Lost in You

by Heidi McLaughlin

  “We should never have come here.”

  “I know. I don’t know what Ian was thinking, but it’s not good and right now your fans think there’s something wrong with you, so you need to go out there and show them that you’re the Hadley Carter they paid to see, not the one they just witnessed singing to her boyfriend.”

  “Fake boyfriend,” I whisper.

  “Yeah, fake boyfriend,” he sighs. “It doesn’t matter what I am, we have a deal and you need to keep your end.”

  “I know.”

  Apparently that satisfies him because he lets me go. I slide the rest of the way to the ground and pull my knees to my chest. I wish I could cancel the rest of the show, fake the flu or something, but I can’t.

  The door opens, I don’t turn around because I know who it is and as excited as I am that she’s here, I don’t want her to see me like this.

  “It’s okay, Coleman, I’ll take care of everything.” I feel him shift behind me and hear the door close. Alex runs her fingers through my hair. She knows how to make me feel better.

  “I want to go see him. Tomorrow he’ll be eighteen and everything will be fine. We’ll go in the morning and be back before the bus leaves.”

  Alex moves and sits in front of me. She looks tired. I reach out and trace my finger under the bags. I hate seeing her like this. She shakes her head, pulling my hand into hers.

  “I went to Brookfield, that’s why I’m late. I thought if I could bring Ryan to you, things would be better – not that things are good – but you know what I mean.”

  “He didn’t want to come?” My voice shakes when I ask.

  Alex shakes her head. “He doesn’t live at home anymore, sweetie. He ran away the morning after you left him.”

  “No,” I whisper before breaking down in her arms. I’ve just lost the one I love more than anything and don’t know how to find him.

  CHAPTER 35

  Ryan

  I’m eighteen today.

  This is supposed to be the turning point in my life.

  Today everything was meant to change.

  Only I’m alone, staring at the white ceiling.

  I reach under my mattress and pull out Hadley’s phone. It’s been hiding. I couldn’t stomach looking at it day after day so I hid it. I didn’t need the painful reminder of what it meant at one time not so long ago.

  Freedom.

  Love.

  A life away from Brookfield.

  Now it holds lies.

  Deception.

  Pain.

  I turn it on and wait for the apple symbol to disappear. I hold it in my hands waiting for that distinct chime to alert me that I have a message. The chime – her ringtone – her song – doesn’t sound.

  I pull up her name, the only contact I ever put in here. The only person I ever wanted to talk to with this phone. Her porcelain face stares back at me. Before today I thought she was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen, but now I see flaws. I see someone who used me to make herself feel better. I see someone who took advantage of me because I didn’t know any better, but not anymore.

  Dylan has taught me in this past month what it’s like to care for someone simply because you can. Her father taught me to speak my mind and not be afraid to answer when asked a question.

  I want to tell Hadley that I’ll never forgive her for what she’s done, but I’ll never see her so why do I need to say that to her? Fact is, she’s not even watching. I’m not stupid, at least not anymore. I know she shut off my phone. As easy as it was for her to give it to me, it was just as easy for her to take it away. She’s treated me like a petulant child and not the lover she said I was.

  I get out of bed and move quietly down the hall, careful not to wake anyone. The stairs to the basement creak with my weight. They're old and in need of repair. Mr. Ross and I plan to do this over winter vacation. It’s the least I can do to return their hospitality and love.

  I turn on the overhead light. It sways back and forth casting shadows along the walls. Chills wash over me. I get the feeling that someone is watching me, lurking in the corner waiting to pounce. I take a deep breath, calming my nerves. There isn’t anyone down here, just an old basement. I’m an adult now. I shouldn’t be scared of the boogeyman. I walk carefully into Mr. Ross’s workshop and pull the cord to turn on the light. This time I hold the bulb from moving back and forth so I can focus on what I need. The black handle is easy to spot. I pull out the hammer, turning it from side to side, inspecting the large metal object before laying it on the table.

  My phone feels heavy in my pocket, but after I’m done it won’t. I won’t have to see it anymore. I drop it onto the table and bring it to life. Her smiling face mocks me, reminding me what her lips felt like against mine. I pick up the hammer and bring it down once, hard. The crack is satisfying, but it’s not enough. I can still see her. Her brown eyes sparkle as if she’s telling me a story. Her kissable lips make her face light up with her bright smile.

  I fell hard for her and she let me, encouraged me, but no more. I bring down the hammer hard, hitting the picture dead on. The glass spider webs making her invisible, but I can still see her, feel her on my skin. Again and again I pound my phone until nothing is left. It’s in pieces. My life is in pieces because of her.

  A soft hand rubs up and down on my arm, a head resting on my shoulder. She whispers in my ear that everything will be okay. How does she know? I lift my head slightly to look at her. Her dark hair is pulled back in a loose ponytail. She doesn’t wear make-up or worry about what she looks like when she wakes up in the morning. For the first time I’m really looking at her and she’s pretty, beautiful.

  Her thumb dances along my cheekbones and I sigh into her, telling myself she’ll never have to see my so broken again. From here on out, I’ll be strong. She grins when my hand reaches out and touches her hip. I didn’t plan for that to happen; it was natural, as if I needed to touch her.

  “Happy Birthday, Ryan,” she whispers.

  My lips crash onto hers. She gasps before she kisses me back. Her mouth opens slightly, but enough to let me taste her. I pick her up and set her down on the worktable. Now she’s my height and I like that. My hands cup her face as she moves her hands over my arms, igniting my flesh. This is different from the way I’ve felt before. Dylan locks her legs around my waist, pulling me closer. My hands move on their own volition, from her face to her shoulders, down her arms, resting on her hips and finally I cave, allowing myself to touch her under her nightshirt.

  Her mouth leaves mine. She marks my skin as hers, leaving a path of energy coursing through my body. Her hands tug at my shirt, lifting it. I step back and raise my arms and let her take it off of me. Her fingers glide over my skin, her lips follow leaving a trail of goose bumps.

  My fingers run through her hair. I don’t want her to stop. She’s making me feel good, making me forget.

  “You’re so beautiful, Ryan,” she says against my skin.

  A loud bang above us breaks our reverie. We jump and she pulls away before I can touch her or return the sentiment. Someone’s awake and in the kitchen. We’re busted, both of us downstairs, Dylan half-dressed.

  Dylan unlocks her legs so I can pick up my shirt. I slide it over my head without breaking eye contact with her. She looks away, her face falls. I’m not sure what I just did, but I do know that I don’t like seeing her look sad. I pull her chin toward me and kiss her deeply.

  We hold hands walking down the hall. I made the contact first. I wanted to feel what I felt this morning with her in the basement. Maybe she gives me a newfound confidence that I never had with Hadley, or maybe it’s just that she’s different and understands me better than anyone.

  A few of her girlfriends wink at us as we walk to our lockers and each time Dylan pulls me close and kisses me on the cheek. I walk her to class – also a first for me – and let my lips linger on hers longer than allowed in school.

  “See you at lunch.” I take a step back, then another as
she watches me. I’m bumped into, sorry’s are muttered, but I never take my eyes off of her as she stands there watching me. Her smile is infectious. For the first time I look at her, really look at who Dylan Ross is, and I’m very thankful that she’s in my life.

  I sit down at my desk and pull out my book. When I open it, there’s a sticky note stuck to my assignment. Happy Birthday is all it says and I know it’s from Dylan. I take out my wallet and place it in there carefully. That’s something I’ll save forever.

  “’Sup, Ryan.”

  I look over at Jake Miller, who just sat down. We’ve never spoken before, at least not in casual conversation. “Not much,” I answer as I put away my wallet.

  “So, party at Dylan’s tonight?”

  Mr. and Mrs. Ross are out of town this weekend for a police convention, but I didn’t think Dylan would invite people over.

  “It’s your birthday, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Yeah all right, party. Happy Birthday, man.” He pats me on the back and prepares for class.

  All throughout my day that’s how things go. Kids I’ve never talked to come up and wish me a happy birthday and tell me they’ll see me later. A few ask me what I want for a gift and I just shake my head. Only Dylan has been buying me gifts the past few years so I only expect one from her.

  When I see her at lunch, I grab her hand and pull her out into the hallway, walking down the deserted corridor and pushing her up against the lockers. I place my arms on either side of her and look down. She’s devious. She knows why we’re out here. She reaches up on her tiptoes and kisses me lightly.

  “You’ll have fun, I promise.”

  “You promise me a lot of things, but fun isn’t one of them.”

  “People are excited. This will be good. They want to know you.”

  I can’t deny that it wouldn’t be nice to have some more friends, especially guy friends. It’s always been Dylan and I’m not complaining, but sometimes I think it would be nice to have a buddy. I remember what Mr. Ross told me about my feelings. Feelings have words and words need to be expressed and no one can get into trouble for expressing themselves.

  “I need to see my mom after school and then I have to work.”

  “Only until nine, right?”

  She knows my schedule and I like that she does. I nod.

  “That gives me enough time to decorate and wrap your gift.”

  “You didn’t have to get me anything.”

  “I know, you say that every year.” She’s right, I do. When it’s her birthday, I buy her a book or journal, never knowing what to get her. Her gifts are always wonderful because she puts thought into it, which is what I’m learning to do.

  “Can I kiss you?” I ask her. She nods as my lips meet hers. Her fingers thread through my hair, making me hungry for her. I hang onto the top of the lockers afraid to let go for fear she’d disappear. She’s bringing all my emotions to the surface with the way she touches me and the new me really, really likes that.

  CHAPTER 36

  Hadley

  I barely make it off stage before Ian is dragging me down the hallway to my dressing room. He throws open the door and pushes me in. I stagger before catching myself. Alex and Cole are right behind us. Cole shuts the door and locks it.

  “What the fuck was that?” Ian spits out.

  I turn away and try to collect my thoughts. I pick up a rubber band off my vanity and pull my hair back. Ian spins me around to face him. “We had a deal, Hadley.”

  “One bad show isn’t breaking any deals, Ian. I’m allowed to have a bad show.”

  “No, you’re not,” he roars. “Those people don’t wait in line in the freezing cold and spend their hard-earned money so you can have a bad show. They expect nothing but the best when you step out there. We’ve talked about your image, Hadley, and this little stunt will cost you dearly. It won’t matter if you and Cole announce your engagement, the media is going to have a field day once all the blog posts go up.”

  Ian grabs his head as he screams out in frustration. “I don’t get you. I really don’t understand how you can perform night after night and get up on stage now and forget your words. These are songs you know in your sleep. You don’t forget them. When you’re up on that stage, nothing else matters, but you…” He stalks over to me, his finger pointing at my face. His teeth are clenched and his normally coifed hair is standing on end. “You just keep screwing up and expecting me to fix it and I’m sick of it.”

  “Ian, that’s enough.” I expect to hear Alex’s voice, but it’s Cole. He pushes Ian’s finger away from my face and stands in front of me. “She had a bad night; if anyone knew what was going on, they’d forgive her. We should never have come here.”

  Ian rips his hand out of Cole’s and starts pacing. I’m just one giant screw-up after another. It doesn’t matter what I do. Everything ends up in shambles. I lean my forehead on Cole’s back and wrap my arms around his waist. Right now he’s my safety net.

  “You have to make this show up to them.”

  “Why?” Cole asks. “This is her second show here in months. Somehow I’m thinking you planned this because everything has been going so well you needed as excuse to railroad her again. You hate that we aren’t front-page news anymore now that everyone thinks we’re back together, so you’re creating some drama. Jesus, Ian, let her be human for one moment. She made a mistake, let it go. It was a bad night, it’s over, time to move on.”

  “Cole’s right,” Alex adds. “I can’t help but think you set her up for failure with this show. You know what happened here last time.”

  “What do you know, you’re just a clinger.”

  “Excuse me,” I say, coming around Cole. He sets his hand down in front of me, halting my movements. “You can’t talk to Alex like that, she’s my best friend. Aside from Cole, she’s the only one who knows how I’m feeling.”

  “Unbelievable,” he mutters as he storms out of the room. We’re all quiet, waiting for him to start yelling at the road crew or some indication that he’s still lingering, but we hear nothing. Cole pulls me into his arms as I break down. He scoops me up and carries me over to the couch, setting me down gently.

  “I’m going to go so she can change,” he says to Alex. She quickly wraps her arms around me, much like earlier tonight, as I sob. I’m such an idiot for thinking I’m strong enough to handle being away from Ryan. I should’ve listened to my heart and not my head, because clearly my head is so far in the clouds that nothing makes sense.

  Alex helps me change into my sweats before the crew comes in to pack up my things. We are due in another city tomorrow and have a long night ahead of us. Alex packs my essentials for me while I gather my purse. We walk arm in arm out of the dressing room and down the long hall to the bus. When we pass Cole’s dressing room, it’s empty. He’s likely already asleep on the bus. Lucky him.

  We step outside and the flashbulbs are instant. People yell my name and grab at my clothes, startling me. The media isn’t supposed to be back here and I can’t help but think Ian set this up because of what Cole said to him.

  Questions are flying at me right and left about Cole, which I’ve learned to ignore, but when one says Ryan’s name, I freeze. Cameras go off, the constant clicking sound of the shutter irritating me.

  “Who’s Ryan Stone?” a reporter asks. I’m dumbfounded, unable to move. I feel Alex pushing me, her other arm blocking my line of sight, but I don’t move. He told them. Ian told the reporters his name. Something he promised he’d never do. Ryan’s name is repeated over and over again as if my silence is answering all their questions. It won’t matter what I say from here on out, they will hunt him down like vultures until they find out who he is.

  I’m lifted off the ground and carried onto the bus. I bury my face into Cole’s neck as he mutters death threats and Ian’s name. He carries me to our room, the room we’ve been sharing on the bus under the pretense that we’re a couple because Ian says you can never trust y
our own crew. He lays me down and slides in behind me.

  Alex walks in and hands him something. “Here, get her to take this; it will help her sleep and maybe forget.”

  “Somehow I doubt that,” he says.

  The door clicks quietly. I sigh and wonder where the tears are. How come I’m not crying?

  “Can you sit up?” he asks as he adjusts behind me.

  “I’ll be okay.”

  “I have no doubt, but you need some sleep and your mind will race all night and I need sleep, too, so your tossing and turning will just piss me off.”

  “You’re so kind,” I say as I sit up and take the pill and glass of water from him. He smiles as he downs the rest of my water. Jerk. He leans over and kisses me on the forehead. He lingers there for a moment before pulling away. I know he wants more, but I can’t. Not with him.

  He turns his head slightly and looks at me. “I’m sorry I fucked us up.” With that he gets up and leaves me alone in the room. I hear the bus start up and wonder if Cole has decided to drive it himself, leaving Ian behind. Wouldn’t that be such a nice surprise?

  I lie back down and close my eyes. I hope that I don’t dream, because if I do it will be nothing but a nightmare until I wake up.

  When the sun blasts through the window I think Cole forgot to shut the curtains. I roll over, only to find he isn’t in bed and hasn’t been according to the untouched sheets on his side. I look around and realize we aren’t on the bus anymore, but in a hotel room. I get out of bed and hit the bathroom, brushing my hair and teeth and washing my face. My eyes are red and puffy from too much crying and not enough water before going to bed. I’m going to end up paying for it tonight.

  I open my door quietly and step out of the room. The suite is smaller than what we usually stay in. Alex is up and reading in the chair by the window. She smiles at me before continuing to read.