My Dirty Detour: An Alpha Male Mafia Comedy Romance

by Grace Risata

  Ursula was taken aback, clearly not expecting this new development. She paused and huddled with Leo and Natalia to confer about their options. Enrique and Eduardo were not included in the huddle and they looked pissed with their status as outsiders from the group.

  After a few minutes, Ursula strutted back over to Rocky with Leo and Natalia close behind. She looked me over and said, “This new look of yours certainly fits. With those clothes and that make-up, you’re clearly a cheap slut. You must think you’re something special if Rocky’s willing to die for you. Because the opponent I’m going to choose will murder him.” I knew she was just trying to get a rise out of me. I remembered Dmitry’s lesson number one. Don’t let your opponent under your skin.

  “I’m not anything special. Maybe Rocky just appreciates the fact that my tits are real, because yours are obviously NOT.”

  This was not the right thing to say. Ursula narrowed her eyes at me and said, “We’ll see who’s laughing when you’re standing over his dead body after my brother tears him apart limb from limb.” She loudly declared, “Rocky, you’ll be fighting Alexei. He just happens to be in New York this month and he’d be more than happy to teach you a lesson.”

  Rocky simply said, “Fine. I agree to fight Alexei.”

  Carmine got up from the table where he had remained seated this entire time. “Rocky will take on Alexei and prove once and for all that our family is the strongest. Tell your father that we’ll put up a hundred grand on Rocky to beat Alexei. I’ll expect everyone to show up in town this Friday night. The fight will be at six o’clock, at a location to be determined later. Is that acceptable, or do you think your father will have a problem with that wager?”

  “As a matter of fact,” Ursula replied, “he WILL have a problem with that wager. Make it two hundred thousand and you have a deal.”

  Carmine agreed. “Done. We’ll contact you with the details of the fight tomorrow.”

  Leo looked at me and taunted, “Alexei is a killer. Rocky’s blood will be on your hands, you stupid bitch. I hope you can live with yourself after that.” He laughed like a maniac who had just said the funniest thing in the world.

  Ursula cackled in agreement and headed to the door with Natalia and Leo not far behind. She looked over her shoulder and added, “It was nice knowing you, Rocky. Enjoy your last two days before my brother annihilates you.” She snapped her fingers and looked at Enrique and Eduardo. “Let’s go,” she ordered and they all marched out the door.

  I put my head in my hands. As bad as I thought it was for me to have to fight Ursula, this was turning out to be much worse. But we weren’t done with bad news for the night just yet…

  Wednesday Evening, 9:30 p.m. Week Three

  After Dmitry made sure that Ursula and company left the parking lot and weren’t waiting to spring out from the bushes and riddle us with bullets, it was time to go. I hadn’t said a single thing since she left. What was there to say? I had a sinking feeling in my stomach that each moment was becoming worse than the last. I was on a downward spiral with one bad thing happening after another.

  Dmitry, Vasily, and Irina decided to stay at the bar in case Ursula or Natalia came back to resolve any unfinished business. Vasily was in a very sour mood and trying to assess Irina for hidden injuries that she hadn’t told him about. Irina was busy bitching that she wasn’t allowed to finish the fight. Dmitry just looked very tired.

  The rest of us piled into Carmine’s rented SUV and headed back to the brewery. Sergio drove, Dante had the passenger seat, and Rocky sat in back with Carmine and I on either side of him. I looked out the window forlornly, desperate to be somewhere else. I gazed at the stars and appreciated how far away they were. I wished I was on some happy planet full of rainbows and puppies and sandy beaches. Instead I was on a shit planet full of fighting and evil Russian scheming bitches and Italian goons about to snort coke. Wait, what was that last part? I snapped out of my beach planet daydream when I noticed Dante take a small vial full of white stuff out of his pocket. Don’t tell me he was going to snort that right here? Rocky was deep in discussion with Carmine and didn’t see it until a few seconds later. I felt him stiffen up next to me.

  “Put it away,” Rocky ordered Dante.

  “Eat shit, Rocky. I don’t take orders from you.”

  “I’m not telling you again, Dante. Put…it…away!” Rocky again ordered in a tone that implied he was not to be disobeyed.

  Dante glared at Rocky defiantly and didn’t move.

  Carmine stepped in and said, “Just calm down, everyone.”

  Rocky looked at Sergio and demanded, “Pull this car over, NOW!”

  Sergio pulled the car over without hesitation and Rocky leaned over me and opened the door. “Out. NOW!” he barked. I tumbled out of the car and took a few quick steps away from the road. I had no idea what was about to go down, but I didn’t want a front row seat.

  Rocky began to walk away from the vehicle toward me, but stopped when Dante got out too. Dante yelled to Rocky, “You’re going to lose my uncle his two hundred grand, you fucking jerk-off. You got soft, man! You’re only worried about this bitch all the time and to hell with your friends! What the fuck? No pussy is worth that shit. The Rocky I know never would have behaved the way you did tonight—“

  Rocky didn’t let him finish his sentence. He walked up to Dante and punched him twice in the face with a right cross followed by a knockout left hook. Dante went down hard. Sergio and Carmine rushed over to do damage control before Rocky went nuts.

  Sergio stuttered an apology to Rocky. “I didn’t know he had that stuff on him, Rocky. I swear. He just had some pot last night, none of this other crap. I swear, I didn’t know.”

  Carmine helped Dante back to his feet and told Rocky, “We’ll discuss this tomorrow. Get back in the car.”

  Rocky told Sergio, “Take them back to their hotel. We’ll walk home.”

  Sergio began to protest, but Rocky insisted, “It’s not open to discussion.”

  The three Italians got back in the car and left us standing by the side of the road. Thankfully it was a decent temperature and the nights hadn’t started to get cold yet.

  I stood staring at Rocky, unsure of what to do next.

  He stared right back at me and shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know what you want me to say. I’m a violent asshole and it’s not uncommon for the people I’m with to snort coke. I fucked Ursula and she’s a cold hearted manipulative whore. I’ve made extremely bad choices in my life and they’re all coming back to bite me in the ass at once. It sucks to be me, Violet.”

  He watched me, waiting for my response.

  “I don’t know what you want ME to say. I’ve never been exposed to this lifestyle and it’s all a bit overwhelming, honestly.” That was the truth. “I’ve seen two girls fight before, but never to that degree. I’ve never seen real cocaine in person, let alone anyone about to snort it right in front of me. That was kind of a shocker.”

  “Yeah, I don’t want you around any of this. If there was a way to protect you from knowing the life I had, believe me I would. It’s pretty intense. I used to fight a lot. But NEVER did I once touch serious drugs in my entire life. I’m sure you probably don’t believe me after what you’ve seen tonight, but I promise I’m telling the truth. I know what drugs do to people. They can ruin your life in ways you can’t even imagine. I want no part of that. I will admit to having tried an occasional joint when I was younger, but it didn’t do anything for me. Some of the people Sergio used to hang out with did drugs. It messed them up pretty bad. I warned him that I would kick his ass if he ever did that shit. One time I caught him in a back room at a party. He was snorting coke off some naked chick. I grabbed him and dragged him out of there. I beat the hell out of him and I ignored him for two weeks after that. He can’t stand to be ignored almost as bad as Ursula can’t stand it when she isn’t the center of attention. After the two weeks, he was begging me to talk to him and promised on his mom’s life that he�
��d never do any drugs like that again. As far as I know, he’s kept his promise.”

  I nodded my head. It was good to know that Rocky didn’t do drugs. There were a lot of drugs here, even in small Pineville, and I heard horror stories of families being destroyed over people’s drug habits.

  Rocky began to unbutton his dress shirt and I said, “What are you doing?”

  “You can’t be standing out here wearing that. You’re in a bra with a see through shirt over it. You’re going to catch pneumonia. I’m taking off my shirt so you can wear it,” he explained.

  “Fuck that! You have to fight Mr. Boxing Champ of the World in two days. There’s no way in hell that you can afford to get sick. I am NOT wearing that shirt,” I insisted.

  “I’m only trying to take care of you, Violet. Although it’s heartwarming how you worry about me.”

  “Fine. We’ll compromise. How about you give me your undershirt and keep the top long sleeve shirt on? Then it’ll be fair.”

  By some miracle, Rocky agreed to that and then I thought we’d be on our way. Well…maybe not quite yet.

  “How far exactly do you think it is until we get back to your place? Because I can’t walk in these shoes,” I said while pointing to the dominatrix death traps on my feet.

  “It’s about three miles by my best guess.”

  “Ok. Can you just maybe snap off the heels and then I can walk in them?”

  “Absolutely not. I like those shoes. I’m not ruining them. I have very fond memories of those shoes and what you did while wearing them. They remind me of a time before all this crap blew up in my face, a time when I was happy,” Rocky mused.

  “You do realize that was less than forty-eight hours ago, right?”

  Rocky gave that some thought and said, “Wow. Time flies. Anyway…I’m not breaking the shoes. Hop up and I can piggy-back you home.”

  “It’s three miles! I’ll break your back!”

  “Nah, it’s good exercise. I need to start training for my fight anyway.”

  Rocky’s phone rang and he was saved from me nagging that I really didn’t want him to fight at all. He looked at the caller ID and saw it was Dmitry.

  Rocky answered with, “Whatever the problem is, figure it out yourself.”

  “You’re the problem,” Dmitry replied. “Sergio just called shitting himself, blubbering about how he left you by the side of the road and that I had to come and get you right fucking now. I’m in my car on the way there. Where exactly are you?”

  Rocky gave Dmitry our location and then he bent down so I could hop on for my piggy-back ride. I like piggy-back rides and I shared that with Rocky.

  “Well, at least I’m not a total failure with you tonight,” he said.

  “What does that mean?”

  “It means I’m angry about Dante almost doing drugs in front of you and then mouthing off to me. He should know better.”

  Rocky felt really tense as he carried me down the street. I guess he had the weight of the world on his shoulders, both figuratively and literally. I wanted to try and get him to relax so I could take his mind off his worries, even for a few minutes.

  “Speaking of drugs,” I said, “you only told me about YOUR history, but you never asked about mine.”

  This gave him pause. “Don’t tell me that YOU did drugs, Violet?” he asked with doubt.

  “Of course not, I’m a goody two shoes. But I do have a story none-the-less. Want to hear it?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “Ok. Once upon a time, or rather about three months after my dad died, Stella decided that I needed to get out and do something fun.”

  “Uh oh, I don’t like the sound of this,” Rocky interrupted.

  “Sit tight, it gets good. So Stella decided to fix me up with some college guy that she thought would be a great fit for me.”

  “Now I REALLY do not like the way this is going,” Rocky growled.

  “Rocky! It’s me. How bad can it get? Trust me here, will you? Anyway, I still lived with my mom and she was still very upset about my dad’s death, so my Aunt Dina came over that night to keep my mom company while this dude took me to a movie. After the movie was over, it was around nine at night and it was awkward because I didn’t know what would come next. He was kind of a dork, but I really didn’t know him so I asked him if he wanted to come over for dessert because I had just made a cake that day.”

  “And let me guess, he thought YOU were the dessert?”

  “Dude! If you interrupt me ONE MORE TIME, I swear I won’t finish this story! As I was saying, he drove back to my house and we went in to find my mom and Aunt Dina innocently sitting at the kitchen table. This guy says – and these are his exact words – ‘Do I detect a suspicious odor of marijuana in the room?’ My mom looked at him and asked, ‘What are you….a narc?’ and her and Dina bust out in a fit of laughter. I died of embarrassment and the guy made some lame excuse to get the hell out of there. Needless to say, I never heard from him again and I ended up splitting the whole chocolate cake with the two old lady stoners. That’s the closest I ever came to doing drugs. My mom and her sister got high at our kitchen table and my date called them out on it.” I’m not sure if Rocky heard the last part or not because he was laughing so hard.

  “Damn, Violet. There’s a million ways that story could have gone, but I never would have seen that coming.”

  “It’s me we’re talking about! You really should have known it would end with me dateless. This is my typical outcome with guys. Why do you think I’m in such awe that you’re with me? I’m a loser!”

  “You’re not a loser. Not by a long shot!”

  A car approached us from a distance and Rocky started to sneak down into the ditch to avoid being seen. The headlights flashed at us three times in some sort of signal to let Rocky know it was Dmitry who was driving. He pulled over to us and we jumped in the car.

  “Turn up the heat. Neither one of us is dressed for a three mile walk home,” Rocky grumbled as he got in the front seat and made sure I was comfortable in the back.

  “Do you want to tell me what the fuck happened? Sergio sounded like a scared little girl on the phone. He was stammering so fast that I could hardly understand him.”

  “We were all in the car on the way back and Dante chose that moment to pull out a vial of coke right in front of Violet. I honestly think the dumb fuck was going to snort it right then and there.”

  “They all know you have no tolerance for that. Why would he be that dumb?” Dmitry asked.

  “I told him to put it away and he didn’t. He even went so far as to tell me that I wasn’t the boss of him. I made Sergio pull over and I had Violet get out of the car. I’ll walk home before I’ll expose her to that. She’s already seen way too much as it is. So Dante, that little prick, he follows me out of the car and starts yelling how I got soft and I’m gonna lose the fight and I’m different now. That I’m a fucking jerk off who only thinks of pussy and not my friends.”

  “What did you do?”

  “What do you think I did? I popped him in the face twice and knocked him on his ass. Carmine picked him up and told me that he’d call me to discuss that later. He can go fuck himself too. I’m done with their bullshit. I got enough problems on my hands without them giving me more. I’m gonna fight Alexei, everyone can get the hell out of Pineville, and life can go back to normal. If one more thing gets dumped on my lap, I’m going to lose my shit,” Rocky snarled.

  “How are you doing back there?” Dmitry asked me. “It’s scary when you’re quiet.”

  “I’m fine. I guess I don’t understand why everyone thinks I’m so bad,” I admitted.

  “Who’s ‘everyone’ and what are you talking about?” Rocky asked.

  “Dante thinks you’ve changed. He got mad before at the bar and said Dmitry should have pulled a gun on me. I don’t think I said anything that bad. I guess I just consider myself part of the group, but maybe he thinks my joking around is disrespectful?”

  Roc
ky explained, “Some of those guys still live in 1950 where they think the girl should be seen and not heard and just spread her legs when they snap their fingers. That’s fucking boring. If I wanted to fuck a lifeless girl with no personality, then I’d get a blow up doll and save myself a lot of trouble. No offense, Violet.”

  Before I could argue how many ways that sentence was indeed offensive, Dmitry chimed in with his opinion. “Yeah, I agree with Rocky. You want a girl who’s feisty. Who’ll keep you on your toes and make you work for it. When there’s no back-and- forth and she doesn’t have a mind of her own….it puts me to sleep.”

  “Do you know who Dmitry likes?” Rocky turned around and asked me. “I’ll bet you’d never guess.

  “Shut the fuck up, Rocky. I mean it!” Dmitry demanded, furiously.

  “Natalia!” Rocky spilled before Dmitry could stop him.

  “No WAY!” I said at the same time Dmitry yelled, “You mother-fucker!”

  Rocky nodded his head and prodded, “What do you think, Violet?”

  “Well, I did NOT see that coming. But I could definitely picture them as a couple. I mean Natalia is killer hot. I mean like literally. She looks like an assassin. And her snow queen outfit today….hell, that got me wet. I really like her hair. She just looks dangerous. It didn’t hurt to see her going at it with Irina, either. All those fists flying and boobs bouncing—“

  “All right, that’s enough!” Dmitry managed to get out in a slightly strangled voice.

  I ignored his plea and kept talking. “From what you’ve said, Dmitry, you’re pretty bad-ass yourself. Why can’t you get on that shit? Tell her you like her and then show her who the boss is. Maybe she’s alone because she can’t find anyone who can match her in the danger department. I can’t even imagine how she’d be in bed. You wouldn’t know if she’d make you breakfast the next morning or stab you in the throat. Wild.”

  Rocky explained the circumstances to me. “Natalia already shot him down. He’s Russian and she’s Ukrainian and she thinks he’s beneath her. She also has no need to be the center of attention all the time, so she doesn’t throw sex around the way Ursula does. Natalia gets off more from violence than from anything else, anyway. The first night she met Dmitry, he showed an interest in her. She ignored him but later asked around to find out who he was. She realized he wasn’t rich and she couldn’t use him for anything, so she walked away from it. She likes to taunt him about his crush on her, pretty much any chance she gets.”