Lost in You

by Heidi McLaughlin

  I decide to wait on the bench by the tree… our tree. That seems silly, saying it’s our tree, but it’s where our first ever paparazzi picture was taken. Probably not something most people want to keep, but it meant something to me. I want Ryan in my life and he'll need to get used to those fleabags hanging around.

  “You shouldn’t sit out in the dark by yourself.” I turn and find Ryan leaning up against the tree, his hands stuffed into his pockets. He’s wearing a hoodie, his beautiful brunette hair hidden underneath the hood. I want to run and jump into his arms, but he doesn’t look like he wants that and it breaks my heart.

  “I wasn’t out here long.”

  Ryan adjusts, leaning his back against the tree. It looks like we're keeping our space.

  “Why me, Hadley?"

  CHAPTER 27

  Ryan

  I almost didn’t leave the house to meet her, but now that I’m standing here, looking at her, this is where I need to be. I’m not sure how this moment will end, either I’m walking away because I can’t take the way I feel about her being on tour with her ex, or she’ll show me that all my worries are for nothing. She could leave me. It’s an option that I refuse to consider. She could be tired of my immature crap and be here to tell me that she’s done. But why would she fly all this way when she could just text me. Keep it simple, with no emotions.

  I ask her the same question I asked before. This time I’ll be able to see her beautiful face when she tells me why she chose me. The logic behind us doesn’t make sense. I come from nothing. Destined to be nothing and yet she pursues me and tells me I can be anything I want. She forgets that my chances of getting out of Brookfield are limited and that she’s had opportunities people like me only dream about. Her parents have supported her from day one. Mine just expect me to brown-bag it to the mill once graduation comes. High hopes, my parents have.

  I’m fighting the urge to sit next to her. I know that once I do, I’m done for. She can say anything and I’ll believe her. Call it desperation or being whipped, I don’t care. I’m in love with her and being away from her physically hurts.

  I straighten when she stands. I’ve never seen her out of a dress. She’s always been made up and flawless, until now. She’s in yoga pants, tennis shoes and a zip up. Her hair is pulled back and she looks tired. I realize that I don’t care that she’s not in a dress. She’s perfect just the way she is. Seeing her like this, it makes me think she’s giving a part of herself to me that’s usually reserved for behind closed doors. Even when we spent the one night together in her hotel room, she was the Hadley Carter everyone knows and loves.

  But standing in front of me now is my Hadley.

  She doesn’t step any closer, keeping the gaping distance between us. Three large steps and I can have her in my arms. I move my hands from my pockets and place them between my back and the tree. I need to keep a level head and touching her will just cloud my mind.

  I can see now why guys don’t like to date. It’s complicated and messy, but it has to be worth it in the end, at least that’s what I’m hoping.

  “You asked this yesterday and I told you, but maybe that wasn’t enough, or maybe it’s something I shouldn’t say over the phone.” She’s closer now. I can see her tears trailing down her face and it makes me want to reach out and wipe them away. She looks up to the sky and smiles. She pulls the rubber band out of her hair and shakes her head. It’s raining and she’s basking in it.

  “You’ll catch a cold,” I say as if I’m her parent.

  “I don’t care.”

  “You won’t be able to sing.”

  “Good,” she says as she looks at me.

  I push my hood off as well, matching her. I step out from under the heavy cover of the tree and stand in front of her. Raindrops bounce off her eyelashes, making her look even more beautiful.

  “I’m in love with you, Ryan. What I feel for you, it’s different from anything I’ve ever felt before. From the moment I saw you, I knew I had to have you in my life. Whether we were just going to be friends or more, it didn’t matter because not knowing you wasn’t an option for me. That night after my show, you were sitting in the corner and all it took was one look and I felt this flood of heat and desire go through me, like I was on fire.

  “You ask why you, but I’m saying why not you. You have the most beautiful blue eyes I’ve ever seen. I could spend hours looking at them. I love how your cheeks turn just the right shade of pink when I touch you. I love the way your hands make me feel, even when it’s something as simple as holding my hand. I don’t care that you live in a rundown house or don’t drive a fancy car. None of that matters as long as I have you. You’re the one I want to be with. I don’t care about your clothes, your money, or some fancy house. I’d gladly give all that up just for you.

  “This past week has been torture for me, not being able to talk to you and when we do talk things are strained. I found out a lot of things this week, things that apparently I did and didn’t do. This is why Ian is being the way he is. I’m trying to figure things out, but I need for you to be patient and help me. I need to know that at the end of my shitty day, my boyfriend is on the other end of the phone listening to me vent and cry. I need you to love me for me and not who I am on the stage or in the papers. That person that you saw yesterday, that’s not the me you know. This me, the one standing in front of you, she doesn’t like Coleman Hollister and wouldn’t be caught dead with him. This me is dying inside thinking that her boyfriend doesn’t want her anymore. This me is so in love with Ryan Stone that nothing else matters.

  “Now tell me, Ryan, why not you?”

  I wasn’t expecting an answer like that. I guess I didn’t know what to expect. She looks at me, waiting for an answer. I shrug and step closer to her. “I’m plain and ordinary, Hadley. All I can offer you is me and I think that sometimes that’s not enough, especially when I see you in the arms of that guy. You bring out these crazy emotions that I don’t know anything about. I don’t know how to control them or make them stop. I’m never going to be the type that can support someone like you. This place, it’s not good enough for you and this is where I’m destined to be. My family expects me to wake up the day after graduation, put on some coveralls and go to the mill. You give me hope. You put these ideas into my head that I can get away from here and do something else, but what? I can’t go to college and the only thing I can do is flip burgers. Are you going to bring me home to your parents and say, ‘here’s my boyfriend, the burger flipper’?”

  “My parents won’t care as long as you make me happy. They live in the same house I grew up in. It’s a small three-bedroom home. My mom is a teacher and my dad is a banker, who takes the train to work, works long hours and falls asleep in his recliner at the end of the night. Anything you offer me is better than what I have now.”

  Hadley steps forward and into my arms. I hold her tight against my chest, burying my face into her neck. She’s wet, cold and shivering, but I am too. We aren’t too smart being out in the rain like this.

  “I didn’t like seeing those pictures,” I mumble against her skin. “It made me feel… I don’t know, like I needed to hit something and I’ve never felt like that before. I didn’t like that.”

  Hadley pulls back. She reaches up and moves my hair out of my face. “I don’t like him, not even in the slightest and I would never do anything to disrespect you.”

  “But you loved him at one time.”

  “I did, but he broke my heart in the worst way and I would never do that to someone I love.”

  I lean down and kiss her softly, which is too much for me to handle. I want so much from her, but not sure how to make that happen. I hate that I’m inexperienced and that everything I’m feeling is so foreign to me. I don’t know if what I’m doing is right. It’s times like this where I need my dad to be somewhat approachable. I know discussing girls with him is off-limits and he’d ban Dylan from coming over. I need someone to talk to, though. Maybe Dylan, she knows
how I feel about Hadley and I know she’s done things with guys before.

  I kiss her again before pulling away. She looks like a beautiful drowned rat. Her hair is plastered to her face and her nose is red. I want to wrap her up in my blankets and keep her warm, but that’s not an option. I pull her hand into mine and walk us to her car. I reach for the driver-side door, but she side steps and opens the back door and crawls in. I don’t hesitate and follow her, shutting the door behind me.

  She climbs forward and turns on the car, blasting the heat. I can’t believe she left her keys in the ignition.

  “That’s not safe, you know.”

  “I wasn’t thinking,” she replies as she sits back. She’s pulled her bag from the front seat and unzips it, pulling out some dry clothes. “Can you turn around?”

  “No,” I say. I adjust so I can watch her. She looks at me through squinted eyes. I should feel like a shit for denying her, but I want to see her. I can’t help it. She looks down at the shirt in her hand and back at me.

  “You should take off your sweatshirt before you catch a cold.”

  I nod and pull my wet sweatshirt over my head. I push my hair out of my face and stare at her. Her mouth drops open. I chuckle. She probably didn’t think I’d be shirtless, but she texted me when I was in bed and I came right here to see her.

  Hadley clears her throat and looks at her shirt before setting it down and peeling off her sweatshirt. The t-shirt she’s wearing underneath is white and very see-through at the moment. She crosses her arms. Her fingers grasp the ends of her shirt and lift it up and over her head.

  “Don’t,” I say as I set my hand on hers before she can put her dry shirt on. I want to see her, hold her, like this. There can’t be that many consequences. I’m almost eighteen, she can’t go to jail for something I’m asking for.

  “I shouldn’t be like this.”

  “No one is going to know, Hadley. It’s not like I’m going to tell anyone. I love you and you love me. How can this be wrong?”

  I pull the shirt gently from her hands and set it on the console. My arm reaches around her waist and I pull her toward me, her back resting against my chest. I’ve been waiting to have this feeling, being skin to skin with her. I let my fingers glide along her arms, feeling as her skin pebbles. She links her hands over the top of mine and brings them over her, showing me where touch her. I can’t help but groan when she pushes down on me. Wearing sweatpants was the best decision I could’ve made.

  I bite down lightly on her neck as she moves against me. My eyes close as she moves my hands to her breast. She holds us there, adding pressure to my hands. I inch my hand into her bra and feel her for the first time. I can’t… I don’t… the feeling is too much. The fire in my stomach, I feel like I need to let go, but not here. Not like this. I need to stop this even though I want her, even though I’ve been begging her to let us be like this.

  “Hadley…” She turns, cutting me off with her mouth. The kiss is deep, urgent. I can feel her need in the way she’s moving. She maneuvers around, straddling me. Her hands move along my chest to the waistband on my sweats. This is it. She’s not going to stop and I’m powerless to stop her.

  CHAPTER 28

  Hadley

  The feel of Ryan’s skin against mine set everything in motion. I’ve wanted him since the night of my show. It was the mere mention of him being in high school that stopped me from pursuing more from him and now here I am, in love and in desperate need to feel him against me in any way I can.

  I have a burning desire when I’m in his proximity. I can’t deny my attraction. It doesn’t matter if he’s standing across the room; he spurs enough emotion in me to make me lose my mind. I can’t make proper decisions when he’s around. When he pulls me against him, when he touches me so lightly that I have to have his hands on me, I know I’m in too deep to stop.

  The way his hands feel against my skin, they’re perfect. Showing him the way to touch me is one of the most intimate things I’ve ever done. I didn’t mean to push against him. The thin fabric of his sweatpants urged me. He groaned. He freaking groaned and all I can think is that we are in the backseat of my rental car. Why did I get into the backseat? I did this. I put us in this situation.

  The way my name sounds as it rolls off his lips spurs me into a decision I know this is wrong. I seek out his mouth, letting him know that I’m in this. I’m not saying no this time. I turn and straddle him, he feels good and I know he wants me. I know he wants this for us. I know it shouldn’t happen, not like this. Not here and not after I flew here to see if he still wanted me.

  I can’t help it. I need to touch him. I explore his chest. My lips follow the path my hands make on his skin. He pulls away from me when my hand touches his waistband. I sit back and look at him. His eyes are hooded.

  He wants this and so do I.

  “Let’s go to my house,” he says so quietly, it's as if he’s trying to keep his words a secret. I know it pains him to say those words. Bringing me home has never been an option and it’s something I’ve accepted. I know he’s embarrassed by his home. I get that. For him to suggest we go to his house shows me how much he loves me, how much he’s willing to put his feelings aside so that we aren’t having sex in the back of my car, in the church parking lot.

  Ryan pushes my hair off my shoulder. He’s so tentative, going with what feels natural when it comes to us. “I want to have sex with you, but not here… like this. I can’t offer you much, but I can at least offer you a bed.”

  “We could get caught.” I know we’ll get caught. Parents have a sixth sense when their child is having sex in the house, although it could be the squeak coming from the bedroom that is the dead giveaway.

  Ryan shrugs. “I’ve heard the guys talking in the locker room and they’re always talking about having sex in their cars and trucks, at least that is what they are telling each other and it’s not like I don’t want to do it, I do. I just don’t want you to feel cheap or like I don’t care.”

  Blue lights flash through the fogged up windows, followed quickly by a flashlight. “Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit,” I say as I scramble off Ryan’s lap. I look for my shirt, sliding it over my head just as the officer taps on the window.

  I look at Ryan, who’s whiter than a ghost, staring at me. I throw his sweatshirt at him, but he doesn’t flinch, even when it hits him in the face.

  He shines the flashlight in the window, tapping again. I have to lean over Ryan to push the window release down. I don’t let the whole window down, just enough that the officer can see inside.

  “Good evening, officer,” I say, hoping to kill him with kindness.

  He looks at his watch and back into the car, shining his light all around. “I think we’re way past evening, wouldn’t you say, Ryan?” He points his flashlight directly into Ryan’s eyes. His arm comes up to act like a shield. It doesn’t escape me that the police officer knows his name.

  “Yes, sir.”

  “I suppose you have a good explanation as to why you’re out at this hour, in a running car, sitting in the church parking lot?”

  “Just talking,” I answer immediately. I rub my hands up and down my legs, trying to calm my nerves. The officer looks at us like we are a bunch of lying teenagers. He’s right. He should look at us this way. He steps away from the car and does something with the radio on his shoulder. I can’t tell what he’s doing, but I need to use this distraction to get Ryan to snap out of it.

  “Ryan?” I pull his face toward mine, forcing him to look at me. “We weren’t doing anything wrong so we need to answer his questions so he’ll leave, okay?”

  He nods and puts on his sweatshirt that isn’t even dry yet. I lean forward and shut off the car. I forgot it was running and is probably out of gas. I don’t dare step out of the car, although I want to move up front and get the hell out of here. I can’t believe I let things get this far. I should know better.

  The officer steps up to the car. I smile, hoping to convey some sort o
f “I’m sorry and it will never happen again” image. He’s unreadable, his lips in a straight line. I think if he was to smile, his face would crack and break like old plaster.

  “Hadley Carter?” I swallow hard when he says my name. I look down. I can’t look at him as I nod in assent. “I need you to step out of the car.”

  Ryan finally acknowledges what’s going on. He grabs my hand as he opens his door. I follow him out. He shuts the door behind and pulls me to him. I get this chivalry act, but it’s not going to help.

  “What brings you to Brookfield, Miss Carter?”

  “Um –”

  “She came to see me.” Ryan speaks with confidence. The officer looks at him doubtfully and that pisses me off. He shakes his head while he writes something down.

  “It’s true. I flew in and texted him when I got here.” Ryan pulls me closer, wrapping his arm around me.

  The officer nods as he continues to write in his notebook. He walks around the car, flashing this light in the windows.

  “What’s in the bag?”

  “Clothes, I flew into Jackson and drove straight here. I didn’t have time to check into a hotel yet.”

  “Where are you guys off to?”

  “Excuse me?” Ryan speaks up. I’m thankful he’s not just standing here. I know he must be scared, but really, what does he have to lose. I look like a freaking child predator here.

  “Your dad reported you missing about two hours ago and I find you in this car with Miss Carter and her luggage.”

  “It’s a backpack, hardly what you’d consider luggage.”

  The officer steps in front of us and turns off his light. “That’s not how I see it. What I see here is an impressionable young man from a good family getting mixed up with big-city money like you. What I see is an older woman taking advantage of a young boy. A boy that may not have everything he needs out of life and you come in here with your money and flash it around. What I see is a woman about to kidnap this boy to cause him harm.”