Chasing Him

by Kennedy Fox

  “As weird as it sounds, I started thinking that I needed to find some kind of closure to accept that she was really gone. I’d seen plenty of trauma working in the ER, yet hers was the one that crippled me. So finally, I went to her grave and decided it was time to let go. I’d never forgotten her, but I needed to let go of the guilt as hard as it was.”

  I swallow, hating to admit how much Jackson’s betrayal hurts. He knew how much I was hurting, and he never said a damn thing. Even more so after Maize arrived. I don’t know how I can just forget that.

  “I’ve been thinking of taking Maize to Bailey’s gravesite. Do you think that’s weird since she’s only a baby?” I ask.

  “No, man. I think it’s the closure you need. You never got to say goodbye, and just because she’s not here with you now doesn’t mean you can’t tell her goodbye now.”

  “I want Maize to feel comfortable coming to me to talk about her mom and visiting her when she’s older, but right now all I can feel is anger. You’d think punching Jackson in the face would make me feel better, but I only feel worse,” I admit.

  “Life is short, bro. I know you’re pissed at Jackson, and you have every right to be. Jackson’s an asshole most of the time, but I believe he really did have your best interest in mind. He wouldn’t purposely sabotage you. He’s just a fuckin’ idiot and doesn’t always think about the consequences of his actions.”

  I look at Evan, and he lets out a calm breath then looks up at the stars. “Bottom line is, if Bailey and Alicia’s stories have taught us anything, it’s that we can’t control everything.”

  “I don’t know how to live with this guilt when I see so much of Bailey in Maize, especially now that she’s getting older. She has her dark brown hair and those tiny freckles on her nose and cheeks. I want to give Maize the world, yet I feel like I’m half-assing my way through life as it is.”

  “I can assure you every parent feels that way regardless of circumstances. Elizabeth is only five months old, and I already feel that way every damn day.”

  “She has two rockstar parents, though,” I tell him with a half-smile. “I’m glad our girls are going to grow up together on the ranch.”

  “Yeah, but imagine the mischief they’re going to get into together.” Evan laughs.

  “And the drama, I’m sure. We’ll have to walk around with loaded guns.”

  “Don’t even remind me.” Evan sits up and leans his arms on his knees, and I do the same. “It’s a good life, John. Don’t forget that, okay? We grew up here, and I wouldn’t change that for the world, and knowing our girls will get to experience that, too, is the only thing that reassures me I’m not a complete fuckup of a dad.”

  “You’re right,” I admit. “And as long as we don’t put Riley in charge of them, we’ll be golden,” I say, both of us laughing. He’s a good kid, but he gets into as much trouble as Alex did, which can only mean he’s going to be much worse as he gets older.

  We stay silent for a few moments, and I start to feel lighter now that I’ve been able to talk about it aloud with someone I trust. Jackson’s still on my shit list, but hopefully, now I can walk back and look at him without the urge to bash his face in.

  “You miss Mila,” he states. “That’s probably adding to your emotional state on top of everything.”

  “Yeah, I feel completely distraught without her. I hate it, but we made a deal. I couldn’t hold her back.”

  “I understand why you did what you did. But remember, you only get one life—one life to make it right.”

  Chapter Thirty-One

  MILA

  “Good morning,” I greet my class of first graders as they walk in from the morning bell.

  “Ms. Carmichael?” Stevie pulls on my arm.

  “Yes?” I ask, kneeling to his level. “What’s the matter?”

  “My mommy had a baby on Monday,” he tells me without smiling. “She cries a lot.”

  I hold back a laugh because he’s frowning and it’s too dang cute.

  “Well, that’s awesome! Now you have a baby sister.” I smile wide, hoping he will too.

  “Yeah, but I really wanted a baby brother.” He folds his arms over his small chest.

  “Ya know, I have four little sisters, and they were pretty fun to have around when I was younger. I bet you’ll have fun with her too.” I flash him a wink, and he shrugs as if he might consider it. “What’s her name?”

  “Maize,” he responds.

  “What?” I blink, thinking I heard him wrong.

  “Macie,” he repeats. “But I call her crybaby because that’s what she is.”

  “Oh, well okay then. Why don’t you go hang up your backpack and get seated, okay?” I stand, leading him to his locker with the other kids.

  The image of Maize is front and center in my mind, and I can’t help but feel sad that I’m not with her every day anymore. I miss her and John so damn much, and though I’ve been back in Georgia for two months now, it hasn’t gotten any easier. I missed her crawling for the first time, she’s babbling like crazy, and I’m worried she’s starting to forget who I am. When John and I managed to FaceTime last week, Maize acted all shy like she didn’t recognize me. It took at least ten minutes for her to warm up to me, which breaks my heart, considering I’ve known her since she was three months old.

  “Who’s going to be our next Student of the Week?” I ask, getting all their attention. Since it’s Friday, I pick a new student for the next week, so their parents can prepare over the weekend for what they need to bring in.

  A resounding wave of, “Me’s,” echo throughout my classroom as each student raises their arm in the air. Smiling, I stick my hand in the jar that has their names folded on a piece of paper, and once I mix it up for a few seconds, I pull out one.

  “Jonathan Baxter,” I call out, forcing a smile on my face as sadness washes over me. Everything reminds me of John and having two Jonathans in my class of only twelve kids doesn’t help.

  Students cheer for him, and I get them settled down to start our first project for the day. Lunch rolls around, and I’m finally able to refill my coffee cup.

  “Looks like you’re settling in well,” Mr. Demry says as he stands next to me in the teacher’s lounge. He only stops in every few weeks when he has meetings with the principal.

  “Yeah, everyone’s been very nice,” I tell him. “Adjusting and all that.” I give him a fake smile as I stir creamer into my coffee.

  “Great to hear that, Mila!” He pats me on the shoulder. “We’re really lucky to have you here.”

  “Thanks,” I say, wincing at how guilty I feel for not appreciating this job as much as I should.

  “Any exciting plans this weekend?” he asks, making himself a cup of coffee.

  “Well…” I pause for a moment. “If you consider watching origami tutorials on YouTube and eating a gallon of Rocky Road exciting, then it’s gonna be one hell of a party.”

  He laughs and then another teacher steps up, grabbing his attention. I take the opportunity to slip away and return to my classroom to look over my afternoon schedule.

  Before I even make it to my desk, Mr. Rasmussen comes in. “Hey!”

  “Hi,” I say politely, quickly sitting in my chair. “What’s going on?”

  “Just wanted to see how you were doing. See if you’d be interested in maybe getting dinner tonight again?”

  Sucking my lips into my mouth, I feel the awkward tension brewing. Todd’s a few years older than I am and has made it very clear he’s interested. He asked me out last month, and though I politely declined, he said it was just to hang out and talk since he was new to the area and didn’t know many people. I felt bad since he had no friends or family and made the mistake of being too friendly. Now he’s completely got the wrong idea, though I avoid him at every opportunity, he still tries to find me.

  “Actually, I have plans with my sister and mom tonight,” I lie but plaster a big smile on my face anyway. “Girls’ night out,” I add, thinking
that doesn’t sound like a bad idea after all. I could use a drink or five and have some girl talk.

  “Oh yeah? Where are you guys going?” He stands in front of my desk with his arms crossed, holding his gaze on me.

  “We actually haven’t decided yet.”

  “Oh okay, well…have fun,” he says, slowly walking backward toward the door. He’s waiting for me to suggest Saturday night, which isn’t going to happen anytime this century.

  “Thanks. Have a nice weekend.”

  By the grace of God, the lunch bell rings, and I know my students will be heading back in any second.

  “You, too, Mila.”

  I finally exhale when he leaves. Todd is nice, decent looking, and a real gentleman from what I’ve seen so far, but I have no interest in him. Actually, I have no interest in anyone because all I can think about is John. I’ve been fooling myself into believing we can make this work long-distance even if we agreed to put our relationship on pause for the time being. It feels like we’re growing apart the longer I’m away, which I hate.

  Grabbing my phone, I welcome my class back inside and remind them to get their reading books. Once they’re settled into quiet reading time for the next fifteen minutes, I group text my mom and Sarah about meeting up tonight.

  Mila: Any chance you can get a sitter tonight, Sarah? Let’s kidnap Mom and take her out for a girls’ night!

  * * *

  Sarah: Graham goes to his father’s this weekend for the first time in months, so I could actually use a drink!

  * * *

  Mom: I’d go willingly!

  I laugh, hearing Mom’s voice in my head.

  Mila: Dancing and margaritas, it is!

  As soon as my day ends and I say goodbye to my kids, I dodge the teacher’s lounge and cut through the cafeteria to the parking lot. Driving home, I decide I’m going to use tonight to really think this through. I’ve been holding in my feelings since arriving because this is what I’ve worked for my whole life and it feels like I should be more grateful. However, I’d be lying to myself if I wasn’t second-guessing my decision to leave Texas.

  Mila: Hey babe! Sarah and I are taking my mom out for drinks tonight, so I won’t be able to FaceTime, but I’d love it if we could tomorrow.

  * * *

  John: Sure, probably not until the afternoon though. We’re swamped at the B&B, and I have a cook who’s out sick, so I have to fill in for him tomorrow.

  I can’t help feeling disappointed that we won’t be able to talk until later but don’t tell him that. I know he’s working long hours and between Maize still waking up and him getting up before the sunrise, he’s dead tired by dinner.

  Mila: Okay, well don’t worry about it if you’re tired. We can FaceTime on Sunday.

  He responds that he’ll let me know, and I feel him slipping through my fingers even more.

  A week or two after I returned to Georgia, I finally met up with Cade for a long overdue reunion. We used to hang out so much before everything changed and now we’re like strangers, but I knew it was inevitable after being gone and his life changing dramatically. After being in Texas, I can confidently say my feelings for Cade weren’t anything more than a fascination and nowhere near the way I feel for John. Perhaps it took being away to see that, or it was John who helped me realize it but either way, I’m grateful.

  As soon as Sarah, Mom, and I get to Kozmos’ Bar, I order the biggest margarita I can.

  “Rough week?” Sarah asks with a popped eyebrow.

  I take the straw between my lips and suck in a large gulp. “Kinda.” I shrug, being dramatic because I truly do love teaching. “Todd keeps trying to ask me out, and one of my students is pissed his mother had a baby girl instead of a boy. Oh and LeAnn, my know-it-all-student, refuses to miss a day of school so when she showed up Tuesday with the flu, she threw up her entire lunch after recess.” I groan. “And then I threw up after smelling it.”

  Sarah starts laughing, and Mom joins in. They both ordered drinks, too, but I’m halfway done with mine before they even start theirs.

  “So, wanna tell us why you’re inhaling alcohol like it’s Mardi Gras?” Sarah tilts her head and asks with a knowing grin.

  “I bet I have an idea,” Mom chimes in. “I can read it all over your face.”

  “No, you can’t,” I argue, taking another long sip.

  “Sweetie,” Mom says. “Are you as miserable as you look?”

  “No,” I lie, and they both raise their brows at me. “I love my job.”

  “And what about the other one hundred and twenty-eight hours of the week?” Mom asks.

  I furrow my brows, then laugh. “How the hell do you just know that off the top of your head?”

  “I’ve been pregnant six times. Four of those times, I was on bedrest because y’all decided kicking my spine was a fun way to pass the time. I had countless hours to read fun facts.”

  I chuckle at Mom’s dramatics. She suffered with bad back pain, and from what Dad has told us, they put her on bedrest so she’d stop working and actually relax.

  “Seriously, Mila,” Sarah says. “You look like someone just kicked your puppy.”

  “Fine.” I groan, grabbing my straw and sucking down the last of my drink. “I miss John and Maize and am wondering if I made the right choice to leave.”

  “You owe me fifty bucks, Mom,” Sarah gloats, holding her hand out toward our mother.

  “You were betting on the downward spiral of my life?” I pout.

  “Betting you’d finally admit you hate being back home,” Sarah clarifies.

  “I don’t hate being home,” I argue. “I just wish John and Maize were with me. Or I was with them.”

  “No one ever said you weren’t allowed to change your mind,” Mom interjects. “Just because you decided you wanted to be a teacher when you were six doesn’t mean you still have to want that as an adult. Circumstances change, and that’s okay.”

  “It’s not that I don’t want to be a teacher. I love the job, but it feels like I gave up someone I love for something I love. I want both, and I’ve come to the realization that all these years I’ve built up the idea of working at the same school we all went to was the only place that could make me happy when, in reality, it’s nothing like I imagined. Sure, it’s familiar and brings me a sense of comfort, but who’s to say I couldn’t have that somewhere else?”

  “It sounds like you’ve already thought a lot about it, Mila.” My mother covers my hand with hers as Sarah gives me a knowing smile.

  “I have over these past two months, more so in the past few weeks, and I’ve just felt so torn about all of it. John’s worried I’ll resent him down the road for not pursuing my dream and made me promise to give it a fair shot, but if I want a fair shot at us working long-term, I can’t keep that promise.”

  “If you feel that strongly about it, then you need to go for it,” Mom tells me. “You can have a career and a family without sacrificing either of them. I stayed home for a while for you girls and Andrew, but I also wanted to work and feel accomplished in other areas of my life. I was so torn because I felt like I was supposed to be the perfect stay-at-home mom, raise my babies, and have dinner on the table every night at five. It’s what I always wanted—or thought I did—and though many of my friends loved that lifestyle, it wasn’t for me. So I went out and got my realtor’s license, worked my way up the company, and made it my full-time career the past fifteen years. And you know what?” She squeezes my hand with a big smile. “I’ve never looked back, and I have no regrets. Things change, and change can be good, baby. So don’t be afraid to chase a new dream.”

  Mom’s right on so many levels that I can’t believe how simple it all sounds hearing it aloud. I can prove to John that it’s possible to teach and be with him without sacrificing one for the other. I just need to make a plan as to how I’m to do this because chasing him is a part of my new dream.

  Once the night ends, I go home and sleep off the alcohol. By the next morning,
I’m feeling giddy and excited and can’t wait to implement my new plan.

  Grabbing my phone off my desk, I search for the right number and hit call.

  “Hello?”

  “Hi, Mrs. Bishop? It’s Mila.”

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  JOHN

  The morning air is cool and crisp, and I can feel that fall is officially here. I love sitting on the back porch of the B&B, drinking coffee, and watching the sunrise before the guests wake up. There are only a couple of weeks until November, and I can’t wait for Maize’s first Halloween. River and Emily helped me pick out her costume, so she’s going trick or treating as some green fairy, which is actually super adorable on her with the wings on her back. She’s close to walking on her own, and I’m pretty sure she’ll be walking all by herself by her first birthday in a month.

  After I drop off Maize with the sitter at my parents’ house, I head home to get dressed, dreading tonight. I hate how Mama demands I participate in the bachelor auction fundraiser each year and has since the day I turned eighteen. Aside from not really having a choice in the matter, the main reason I continue to do it is because it helps raise money for the local food bank.

  Considering we all have kids except for Jackson, Mama found a friend to watch them tonight, so there’d be no excuses as to why we couldn’t attend. It was the last resort excuse, not having a sitter, but she beat us all to it. Marriage doesn’t get us out of being auctioned off either, something River learned last time.

  To make matters worse, Mama had the grand idea to make it a costume theme party and considering I had zero ideas, Jackson suggested he’d be Superman, and I could be the boring alter ego, Clark Kent. He had to mention that it’d be like ‘real life’—him being super and me being boring. Since it was an easy outfit to put together, and only because it was easy, I agreed. But what Jackson doesn’t know is, I have a little surprise up my sleeve.