My Dirty Detour: An Alpha Male Mafia Comedy Romance

by Grace Risata

  Wednesday evening found me at Irina’s bar, nervously tapping my foot against the leg of my bar stool. Dmitry had made a few phone calls and got Leo to agree to meet at eight at The Sailor’s Port. The clock over the bar currently read quarter after eight. I guess Ursula liked to be fashionably late.

  “Calm down,” Rocky whispered in my ear. “Everything is under control.”

  It sure as hell didn’t feel that way. It felt like someone dropped me smack in the middle of a bad movie. A bad gangster movie. As I checked out our group for the tenth time, my mind wandered to the events of the afternoon. I had undergone quite a transformation and the results had received a mixed reaction.

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  Irina felt bad for hitting me in the face, so to make amends she decided to give me a makeover. She went back to her place and returned with armloads of clothes and bags of make-up. I was her afternoon project. She looked through her clothes and realized she had no pants or shoes that would fit me, so I was on my own with those. I wore my tightest pair of black skinny jeans and the slutty shoes I used for my dominatrix night with Rocky. I couldn’t really walk in them, but I figured that was the least of my problems. Irina had a black push-up bra that miraculously fit me. I hated it. I like an underwire to keep my girls firmly in place and not sagging to my knees. However, I do not want them propped up to my chin either. This stupid bra had padding, which I did not AT ALL need. I felt like if I bent over, my tits would pop completely out of the bra. The shirt she gave me was a pretty dark purple color and that was the only thing I liked about it. It was super tight with a silver zipper that was too far down for my taste. I wasn’t used to having cleavage on display and it was very uncomfortable. The first time I tried to pull the zipper up, Irina laughed at me. It turns out the zipper was only for decoration and it didn’t actually work. It was a three quarter sleeve shirt. That meant my wrists were hanging out there to be loaded up with noisy bangle bracelets that knocked against each other every time I moved. I sounded like a fucking wind chime. I think I forgot to mention that the shirt was pretty sheer, which meant you could see the bra underneath, which meant I felt like a two bit tramp. But that wasn’t the worst part. She didn’t stop at choosing my outfit. She did my hair and make-up too.

  I believe I’ve discussed my naturally curly hair and how I dislike it. Well, it’s what I’m used to when I look in the mirror. I don’t handle change very well at all. Change sends me into a fit of epic proportions. Let’s just say that when I looked in the mirror tonight, I had no idea who that girl was. Irina decided I needed a sleek sophisticated look. That does not involve curls. So she straightened my hair. It took an hour and it was hot sitting there as she blow-dried each section straight. I was losing my patience by the second. On the positive side, my hair looks at least two inches longer when you straighten it, which is cool because I always want my hair to be longer. I liked to play with the straight hair and run my hands through it, but Irina kept smacking me and telling me not to grease it up. It kind of just hung there limply with no style. It was ok, it just wasn’t “me.” The part that freaked me out was the make-up. I normally wear chapstick and eye liner. That’s all. Irina did a whole cosmetic routine. I had foundation, concealer, blush, lip liner, lipstick, lip gloss, eye liner, two different shades of eye shadow, and mascara. She wanted to tweeze my eyebrows and also add fake eye lashes, but I threw a fit and told her she wasn’t allowed to do anything else. When she was done, she proudly turned me to look in the mirror and admire her work. I smiled and thanked her, although I didn’t like it. It wasn’t “me.” I did like the purple nail polish that matched my shirt. She wanted to put on fake nails, but I refused those too. It was going to take me three hours to wash this shit off tonight. I don’t know how normal girls find the time for all this. I knew my mom would be impressed with all the make-up since she’s always telling me to put on more lipstick.

  I had Irina take a picture of me with my phone and I texted it to my mom. She texted back, “Nice to see you’re playing dress-up while everyone worries about you!” I guess I’m still on her shit list.

  While Irina worked on her charity project, the guys got ready too. Dmitry went home to shower and grab some fresh clothes while Vasily stayed on the roof. He was going to get a hell of a tan with all that outside time. Irina brought him a new outfit to change into so he could come with us. Rocky and Sergio also prettied up, with Rocky taking twenty minutes and Sergio coming back after two hours.

  Rocky, Sergio, and Dmitry were all hanging out in the living room waiting for Irina and I to finish getting ready. Irina pranced out to announce that she was revealing a new and improved Violet. I really did not want to go out there and make my debutante debut. I mean Irina STILL looked hotter than I did. She wore a low cut black leather mini dress with cutouts on the sides. It barely covered her ass. Black high heels and a chunky gold necklace with a tiger pendant completed her look. She was in full make-up and her hair would have fit in at any beauty pageant.

  “Violet, get your ass out here and show off my hard work. RIGHT NOW!” Irina screamed at me from the living room. Fuck. Show time.

  I casually walked out slowly so as not to fall and break my ankle in the sky high shoes. I put my hand on my hip and attempted a runway walk, but I don’t think it worked. The guys all stared at me with a mixture of expressions.

  Sergio let out a wolf whistle and said, “Great job, Irina. I didn’t know Violet had it in her!” He examined me from head to toe more than once, always pausing on my chest each time.

  Dmitry said, “Well…you sure don’t look like a librarian anymore, huh?”

  That led us to Rocky’s reaction. What a surprise. He looked furious. I guess that was his favorite emotion. He stalked over to me, picked me up, carried me back into the bedroom, and closed the door. Something told me we were not going in there for a quick fuck.

  “Violet…where to begin…what do you think of your new look?”

  “What do YOU think of my new look?” I responded.

  “I asked you first.”

  “That’s mature.”

  Rocky sighed in frustration. “Honesty and communication, Violet. Please?”

  “Ok. I don’t like all this make-up. I feel like a clown. The bracelets are clanking together like a wind chime and they’re making my arm sweat. I want to rip them off. If I bend over, my tits are going to pop out of this stupid push-up bra. I can’t breathe in these jeans because they’re too tight. The heels are making my feet scream in agony. I also don’t have any underwear on because Irina refused to let me wear my normal underwear and I sure as hell wasn’t wearing one of her thongs because that’s gross to wear someone else’s underwear. Although I do have her bra on, but that’s different because it’s just touching a boob and not a more private part.” I took a breath after my run-on sentence and looked at him.

  He broke into a huge smile and said, “Thank God.”

  “What?”

  “I don’t like it either. I can’t touch you or kiss you whenever I want because I’ll smear your make-up. You have a very nice body and I don’t like it on full display for everyone to see. I don’t want Sergio and every other guy in the world leering at you like you’re a piece of meat.”

  “But…I look like more of a girl now, don’t I? Doesn’t it turn you on?”

  “You don’t look like you. I like playing with your curls, wrapping them around my fingers. You look fake. I like the real Violet. The only thing that turns me on is knowing you’re not wearing any underwear. You should not have told me that. It’s the only thing I’m going to think about all night.”

  He put his hand on my back and started to walk me into the living room, but abruptly stopped. He leaned down and whispered in my ear, “I always think you’re beautiful. You turn me on no matter what you wear. But I like you best in nothing at all with your hair all messed up after I fuck you. Never forget that.” He opened the door and smacked me on the ass as we re-joined the group. I jump
ed in surprise and he had to catch me from falling on the damn heels.

  “So Rocky, what do you think?” Irina impatiently questioned.

  “I think that the first person who stares too long at her tits is going to get some teeth knocked out. That’s what I think,” Rocky threatened.

  “Are you going to keep this look?” Sergio asked me, careful to keep his eyes from straying south.

  “Probably not. It’s too high maintenance. I can’t run from zombies during the apocalypse if I’m too busy worrying I might break a nail or smudge my eye liner.”

  Dmitry laughed and said, “No matter what she looks like on the outside, she’s still the same Violet on the inside.” I gave him a high five.

  Sergio’s phone rang with a call from Carmine telling him they had arrived and were ready to go to Irina’s bar. Gypsy stayed behind to keep an eye on things so Vasily could finally come down from the roof.

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  So there we were. Watching the clock and waiting for Princess Ursula to grace us with her presence. I was extremely uncomfortable due to my outfit choice and the fact that I didn’t know what would happen once she arrived. One look around confirmed that I was the only one visibly nervous. Rocky, Dmitry, and I were sitting on bar stools with our backs to Irina and Vasily, who were behind the bar. The guys wore jeans, boots, and buttoned up dress shirts in different colors. I had no doubt that various weapons were hidden in pockets and fully accessible should the need arise. Sergio, Carmine, and Dante were sitting at a table off to the side, engrossed in their own conversation. Sergio and Dante looked overdressed in pressed suit pants, white oxford shirts with enough buttons undone to expose gold chains and chest hair, and pricey watches adorning their wrists. Carmine had a sweater/pants combo with loafers. He seemed unimpressed with my new look, while Dante kept blatantly staring over at me.

  I stared back and narrowed my eyes at him.

  Sergio got up from the table to see what he was missing over by us. He turned to Rocky and said, “Aren’t you going to ask what we did last night?”

  Aha! Finally. I didn’t let Rocky have a chance to answer. I jumped in. “Aren’t YOU going to ask how I got this black eye?”

  “Where? It looks like make-up on both eyes to me. What are you talking about?” Sergio looked confused as he examined my face.

  “No, it’s a totally visible black eye. You’re just blinded by my beauty. Look closer.”

  “I’m sorry, I’m still not seeing anything,” Sergio admitted while squinting at both my eyes.

  “I got it because I mouthed off to the wrong person and got smacked,” I explained.

  “Okay…” he replied.

  “UGH! You’re supposed to say that no one should hit me for talking disrespectfully and I’m supposed to tell you to tell that to your brother!”

  Rocky rolled his eyes at me and said, “That was your plan to get back at Sergio for not sticking up for you?”

  Dmitry leaned over and said, “Worst plan ever, Violet.”

  “All of you can eat a dick!” I exclaimed.

  Seeing that Sergio was completely lost, Rocky shrugged and explained, “She thinks you’re a douchebag because you let Carmine talk to her the way that he talks. She’s not used to that.”

  “I thought you were a friend, but you didn’t have my back last night and it pissed me off!” There, I said it. It felt good.

  “Sergio only cares about Sergio. It doesn’t take too long to figure that out,” Dmitry grunted.

  “Hey, that’s not true at all,” Sergio argued.

  Dante must have heard portions of the conversation because he came over and butted in with his opinion. “I must be hearing things because it sounded like she just told you all to ‘eat a dick.’ Since when do you candy-asses let a girl talk to you like that? What the fuck? You leave New York and turn into little pussies or what? The Sergio I knew would have charmed the panties off her, Rocky would have walked away before he’d ever let a girl disrespect him like that, and Dmitry would have pulled a gun on her. What’s happened to you three?”

  They never got a chance to reply because Ursula chose that moment to come storming through the front door. She was joined by an angry Natalia, Leo, Eduardo, and Enrique. I guess they didn’t appreciate the bouncers searching them and taking any weapons they might have had on them. It couldn’t have been too hard to frisk the ladies, seeing as how they barely had any clothes on.

  Natalia and Ursula looked like they were on their way to a rave or an orgy. Both wore short, tight mini dresses with high heels and loads of jewelry and make-up. Natalia had a backless white mini dress with lace up white stiletto boots. She had white finger nails, white eye shadow, and blood red lipstick. A white lace choker style necklace completed her look. She was incredibly glamorous. With her pale hair and dark lipstick, she looked like a villainous snow queen from a fairy tale.

  Not to be outdone, Ursula had a sparkly pink mini dress with a neckline that plunged all the way down to about two inches below her bellybutton. I had no idea what was keeping her boobs up and in place. She must have double sided tape on those babies. It was unreal. Her make-up was gaudy, as usual. The jewelry was unimpressive: a huge pink diamond hanging off a diamond necklace with matching earrings and bracelets. The most eye catching part of her ensemble was the shoes. I’m not going to lie, I wanted them desperately. They were black with the heel being a sword coming out of a skeleton’s mouth. I had never seen anything like that in my life. I would never be able to walk in them. It looked like a piece of art instead of a pair of shoes.

  Leo wore a navy blue velour running suit and looked like a giant tool. Enrique and Eduardo looked scummy in low-hanging jeans, large T shirts, and baseball hats. They seemed out of place; both in this crowd and with the ladies they were escorting.

  I turned to Rocky and whispered, “I want Ursula’s shoes. How you can go from her to me…well there’s no comparison. She wins in every department where looks are concerned.”

  He leaned over and whispered in my ear without taking his eyes off her, “Those shoes easily cost her upwards of two grand. You got me more excited in your five dollar thrift store heels, than she ever did. You win in every department where anything is concerned.” With that, he used one hand to pull me closer so he could stick his tongue down my throat, while he grabbed my ass with the other. I had no idea where that came from, but I went with it. I leaned up and whispered in his ear, “What was that for?”

  “I’m in charge tonight,” was the response I received. Okay then.

  Ursula stared daggers at us while Natalia surveyed the room looking unimpressed.

  “What do I have to do to get a drink in this dump?” Natalia shouted as she sauntered over to the bar and smacked her hand on the top. She sneered at Irina and demanded, “Wench, give me a drink and make sure it’s not cheap shit.”

  Irina smiled and replied, “Certainly.” She got a bottle of expensive Vodka and poured it into a martini glass. She garnished it with two olives and then cleared her throat and spit a giant gob into the drink. “Here. On the house. Just for you.”

  To my surprise, Natalia walked over and actually picked up the drink. She then threw it in Irina’s face. This caused Irina to scream and vault over the bar like an Olympic gymnast. A catfight of epic proportions ensued. Irina smacked Natalia in the face, and took a punch to the stomach in return. Fists were flying as both ladies pulled hair, screamed, and kicked at one another. Before long they were rolling around on the floor, trying to sit on top of each other to gain the upper hand. I would have bet my money on Natalia, but Irina was actually holding her own. It was very impressive. Irina threw a wild blow at Natalia’s nose, but the girl blocked her and scratched Irina’s face with her sharp nails. Irina cried out and clutched at her cheek in pain. I looked around hoping that someone would step in and stop the fight.

  The guys were all hypnotized by the sight of two gorgeous women going at it like wild hyenas fighting over the last pie
ce of meat on an animal carcass. I guess no man is immune to the lure of a catfight. I looked around the bar, trying to find something to use to separate them. There was no way I could get in between them without sustaining major damage myself. I saw a full pitcher of beer on the bar and I grabbed for it with every intention of throwing it on the girls, the way you’d spray two fighting dogs with a garden hose to break them up.

  Rocky put his arm around my waist, took the pitcher from my hands, and sternly advised, “No. You can’t intervene. That will make Irina look like she can’t handle her business. Let them finish.”

  “No!” I protested.

  “Yes,” Dmitry insisted without taking his eyes off the fight.

  As it turns out, I only had to wait thirty more seconds until someone else stopped the fight. Ursula stood over the brawling pair and yelled, “ENOUGH!”

  Natalia immediately pushed Irina away and stood up, brushing off her white dress that was no longer white. It was coated with dirt from the bar floor and blood from either her, Irina, or both of them combined.

  Irina was not ready to end the fight. “I’ll fucking kill you right here, bitch,” she spat at Natalia while wiping blood off her cheek. Whether she was capable of that or not, I wasn’t sure. It was apparent that she thought she could and wanted to give it one hell of a try.

  Ursula spoke and it became obvious why she stopped the fight; not out of concern for her friend, but rather because she couldn’t stand not being the center of attention. “We’re not here for you two to attack each other like animals. We’re here because Violet was going to back out of our fight and show us what a cowardly whore she is.”

  Oh, yes, thank you for bringing me into this.

  “No, she wasn’t going to back out,” Rocky disagreed. “I forbid her to fight you. This isn’t her fight. It’s mine. With all of you as witnesses, I’m stepping up in Violet’s place. Ursula, that means you have the option to choose an opponent for me. Any opponent you want. I talked to Angelo Barsotti today and he said that’s perfectly legal and well within my rights.” He gave her a look as if to dare her to challenge him.