Lost in You

by Heidi McLaughlin

  Mr. and Mrs. Ross didn’t like that, so things changed quickly. I don’t know what happened the night Mr. Ross left me sitting at the table and I didn’t ask. My parents haven’t called and asked me to come home though and I’m not sure how I should feel about that. I hope that my mom can at least call and check on me. I’ll have to visit her at work if that doesn’t happen soon.

  Returning to school is not high on my priority list, but I can’t say that it is for any teenager. I’m trying not to count the days since I last spoke to Hadley. I’m trying not to remember what we were about to do before everything changed. If I had kept my mouth shut, maybe things would be different now. I carry around my phone – the phone she bought for me – hoping that it will spring to life at any moment. It’s the only piece of her that I have and I can’t let go. Each time I think about her, the anger starts. At night, when I’m alone, I lie in bed and cry, waiting for that stupid phone to ring, or vibrate, or beep or something that signifies my connection to her is not a figment of my imagination. Maybe this is why my parents sheltered me so much, so I wouldn’t feel the pain of heartache.

  I can only hide a few of the bruises and they aren’t as dark, but I’m keeping my head down, tucking myself into the new hoodie that Mrs. Ross bought for me, one of my new pieces of clothing. Dylan told a few kids that I was thinking about taking up wrestling and the marks were from working out. That earned me a few pats on the back and a requested meeting with the wrestling coach. The nice thing is I’m not being stared at. No one knows about what happened and they definitely don’t know about my dad. I want to keep it that way.

  The only problem living with Dylan is that I have no freedom. Everywhere I turn she’s there making sure I’m okay. But being at Dylan’s gives me things I’ve never had before like a radio, TV and computer. I’m allowed to watch TV, even though I haven’t a clue as to what we watch at night, but I do know it’s all done as a family and I like that. And I have laughter. They're always laughing. I wish I could join in, but I can’t. Each time they laugh, I think of Hadley and wonder if she’d think the same thing was funny. When that happens, I excuse myself and retreat to the guest bedroom.

  I know I can stay here as long as I want. It’s nice to be wanted by someone, even if it’s not Hadley or my parents.

  I left this morning before Dylan woke up. I needed to walk in the crisp air and work out some aggression. I’ve thought about asking the wrestling coach if I could use the punching bag in the weight room. I figured if I can picture Hadley’s face, the way she looked leaving the police station, I could take my anger out on the bag. I also wanted to come in and use the computer in the library where Dylan isn’t looming in the hallway or looking over my shoulder. If I had told her this, she’d make sure it didn’t happen. Dylan is doing everything she can to help me forget these past few months, even if I don’t want to forget them. Now I sit in front of the library computer, which is the same computer that showed me pictures of her and her ex, which resulted in her showing up here, and us being arrested. I type in her name and pause, my finger hovering over the enter key. There’s a side of me that wants to know what she’s been doing these past few days, but I’m also afraid.

  I keep asking myself “what if I meant nothing to her? What if I was just something to pass her time?” I want to say that I know the answers, but if someone asked me today, I wouldn’t know what to say because nothing seems real. How do you just disappear from someone’s life like that? How do you almost give yourself to them one minute and in the next want nothing to do with them?

  I need to stop thinking about her, but I can’t help it. Everywhere I turn, she’s there. I want to believe that when I turn eighteen, she’ll be standing outside waiting for me. We’ll run off together and this will all be a stupid nightmare.

  I hit the enter key and shut my eyes, waiting for the images to load. I’ve learned from Dylan that the newest items always show first. I’m going to believe that she’s coming back to me. When I open my eyes, I bite my lip to keep from screaming out, but it’s not enough to contain the rage building inside of me.

  A week ago she was my girlfriend. A week ago she was kissing me, touching me. Now, merely seven days later, she’s kissing him, and it’s right there for everyone to see. She holds him like she held me. He’s touching her, touching her like I’ve done… like he’s done so many times. It’s clear, right? This is what they call the writing on the wall. She doesn’t want me, never did. I was just her charity case.

  I shove my chair back, hard. My hands push against the table for leverage. The computer wobbles, but Dylan appears beside me, steadying it with her hands. She straightens the computer, not making eye contact with me. She must think I’m some pathetic loser. That’s what I think of me. I can’t believe I’ve been so naïve this whole time. I turn away, afraid to look at Dylan or even have her look at me. I want to scream out and throw the computer across the room. How can she do this to me? Did I mean anything to her?

  I stand up, kicking the chair. It does nothing to quell the anger inside of me. I pick up the next chair and throw it across the room. I don’t know if it hits anything. I don’t care. I hate feeling like this. I look for something else to throw, eying the computers sitting on the table. If I damage them, maybe they’ll throw me out of school and then I can be the pathetic loser that everyone thinks I am.

  Dylan steps in front of me. I look down at her. Her face is calm, reserved. She stands in front of me with her hands down at her sides.

  “It’s going to be okay, Ryan.”

  I shake my head. She steps closer, pulling my hands into hers. Her chest presses against mine. I shouldn’t be standing like this with her, it’s not right. I’m with Had… no, I’m not. I’m not with anyone anymore, so who cares how I’m standing. I shouldn’t care.

  I look down at Dylan. Her gray eyes stare back at me. They don’t hold pity, just kindness. “I need—“

  “Time,” she says, interrupting me. She’s right. She’s been right this entire time; I just didn’t want to listen. “Come on, we need to get to class.”

  She leads me out of the library, bypassing the chairs that haphazardly lie on the floor. I have no doubt I’ll be called down to the office today and punished, but that’s fine. Right now, I’ll take whatever someone wants to give me.

  Dylan doesn’t let go of my hand as we walk the halls. The attention feels nice. I won’t lie. Girls are smiling at her and guys are once again patting me on the back. It feels like I’d done something remarkable like save a life and suddenly everyone knows who I am. I’m not sure if I should feel good about this or not.

  We stop at our lockers. When she lets go of my hand I feel a loss, but not like when I was with Hadley, just… different.

  I feel like I’m in the twilight zone. Guys that I’ve never spoken to are fist bumping, saying hi and nodding in my direction. When I sit down for lunch, three classmates sit down, too. I look around for Dylan, who is watching me. A smile breaks out on her face as she walks to the table.

  “What did you tell these guys?” I whisper to her as she sits down. She shrugs and starts unpacking her lunch. I poke her in the side, but all she does is smile.

  I’m included in conversations like we’ve always been friends. I don’t think I’ve ever listened to what these guys talk about. The guys invite me to a party this weekend and Dylan tells them that we’ll be there. I’m not so sure how I feel about that. I don’t know what the shift is. I haven’t changed. But maybe I should enjoy it and think about staying in school for the rest of the year.

  I walk into my mom’s office. Her eyes light up as she rushes around her desk to give me a hug. Her arms wrap tightly around my neck and she holds me, much like she did when I was a baby.

  “I’m so happy to see you. I miss you.” She steps back, leaving her hands on my shoulders and looks at me. I know she sees my new clothes and if she’s upset, she doesn’t show it. She looks behind her, probably checking to see if her boss is coming before le
ading me over to her desk. I know her boss is strict, but I have a feeling this is the only place I can see her without seeing my dad.

  “I miss you, too. Is everything okay at home?”

  “Things are fine, Ryan. You don’t need to worry about me.”

  “But I do.”

  She rests her hand on my cheek and smiles. “You’re such a good boy, you didn’t deserve what happened.” I have no reply for her because I don’t think anyone deserves to have that happen. It’s one thing to lose your girlfriend; it’s entirely another to have your dad turn violent on you.

  “I’m scared for you,” I say. Her lips tighten into a faint smile.

  “Listen to me. I can take care of myself. You don’t have to worry about your dad. The Rosses, they have my permission to let you stay at their house. You’ll be eighteen soon and can do anything you want.”

  “What about you?”

  She shakes her head. “He doesn’t touch me, I can promise you that.”

  “If he does, will you leave?”

  “Yes, Mr. Ross and I discussed that this week. You’re very lucky to have them. They love you, but not as much as me. I’m so sorry, Ryan. I should’ve been a better mother.”

  I’m not sure if I should believe her or not, but I do. I tried to be mad at her for the way she acted, but Mrs. Ross explained how when someone emotionally abuses you they take away all your self-esteem and that it took a lot for my mom to call Dylan that day.

  Her eyes glisten and I smile at her, hoping to keep her tears at bay. This is the most talkative I’ve ever seen my mom and I like it.

  “I’ll come by next week,” I say as I stand and give her a kiss. “I love you, Mom.”

  “Love you, too.”

  I wave as I walk out the door and head for home. Home… such a strange word for me now. When I pass the newsstand, the familiar blond hair mocks me. I know I shouldn’t stop, but I have no control over my feet. She’s there on the cover with him. The headline blurs. All I see is her on her tiptoes, kissing him.

  CHAPTER 34

  Hadley

  Standing off to the side of the stage, I watch as Cole interacts with his fans. The female contingent is in full force for this show and he loves every moment. For the most part the tour is going really well. Each show is sold out and we've added more dates. I think Ian was shocked when I didn’t refuse the additions. Truth is, I love being on tour. Being on stage gives me such exhilaration. I need it to feel satisfied. It keeps my mind off things.

  I didn’t want to come back here, to Jackson, but Ian insisted. I balked at doing this show, begging Ian to cancel, but when the show sold out within minutes, Ian wouldn’t budge. Alex is supposed to be here already and I’m starting to get nervous. Her plane landed over two hours ago and it doesn’t take that long to get from the airport to the venue. I didn’t have to ask her, she just knew I’d need her, especially since the day is tomorrow. I’ve tried not to think about how things ended with Ryan. In fact, I try not to think about him period. Out of sight, out of mind, right? It’s easier this way, better really.

  Ian surprises me when he drapes his arm across my shoulder. He’s been happier, too, since the tour started and I’m sure it’s because my issue no longer exists. I also think he’s over the moon about the display Cole and I have been putting on. Well, more of a display for me, not so much for Cole. Late night conversations with Cole lead me to believe he wants more. I wish I could say that I’m immune to Cole, but the truth is, I’m not. I never have been and it’s always been a fight. But I’m not in love with him. Not the way he wants me to be. I care for him and he’ll always be a part of my life, but that’s all I can be for him.

  Ian whistles – you know, that annoying loud thing people can do when they put their fingers in their mouth – right in my ear. I elbow him and he just smiles. This is the nice side of Ian. I know he wishes he could be like this more, but I stress him out. I cause him more work because of my inability to think straight. I made a vow when the tour started that I’d work hard and be America’s sweetheart.

  I’ve been waiting for that reporter to renege on his deal with Ian. Each day I scour the Internet looking for anything related to my time in Brookfield, even though I don’t want to remember the result.

  “You ready?”

  I nod. I’m always ready when I’m about to perform. Cole and I recorded some duets when we were dating, but never released them until now. That was part of the agreement. I would sing with Cole and Ian would make sure we had everything we needed on this tour. One thing I asked for was no Anal Anna and Ian agreed. It just means he lost interest and I’m okay with that.

  The fans chant my name. I close my eyes and savor the sweet sound of their voices. It’s moments like this where I can forget everything. Word spread fast that Cole and I are performing together, giving me this surreal feeling. It’s not that I don’t like performing with Cole; it’s just that the song means something different now. The fans though, they think we're together and believe we’re singing to each other. Ian pushes me lightly, getting me moving. He’s had to do this a few times. When I open my eyes, Cole is beckoning me out on stage with a wicked smile on his face. The crowd erupts. I look and see both of us on the jumbo screen. He looks like he’s in love and for a brief second I wish I could return the sentiment.

  When I reach him, he places his hand on my hip, pulling me closer. His lips graze my cheek, causing the crowd to go wild, only they don’t know that he’s whispering in my ear that he’s tired and really wants to go take a nap. I try not to laugh and the smile that spreads across my face entices the fans.

  I’m handed a microphone and our stagehands bring out two stools. Cole helps me onto one stool before sitting on his own. The band starts and we wait for our cue. Cole starts, his words, once having meaning, are now just words he sings to make the girls go crazy. They love him and they should. I haven’t looked at the crowd. I’m afraid. Not that I expect him to be here, but my heart is hoping he’s standing right up front, maybe holding a sign telling me how much he loves me and that tomorrow everything can be different, that he has forgiven me for being such a bitch.

  Only when I open my eyes, he’s not there. In fact, from the looks of it there aren’t that many guys in the first few rows. There isn’t a sign. There isn’t anyone trying to get my attention. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it isn’t this. My heart starts to ache with thoughts of him. I close my eyes again and breathe in deeply before belting out my lyrics. I think of Ryan and how much I miss him as I sing.

  The song finishes. When I open my eyes and look at Cole, he knows what I just did. I can see the hurt on his face, even though he’s trying to mask it. He looks back at the crowd and waits for the next song to start. I clear my head. I have to be fair to him. We're supposed to be play-acting for the public. I can’t do anything stupid.

  After three more songs, Cole and I leave the stage. We’re going to have a half-hour intermission before I go on. I follow him as he stalks off. I can tell he’s talking to himself by the way his hands are flying around. He throws his microphone at one of the techs. I shrug and apologize when I hand him mine. Cole throws open my dressing room door and stands in the middle of the room. I shut the door behind me, hoping that Ian will give us just a few minutes so I can explain, even though I have no idea what I’m going to say to him.

  He turns. His face is red and full of anger. I get that he’s upset, but we aren’t a couple and I’m allowed to miss the one I love.

  “What the hell was that, Hadley?”

  “What?” I ask, throwing my hands up in the air.

  “Seriously, you don’t know?”

  “Obviously not,” I say as I move by him. I sit down at my vanity, resting my head in my hands. I can’t stand vague. When he acts like this it really pisses me off.

  “You missed your cue. Twice.”

  “What?” I look up at him and he’s staring at me. The expression on his face tells me he’s serious. “I did not. I know
when to come in, Cole, I wrote the damn song. Remember?”

  “Yeah, I remember, but I just sat through it and so did the fans. You missed it and that’s not like you. You’re supposed to be acting like my girlfriend and there you are thinking about some piss-ant teenager, making me look like a fool.”

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” I get up and move over to my rack of clothes. I pull out a couple dresses and throw them onto the couch. Throwing my clothes feels good so I keep doing it until the rack is empty. I pick up my shoes and start throwing them across the room. When they're out of reach, I reach for the vase of roses and throw it against the wall. The glass shatters sending shards all over the place.

  Cole grabs me from behind, locking my arms down with his. I fall to the ground. He goes with me, holding me in his lap. I cry hard for the loss of the boy that I love and can’t have and for the man I just humiliated on the stage. I’ve destroyed Ryan, just like Cole destroyed me and there isn’t anything I can do to fix it.

  Cole lets me cry. He doesn’t tell me everything will be okay or that he’ll fix it. He can’t. He’s not going to sugarcoat anything for me. He’s realistic and right now I hate him for it. I need him to tell me that he’ll track down Ryan and bring him to me, that he’ll make sure Ryan forgives me for being a self-centered bitch, but he doesn’t. He holds me, keeping my arms locked so I don’t do any more damage.

  I try to calm down, matching my breathing with his. It’s not as easy as it sounds, but thinking about his chest moving up and down against my back brings things into perspective.

  “You have to go on in a few minutes, Hadley.”

  I shake my head. He’s wrong. “We just came off stage, Cole. I have thirty minutes.”

  He rests his head against my back. I feel his lips press against my skin. “I love you, Hadley, probably more than I should, but you’ve got to get over this. I know you love him, but sometimes you have to put those feelings on hold and live your life. This is not the right time for either of you and you have to accept that.”