My Dirty Detour: An Alpha Male Mafia Comedy Romance

by Grace Risata

  Maria finally took a good look at me, and she was clearly not impressed with what she saw. “Really? This one? The one who wants my autograph? With the red face? Really? Well, then I guess I still have a chance with you after all.”

  She took a step closer to me and said, “Maybe after Rocky comes to his senses and returns to New York, he can be on my show. That way you’ll still get to see him….on your DVR. Would you like that?” She burst out laughing at me.

  I gave her the only answer I was allowed to give. I gritted my teeth and said very slowly and angrily, “I don’t know.” I shrugged my shoulders and looked up at the sky. I know I was supposed to look down at the ground, but I wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction of me looking like a doormat. Anyway, maybe the Heavens would take pity on my and launch a lightning bolt down upon us. It didn’t matter if it hit her or me, either way it would end this conversation.

  Dante took it upon himself to add to my pain. “Don’t underestimate her, Maria. He must be with her for some reason. Maybe she has a magic….well, something about her must be magical. I’ll leave it at that.” He glared at Rocky, silently daring him to make a move.

  What was Rocky supposed to do? Get in a fight before the fight? Dante is the appetizer and Alexei is the main course? Not gonna happen. Dante knew it. That’s the only reason he cocked off like that.

  I would never in a million years have been able to predict what happened next. Irina stepped away from Vasily and wrapped her arm around my waist. “There’s definitely something magical about Violet,” she purred. “I can vouch for that.”

  She moved her hand down and grabbed my ass. Well, I’m not going to let her one-up me. Irina is on the very small list of people that I’m allowed to talk to. I’m playing this for all I can. I turned toward her and nuzzled her neck with my nose.

  “Thanks, doll,” I said, “you’re not so bad, yourself.”

  I licked the entire length of her neck and gave her a lingering kiss on the cheek. I turned to face the group, very satisfied with the looks on everyone’s faces. The boys, predictably, were staring with their mouths hanging open. Maria seemed unhappy at being the furthest possible thing from the center of attention.

  Irina whispered in my ear, low enough so that only I could hear, “Nice move, Violet. If you ever lick me again, I’ll kill you,” and then she giggled as though she had suggested something passionate instead of making a threat against my life.

  I smiled and nodded my head. “I won’t argue with that,” I said, loud enough for everyone to hear.

  “I hate to break up the party, but it looks like we have company. The Russians are here,” Gypsy said, alerting us to their arrival. That was the most I’d ever heard him speak at one time.

  I followed his gaze and saw the sizeable Russian delegation stomping through the grass, coming right at us. Their contingent seemed slightly greater in number. I tried to do a head count, but I came up with close to the same amount of people as the Italian contingent. Maybe there appeared to be more Russians because they were bigger in size.

  One of them stood almost a head taller than the rest. He reminded me of a giant. With a massive head on top of an equally oversized body, it was impossible to look away from him. He had dark hair styled into a one inch tall mohawk, but the rest of his head was shaved. A strong jawline stood out prominently due to the fact that he sported no facial hair. Thin lips, a wide nose, and eyes that were sunk back into his face made him completely unattractive. I looked lower and noticed his muscular chest was covered in a thick layer of dark hair. It was pretty obvious that this guy was no stranger to steroids. Those muscles of his could not have been natural. He was dressed only in boxing shorts, similar to the ones that Rocky wore. That could only mean one thing. This was Alexei.

  “No,” I whispered, shaking my head violently. “No. We have to go. This can’t happen. No. No, NO, NO!” I got louder with every “no” until Dmitry put his hand over my mouth and literally dragged me away from the group.

  “This is NOT the time to have a meltdown. You’re going to have to pull yourself together,” Dmitry demanded.

  I shook my head to imply that this was exactly the time to have a meltdown of epic proportions. Alexei was inhuman. He was a giant. He would kill Rocky. Not on my watch, he wasn’t. I pulled Dmitry’s hand away from my mouth so I could bitch at him. “What the fuck is the matter with you? How could you agree to let him fight knowing that Alexei was the size of a mountain? How can you call yourself his friend?” I snapped, appalled that this was actually happening.

  “I still think he can win. It’s not about how strong you are, it’s also about how smart you are. Alexei is a fucking idiot. Give it time and you’ll realize that. Trust me, Violet. You can NOT freak out now. It will reflect badly on Rocky’s judgement. It will make him look like a fool for being with a mental case.”

  “You mean worse than when I told Maria she was on my DVR?” I asked.

  “A hundred times worse than that. Can you calm down? Please?”

  I took a few deep breaths and nodded my head. I remembered my promise to Rocky not to draw attention to myself. He needed to focus on the fight, not on the putz he was dating that got him into this mess in the first place. If I had any combat skills, it would be me taking on Ursula today.

  “It should be me today, Dmitry. Not him. This is all my fault.”

  “No. Ursula is his problem, not yours. No man wants his girl to fight his battles for him,” Dmitry explained. He paused for a second before adding, “You can’t fight, but you did seem to have some talent with guns. If I give you a gun to protect yourself, do you promise you’ll be careful with it and only use it as a last resort? You can’t be defenseless around all these vultures. It’s not a good idea.”

  “Um….where am I going to put it?” I usually only hold a gun when I’m shooting it and then I put it away. I’ve never walked around with one for any length of time.

  He reached under his coat and pulled a gun out of a holster that was strapped to his chest. It was a nice little .22 caliber handgun. “I actually brought this with you in mind. I’m carrying something slightly bigger for myself. I have a 9 mm tucked away.”

  “Don’t shoot yourself in the ass,” I warned him.

  “Don’t worry, once was enough to last me a lifetime. If a fight breaks out and I’m anywhere near Leo today, I’m taking the opportunity for revenge. In case I have to kill anyone, make sure you don’t watch, ok?”

  “What the hell does that mean? Are you going to warn me to look away? How will I know what’s coming? Do you people realize who I am? I can’t handle ANY of this at all and you’re just dumping stuff on me one thing after another!”

  “You’re handling things just fine. We’re all impressed with your resilience,” Dmitry said, voice dripping with sarcasm. “If any sort of fight breaks out with anyone other than Rocky and Alexei, I want you to immediately RUN to the car that Vasily has hidden in the woods. Is that clear?”

  Dmitry handed me the car keys and the gun without waiting for my reply. I tucked the keys in my pocket but I held the gun out like it was a dead rat and I didn’t want to touch it.

  “Violet, you’re going to be glad you have the gun. Hold it correctly or I’m taking it back,” Dmitry warned.

  I sighed and took a closer look at the gun. I made sure the safety was on. It looked similar to one I’d used before. I released the clip to count how many bullets were in there. I also checked to make sure one was in the chamber. After checking for a second and third time that the safety was definitely on, I looked around for a safe place to put the gun.

  “Tuck it at your hip on the side that you’ll pull it from. Make sure your belt is tight and put it in between your belt and your jeans. Untuck your shirt and try to cover the gun with it. Make sure your arm stays at your side and try to camouflage the fact that you have a gun,” Dmitry advised. I did as he suggested and he nodded in approval. Once that was done, we re-joined the group to find Angelo speaking with
a tall, well-dressed Russian man.

  “That’s Ursula’s father, Mikhail,” Dmitry whispered. “If you’re afraid of Angelo, try dealing with him. He’s absolutely worse.” That’s lovely.

  Ursula’s father noticed our approach and warmly greeted Dmitry with a smile and a handshake. “Dmitry, I see trouble seems to follow you around. Even in such a small town you’re right in the middle of the action.”

  “Mikhail, you know I’d get bored if I didn’t have something going on. I crave adventure. What can I say, it’s in my blood.”

  Wow. If I didn’t know better, I’d think they were old besties. That’s odd. I looked around to see who else was with Ursula’s dad. I saw a handful of big thugs, but no one that I recognized.

  “There she is, the whole reason we’re here today,” I heard a voice call out from behind me. I’d know that voice anywhere. My good buddy, Ursula.

  I slowly turned around, forcing myself to take a deep breath and remain calm. Sure enough, Ursula was making her grand entrance alongside Leo and Natalia. Enrique and Eduardo were a safe distance behind them.

  I took a moment to examine the ladies. If I said I didn’t care what Ursula and Natalia were wearing, I’d be lying through my teeth. It had honestly become one of the highlights of my encounters with them. They didn’t disappoint. Natalia was dressed in a black outfit, eerily similar to Irina’s, as though they had called each other the night before to discuss what they were wearing. Natalia had the same tight black pants, but she had knee high black boots awash with silver buckles and chains. A black bustier with silver trim made her cleavage look like it was about to jump out every time she moved. She went a bit overboard on the makeup with black eye shadow, black lipstick and black nails. Yet no matter how extravagant she looked, she was still overshadowed by Ursula.

  As much as I hated that girl, I had to admit she had a talent for extreme outfits. She wore an obscenely short gold sequin cut-out mini dress that left nothing to the imagination. It might as well have been pieces of fabric that were sewn together by invisible thread. It covered her ass, her tits, and not much else. As usual, her shoes were fucking amazing. They were gold stilettos, but the heel was a snake that wrapped up to the front of the shoe. She was decked out in full gold jewelry from bracelets to rings to a giant serpent necklace. Her make-up was, of course, gold. Well, gold all over the eyes anyway. The lips were blood red. I seriously wondered how long it took her to get ready. She reminded me of a trashy Egyptian princess.

  “What are you staring at?” Ursula snapped at me.

  Finally! I could use my line somewhat appropriately. I broke into an evil grin and slowly gave her the once over. “I don’t know,” I said as I shrugged.

  “You’re obviously an idiot!” She yelled, clearly not knowing why I was smiling at her. She must have thought I was staring at a flaw in her outfit, because she looked down to see if something was out of place. Ha, ha. Sucker!

  “Enough!” Mikhail shouted. “We came for a fight and that’s what we’ll have. Where’s Alexei?”

  As if Alexei could possibly get lost in a crowd. He was talking to some people who had clustered around him and were asking him what his fight strategy was. He didn’t appear to have a care in the world. He heard his father yell for him and he joined our ever-growing group.

  I noticed movement out of the corner of my eye. I was extremely relieved to see that it was Rocky, who had edged up next to me while I was checking out Ursula.

  “You’re doing fine. Keep it up,” he whispered.

  I leaned in closer and whispered back, “I am not! I embarrassed you in front of Maria and had a panic attack when I saw Alexei.”

  “Just stay by Dmitry and don’t say anything. I’ll take care of the rest. Relax.”

  With Alexei’s arrival, the group seemed to have shuffled around. Mikhail, Alexei and the Russians were on one side, with Angelo, Rocky, and the Italians on the other. Alexei was now standing mere feet from me and he was even more intimidating up close.

  “Rocky, we meet again. Only this time I’m allowed to pulverize you. I’ve looked forward to this day ever since Ursula met you,” Alexei admitted, gleefully.

  “Alexei,” Rocky nodded at the giant, “this fight really has nothing to do with you. Being the gentleman that I am, I will give you the opportunity to walk away and no one gets hurt.” Yes! I like that idea. Let’s do that!

  Alexei erupted in laughter, which got louder as the other Russians joined in. “Afraid already? I haven’t even started yet. Usually my opponents give up after a few punches, but you show a new level of cowardice. I expected more from you, Rocky.”

  “I’m not backing out. I’m giving you one last chance. I recommend that you take it,” Rocky urged the man one last time, while the Italians exchanged looks of confusion.

  “I never pass up a fight. Especially not this one. I get to go head-to-head with the legendary Rocky and wipe the floor with him,” Alexei bragged loud enough for everyone to hear. He looked directly at Rocky and vowed, “I’m going to make you look like the pussy that you are, while all the arrogant little Italian pricks have a front row seat. This is happening. No one backs out.”

  “Fine, suit yourself,” Rocky replied.

  “After I kill you, maybe I’ll even do your bitch a favor and show her what it’s like to fuck a real man. How about that?” Alexei taunted as he grabbed his crotch.

  It took Dmitry, Sergio, and Gypsy to hold Rocky back, and even then they were having a hard time.

  Ursula laughed and said, “Have you looked at her, Alexei? She’s so fucking ugly, I don’t know how you’d even get it up.”

  Rocky stared straight at Alexei and promised, “You’ll pay for that. No mercy.”

  “Are we here to talk or are we here to watch two men beat the shit out of each other? Let’s get on with it. I don’t have all day,” Maria complained. Natalia shot her a dirty look in return. I wonder if this is going to turn into a giant rumble after the fight. The odds of that are getting greater by the minute.

  “Maria is right,” Angelo agreed. “We all came here for a reason. It’s time for a fight.”

  Rocky took off his shirt, handed it to me, and walked away without another word. I felt my heart break with each step that led him further away from me. He joined Angelo, Mikhail, and Alexei in the center of the arena. The group dispersed in order to secure the best viewing spots on the bleachers. Princess Ursula had to be front and center in the very first row. It was obvious that she called the shots on the Russian side.

  I stood between Dmitry and Sergio. We were safely away from the crowd, but close enough to have a decent view. Irina and Vasily were next to us.

  Sergio nudged me in the arm. “Violet, I have to ask you something and I need the truth, ok?” Sergio asked with a very serious expression.

  “What’s wrong now?” I was sure I couldn’t handle one more thing.

  “What did Irina say when she whispered in your ear? It’s making me crazy. I have to know.”

  “If you ask me one more stupid question like that, I’m going to shoot you in the foot,” I threatened.

  “What did I tell you about the gun? It’s only for emergencies,” Dmitry scolded.

  “You gave her a gun?” Sergio choked in surprise. “Rocky’s gonna kick your ass when he finds out.”

  “Then don’t tell him,” Dmitry responded, solving that problem.

  “Guys,” I said, “I have to ask you something, too. Promise me that if it looks like Alexei is going to kill him, you’ll step in and stop the fight? Please?”

  “No. We can’t do that. It will make him look weak and it’s not allowed. He fights til he can’t fight anymore. Those are the rules,” Dmitry explained without taking his eyes off the two men who were about to battle each other.

  Sergio looked at me and sadly shook his head. “Unfortunately he’s right, Violet. We can’t step in. Rocky wouldn’t want us to.”

  “He’d want me to watch him die?” I asked in disbelief.
r />   “He won’t die. He can’t,” Sergio insisted.

  A hush fell over the crowd as Mikhail signaled for silence. He acted as the announcer. “Ladies and Gentleman, welcome. Today we will bear witness to a showdown between Rocky and Alexei. As most fights go, it was started by a woman.” The crowd snickered. “The rules are as follows. Number one, stay inside the dirt at all times. Number two, fight until your opponent gives up or dies. Number three, no one else steps in to help either opponent or they will be shot.”

  What? They will be shot? Is he serious? No one laughed. What the fuck?

  Angelo stepped in to finish with a speech of his own. “This is a friendly bout between the families. No matter who wins, there will be no bad blood. No repercussions. No retaliation will be taken. The first person who retaliates will be shot. This will not cause a war between the families. If it does, we won’t stop until every last one of us is dead. May the best man win.”

  How is it a “friendly bout” when it’s fight to the death? And what is with all these threats of shootings?

  Angelo and Mikhail stepped away, leaving Rocky and Alexei to stare each other down.

  The two men circled each other. Rocky seemed faster on his feet, but Alexei was so much bigger. No matter what Dmitry claimed, it didn’t look like an even match at all. I was waiting for one of them to make the first move, and I didn’t have to wait very long.

  Alexei stepped closer to Rocky and threw a left hook at his head. Thankfully Rocky dodged out of the way and took that opportunity to throw a punch of his own. He landed a quick right jab and struck Alexei on the chin. I was excited Rocky got the first hit, until I noticed Alexei’s reaction. It didn’t even faze him. In fact, he laughed.

  “Is that the best you’ve got? What a fucking wimp!” Alexei mocked his opponent.

  The Russians yelled and taunted Rocky. Various shouts of “This will be over quick!” and “I’m not getting my money’s worth” could be heard.

  Not to be outdone, the Italians answered back with “Kill that asshole, Rocky!” and “Put the hurt on him!”