My Dirty Detour: An Alpha Male Mafia Comedy Romance

by Grace Risata

  He saw right through my bullshit. “You speak very eloquently, Violet. Would you care to put that in more casual terminology?”

  I took a deep breath and revised my story. “As you wish, sir. Ursula told me I look like a pansy loser so I called her a cunt. She spit on me and wanted me to fight her, but I really am a giant sissy wimp, so now Rocky has to fight in my place. Carmine just doesn’t like my tendency to tell it like it is, and he thinks I should shut up unless I’m kissing his ass. With all due respect, that’s not how I roll, sir.”

  Angelo smiled and turned to Rocky. “Certainly feisty, isn’t she?”

  “I don’t care what you think of her. I don’t need your approval. I don’t need anything from you. The day I left New York was the day you lost control of me,” Rocky said with disgust.

  “Where is this anger coming from, Rocky? Did I not take you in when you needed guidance? Have I not fed you, put clothes on your back, given you a job, made sure you were raised right, and kept you out of trouble?” Angelo asked.

  “My grandfather could have done all that just as well. My anger comes from the fact that you forced me to be with Ursula, knowing what kind of person she was. You knew it would never work, and I begged you to get me out of it but you refused. My life was a living hell with her. As for keeping me out of trouble and giving me a job….that job caused me more suffering than it was worth. You turned me into a vicious monster. All I know how to do is fight and hurt people. Now it’s all blowing up in my face. Thank you for nothing.”

  Holy shit. I had no idea where that all came from. This was getting really uncomfortable. I looked around to gauge the reaction of everyone else. Dmitry was staring straight ahead, unaffected. Sergio was frowning at the sudden resentment his friend expressed.

  Rocky wasn’t done yet. “If it wasn’t for Sergio, I would have left a long time ago. I promised his mother that I would keep an eye on him and make sure he was safe. I only regret that I couldn’t have done the same with her other son.” Oh shit. He meant Luigi. This was not going to be good. Not at all.

  Angelo’s face did not betray any emotion he might have felt. He simply said, “I see.”

  Sergio pulled Rocky aside and they began a heated conversation that was difficult to make out, due to their hushed tones. It did not appear to be a happy discussion. I turned to Dmitry and gave him a look that I hope conveyed, “What do we do? I did not see this coming!” He shrugged his shoulders and dared a glance over at Rocky.

  Rocky made a hand gesture to Dmitry, who then turned and went back in the building. Probably to get a safe distance away from the gunfire once Angelo got fed up with Rocky for insulting him.

  That left me standing there like a moron, staring at Angelo. I feel the need to fill uncomfortable silences with small talk. “So….New York is a very nice town, huh? I was there once on my birthday. The pizza is really good. The Statue of Liberty was not as big as I thought it would be.” I cleared my throat and looked around, ready for the pavement to open up and swallow me at any moment. It would be a welcome diversion.

  “Do you know why he’s so angry, Violet?” Angelo asked me.

  “It’s been a rough few days, sir. He’s had a lot of drama dumped in his lap. I guess he reached his breaking point. I’m not sure why he’s directing it at you though.”

  “That was actually a rhetorical question. I already know why he’s so full of rage. I haven’t seen him face to face since he left New York. It’s been two and a half years. He blames me for Luigi’s death. He blames himself, too. He has a lot of guilt in his soul. It eats away at him. He never learned that one needs to be ruthless in this line of work,” Angelo explained.

  Well, it WAS Angelo’s fault that Luigi was dead. He ordered the hit on him, after all. I was not going to say that, though. I wanted to live. I also didn’t want Angelo elaborating on what exactly his “line of work” was. The more I knew, the less of a chance I had to walk away from this alive. I knew how it worked. It was never beneficial to know too much. So I simply nodded my head and changed the subject.

  “I know Sergio is happy to see you, sir. He missed you. It’s been hard on him to be here with no family. He’s really a good person and I think very highly of him. You should be proud of him.” It was true. I wasn’t just blowing smoke up his ass. Sergio was a good friend to Rocky and their loyalty to each other was commendable.

  Angelo did not share my opinion of his son. “I should be proud of Sergio? Well, I’m not. He hasn’t done one damn thing his entire life except fuck anything that walks, pardon my language. He hasn’t taken the time to learn the family business. He’s lazy. He’s his mother’s son, lacking the determination to follow in my footsteps. Rocky was the one I had high hopes for. He came to me with nothing and I made sure he learned all he needed to know. I taught him the skills to survive in this world. I was hard on him because I knew he could handle it. He was my protégé. It cost me dearly when he left. I want him back, Violet. I want him to return to New York. I’m hoping he’ll get a taste of blood lust after he fights Alexei. His rightful place is with the family.”

  “What about Carmine?” I probably shouldn’t have said that. I should not be encouraging this psychopath, but it was the obvious question to ask.

  “Carmine is my natural successor, of course. This line is work is dangerous though. It’s always wise to have a back-up plan,” Angelo said while sadly shaking his head.

  I nodded, having no clue why he was telling me all this. It really felt like the part of the movie where the villain gives a speech to the hero and confesses his evil plot. The only thing missing was the “You’ll never stop me now!” It’s never a good move. That’s when the hero keeps the villain talking so he can untie himself or wait for the good guys to swoop in and rescue him.

  “You are no doubt aware that I am a very powerful man, Violet. If you would offer me your assistance, then I would make sure you’re taken care of for the rest of your life. Any want or need would immediately be met. That means total financial security for you and your family,” Angelo offered.

  This was getting worse and worse by the second. I had no idea what assistance he needed from me, but I was damn sure I was not going to like it. I had a feeling it would not be a small favor. Angelo Barsotti wasn’t going to ask me to pick up his dry cleaning next time I was in the neighborhood. Nope. This would be big. I had to think of a way out of this.

  “You mean that we would never have money problems ever again?”

  “I don’t believe that you or your mother currently have any substantial debt. I’m offering you a lifestyle that would include every luxury you ever imagined,” he promised.

  Great. He did a background check. He knows it’s just my mom and I, and he knows that I have no financial problems. That’s perfect. What else does he know? Now I’m really freaked out. I have no choice but to play along and see what he wants.

  “What can I do for you, sir? What do you require of me?” I asked innocently.

  “I want Rocky to come back to New York. I don’t know if you’re going to be an obstacle to me getting him there. If he won’t come on his own, you’re going to have to come with him. If he does come on his own, you’re going to have to tell him goodbye and let him leave without a fight. Will you do that, Violet?”

  “Sir, I’m going to be honest with you.” There was no point in lying anyway, I’m sure he could see right through it. “I’ve barely known Rocky more than a few weeks. I don’t want to quit my job and leave my friends and family behind to go to New York.” All of this was true. “If he wants to leave, I won’t ask him to stay for me.” This is true too. I wouldn’t ASK Rocky to stay. I’d beg, plead, and wrap myself around his legs so he couldn’t go anywhere. I had no intention of doing a single fucking thing that Angelo Barsotti asked of me. It was clear he was a psychopathic super villain bent on world domination. Or a murderer who was a total asshole. Same difference.

  “And if he doesn’t want to leave?” Angelo asked.

 
; “Well….we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. I’m sure something can be arranged.” That sounded agreeable without actually agreeing. Now I had to find a way to get Rocky alone and get us out of this mess. How I longed for the good old days when I only had to worry about conniving bitches spitting on me. That seemed like a walk in the park after this new development.

  I looked over at Rocky, who was returning with Sergio. Their little spat must have ended. I wanted out of this situation and I wanted out NOW.

  “Rocky,” I said while looking at my watch, “I’m getting hungry. Maybe we should go out for a big breakfast so you have a decent meal before the fight later. For some reason I have a strong craving for watermelon.” I looked at him pointedly, hoping he’d get the reference to my safe word.

  Thankfully he did. “Yeah, baby, I’m getting hungry, too. Let’s go.” He grabbed my hand and turned to Angelo. “We’ll talk later.”

  “Yes,” Angelo agreed, “we certainly will.”

  “We should bring Dmitry with us. Let Sergio have some alone time with his dad. I’m sure they have some catching up to do,” I said, barely managing a smile. I made sure to squeeze Rocky’s hand, hoping that conveyed some sort of urgency. I just wanted to get the hell out of there and away from Sergio’s dad.

  Rocky turned and led me back into the brewery. Dmitry was sitting in the entryway talking to Vasily. They paused when we came in.

  “Maybe Vasily can stay here and watch the place while we take Dmitry to get breakfast. Can we do that, Rocky? Please? Right now?” I asked, my voice noticeably shaky.

  Rocky stared at me, trying to assess the situation. He nodded his head and said, “We all go together. I’m not leaving Vasily here.”

  “Can we take separate cars then? Vasily can go right home to Irina and we can go eat? Please? Right now?” I begged.

  “Fine. We leave through the back door. Let’s go. Can you tell me now, Violet?” Rocky asked.

  I shook my head and made a quick glance back to the front door. I didn’t see anyone directly in front of the door outside, but I wasn’t taking any chances. I slowly shook my head “no” again.

  Vasily took his car home, while Dmitry, Rocky, and I got into Dmitry’s SUV. The men were in the front seat, while I rode in the back.

  “Ok, we’re alone. What the fuck is going on?” Rocky demanded.

  “Are we sure this SUV is safe? There’s no listening devices, bugs planted anywhere?” I asked.

  “No, Violet,” Dmitry answered. “What’s gotten into you? Why are you so paranoid all of a sudden?”

  “We’re in deep shit, that’s why! Everyone is Sergio’s family is a fucking psychopath!” I stammered. I turned to Rocky and explained, “While you were having your little chat with Sergio, his dad got all super-villain on me and demanded my cooperation with a little problem he’s having. Evidently he thinks Sergio is a raging fuck-up, and his real protégé is none other than one Rocky Duncan. He told me that he wanted you back in New York after this fight with Alexei was over. He was hoping you’d get a taste of blood lust and go back to being his muscle again. He asked me nicely for my assistance with getting you back. He made it clear that if I helped, I would be financially set for life. I was quite agreeable because I didn’t know what the consequences would be if I didn’t help, and I had no desire to find out. He specifically said he would take care of me and my mom, even though we had no current money problems. He would only know that if he looked into my background. What the hell do we do? I’m freaking out over here! We’re fucked. I’m dead. It’s over. If Alexei doesn’t kill you then Mr. Barsotti is going to drag you back to New York and either force me come with or kill me if I stand in your way. WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!” I started to mildly hyperventilate. “I can’t breathe! I can’t even breathe anymore!” I yelled, gasping for air.

  Rocky looked at Dmitry and raised his eye brow. Dmitry shrugged and shook his head as if to say, “You’re the one banging her dude, she’s not my problem.”

  Rocky put his hand on my knee and said, “It would be easier to breathe if you quit yelling and took small normal breaths instead of giant gasping ones. You’re not drowning. There’s perfectly good oxygen in the car. Calm down and try to make sure some of it gets to your lungs, ok?”

  “Why aren’t you two FREAKING out?” I asked in irritation.

  “Because I didn’t get as far as I did by overreacting all the time. Sometimes it’s best to clear your head and think things through,” Rocky advised.

  “How am I overreacting? The mob boss of New York just personally sort of threatened me if I didn’t do what he said!” Why were they so calm? I was going from anxiety level ten to anger level four.

  “I’ve learned that it pays to be prepared for anything,” Rocky told me. “You have to be one step ahead of your adversary at all times. Get certain people on your good side and always pay attention to what’s going on around you.”

  “Ok, Zen master of the universe. Would you care to explain exactly what you’re talking about?” I just reached anger level six.

  “Angelo did a back ground check on you because he’s thorough. He wanted to find out if you were a threat or not, to see if you had the potential to cause problems for the family. He didn’t find evidence that would lead him to believe you’re anything other than a small town girl who’ll jump at the first offer of real money that comes her way. He assumes you live frugally because you have no other option. Most people shop at thrift stores by necessity, not by choice. As for the part about you coming to New York….you don’t have to worry about that.” Rocky hesitated before adding, “Please don’t take this the wrong way, Violet, but what I’m about to say is going to hurt your feelings. There’s no way around it.”

  “What?” I asked. I’m sure I didn’t want to know.

  “Angelo would never really approve of you moving to New York. He only views you as a quick fuck. A diversion to keep me occupied while I’m here and nothing more. In his mind, you don’t dress the right way, you don’t act the right way, and you have no appreciation for the finer things in life. You can’t tell the difference between expensive champagne and a four dollar bottle of cheap shit. Those people are all about appearances and having the best of everything.”

  “I’m not like that! I don’t care about material things. He’s evil!” I said. I’m at anger level ten here. This is bullshit. How dare he underestimate me? He doesn’t know me at all. I slumped down in the back seat and started picking at the hem of my shirt. Ok. Maybe anger level ten was a total exaggeration. It was embarrassment level of a hundred.

  “What did you tell Angelo?” Dmitry asked me.

  “I didn’t dare argue with him. He’s intimidating in a way that Carmine isn’t. I’m truly afraid of Angelo. I didn’t want him to catch me in a lie so I was honest. I told him that I’ve only known Rocky for a few weeks and I didn’t want to leave my friends and family to go to New York. I told him that I wouldn’t ask Rocky to stay here.”

  “You wouldn’t? You would just let me go?” Rocky asked.

  “I wouldn’t ask you to stay. That’s the truth. There would be no asking. There would be me tying you to the bed and refusing to let you leave. Unless you wanted to go. Then I couldn’t stop you. If it was what you really, truly wanted,” I clarified, hoping that’s not at all what he really wanted.

  “Hmm….I like that part about tying me to the bed,” Rocky contemplated. He reached back and stroked my cheek with his finger. “Don’t for one second think I’m going anywhere. Do you understand me? They’ll have to drag me away from you, kicking and screaming. I’d find my way back to you, no matter what it took. I’m not leaving this town. I’m not leaving my brewery. And most of all, I’m not leaving you. You’re stuck with me,” Rocky reassured me.

  “Are you two fucking serious? If this gets any more sickeningly sweet, I’m going to throw up in my mouth. I like YOU more. No, that’s not possible because I like YOU more. Kissy, kissy gag, gag,” Dmitry mocked while making a
retching noise.

  I laughed. He totally had a point.

  “Fine. To summarize, Angelo is evil, he thinks I’m a small town loser who can be bought, and he thinks I’m on his side. What’s the next step?” I asked. “And why did you say those mean things to him, Rocky?”

  “This is the part that’s going to get me in trouble. I knew Angelo had the background check ordered on you, Violet. I’m very good friends with the computer guy who does the job when Angelo is digging for dirt on people. I knew it would pay to have the guy on my side one day, so I made sure a certain monetary debt of his got erased and he’s owed me for it ever since. He let me know that Angelo told him to dig deeper and not do the usual financial/criminal history check on you. Angelo wanted your whole life on paper. I’m talking about what charges were on your credit card bill last month and what your test scores were in third grade. Let’s just say that Angelo didn’t get an accurate report. Yes, it’s just you and your mom, but she’s a retired teacher living in Florida. Angelo would only require a more in-depth report if he wanted something from you and needed to know what methods he could use to get it. I needed to figure out what that was. I knew he wouldn’t make his offer if I was within earshot. That’s why I said those things. I was trying to get Sergio pissed at me so he’d pull me aside and Angelo would have a chance to talk to you. That’s also why Dmitry went into the building. Now that we know what Angelo wants, we move forward,” Rocky explained.

  “Why didn’t you tell me that Angelo ordered a background check on me?” I asked, stunned that he would keep that from me.

  “I didn’t want you to get upset, exactly like you are now.”

  “What other things aren’t you telling me?” I demanded.

  “That’s the only thing. I promise. Look at me. I’m being honest with you,” Rocky admitted, staring me right in the eyes. I had no idea what a truth face or a lie face looked like, so it really gave me no comfort. I only knew that he was my only hope to get out of this mess, and if there really were other things that he wasn’t telling me, chances were pretty good that I didn’t want to know anyway. I thought about the situation for a little longer and a question came into my head.