instead. Since Mrs. Bishop is taking Maize for the night, she’s offered to take them down to the post office for me.

  “Everything in the diaper bag that I need?”

  “Should be,” I answer. “I double-checked it.”

  “Perfect.” She rests a hand on my cheek, and I can tell she’s getting emotional too. “You have a safe flight back, ya hear?”

  I force out a half smile and nod, holding back the tears that are threatening to release. Mrs. Bishop pulls me in for a hug and squeezes me. I hold her just as tight because I’m going to miss her just as much.

  “You call me if you need anything, dear. Anything, okay?” she whispers in my ear, and I nod in agreement.

  “I will.”

  She steps back before leaning in to kiss my cheek. “Bye, honey. We’re gonna miss you.”

  “I’ll miss you too.”

  John walks over with Maize on his hip, and I know he’s trying to hold it together just as much. “She’s ready,” he announces.

  Before he hands her over to Mrs. Bishop, I hold my arms out. “Wait. Let me say goodbye to her.”

  John and I are spending our last night together alone, but I’m going to miss Maize so much. It’s close to her bedtime anyway, but at least the three of us spent all day together. John had his assistant take over the B&B the past couple of days, so we didn’t waste a minute apart.

  I take Maize into my arms and hold her against my chest as I inhale her fresh baby scent. I’d been so good at controlling my emotions up to this point, but the moment Maize looks up at me, the tears pour out. I’ve grown so attached to her, it feels like I’m leaving my own child.

  “I can’t do this,” I mutter, squeezing my eyes shut. “She’s going to be so confused why I left.” It’s not fair.

  “We’ll FaceTime every night,” John promises. “She’ll still see you.”

  “It won’t be the same,” I argue. “I’m going to miss her so much.”

  I kiss her cheeks and hug her tightly, not wanting to let go. She’s been on such a great schedule lately, only waking up once during the night. She takes regular naps and has set eating times. Now she has to get to know a brand-new sitter all over again.

  “I love you, Maze. Don’t forget me, okay?” I kiss her head before handing her off to Mrs. Bishop.

  “She won’t, honey,” Mrs. Bishop promises.

  John walks them both out and returns moments later.

  “C’mon,” he says, holding his hand out for me to take. “Let’s take a shower.”

  I take his hand in mine, and when we step into the bathroom, he turns and wipes the tears away. Cupping my face, he presses a soft kiss to each cheek and then looks at me so damn sweetly it makes me tear up all over again.

  “I should’ve told you this a long time ago, but I can’t let you leave without saying it.”

  Narrowing my eyes, I ask, “What is it?”

  The corner of his lips tilts up in a warm smile, and it’s a particular look he’s reserved only for me. “I’ve fallen madly and deeply in love with you, Mila Carmichael. I love you so damn much that it’s hard to find words that will give justice to the way I feel. Every day we’ve spent together will forever be a memory I’ll hold on to for the rest of my life. No amount of time or distance will take that away.”

  “I hate you so much right now for telling me that,” I say as the tears continue falling down my cheeks. I consider myself pretty emotionally stable when it comes to handling things that are difficult, but this is completely breaking me. Taking my face in his hands, John wraps his arms around me and holds me against his chest. I can feel his heart beating and think how much I’m going to miss it.

  “Let’s take a hot shower, baby. I want to make love to you all night long.” John pulls back and tugs at my shirt. I raise my arms and let him take it off. Next, he undoes my shorts and slips them down with my panties. Unhooking my bra last, I slide out of it and stand in front of him completely naked.

  Grabbing his shirt from behind his neck, he rips it off. I watch as he continues stripping and try to memorize every inch of his gorgeous body. But it’s his heart and soul I admire most.

  Neither of us speaks while we wait for the water to warm. Once it’s ready, he grabs my hand and leads us inside the shower. The stream cascades over us as our bodies mold together in a desperate kiss. With his hands in my hair and on my body, I wrap my arms around his waist, holding him as close to me as I possibly can.

  John pushes me against the shower wall, so the water hits his back. His lips on mine are hot and greedy, and I welcome them. After a moment, I feel tears against my cheeks, and when I open my eyes, I see he’s crying. I hate to see how deeply this is hurting him and nothing I say will mend either of our broken hearts.

  Bringing my hands up, I cup his face and bring his mouth back to mine. “I love you, John,” I say against his lips. “I love you so much it hurts.”

  His mouth crashes against mine, and we both know nothing else needs to be said. Our tongues dance together, and my body melts against him. John grabs my leg and wraps it around his waist, and I feel how hard he is against my stomach. In one swift motion, he slides inside me and makes love to me, expressing everything we’re both feeling. His lips on my neck and jaw have me begging him for more. The way he makes me feel when he’s inside me is indescribable. It overtakes all of my senses and gives me a sense of peace all at once. Our eyes lock as he continues thrusting in and out. We’re both panting loudly as the love between us pours out with every movement.

  My body tightens, ready to collapse as he releases himself inside me. We’re both moaning against each other as he presses his lips back to mine, letting our bodies stay connected as long as possible.

  “I’ll never resent falling in love with you but letting you go is something I’ll always regret even if it’s the right thing to do,” John whispers, and I know he’s falling apart right along with me.

  “Leaving you and Maize is the hardest decision I’ll ever have to make, and I already regret it,” I admit, not even bothering to hold back the tears.

  “You’re making the right choice, Mila,” he tries to tell me with a strong voice, but I hear it cracking underneath. “Even if it’s hard to realize it right now.”

  John pulls me to him and kisses me slowly. He washes my body and hair for me, neither of us speaking or having to. We’ve said everything we need to say and know how we feel about each other.

  I never expected to fall in love
when I came here. Never expected John, Maize, or his entire family to mean so much to me. Life is filled with so many unexpected obstacles that I hadn’t even realized coming here would change everything. Now, I have to leave it all behind.

  After John thoroughly cleans every inch of my body, I return the favor and take my time memorizing him. I trace my finger along his tattoos and kiss him with a fervor I’ve never felt before. Once we’re clean, he shuts off the water and wraps a towel around me. He dries me first and then himself. I watch him intently, smiling, and not wanting to forget a single second of our time together.

  “I got you something,” he tells me as we walk to his bedroom.

  “What? You did?” I sit on the bed and wait for him to dig something out of his dresser.

  “It’s not much, but I wanted you to have it.”

  When he turns around, I see a picture frame with a big green G on the top, and the bottom has the words “The family that cheers together stays together” with a photo the three of us took one day. Maize’s in her Packer onesies, and I’m in my Rodgers jersey, and we’re both smiling wide at the camera. I made John take the selfie with us even though he was pouting about our shirts. However, in this shot, he’s the only one not looking at the camera. Instead, he’s looking at me.

  “I can’t believe you did this.” I grab it from him, half-laughing, half-sobbing. My hand covers my mouth as I try to keep it together. “I love this picture so much.”

  “You’ll always be our family, even if you brainwashed my daughter into wearing green and gold.” He smirks.

  “I love it.” I pull him down so I can kiss his lips. “Thank you.”

  “It’s not much, but I wanted you to have a piece of us with you.”

  “No.” I blink, wiping my eyes for the hundredth time tonight. “It’s everything.”

  John and I spend the rest of the night saying goodbye without speaking. He makes love to me over and over, and it still doesn’t feel like enough. I want to crawl inside his soul and stay there forever. I’m barely able to sleep, my mind wandering way too much, and the second my alarm goes off, I know our time is almost over.