My Dirty Detour: An Alpha Male Mafia Comedy Romance

by Grace Risata

  Sergio smirked and replied, “Yeah, that’s not going to work, is it? Why is she under your skin so bad anyway?”

  “I don’t know. I’ve been trying to figure it out. I’ve never met anyone like her. She doesn’t seem to have any ulterior motives. She doesn’t play games. She’s not anything other than what she appears to be.”

  “What’s that?” Sergio inquired, “What does she appear to be?”

  “The most fucking insane person I’ve ever met!” exclaimed Rocky as he threw up his hands. “I was talking to her outside the other night when I went to her house. It was the easiest conversation I ever had with a girl. I could actually relax and just listen to her crazy stories without having to be on my game and be two steps ahead of her. Other girls...they all WANT something. They want to know what you can do for them, what you can buy them. You can’t let your guard down for a second or they’ll sense your weakness and take advantage. Violet is just ...well...Violet. She makes me think the world isn’t a total shit hole. She didn’t have to show me the double billing yesterday. She could have put it back in the box and thought ‘Fuck them.’ She doesn’t owe us anything. We haven’t done a damn thing for her, yet she still shows up and works her ass off. She’s a good person. I’d bet her fear of me reached the next level after I lost my shit yesterday with Enrique. Violet would never go for someone like me if she knew even half of the life I lived.”

  Sergio thought about Rocky’s predicament and counseled his friend. “If you’re too much of a pansy ass to even make a move, then you’ll never know if she’d go for you or not. You’re the fighter, but I’m the player. I’ll help coach you how to get into her pants.”

  “Go fuck yourself! Since when have I ever needed help getting laid? She’s just a different kind of girl, that’s all I’m saying.”

  “For what it’s worth, I caught that ‘different kind of girl’ checking out your ass last night when I got here. I think she smells you too.”

  “She smells me? What does that even mean?” Rocky demanded.

  “I caught her inhaling really deeply after you walked by. I think she was smelling you. This was no normal sniff. Unless you shit yourself as you walked past her, which could have been the case too.”

  “You’re a son of a bitch, you know that?”

  Sergio laughed. “That’s why you love me.”

  Saturday

  The ring of my doorbell rudely interrupted me out of a sound sleep. I glanced at my alarm clock, wondering who could be at my door at seven in the morning on a Saturday. Maybe they would go away if I pretended no one was home. Before I had a chance to put the pillow back over my head, the doorbell rang yet again. What if it was the cops wanting a statement about Thursday’s brawl? What if they knocked down my door? I threw on a bulky sweatshirt to cover up the fact that I wasn’t wearing a bra and grabbed my glasses. I can’t see four feet in front of me without my contact lenses. I made my way down the hall to find out what the emergency was. To my utter shock and horror, Rocky was at the door. At seven in the morning. On a Saturday. What the hell was up with all his pop-ins?

  I unlocked the door and groaned, “I was sleeping. What the fuck?!?”

  “Every time I come over I’m greeted with a ‘What the fuck.’ Is that how you talk to all your guests?” he asked with an amused look on his face, no doubt taking in my uncombed hair and sloppy pajamas.

  “Generally guests are INVITED,” I responded, “and I remember giving you no such invitation. It’s really early. What do you want? Are you on the run from the law? Did Enrique squeal?” I couldn’t help but look him over as he stood there on my porch. He was wearing running shoes that probably set him back more than all the shoes in my closet combined. He had shiny black pants with a white stripe up the side and a tight black T shirt that left nothing to the imagination. Wow. He didn’t look like he was a fugitive from justice, rather someone out for a morning jog. Someone irresistibly SEXY out for a morning jog.

  “No one squealed on me, I already told you that wouldn’t be an issue. Quit worrying about it. I woke up early and decided to take a run this morning,” he informed me, “I happened to find myself in your neighborhood and thought I’d stop by.” Rocky tried to peek down the hall and questioned, “Any chance I’m interrupting something? I don’t want to scare away any guys you might have picked up at the bar last night, Violet.”

  “What? Since when do I go to bars and pick up random dudes?” I sputtered angrily in a high pitched voice that was not quite my own. Not that anything is wrong with having a one night stand. Life is too short to avoid all risk entirely. It just wasn’t my thing. I had an aunt (Dina, my mom’s older sister) whose recent encounters primarily consisted of one-nighters. She had some of the best stories EVER. My mom would tell me, “Do not do any of the things you’re about to hear,” and then she’d grab her coffee, pull up a chair, and listen intently as my aunt recounted some wild experience from the night before.

  “You told me you were only working for me so you could get self-defense lessons to fend off unwanted advances from the wrong guys. I assumed that meant you were ready to start dating right now. I don’t know how fast you plan on jumping on the horse.”

  “I would not jump on ANYTHING that I met in a bar after one night. I don’t DO one night stands.” I felt the need to clarify, “and if I did, I certainly wouldn’t bring some stray dude back to my place and let him stay over. You know I have germ issues. No way am I letting some unfamiliar guy sleep in my bed. That’s gross.” I really shouldn’t have to explain that to him. It’s none of his business if I DID have a guy in my bed.

  “Ah,” Rocky smiled, “I should have known better. Anyway, what’s going on today?”

  “You ran all the way over to my house to ask me what I was doing today?” I asked him, wondering what the hell it was that really brought him here. Did Rocky want me to work? Maybe he wanted me to make up for missing Wednesday night? But I was not giving up a Saturday, especially when the weather looked perfect outside!

  “No, I didn’t ask you what YOU were doing. I asked you what was going on today. You’ve lived here longer then I have, so I figured you might be able to suggest something fun to do. Sergio’s been bitching that I work too much. I’m cooped up. I need to get out of here and focus my mind on something else. In case you didn’t notice, I had a bad week with all the challenges to my authority.”

  I wonder if he meant that I was one of those challenges? Probably. “Well, you could always go to the Taste of the Town in Coral City. It’s a festival with a shitload of restaurants that set up weird food stands and they book some up-and-coming indie bands. Why don’t you run on home and google it?”

  He raised his eyebrows and pointed out the obvious, “I have a smart phone seeing as how this is not the stone age, so I can just google it right here on your porch. Let’s see what we have.“ He was touching buttons on his phone, obviously pleased with himself that he could do something technology related that I hadn’t thought of.

  Wanting to be faster than his smart phone, I replied, “They have about eighty restaurants on two intersecting streets with menu offerings such as deep fried cheeseburgers, chocolate covered bacon, and rum flavored cheesecake. The bands play on stages at the end of the streets. One side is usually rock music and the other has country. Or do you already know that because your phone told you?”

  “There are actually eighty-seven restaurants, miss know-it-all. Are you going to this food thing?”

  “No, I don’t think so. I used to go every year with my husband, but now I don’t know. I wouldn’t go by myself. I’ll just stay home and find something to do around here.” Oh, great answer. Now I look like a loser who can’t scrounge up a friend to go with me anywhere.

  “I think it sounds like it could be fun. Sergio has a bottomless pit for a stomach and it will give us something to do. Google tells me that it’s open today from two to midnight, so we’ll pick you up here at five. Be ready on time, because I won’t be kept waiting.”r />
  Wait, what? How did I get invited to this? Why is he inviting ME? I stood looking at him dumbfounded as he said, “See you tonight,” and jumped off my porch to jog away.

  After staring after him with my mouth hanging open for what seemed like an hour but was probably only a few minutes, I shut the door and ran for the phone to call Stella. She answered groggily after the third ring.

  “What? Who is this? What’s the matter?”

  “Stella, it’s me. You will NOT believe what just happened. Rocky showed up on my front porch all hot and sweaty after a morning run and asked what there was to do around here. I told him about the taste of the town in Coral City and he said he’d pick me up tonight at five!”

  “Am I dreaming?” she asked, “or are you really waking me up on one of my only days to sleep late with some imaginary boy drama?” Stella was really not happy with anyone who interrupted her beauty sleep.

  “Stella, are you listening to me? Rocky…my front porch…seven in the morning on a Saturday. Do you think this is like a date?” I asked her in disbelief.

  “Let’s think about this. A guy is out on his morning run and he’s clearly spending time thinking about you or he wouldn’t have ended up at your front door. He claims to have been coincidentally in your neighborhood, asks you about your plans for the day, and then makes YOUR plans become HIS plans so he can ask you to join him. Sure as hell sounds like a date to me. Problem solved. Can I please try to go back to sleep now?”

  Clearly Stella did not understand the magnitude of what had just occurred. Rocky was sort of my boss. He was also dangerously hot, short tempered, arrogant, and completely out of my league. “No, you can NOT go back to sleep, Stella. I need guidance. What do I even wear?” I asked her.

  “Clothes,” she replied, and then promptly hung up on me. That’s my Stella, always the helpful voice of reason. Let’s get a different opinion and try Frankie. There’s no way she’s awake yet either, but I feel like being the alarm clock for the world today.

  “Hey, mom, it’s me. Are you up yet?” I already knew the answer but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to ask.

  “No. I told you a thousand times NOT to call me before eight in the morning but you never listen. What’s wrong?”

  “I just wondered what you were doing today, because I have plans. You’ll never in a million years guess what they are.” Of course she wouldn’t; she still had no clue that Sergio and Rocky existed.

  “I have no exciting plans and I’m not guessing yours. I give up, Violet, just tell me.”

  “I told you that I was going to take some self-defense classes, but I never told you WHO was giving them. Remember last weekend when you made me pick up the tractor part? Well I got lost and ended up at some brewery and it was run by two insanely gorgeous guys and they needed a bookkeeper so they offered me a job for eight hours a week and in return I get self-defense lessons and now---“

  “WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,” she interrupted. “Slow down. What you do mean you got offered a job and you’re getting paid in lessons? Is one of the guys a self-defense instructor? Why are you just telling me all of this now, a week later? What the hell is going on?”

  I kind of figured that would be her reaction, which is precisely why I waited as long as possible to tell her. “Mom, you’re always bitching at me to try new things and come out of my shell and not be such a loser. Well I’m totally doing that!”

  “Violet, I never EVER called you a loser. When I suggested trying new things I meant joining a gym or taking a class at the community college, not walking into some strange place and getting a second job that doesn’t even pay real money.”

  “Mom,” I whined, “if you saw either one of these guys then you would understand why I took the job. Sergio is Italian and he looks like he belongs in a Ferrari commercial. Rocky doesn’t have classic good looks, but he gives off a total danger vibe. They’re both built like bodyguards and they have a level of coolness infinitely beyond me. I couldn’t pass up my chance to interact with them and see how the other half lives.”

  “Are you on crack, Violet? Do you hear yourself? You’ve given up on finding a man, so you settle for working next to some hot ones?”

  “That’s where the plot thickens, mom. This is where I was headed with the whole phone call before you tried to be a buzz kill! Rocky just came over to invite me to go to the Taste of the Town in Coral City. He’s picking me up at five and I guess Sergio is going too.”

  “That doesn’t make sense. Is it a date? Why are they both going? Are you sure this is safe? Do you even KNOW anything about these two? I didn’t raise you to be reckless. You never do anything spontaneous. What’s gotten into you?”

  “You always tell me that I need to live and not just exist. I’ve been existing since the divorce, mom. I want to start living again. If they decide to murder/rape me and bury the body then you can tell the police to go to Grim Rock Distillery and arrest them. Have you ever heard of Olde Devil Gin? That’s what they make.”

  “Nope, I never heard of it. Give me the address and you better call me the second you get home. Call me once while you’re there, too. On second thought, I’ll call you to check in later. Have fun, but you BETTER be careful! Love you.”

  I told her I loved her too and we hung up. It felt good to come clean and update her on the past week. Now I just had to kill time until the guys picked me up. This was going to be a LONG day. Something told me that half of it would be spent trying on every single pair of jeans I had, shaking my head, and rejecting them all. What exactly is the dress code when you’re being escorted to an event with two drool-worthy specimens of the male persuasion? Every girl there is going to take one look at the two of them and then look at me and think, “What are they doing with her?” No amount of time in front of the mirror is going to change that now. Better to just accept defeat, pick a comfy pair of sneakers, and get ready to suck down some deep fried foods.

  ----------------------------------------------------------

  Meanwhile Rocky continued his jog with a shit eating grin plastered across his face. His car was parked down the next block, but Violet had no clue. He had no motivation to take a run at the crack of dawn on a Saturday; he had cheated and taken his car. He dialed Sergio’s number and waited for his friend to pick up the phone.

  “Hey, what are you doing?”

  “I’m sleeping, you fucker! It’s seven o’clock in the morning, what the hell do you think I’m doing?” There was a noise in the background of a woman sighing and murmuring a question. Sergio told her to go get her clothes on and get ready to leave.

  “It sounds like you have company this morning. Rough night?” Rocky asked and started to laugh.

  “Yes, Jackass, which is why I don’t appreciate the wake-up call. I got home at three but didn’t get to sleep until five, if you know what I mean. You better have a damn good reason to be bothering me!?!”

  Rocky considered the question and admitted, “Actually, there is no crisis. I slept for shit last night, but I finally got my mind right. I figured out a plan to get myself out of this fucking mood.”

  “It’s about time you do something. Everyone is on edge at work, waiting for your next tantrum. I’m glad you finally realized you have to snap out of it. What’s the plan? I assume it involves me, because of this phone call?”

  “Funny you should ask, because you ARE a part of it. We’re hitting the big city tonight, Coral City, and we’re going to rip shit up and bust me out of my funk.”

  “Now you’re talking, Rocky. You know I’m up for anything.”

  “Good. We’ll pick you up at five. You’re going to some food tasting thing with me and Violet. See ya later.”

  Rocky hung up the phone. He couldn’t control his laughter when the phone buzzed ten seconds later with an incoming call from Sergio. He didn’t answer. He knew his friend would not be thrilled with the prospect of Violet tagging along. If Sergio knew that he was actually the third wheel and not Violet, it would really piss him off
!

  Saturday Afternoon

  As it turns out, I only had to try on fifteen pairs of jeans until I found one that worked. I went over my outfit one last time while I waited for the guys to arrive. Dark blue skinny jeans with a black belt? Check. Pink short-sleeved shirt layered under a tight black long-sleeved V neck? Check. Socks and sneakers for comfort? Check. Nails painted jet black to appear bad-ass? Check. I applied some eyeliner and tried my best to tame my hair. I made sure I had one pocket full of cash, hand sanitizer, and my driver’s license. The other pocket held my cell phone. I hated carrying a purse if I didn’t have to. The revving of an engine alerted me to the arrival of the guys and a peek out the window showed a black Dodge Challenger sitting in my driveway. It had to be them. Game on!

  I opened the front door before Rocky had a chance to ring the bell. “Hi,” I said. Wow, that was smooth. I would have to work on my conversation skills if I was going to be spending the whole night with these two.

  “Hey. Are you ready to eat your way through Coral City?” Rocky looked me over, eyes lingering on the way the form-fitting shirt hugged my chest in all the right places. My outfit must have passed inspection. I nodded my head as he directed me to the passenger side backseat and opened the door. Sergio was driving, so this must be his car.

  “Your car is very fancy, Sergio. Does this Challenger come with the standard engine or did you pony up for the street racing package?”

  I watched their jaws drop as they exchanged looks, surprised at my car knowledge. I never passed up an opportunity to show off. I’ve always had a thing for cars. From a young age I could tell you the name of each make and model.

  “It’s the base engine, Violet,” Sergio explained. “Do you know someone who has a Challenger or what?”

  “Nope. I just like cars.” This one was a pretty sweet ride, even without the bigger motor. The engine gave a throaty growl as Sergio stepped on the gas and we peeled out of my driveway. Rocky turned up the radio and they both sat in silence as we made our way toward the interstate. B-O-R-I-N-G. I poked my head in between them and figured someone should make some conversation. After all, it was a thirty minute drive to Coral City. I knew almost nothing about these guys and this was the perfect chance to find out more.