My Dirty Detour: An Alpha Male Mafia Comedy Romance

by Grace Risata

  “How did Dmitry know to leave us alone and go into the building?” I asked.

  “He gave me the signal,” Dmitry stated, as though the answer was obvious.

  “Huh?”

  “Before he stalked off with Sergio, he made a hand gesture that meant for me to go in the building. When you’ve worked together as long as we have, you develop a code of sorts.”

  “Do you have code WORDS?” I asked.

  “Yes,” Dmitry replied. “For example, ‘limp dick’ is the code we use when talking about Sergio.”

  “It is NOT!” I exclaimed at the same time that Rocky put his head in his hands.

  “Maybe it’s not, but it should be. As a matter of fact, I think I’ll start using that right now,” Dmitry replied.

  “Well you can add ‘Violet-y’ to your code words. My best friend Stella coined that term to use for someone who has a freaky panic episode.”

  “Ah, I like this friend of yours. I will definitely add that to my vocabulary. Thank you,” Dmitry said, committing his new word to memory.

  “Can we go get food? I have an important fight this afternoon and I don’t want to go on an empty stomach,” Rocky complained, clearly tiring of this conversation.

  “Of course,” Dmitry agreed. “I wouldn’t want you to be hungry before your fight and get all irritated and Violet-y.”

  “That’s NOT even used in the right context, Dmitry, you dumb ass! If you can’t use it the right way, then don’t even bother!” I scolded him. I turned to Rocky and added, “We shouldn’t even be joking around when such serious shit is going on. You should have given me a signal to not freak out when Angelo was talking to me. I can’t believe you knew what he was up to all along and you still let me panic.”

  “Maybe you need to realize that I have my shit together and I know what I’m doing. You need to relax and have some faith in me. You don’t have to be in control all the time. Let me take care of things once in a while, ok?” Rocky lectured.

  “I have issues when I’m not in charge. I like to be bossy. It’s in my nature,” I said.

  “So I’ve noticed,” he replied.

  I slumped back in my seat. This day sucked already and I hadn’t even eaten breakfast yet. That had to be a new record.

  ------------------------------------

  We ended up going to the same diner where Sergio flirted with the waitress on AK-47 night. Oh, how times had changed since then. The good old days. A week and a half ago.

  I pondered how life had taken such a dramatic turn while I pushed my syrup-soaked French toast around my plate. I had eaten half of it but I couldn’t finish the rest. It tasted okay, I just had too much going on. Rocky and Dmitry had no such issues. They were both chowing down on the exact same breakfast of steak and eggs. I stared out the window, feeling hopeless and helpless. Not a good combination.

  Rocky elbowed me and asked, “What’s wrong now? You aren’t talking or eating. That means you’re dead.”

  I sighed. “I was just thinking back to happier times. Before everything turned into a shit show. Now my life is a soap opera and it’s starting to piss me off. I’m trying really hard not to complain, because I know you have a lot going on already. If all this doesn’t end after the fight,” I flailed my arms dramatically, “I swear I’m going to go nuts and just start shanking people.”

  “You don’t have a shank and I’m pretty sure that’s mostly done in prison,” Dmitry said, helpfully pointing out my errors.

  “You don’t know what I have. Leave me alone.” I went back to pushing my soggy food around while I thought of pocketing my fork, lest I need it later. It looked sharp. That could be my shank. Ok, I was now officially going off the deep end.

  They finished eating and we walked back out to the vehicle. I reluctantly left my fork in the restaurant. “What happens now?” I asked.

  “We go back to the brewery and get ready for the fight,” Rocky answered. Yippee.

  ----------------------------------

  We arrived back at Grim Rocky to find Sergio already there waiting for us.

  “Thanks for leaving and getting breakfast without me,” Sergio complained. “What’s up with that?”

  “You needed alone time with Angelo,” Rocky told him. “What did you talk about?”

  “How much of a dick you were to him. He’s right, you know. We don’t belong here. We don’t fit in. This town is too small for us. He wants us to go back to New York with him once the fight is over,” Sergio said. He looked at me and added, “Of course you’re welcome to come with us Violet.” Yeah, my ass. I don’t see Angelo rolling out the red carpet for my arrival anytime soon. I meekly smiled and nodded my head. I knew better.

  “Let’s get this fight over with, and then we can all sit down and talk, ok?” Rocky said in an attempt to placate Sergio. “I’m going to change and then we can leave.”

  Sergio must not have been talking with his father very long, because I noticed he had time to go home, shower, and change. He was currently dressed in dark blue jeans, a white T shirt and a leather jacket. Dmitry was still in yesterday’s clothes, having had no time to change.

  I sat on the couch and waited. “Where are Vasily and Irina?” I asked. Maybe it would help me to talk to Irina. She knew this crazy lifestyle better than I did. Maybe she could offer some words of advice.

  “They’ll meet us at my property where the fight will take place,” Dmitry informed me.

  I nodded my head and remained silent. Everything about today just felt so wrong.

  Rocky eventually came out, dressed and ready to go. He was wearing loose navy blue boxing shorts, a black t-shirt, and running shoes.

  “Shouldn’t you wear something heavier? I mean combat boots to kick him with? Or jeans to cover your legs?” I asked.

  “Clearly you’ve never been to a real fight before. You dress for maximum movement. You can’t move as easily in heavy jeans. Forget fast footwork in combat boots, too. It’s all about ease of motion,” Dmitry explained, teaching me yet another lesson about fighting.

  “Let’s just get this over with. We can still run if you want,” I offered, hoping Rocky would agree that sounded like a great idea right about now.

  “Nope. I’m ready to fight. Let’s go.”

  The four of us took the long walk to Dmitry’s SUV and piled in. I sat in back with Rocky. I had to fight the urge to jump out of the vehicle and start running down the road. Unfortunately, I knew that was not an option. I couldn’t be a coward today.

  We rode in silence. I was unable to sit still, constantly tapping my foot up and down. I had to wipe the palms of my hands on my jeans because they were so sweaty from anxiety. I tried to take deep breaths because I could feel another panic attack ready to come out in full force.

  I was grateful when Rocky finally spoke. “So let’s review the plan. What’s the main priority today?”

  Sergio answered, “To keep you alive.”

  Dmitry said, “To keep Violet safe.”

  Rocky replied, “Yes, keep her safe at all costs. If anything goes wrong, I want her out of there immediately. I’m trusting you to make sure that happens.”

  “No,” I argued, “fuck that. We’ll go with Sergio’s answer. The number one thing we have to do today is to make sure that Rocky doesn’t die.”

  As we got closer to Dmitry’s property, I started to really freak out in earnest. I turned to Rocky and begged him, “Please, just listen to me and let this sink in. You made me promise to behave today and don’t talk to anyone and keep a low profile. I give you my word that I’ll do that. In return I want something from you. I want you to focus all your energy on this fight and do whatever it takes to STAY ALIVE. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine. These two will keep an eye on me. I’m not going to do anything dumb to draw attention to myself. I just want you to concentrate on the fight. Don’t think about me being scared of you if you have to hurt him, don’t think about what you had for breakfast, don’t look for me in the crowd. All you
r energy goes toward getting this over with, walking out of that field in one piece, and coming back to me. If you have to kill him to win, then do it. I won’t think less of you. I know what the stakes are. That’s why I’m freaking out. Do not die. Don’t go toward the light. Go toward the happy ending with Violet, ok?”

  “Thank you. I will do whatever it takes to make it back to you,” Rocky said before planting a giant kiss on my lips. It was bittersweet. I couldn’t enjoy it. I was too upset.

  We arrived at our destination and parked in a field already littered with vehicles. If I had to guess, I’d say that not one of them was worth less than twenty grand. I’m sure all the high rollers were flying in for this fight.

  Rocky held my hand and we marched through the grass toward an uncertain destiny. Dmitry and Sergio were on either side of us. It was truly beautiful outside with blue sky, white puffy clouds, and a bright sun shining down on us. It was annoying me. I wanted the weather to reflect my mood: overcast, gray, drizzling, and maybe some thunder thrown in for maximum effect. It was hard to believe I was about to witness the epic fight of the decade with the birds chirping and little butterflies whizzing past me. I expected the forest creatures to burst into song like they tend to do in cartoon movies. That would really piss me off. I was in more of a mood for the evil flying monkeys to land and take us to the wicked witch. Now THAT would have been awesome.

  We reached the open area that had been cleared out for the fight. The fight zone was probably one acre in size. Someone had taken the time to set up bleachers on either side of an area covered in dirt. I’d say the dirt square was probably sixteen feet long by sixteen feet wide. I wondered why it was dirt and not grass. It had been carefully tilled and looked pretty smooth. You’d have thought they were planting corn instead of fighting on it. Strange.

  “Are they going to mud wrestle or what? What’s with the dirt?” I asked in confusion.

  “They’re supposed to stay in the dirt area. If the fight moves outside the dirt area, then other people have a tendency to jump in. When that happens, it turns into an all-out brawl. The whole point is to keep the fight limited to the two participants and no one else,” Dmitry explained.

  As we got closer, I counted the people in the crowd. I came up with about fifty people. I thought there would be more. I wasn’t the only one confused.

  “Where are all the Russians? The only people here are my family,” Sergio said, looking around in surprise.

  “They like to make a grand entrance,” Dmitry reasoned.

  Speaking of making an entrance, Irina and Vasily broke through the crowd to greet us. Irina’s outfit would have made a nun blush. She had low cut, skin tight black leather pants, four inch tall black high heels, and a form-fitting black leather jacket that was super short. I should probably call it a top instead of a jacket, because she had nothing on underneath except a black bra. Her nails were painted blood red and her hair was up in a high ponytail. It looked very chic. Her make-up was done to perfection as well.

  “Why are you dressed like slayer Barbie?” I asked her.

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about. My hair is in a ponytail so I can tie it up quickly if I have to fight. I have diamond studs for earrings, so there are no hoops for someone to pull out when I have to fight. I have high heels so I can jab them in Natalia’s eyes,” she explained. Wow. She went from ‘if I have to fight’ to ‘so I can jab Natalia.’ I’m guessing she has a target in mind, should a fight occur.

  “Am I dressed okay?” I asked her, certain that I was not going to get her approval.

  She looked me over and shrugged her shoulders. “Well, it’s good enough. Your jeans and shirt are tight, to show off what you have. Your shoes are boring, but they’ll work if you have to run in them. You don’t have enough make-up or jewelry and your hair is too curly again. It’s okay for you. No one expects too much at this point.” Gee thanks. I’m glad there are low expectations of me.

  Aside from noticing her wild outfit, I also saw that Irina and Vasily entered the field from the opposite direction in which we arrived. I was surprised there were two main roads that led to Dmitry’s property. It turns out there were not.

  Vasily threw a set of keys to Dmitry and said, “It’s all set. No worries.”

  I leaned over to Irina and asked, “What’s he talking about?”

  “His SUV is hidden in the woods about fifteen feet away from that tree,” she whispered while pointed to the forest, but I could see nothing. “If anything goes wrong, we run for the vehicle and make our escape.” What the hell was with all this last minute stuff that no one was telling me about until now? Hidden getaway cars, conniving mafia bosses doing secret background checks on me, and a fancy fight arena set up in the middle of a field. What the fuck?

  Rocky kissed me on the cheek and walked away with Sergio before I could protest his absence. Dmitry kept me from following and explained, “He has to greet the people who came out here to support him. He’s fighting as a representative of the Italians. It’s considered rude to act any other way. Protocol must be followed.”

  Vasily, Irina, and Dmitry stayed by my side, presumably to guard me from any threats. I wanted to be the one who was the guard instead of the wimp who needed protecting. It was embarrassing.

  I scanned the crowd while I waited impatiently. I saw a bunch of sharply dressed Italians that I didn’t recognize. “Do you know who any of these people are?” I asked.

  “I don’t know them all, but I’d bet that Dmitry does,” Irina answered, keeping one hand on Vasily’s shoulder to assert her claim to him, lest any of the Italian ladies might walk over and try to strike up a conversation.

  “Yes,” he confirmed, “I know them. Not all by name, but by face. They’re all Italian cock-suckers. That pretty much sums it up.”

  I did make out a few familiar faces in the crowd. Angelo, Carmine, Gypsy, Dante, and a few of Angelo’s thug bodyguards all marched over to greet us. Great. Just the welcoming committee I didn’t want. Dmitry was standing close to my left and I noticed him stand straighter and tense up. He clearly did the math and realized there was no way he was taking all of them down if they tried anything.

  I might as well plaster a fake smile on my face and get this over with.

  “Hello,” I said politely, reminding myself of my promise to keep a low profile.

  Angelo, being the boss of this whole group, was the one who replied. “Good afternoon, Violet. Lovely day isn’t it? How are you?” How the fuck do you think I am you sadistic prick?

  “I’m hanging in there, thanks for asking. All this violence is a bit unsettling. I mean I’m not used to it. I’m out of my element here.” Very honest, yet demure.

  Carmine called me out on my fakeness. “Goodness sakes, you’ve positively turned in a Southern Belle with that language, Violet. Whatever’s gotten into you? Are we having tea on the veranda later? My Heavens!” What a jackass. I was hoping Angelo would tell his son to knock it off, but I wasn’t so lucky. Dante grinned and leered at me.

  I narrowed my eyes at Carmine and gave the answer I was instructed to give. I simply said, “I don’t know” and shrugged my shoulders. I looked down at my feet and hated myself for not being able to give a cool answer.

  Angelo spoke to me directly, so I had to raise my eyes to look him in the face. “Violet, don’t worry about Rocky. He’s more than capable of handling himself. I already lost one son to the Russians, I will not lose another. If I thought he had no chance at success, I would not let him fight.”

  I managed to nod my head because, really….what else was I going to say? I wanted to say, “No, you should blame yourself for the loss of your son, not the Russians.”

  Thankfully Rocky and Sergio chose that moment to rejoin our little group. “Thank you for coming,” Rocky said tersely. “I can assure you that I won’t lose today.”

  Angelo clapped Rocky on the back and said, “I was just telling Violet that you’re like a son to me. If I didn’t know in my he
art that you could win, I would call this whole thing off.” Please, spare me. Angelo had a gleam in his eye that could only be excitement about the bloody battle that was about to take place.

  Rocky looked him in the eye and predicted, “Victory will be mine. I promise you that.”

  Before the conversation could get anymore impersonal, a pretty brunette walked up to speak with Rocky. I almost shit myself when I realized who she was. It was Maria. Maria from my beloved “Mafia Princesses” reality TV show. Maria who was Sergio’s cousin. Holy crap!

  “You’re on my DVR! I watch you on TV!” I blurted out before I could stop myself. I know, I know....lame, right? But I live in Pineville, USA. This is the middle of nowhere. I have never seen a celebrity up close and personal before. I suppose, in the grand scheme of things, Sergio’s dad is definitely more famous even though he’s not on TV. I immediately realized my faux pas and my hand shot up to cover my mouth before anything else poured out. I’m pretty sure that was absolutely the worst possible thing I could have said.

  Rocky visibly flinched and his neck vein started to bulge.

  Maria waved me away without even looking at me and barked, “No autographs” like she was the Queen of England. I was not worthy of her attention. However, someone else certainly was.

  “Hi Rocky,” she said sweetly. “I’m really looking forward to watching you kick Alexei’s ass. I heard you’re fighting because Ursula challenged your new lady friend. I’m sorry to hear that you might be off the market. You know you were always one of my favorites. Where is this new lady of yours?”

  He held his head high and pointed to me, the stupid oaf who just made a damn fool of herself. I smiled and waved at her, feeling my face turn five shades of red. This was like a hot flash on steroids. My cheeks were about to burst into flames.