“Be right back.” Saber leaned in, and I turned my head so his kiss landed on my cheek.
I noted his frown as he walked away, but I couldn’t waste time worrying about it. I opened my bag and pulled out my phone. When I called Sophia’s number, it only rang once.
“Was he worth it?” she asked in lieu of a greeting. My bestie might have been dead on her feet with Saber, but when it came to me, she sounded wide awake.
Stalling, I gnawed on my lip. “Was who worth what?”
“Journey. You know who I mean. Did Saber call you while you were with him?”
“Yes, he did.” I cringed at the memory.
“Are you still with Journey now?”
“No, I’m at the hotel,” I said. “In the lobby.”
“Oh. Well, then you’re in the middle of a Saber shitstorm. He ambushed you, didn’t he?”
“Definitely.” I nodded, even though she couldn’t see me. An ambush was exactly what it had felt like.
“Did you sleep with him?” she asked.
“Journey?” I needed clarification, and a little time to slow the roller coaster down.
“Yes, but fuck me, are you telling me you were offered another option? Did Saber try to get in your panties tonight too?”
“I’m not wearing any panties. I lost them back at Journey’s place.”
“Whoa.” She laughed softly. “And wow, bestie. You’ve had quite an eventful night.”
“Eventful, yes. But what about you? Are you saying you and Reese didn’t have a memorable night?”
“We did,” she said. “He was decent in bed, and he’s cute as hell. I like him. But I don’t think I’d go there again. He has a girlfriend, and though the sex was decent, it wasn’t transcendent, and transcendent is my goal.”
“Yeah, I know what you mean.” About the transcendent, for sure. “Journey didn’t mention a girlfriend, but he wasn’t interested in more than a hookup.”
“And you wanted more?” she asked quietly.
“Oh yeah,” I said.
“Oh, Lotus.”
“Yeah, I’m an idiot. That’s something I’m very certain about.”
“You’re not, honey.”
“Jury’s still deliberating. But for some reason, not Saber. Even if I am an idiot, he wants me back.”
“Of course he does.” She sounded unsurprised. “He always wants you back. You didn’t take him back this time, did you?”
“Not a take-back, exactly. We’re starting over.”
“But you and Journey?”
“Journey is journeying on.” The thought of what that might involve, who that might involve, and how soon—maybe even right now—made my stomach hurt. “It was one way for me,” I said dully. “And another for him.”
“Bastard.”
“He’s not.” I rushed to his defense, which was telling. “He was clear up front about what we were doing. I just didn’t heed the warning.”
“You’re not a one-night stand type of girl,” Sophia said decisively.
“No, and neither are you. But I don’t think we should beat ourselves up about it. There are girls in the Rock Fuck Club phase of their lives who are searching for their identity and figuring things out. Then there are ones like you and me, who have most of that sorted out and are just looking for the right partner. That’s something, right?”
“Yeah, bestie. It’s not an easy process to find the right one.”
I sighed. “No, it sure the hell is not.”
“So, do you really think Saber is the right one for you?”
“Honestly, I don’t know. But I guess this time I’ll probably figure it out.”
Lotus
“READY?” SABER APPROACHED me with his arm hooked around Shield’s neck, their laughter deep and masculine. Bad-boy rocker bookends in their matching black T-shirts and indigo jeans, they drew attention.
“Yeah, I’m ready.” I nodded, noting that a shuttle bus from the airport had arrived.
Even as early as it was, a lot of people were in the lobby waiting to check in. Most were women. Nearly all of them turned their heads to check out Saber and Shield.
I understood the appeal. Both brothers were tall, handsome brunettes with dark, thick wavy hair. They also had tons of gravitas, moved with confidence, and were built like professional surfers, though they were only enthusiasts of the sport like me.
“Don’t you need to go up to your room to get your luggage?” Puzzled, Saber scratched the middle of his chiseled chest.
“Got everything I need in here.” I gestured to my slouch bag.
“Right. I forget you always like to be prepared.”
“Hmm,” I said noncommittally to his statement. When you’d had the life upheavals I’d had and only had yourself to rely on, it was best to be prepared for anything.
Why does it seem like he thinks that preparedness is a shortcoming?
Shield gave me a brief but disapproving scan. “You look like shit, Lot.”
“You look like a douche. Oh, wait,” I said, being prickly with Shield like I usually was. “You look like that because you are one.”
“Bitch,” he said in his smooth but rumbly voice.
“Bastard.” I made a face at him.
“Whoa, children.” Saber chuckled. “This is a classy establishment, with younger kids than you two present. Better watch the language.”
“I ain’t cleaning shit up for no one.” Shield shrugged free from his brother’s hold. “C’mon. Let’s get the fuck home. I wanna get in some surfing before this stupid meeting.”
Saber frowned. “Not stupid, Shield.”
“Yeah, yeah. Whatever.” As he walked away, he thrust his arm in the air, his middle finger extended, and the assortment of braided bracelets on his wrist slid to his elbow.
Ignoring Shield, Saber threw his arm around my shoulders and drew me close. “Missed you while I was in Joshua Tree, babe.”
“Missed you too,” I said, experiencing another pang. A double one of guilt and regret.
“You’re usually more talkative.” Saber gave me a long look as he steered me out of the building. “You seem distracted.”
I almost reiterated that I was tired, but bit back the explanation. I didn’t need another antagonistic response. “I work long hours when I tend bar at Ash’s events.”
“I know you do.” Saber squeezed my shoulder. “Van’s parked over there.” He gestured to the visitor slot Journey had pulled in earlier.
I sighed. It’s over with Journey. I’ll never see him again.
It was a good thing Saber and Shield had been inside the hotel and not outside it when Journey dumped me as he dropped me off, or a tense situation would have been even worse. Journey had a temper that I’d seen twice. Saber had one too, but it usually took a lot to set it off.
I reached for the handle to the passenger-side door of the van, but Saber beat me to it. He opened it, and while I climbed in, he rounded the hood.
Shield’s hand fell on my shoulder from his seat behind me. “Don’t screw him over, Lotus. Seriously, it makes no sense to me, but he was a wreck over you breaking it off with him.”
Saber popped open his door, and Shield released me.
After buckling his seat belt, Saber turned to look at me. “Can you put Ash’s address in your map app for me? I need you to get us back home. Fastest route, avoiding slowdowns.”
The analogy to him and me getting back to where we’d been before this last breakup resonated with me.
“We might get navigated through the bad part of town,” I said.
“Don’t care.” Saber cranked the key in the ignition, and the Chevy van’s engine turned right over. It was old but reliable, and with the last two rows of seats ripped out, it was big enough to tote four band members plus their instruments.
“Okay.” I plugged in the coordinates and the app spit out directions. Following the first prompt, Saber steered us north out of the parking lot.
“ETA?” he asked.
“One hour, fifty-four minutes,” I said after glancing at the screen.
“Thank fuck.”
“No slowdowns coming up on the route. Luckily.”
“No more detours.” He gave me a long look. “Straight shot back to where we started.”
“Yeah.” I nodded and turned away, staring out my window.
Saber didn’t need my help getting on the nearby entry ramp to the freeway, and he didn’t end up needing it on the drive. My head lolled, and sleep made the longish return trip to Ocean Beach a short one.
• • •
“Wake up, babe.”
I cracked open my eyes to the sound of Saber’s voice. Bright sunlight greeted me, and Saber, of course.
“We’re here.”
“Sorry. I conked out on you.” I licked my dry lips, wondering if I’d been snoring.
“It’s okay.” He raked a hand through his hair. “You want me to go up with you to get Cork?” He folded his arms over the steering wheel and pointed toward Ash’s multistory building with his chin.
“Cork would probably love to see you,” I said carefully. Saber and I might be restarting our relationship, but I knew him well enough to predict that he would decline.
“I’d like to see him, but I’ve got some unfortunate family business to handle first.”
“With Shield or your parents?” I asked.
“Parents,” he said with a frown. “They’re fighting again. My mom texted while you were out. Shield’s taken off to go surfing.”
“So it’s up to you to smooth things over.”
“Yeah. Apologize to Cork for me.”
The regret in Saber’s expression and voice was sincere. He was a good guy, and my brother adored him. If I remained with Saber, Cork got a positive role model like a big brother. Two older brothers, really. For some strange reason, Cork liked Shield.
“Will do. Are you okay?” I put my hand on Saber’s forearm. “About your parents getting into it again?”
“I’m fine.” He glanced down at my hand, then up at me, his eyes and expression warm. Even though he looked like his dad and not at all like Storm, he reminded me of my childhood best friend when he was affectionate like this.
“Do you think Ivy’s just posturing again?” I asked.
He nodded. “She’s never going to leave him. She’s codependent, always has been, and he’s too stubborn to change. She wouldn’t know how to exist apart from him. It’s a continuous shit cycle.”
“I know.” Though Graham wasn’t as harsh with Saber or Shield as he’d been with Storm, he was extremely unpleasant. That extended to his wife, and he seemed to find fault in nearly everything she did. “I’m sorry.”
“Thanks, babe.” Saber laid his hand over mine and squeezed before pulling it away. “Better get a move on.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” I said, trying not to read anything into him withdrawing from me.
Saber didn’t usually go into detail about his home life or his parents’ relationship, and I didn’t go into my feelings about mine. He sometimes reminded me of Storm, strong and steady, which was admirable and good.
But Saber was mostly strong and steady apart from me. I’d dismissed that before, but maybe I shouldn’t have. This was a restart. We were going to have to do things differently.
“See you later at Outside,” he said, breaking into my thoughts.
“Sure, of course. I’ll be there.” I unfastened my seat belt and reached for the handle to open the door, but paused.
“Always leave someone you care about the best way you can.”
It was my father’s advice. Sometimes I heard his voice like he was right beside me.
“I’m sorry, Saber.” I shifted so I could look at him. “For my part in messing us up. I thought I was doing the right thing breaking up, so we both could move on. But since we’re starting over, I want you to know that I’ll do my best to make us work in a way that’s good. Not just for me, but for both of us.”
“Thank you, babe. Appreciate it.” His eyes were soft and shimmering, like wet sand reflecting the midday sun.
“Good. Okay.” I let out the breath I’d been holding. I’d expected him to make a commitment to change too, but maybe it was too soon.
Without further delay, I got out of the van. But as I moved across the public parking lot, I didn’t appreciate the sea breeze, the roar of the ocean, or the view of the pier with the surfers bobbing on the waves next to it like I usually did. Because though I knew Saber and I were okay together, I also knew we needed to be better.
But could we ever get better with only one of us working toward that goal?
Lotus
I TOOK THE private elevator up to Ash’s penthouse apartment without having to show the security guard my ID.
Fred knew me. I came up once a week to take care of the plants on Ash’s rooftop deck, and I’d been invited to an album launch party or two. But right now, what made me walk fast was the anticipation of seeing my brother. I’d missed him.
Only one door was off the shallow hallway on Ash’s floor. Exiting the elevator, I went straight to it and knocked only once before Fanny opened the door.
“Hey, Lotus. I saw you on the video camera feed.” With a hand on her belly that hadn’t yet noticeably swelled, Ash’s wife stepped back and gestured. “Cork’s in the guest room.”
I heard him. He was whaling away on that old Fender of Ash’s.
Since his surfing accident, my brother had lost small pockets of cognitive power, but he’d regained all his proficiency on the drums and bass guitar, his favorites. He loved going on Ash’s rooftop and pounding on the drum kit up there, but lately I think he preferred plugging the surf-green 1962 sunburst Stratocaster into the Vox amp.
“What song is he playing?” I asked the pretty redhead. It had a snaky groove that was appealing, but I didn’t recognize it.
“He said it’s a new piece. One of Saber’s tunes for OB Hardy.”
“Ah.” It must be the new single. Cork admired Saber, but he was also officially OB Hardy’s biggest fan. He ran the merch booth at their shows. My brother hadn’t missed a single show of theirs yet.
“I’ll take him off your hands.”
“I like having him here.” Smiling, she said, “Stay, let me get you some lemonade. Fresh picked from the Meyer tree today. We can sit down and catch up.”
Fanny was pretty with striking red hair and sparkling emerald eyes. When she smiled like she was right now, she was breathtaking, her big heart a rival of her beauty. It was easy to see why Ash had fallen for her.
“You know Cork is a big help to me when he’s here. Ash thinks my being pregnant makes me fragile, and he worries less with someone around when he has to go out of town.”
I knew. Ash had told me.
I reached out and covered Fanny’s hands with mine before they could flutter like they did when she fretted. “Ash loves you, and he’s so excited about becoming a dad. He shows off the ultrasound photo to everyone.”
Her smile widened. “I’m excited too.”
“Another time on the lemonade,” I said, noticing the sudden silence except for rustling in the bedroom.
Latches clacked, the door popped open, and my brother appeared. Tall and boyishly handsome with thick blond hair much like our dad’s, he bounded out of the room, grinning as he headed for me. I braced, but at six feet tall, he rocked me.
“Lotus!” His arms banding around me, he hugged me tight. “Missed you!”
“I missed you more.” I smiled, my worry about Saber and Journey pushed to the back of my mind.
“Did you get to hear the Dirt Dogs perform last night?” he asked, his blue-green eyes shimmering.
His eyes were just like Dad’s. The older Cork got, the more he resembled our dad. It made me sad sometimes. It was one of those dual-edged things, both bitter and sweet.
“I caught their first song.”
“Which one?” he asked, holding his breath as he waited for my answer. He
loved the Dirt Dogs only slightly less than OB Hardy. Their music was certainly similar—simple, brilliant, upbeat rock.
“‘Outside,’” I said. “I was backstage for the rest of their set. I was there to work, remember?”
His grin turned into a frown. “I remember what you told me.”
“Good.” I nodded. “I’m just checking. Don’t get defensive. I love you.”
“I love you too.” He gave me his serious look that deepened the thin red scar between his brows.
The injury that had caused that scar had taken a long time to heal. In a lot of ways, years later, Cork was still in the process of healing.
He’d been thirteen and a half when he and his surfboard collided with the concrete pilings beneath the OB pier. The doctors told us a lot of important cognitive growth occurred for boys at that age, and that it could have been worse—meaning that I might have lost my brother. I was so grateful I hadn’t and never once bemoaned the extra attention he needed now.
Cork was my brother. My family. All I had left. But that didn’t mean I didn’t worry. I worried about him a lot.
Since the accident, he occasionally forgot things and sometimes had significant lapses in judgment, like not turning off the stove or crossing the street without looking. After one of those lapses occurred, I worried more and would wake up in the night in a panic. We were all each other had.
But what if something happened to me? Who would take care of him?
Fortunately, the lapses didn’t happen often. But he had them often enough that I didn’t feel comfortable leaving him alone outside our apartment.
Over the years, we’d adjusted to his limitations. Though my dad had been around at the time of the accident and the long rehab afterward, all of Cork’s care had fallen on me after Dad’s death.
At seventeen years old, my brother would never have what other boys his age do. He’d never surf again competitively. Never pursue a degree in music production. But Cork and I had a pact to focus on what we had rather than on what was lost.
We had each other. We had love. We had a place to live where the ocean we both loved was right outside our door.
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