Get a grip, Lotus. You were wrong about him. He’s handsome, charming, and sweet when he’s not angry. You thought tonight was something special, but you were wrong. It’s okay to be wrong. It’s not the end of the world.
But it felt like the end of the world, because even if it hadn’t been special for him, it had been special for me. And feelings, hopeful ones especially, were difficult to shove back into a drawer overstuffed with the many bitter disappointments of my reality.
Giving myself an internal shake, I whipped Journey’s muscle tee off over my head. I avoided glancing at myself in the mirror, which wasn’t difficult to do with my vision wavering behind a watery curtain.
I got my tube top on first. After that, I reached for my overalls and turned them over. My stomach clenched when nothing dropped out.
Where are my panties? Shit.
They had to be in the other room. No freaking way was I going to step out of the bathroom to search for them. I didn’t want to interact with Journey any more than was necessary.
Liar.
Okay, I wanted to interact with him. How could I not still long for him when the ghost of his last kiss lingered on my lips?
I touched my mouth. My lips tingled. My skin buzzed. My heart hammered excitedly, knowing Journey was only on the other side of the door.
Stop it. I curled my hands into my palms, breathing deeply to clear my thoughts. You might want him, but he doesn’t want you.
On that sobering thought, I firmed my resolve and put on my overalls—without my panties—and latched my suspenders. A sudden knock rattled the door and me.
“Yes?” I squeaked.
“Your hotel is on Century Boulevard, right?” Journey asked, his voice gruff.
No longer my leading man, he was now a big bad wolf, huffing and puffing on the other side of the door, and I was a trembling piglet, her house made of straw.
“Yes, I think that’s correct,” I said, my voice quivering. “It’s the Holiday Inn by the airport.” Ash was footing the bill for a one-night stay for the crew and all the non-local bands. “I’ll call a Lyft and wait for it outside.” Confused, I asked, “How did you know where I was staying?”
“I just figured you were staying where Ash is. I’m taking you. I took you away from the venue, so I’ll see that you’re safely returned to your friends. It’s not open for debate.”
I lifted my chin. “Oh. Okay, I guess.”
I would have preferred a ride with a stranger, a stranger whose voice didn’t make my lungs squeeze so tightly that my chest burned. But I could do this, spend more time with the consequences of my decision. I needed that extra time to learn my lesson.
“You’ve been in there a long time. Aren’t you ready yet?” he asked impatiently.
“Yes, of course.”
I snagged my bag, leaving the shirt of his that I’d worn only briefly on the floor. Picking it up and folding it neatly would imply care. Plus, I didn’t want to touch it again, knowing even now I was tempted to bring it to my nose to inhale his incredible scent one last time.
Feeling weaker than I wanted to be, I popped open the door. Journey stood just outside it. At the sight of him, I was sure my emotions were visible all over my face. Exiting his bathroom the second time wasn’t at all like the first. There was no warmth in his expression, only ice.
“C’mon,” he said, jerking his chin up.
Turning, he stomped across the room. He had on his boots and jeans. Only now, he wore a blue muscle tee that of course looked amazing on him. Giving me a narrow-eyed look, he jingled his keys in his hand.
I glanced at the bed as I scurried to join him. Warmth burned my cheeks at the memory of what we’d done and how good it had been. But though I looked, I didn’t see my pink panties anywhere.
He yanked open the door, his biceps flexing, the ink swirls on his skin spinning like my emotions, as he propped open the door with his arm. I told myself not to read anything into his holding the door open for me and shuffled through the narrow space he provided. His warmth and his scent washed over me, making me tremble with renewed desire. But a quick glance at his face revealed nothing except icy neutrality.
It’s over, Lotus. Done. Let it go.
The upside? I would never see him again. But that thought didn’t comfort me like it should. It only struck me with more longing, too strong a reaction considering I’d only just met him.
Distracted, I stumbled on the way to the Scout. Ahead of me, Journey didn’t notice. I was steadier by the time he unlocked the passenger door. I hurried toward it, but he didn’t open it for me like he had before. Swallowing the bitter sting of more rejection, I opened the door myself and climbed in.
He moved around the back of the vehicle. I kept my gaze ahead, buckling my seat belt with trembling hands. I just needed to change my expectations.
I’d had amazing sex. I wasn’t thinking of Saber anymore. I was moving on.
It doesn’t matter what Journey thinks about me.
But it did.
Journey started the engine and backed out of the driveway without putting his arm across the back of my seat like before. I told myself not feeling the warmth of his touch wasn’t a loss.
But that was only another lie.
As he drove, I stared out my side of the vehicle, clutching my bag to my chest and reeling emotionally. Sadly, too little of my reeling was regret. His heat was palpable. The fresh aquatic scent of him penetrated my resolve, a too-thin house of straw where I’d ducked inside.
I turned away from him, staring at the scenery instead. We drove past the same businesses on the main thoroughfare of Manhattan Beach again. The darkness was lighter than it had been before. With green lights along the way, those businesses were soon behind us.
Could I as quickly put this encounter with Journey behind me?
I knew the answer to that question before I posed it.
Everything about this night was etched in my memory. Like an ink stain on a treasured blouse, the end was the only part I wanted to forget. And I knew no amount of mental scrubbing could wash any of it out.
I let out a resigned sigh as Journey steered the vehicle onto the freeway entrance ramp. At the higher speed, the wind whipped tears into my eyes that I couldn’t hold back and would no longer have to explain. The popular multilane interstate was nearly empty. But I concentrated on the concrete barrier and the shadowy buildings visible in the distance, as if I were going to be graded on my recollection of the details later.
“I recommend not telling your . . . boyfriend about this.”
I startled. Journey had been silent so long, I’d forgotten how appealing his voice was. Even now, it resonated at the perfect frequency to melt me.
I swallowed hard, gripping my bag tighter. “I don’t care what you recommend.”
He flinched. “Maybe not.” His dark brown brows inched together. “But you should.”
“Don’t bother speaking to me. It’s a waste of your breath.”
I stiffened as he made the final turn into the hotel parking lot. I’d dreaded the drive, but it ended too quickly.
“I told you up front what this was.” His whiskered jaw visibly tight, he steered into an empty space at the hotel entrance and yanked up the parking brake.
“Don’t,” I said tersely. “Just don’t say anything more, okay? If you’re trying to make me feel better, it’s not working. I didn’t do anything wrong. But you don’t believe me, so it doesn’t matter.”
Staring straight ahead, he gave me a curt nod. He was clenching the wheel so tightly, his knuckles blanched. The inked black letters that spelled love on his right hand stood out in sharp contrast to his bronzed skin, and their sentiment seemed to mock me.
Turning away from him, I reached for the handle on the passenger door but stopped. I couldn’t leave things like this. I just couldn’t. As I hugged my purse to my chest and stared out the windshield like he did, the words tumbled out.
“You should know that I was unhappy to
night. It was my birthday, and I was remembering the past. The losses I told you about hit me hard each year at this time, but you made me forget all that for a while. You and I together before the trouble was incredible. I know it was only a moment to you that didn’t mean anything, and it’s over now anyway. But I just wanted to thank you for the good part, but also to not thank you for the rest of it, if you know what I mean. But just in case you don’t know . . .”
Swallowing hard, I forced myself to finish. “So if you’re ever tempted to visit OB again, don’t stop by to reminisce, okay?”
I popped open my door and got out. Although I tried to walk sedately across the dew-dampened pavement with my dignity intact, I ended up breaking into a run. Not because Journey chased after me, but because my hurt and regret did.
Lotus
INSIDE THE ULTRAMODERN lobby, I hurried across the gleaming marble floors toward the elevators, but I didn’t reach them.
“Going somewhere?”
Saber stepped out from behind one of the marble columns, blocking me. He was handsome, maybe even as good-looking as Journey, but my reaction to him was only irritation.
“I’m going to my room,” I said evenly through clenched teeth. “I’m tired.”
“I’ll bet you are.” His tone was snide as his brown eyes narrowed. They were like Journey’s, but without any warmth at all. And without any green.
“That’s not nice.” Emotion blurred my gaze.
Grabbing my arm, Saber swung me into him. “You’ve been out all night with someone else.”
“Yes, I have.” Filled with hurt and regret, I was caught in a whirlpool, swirling in currents I couldn’t escape. “But what you don’t seem to get is that I’m not your girlfriend anymore.”
Saber’s grip tightened on my arm. “Words don’t change feelings.”
He was right. Completely right. The truth was double-edged when I thought about my feelings about Journey.
“I’m accustomed to living in the moment. To working hard for each unencumbered moment I get. I live hard, Lotus. I play little.”
Journey’s truth was one I should have heeded.
“Do you or do you not still love me?” Saber asked abruptly.
“I love you,” I said honestly, and a part of me always would.
Saber was my first sexual partner. My first boyfriend. The first man I loved as a grown-up, after Storm. But I wasn’t in love with Saber, not anymore. I couldn’t be and have slept with Journey.
“But you’re not good for me, Saber.” I lifted my chin. The blurriness in my eyes coalesced into a tear. It hovered for a moment before spilling onto my cheek.
“I’m sorry. I messed up.” Saber released my arm and swept the tear away with his thumb in a gesture so like Journey’s that more tears sprang into my eyes. “What can I do to make everything better?”
“I appreciate and accept your apology. Unfortunately, an apology doesn’t remove the damage that’s already been done.” Words spilled free like my tears did. Something about this night had changed me. I didn’t want to keep my emotions inside anymore.
“Give me a chance to make amends.” His expression was imploring, a plea like his words. “Just one more chance.”
Resolute, I shook my head. “You let me down too many times.”
Saber’s hand fell from my cheek and his expression hardened. “How did I let you down?”
How could he not know?
I let out an exasperated breath. “Every single time something comes up with the band, you set me aside.”
“The band is my livelihood.” His brows drew together, forming an arrow to his straight nose. “And it’s our future.”
“It’s your job. I have a job of my own. Several, in fact.” My fingers opened and closed with my frustration. “Ones that you’re less than supportive about. You gave me a ton of grief about coming up to LA to do this one for Ash.”
“I wanted you to come with me to Joshua Tree.”
“That was band business. Your job versus mine.” Frustrated, I wanted to stomp my foot. “I needed the money for doing this job for Ash.”
Saber scoffed. “You barely make ends meet with all your jobs.”
“The same could be said at one time about you.”
“Not anymore.” He shook his head, no curls in his gaze, no long hair to swish his broad shoulders, just layers of tousled brown hair darker than Journey’s. “Not since signing with Outside.”
“Yes, you have your advance now. I’m happy for you. Truly. But that’s your commitment, a commitment that takes priority over me.”
“Yes, but having a commitment isn’t a bad thing.”
“Right, but you don’t get it, even though I’ve told you many times. I can’t keep accepting second place.” I pointed to myself. “I deserve better. I deserve someone who believes in me and my dreams as much as his.”
But do I really? After my one-night stand and the rejection that followed, doubt rocked me.
“Your little plant business, you mean?” Saber asked.
“It’s little now,” I said evenly, trying not to be defensive. “But maybe one day the need for succulents and native California plants will catch on.” The few customers who found me at the pier often commented on how much they liked my unique gift presentation and the cards with my poems.
Saber shook his head. “To catch on, you’re going to need to have a storefront. That’ll take a major amount of cash to get started, far more than the couple hundred each month that I can spare to give to Mrs. Nowak to help with your rent.”
He placed his hands on my shoulders, gripping them firmly. “I do have an eye on you and your dreams. Why do you think I’ve been busting my ass so hard this past year trying to get somewhere with the band?”
“What? Wait.” My eyes rounded. “Back up a minute. What did you just say about my rent?”
“Shit.” Saber squeezed his eyes shut for a second. Regret shimmered in them when he opened them again. “I didn’t mean for you to know about that.”
“You’ve been helping me with the rent,” I choked out. “All this time, I thought it was only Mrs. Nowak being kind because of my dad.”
Saber gave me a sheepish look. “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to feel beholden to me about it. I just wanted to make things a little easier for you. You struggle so hard to make ends meet.”
“Thank you.” My heart squeezed like he gripped it in his hands instead of just my shoulders.
“You’re welcome.” His expression softened. “Can you forgive me for the rest? For not making you the priority that I should have?”
This time, it was me who squeezed my eyes shut.
Saber was right here in front of me, but it was Journey I saw when I closed my eyes. However, Journey was only a fantasy. A brief indulgence. I was alone in wanting anything more.
I opened my eyes and nodded. “Okay,” I said, accepting the reality right in front of me, something I was more accustomed to doing. It had been a long time since I’d indulged in fantasies. “I can forgive you.”
But as I extended that forgiveness, my stomach churned. Saber was a known choice, but knowing him, I didn’t have a lot of faith in him making the changes I needed him to make for us to work.
“Great, babe.” He grinned. “You won’t regret it.”
“But we have to start over,” I said as uncertainty filled me, weaving itself within my mixed emotions. “We have to fix what went wrong. Combine our dreams. Go forward from now on together as a team with no more secrets, not even ones like the rent between us.”
Lotus
“DONE,” SABER SAID, and rather than take flight, my stomach nosedived.
He lifted me onto my toes. Spontaneous displays of affection not being his thing, he caught me by surprise when he slammed his mouth down onto mine. The kiss was over so fast, it barely qualified as a kiss. But it did. It qualified. Saber was reclaiming me with his stamp of ownership.
I was his again, but I felt like a slu
t. I’d had sex with one man tonight, only to kiss another after. My stomach jumped off the floor and clawed its way up my throat. Down, then up, I was on a roller coaster tonight that I didn’t want to ride.
“Let’s go to your room.” His brown eyes dark with passion, Saber stared possessively at me.
“No, we can’t. I can’t. Sophia’s in my room.” Furthermore, I’d just had sex with another man and misplaced my panties. If Saber stripped me down now, that would become readily and mortifyingly apparent. “We’re starting over. Starting over doesn’t begin with sex.” One-night stands did, and there was a lesson in that I wasn’t eager to repeat.
“All right.” His eyes narrowed, but the suspicion in them was easy to read. “No sex right now. But I’m not paying for a room when I need to be back in OB this afternoon for a meeting with Ash.”
“Why are you meeting with Ash?” I asked. “I thought you said you turned in the single he wanted.”
“He likes it, but he wants to make changes. Personnel changes too. He’s hinted that those are mandatory.”
“That sounds serious.”
“It is serious.” Saber’s eyes narrowed. “Something that involves you and me, even though it’s my commitment, my group. You get that now, right?”
“I get it,” I said. He was trying to include me in the decision-making process for the band. I tried to soothe my trepidation by focusing on that.
“I want you to come with me to the meeting.” He gave me a firm look. “It’s at three.”
“I can do that.” I could fit it in before my shift at the Deck Bar.
“Text Sophia. Tell her you’re leaving now with me,” Saber said. “She’s probably sound asleep by now. She looked practically dead on her feet when I ran into her.”
“I’ll call her.”
“Fine.” His lips flattened. “I’ll go get Shield. He’s in the bar.”
My brows shot up. “The bar’s open at this hour?”
“No. He ran into a woman who caught his eye, and he’s talking to her there.”
A lot of women caught Shield’s roving eye. A lot used to catch Saber’s too. I’d been one of the many before we’d become exclusive.
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