SinSatiable

by Shelia E. Bell

“You know, I thought you had really changed Mother. But you’re still the same selfish, thoughtless human being you always were. As for Jackson, maybe the two of you belong together. He seems to have some of your senseless, heartless ways.” Aisha didn’t let up with her assault on Sandra. “It’s always me who’s at fault, let you tell it. Well, I’m tired of always getting the blame for everything. Jackson is the one who dropped out of sight. Jackson is the one who decided he didn’t want to have anything to do with me but didn’t bother telling me. If he’s such the perfect man, looks like Mr. Perfect would have the decency to tell me when he doesn’t want to be bothered. Now look, I’m tired, I’m fed up and I really don’t want to continue this conversation Mommie Dearest,” Aisha said sarcastically. “Good bye.”

  Sandra Carlisle’s jaw fell open as she listened to the tone of her daughter’s voice. The more Aisha talked, the angrier Sandra Carlisle became. “Whether she wants to accept responsibility for blowing this relationship or not, the truth is that child is a duplicate version of Ben– irrational, bull headed and impossible to please. Aisha,” Sandra walked through the empty house talking as if Aisha was standing next to her. You’re making a hard bed for yourself. If you want to spend your life alone, so be it. Stupid, stupid girl. Lord, she’s in your hands ‘cause she surely doesn’t want to listen to her dear mother.”

  ♦

  Jackson loomed over the pulpit of Faith Missionary Baptist Church and preached his heart out. “I tell you my people, now is the time. Oh yes, now is the time to lay aside every weight that’s holding you down. Now IS the time to turn your lives over to the one who can give you life. I say, Now IS the time for you to come to God. Don’t wait until things have gotten better. Don’t wait until you stop doing the stuff you know you shouldn’t be doing. Don’t wait until you don’t cuss anymore or you don’t go to this place or that place anymore. Don’t wait until you don’t sell this or smoke this anymore. Come now. Jesus wants you to come. Just the way you are. If you’ll only come, He’ll do the fixing up and cleaning up, I tell you. Paul says in Romans chapter one verse sixteen, I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes. Not just some of us but for everyone who believes.”

  After eating dinner with Pastor Black and his deacons, they drove Jackson to his hotel room. This was his last night in Chicago and the experience had served its purpose. Not only had he been blessed to minister to lost souls, but he himself felt like he had been released from a vice grip that had been wrapped around his heart. Night after night, he’d prayed to God to help him decide about his relationship with Aisha. His sermon the night before had been on forgiveness. In his heart, he knew God had given him that message for himself as well as the congregation. He was the one who had to exercise forgiveness. He lay on the hotel bed and relived the night he saw Aisha and Chandler. Why hadn’t he allowed her the chance to explain rather than ignore her? There could be a logical explanation for what he’d seen, though he didn’t see how it could be anything different from what he’d witnessed with his own eyes. They were kissing for God’s sake. How much more did he need to see? But no matter how it had hurt him, within his heart he knew that he had to bring some closure to their relationship. Closure meant that he would have to talk to her and then he could move on with the rest of his life. Picking up his cell, he dialed her at home. He was about to hang up when he heard her sweet voice.

  “Aisha? Hi, it’s Jackson.” He barely spoke loud enough for her to hear.

  “I know. So you finally decided to call.”

  “Okay, maybe I deserve that, but…”

  “But nothing, Jackson. Just tell me something. Why are you calling me?” Aisha’s obvious anger was apparent with every word she spoke.

  “Listen,” Jackson answered.

  “No, you listen. I have tried calling you God only knows how many times. I’ve been to your house. I’ve called the church office. I’ve called and called. And now, you happen to be ready to talk to me and you think I’m supposed to just listen to what you have to say just because you’re Minister Jackson Williams. Well, I don’t think so. Find yourself another toy ‘cuz I’m not the one.” She slammed the phone down so hard that the phone and the receiver fell to the floor. She folded her arms in anger and paced back and forth through her apartment. “The nerve of that man. He really has me messed up. Here I am, running, chasing, wondering, thinking about what I could have done wrong. Blaming myself for everything. But no more. Aisha’s smarter than Minister Jackson Davis Williams.”

  Jackson listened to the sound of the dial tone buzzing in his ear. It took several seconds for him to hang up. The initial shock left him dazed and speechless. Should he try to call her back? He thought for several more minutes about his next move. For now, I’ll let her have it her way. But when I get back to Memphis, one way or the other, we’re going to resolve this ,Miss Carlisle. He went into the bathroom, turned on the shower and stepped under the rain of hot steaming water. Maybe, just maybe the water would wash away the sense of loss he just felt, but was afraid to own up to.

  CHAPTER 44

  It had been three days since Jackson’s return to Memphis. He hadn’t seen Aisha at any of the Sunday church services or mid-week bible study. But, even if she was there, it wouldn’t be hard for her to blend in with the thousands of members who poured inside the sanctuary week after week. The tables had indeed turned because no matter how many times he called her, went by the studio or her apartment, she managed to make herself unavailable and out of sight. His mind was filled with thoughts of her and Chandler. Could she be with him? Why couldn’t she just tell me she was still hooked on that cop?

  Jackson wheeled his car into the lower level parking garage. Parking next to Aisha’s car he planned on waiting for her for however long it took. The clock in the car assured him that she should be finishing up her last dance class. To pass the time, he pulled out a bible commentary from his briefcase and began studying passages of Old Testament scriptures. After waiting for almost forty five minutes, he looked up and saw the familiar silhouette of her figure walking towards him. When she was within a few feet he opened his car door and got out.

  Aisha looked at him, and without saying a word proceeded to open the door to her car.

  “Aisha, please wait. We need to talk.” Walking over to where she stood, he blocked her from getting inside her car.

  “Move out of my way Jackson. I have nothing to say to you.”

  “You have nothing to say to me. Isn’t that some bull,” he said in a voice that resonated his dislike for her attitude.

  Her glare let him know that in no uncertain terms, she was angry.

  “You can act like you’re the victim all you want Aisha, but let’s face it. You’re the one who betrayed me.”

  “What are you talking about? Betrayed you! Let me refresh your memory. You’re the one who dropped out of sight without any explanation whatsoever. You’re the one who wouldn’t return MY phone calls or answer your door. It was you Jackson. Not me.” She huffed and tried to push him out of the way.

  “And you’re the one who’s been seeing Chandler behind my back,” he yelled back. The look on her face let him know that she was totally caught off guard. Her shoulders slumped and her eyes were like round gleaming balls.

  “Are you accusing me of cheating?”

  “Like they say, if the shoe fits…” The two of them exchanged silent words between each other. The tension was thick as sorghum syrup.

  “I don’t know where you came up with these accusations, but to set the record straight, I have not cheated on you with Chandler or anyone else for that matter.”

  “I guess kissing him in front of your apartment just happened to be your idea of Chandler stalking you, huh?” he mocked, his jaw tightening in anger.

  “Is that what this is about? You saw me and Chandler together?” Aisha cocked her head to the side and let out a sarcastic type laugh.

  “You know something. You men
are all alike. Insecure, fault finding and plain old jerks. Obviously you’re no different from Chandler. You had to have been watching me. How else would you have seen what you thought you saw?”

  “I was on my way to see you. I had something I wanted to get off my chest, Aisha. But what did I find instead? You and Chandler all lovey-dovey. From what you led me to believe, you were supposed to be so terrified of this guy. Then I drive up and see just the opposite. What am I supposed to think Aisha?”

  “You’re not supposed to think anything, Jackson. You’re supposed to trust me. You could have gotten out of your car and approached both of us, especially if you were uncertain about what was going on. But no, you’d much rather assume that I’m a cheater and a betrayer, I guess.”

  “Aisha, look I didn’t know what to think. I got crazy when I saw you and Chandler together.” He grabbed both of her shoulders and gingerly turned her to face him.

  “Why didn’t you just talk to me, Jackson? I thought we had something special. I trusted you with the sordid details of my past. I trusted you with my hurts and my deepest emotions. And you, you couldn’t trust me with what you were thinking and feeling?”

  “It wasn’t that.” Jackson’s face took on a somber expression. His heart beat wildly. Part of him was relieved to find out that Aisha hadn’t betrayed him. And the other part didn’t know if there was anything she wasn’t telling him.

  “What is it then? I guess you want to know everything. Well, let me tell you this and then I’m done. Chandler, for your information, contacted me and begged my forgiveness. And since you’re a man of the cloth, you should know better than anyone, that when a person asks for forgiveness, there is no question that we should accept their forgiveness. He admitted that what he had been doing to me was wrong and that he was truly sorry. He told me that he loved me.

  Jackson’s face became flushed. Had he lost her to Chandler? “What did you tell him?” Jackson paused and waited on her answer.

  “I told him that I didn’t love him. That my heart belonged to someone else. I told him that all he could ever expect from me was friendship. At first I found it hard to believe when he said he understood. I thought maybe he was trying to trick me so he could set me up and do something terrible to me. Turns out that I should have listened to my spirit.”

  “What do you mean? What happened?”

  Aisha drew in a deep breath. She told Jackson everything that happened that dreadful night. Tears formed in her eyes and droplets slid along her face.

  Jackson stepped closer to Aisha. Aisha stepped farther away from Jackson. Jackson’s anger mounted with each thought of Chandler’s cruelty. When Aisha told him the part about Chandler being arrested, he was relieved. He wanted him to rot in jail for the rest of his life. Although he was a minister, his flesh overruled his spirit when it came to Chandler Larson. He would have to pray and ask God for the strength to see Chandler the same way God saw Chandler. “Aisha, baby,” Jackson cried with her. “I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you.” He reached out to pull her to his chest but again Aisha stepped back in haste.

  “That terrible night I tried to call you. I needed you so bad. I needed to tell you what had happened but you didn’t answer me. But that’s neither here nor there now. Because the man I loved didn’t trust me or believe in what I once thought we shared.” She pushed Jackson to the side and climbed inside her car.

  “See you around Minister Williams.” And with that she put her car in reverse and drove off, leaving Jackson standing alone in the garage with his own supply of fresh tears pouring from his eyes. She loved him. It was the first time he’d ever heard her admit she loved him. Someway he had to convince her that he loved her too. He had reacted out of jealousy and distrust. Aisha had been right and he had been wrong. As a man of God, he knew she had done the right thing by accepting Chandler’s plea to forgive him. She had been the bigger person while he had operated out of his own fleshly thoughts and desires. Standing in the moldy damp parking garage, Jackson purposed in his heart and his mind that if necessary, he would spend the rest of his earthly life showing Aisha how much she was loved by him. With that being settled, he climbed in his car and sped off to catch up with the woman he’d pray for all of his life.

  Aisha stopped off at the grocery store to purchase some fruit and the makings for a Caesar salad. It had been hard to see Jackson without the urge to fall into his arms. The thought of seeing him again stirred up emotions she thought she had pushed aside.

  Grabbing the plastic grocery bag and heading for her apartment, she was startled by the sound of footsteps rushing towards her. Abruptly turning around to face whoever was behind her, she stopped in her tracks when she saw it was Jackson.

  “Jackson, what are you…”

  He didn’t give her a chance to finish her sentence. He walked up to her and placed his finger over her lips. “Aisha, I was wrong. I’ve been crazy with jealousy over the thought of you loving someone else. I tried to bury my feelings, tried to pretend that what we had wasn’t real. But the more I ran, the more my heart pulled me closer to you. I hope you can forgive me. Forgive me for being so stupid. Forgive me for not telling you how much I really do love you.”

  The callous expression on Aisha’s face softened. The look in her eyes exposed what was in her heart. Hearing Jackson confessing his love for her made her weak in the knees. As if he could read her mind, he removed the grocery bag from her hand, sat it on the porch and pulled her close inside his arms. She allowed herself to relax and breathe in his familiar scent. At last she felt at home. She felt safe and protected. Jackson caressed her and kissed her hair. Running his hands tenderly up and down the length of her shoulders, she could hear his heavy breathing and feel his excitement. Her head raised up to look at him and his lips passionately overpowered hers. The hunger they felt for each other was enhanced as the cool night breeze kissed their bodies. Aisha eased back, and without saying a word, turned the key to unlock the door. Jackson picked up the grocery bag, and his other hand gathered around her waist. The two of them walked inside the apartment and closed the door behind them. On the other side they opened the door to a new beginning.

  CHAPTER 45

  Walking across the stage, Tameria felt like a kid in a candy store. It was hard for her to contain her excitement. When she exited on the other side, she spotted Chase standing in the corner near the stage exit. He walked over to her and grabbed her around her full figured waist and nibbled on her neck. “I’m proud of you girl,” he said between nibbles.

  “Chase, I made it. And baby,” she said, turning around to face him. “I couldn’t have done it without you. You’ve been my rock, the one who believed in me and I love you so much,” she said and kissed him on his lips.

  Tameria along with her friends and family gathered at the dance studio after the commencement exercise. Aisha and Angie had everything decorated. The menu included fresh salads, fruits, baked chicken, salmon and fresh turkey cutlets. There were green beans, turnip greens, fresh corn, broccoli and several deliciously tantalizing desserts.

  “Tell me. How does it feel Dr. Tameria Matthews?” Jackson remarked teasingly.

  “Yeah, how does it feel?” Angie interjected as she joined the group. “You’re a doctor! Wow!”

  “Speech, speech, speech! Some of the guests chanted.

  Tameria stood up and looked around at the long table of family and friends. At that moment she felt such a tremendous thrill at how much God had blessed her life. Chase eased his hand on top of hers. She looked down at him and smiled then she began to speak. “I can’t begin to put my feelings into words. I’m absolutely in shock. I’ve made it over the first hurdle and I’m looking forward to the next one. And with the support of my loving parents, Chase’s and all of you, and of course the help of God, I know I’m going to be just fine. I am happy than I ever have been. It’s good to know that I have your love and your blessings. Your prayers have sustained me these past years and th
ey will continue to sustain me as I move forward into my residency. I love you all.” Tameria walked over to her parents and gave each of them a hug of thanks.

  “I say we should drink to that,” Angie suggested. “Wait right here. Come on sweetie,” she ordered her husband. Seconds later the two of them returned with a tray of wine glasses filled with sparkling grape juice. Passing around a glass to each of them in the circle, Angie lifted her glass in the air. “Aisha, on second thought, why don’t you do the toast?

  “Of course, I’d be happy to. Today marks a new beginning in the life of my dearest and best friend, Dr. Tameria Shante’ Matthews. We’ve seen some good times and some not so good times. There have been some ups and there have been some downs. But through it all we’ve persevered. God has watched over you and he has placed his angels charge over you. I’m thankful for your friendship and for your love. So, Tameria, may God’s blessings continue to abound in your life. May you forever be happy and may your career be all that you have hoped and dreamed. Cheers,” she said and smiled, then turned up her sparkling beverage and drank.

  CHAPTER 46

  Aisha strolled across the stage and took her place front and center behind the glass podium. She couldn’t believe that she wasn’t nervous at all. When Jackson first asked her to share her life’s testimony with the hundreds of youth who were there for the annual youth conference, Aisha quickly accepted. If it meant that through sharing her testimony she could possibly help to change one child’s life for the better then she was gung-ho for it. She had prayed leading up to the youth conference for God to tell her what He wanted her to share with the young people who would attend. She had scribbled notes after notes and searched scripture after scripture. Days before the conference, she tore up the notes. When Jackson asked her if she’d finish preparing her speech she told him that she didn’t have a speech prepared. She was going to speak from her heart.