Lost in You

by Heidi McLaughlin

  “Where’s Cole?”

  “His room is across the hall.”

  “How’d we get here?” I ask as I pour myself a glass of orange juice.

  “The bus broke down last night. You were passed out cold. Cole carried you up here.”

  “Where’s Ian?”

  “He’s meeting us at the venue later. He decided to fly.”

  I nod. “Must be nice of me to pay that bill for him.”

  I sit down on the non-descript brown couch that is uncomfortable against my bare legs. I pull out my phone and look at my calendar alert, Ryan’s Birthday. I should’ve deleted it when I removed him from my life, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

  “I’m going to go take a shower,” I announce. I don’t wait for Alex to acknowledge me before I’m up and moving back to my room. I shut the door and lock it. Pulling out my phone I look up the contact information for my cell account. I turn on some music so no one can hear me talking. When customer service comes on I ask them to activate Ryan’s number and as easy as that is, I feel apprehensive about what I’m doing.

  I jump in the shower quickly so I don’t cause suspicion. I change into shorts and a t-shirt and let my hair air-dry. I have no idea where we are or how much longer we’ll be here, but I don’t care. The press saw me at my worst last night; I’m done caring. When I come out of my room, Cole is standing at the bar, making his breakfast. It doesn’t escape my notice that he’s shirtless, his sweatpants hanging way too low to be legal.

  Alex is napping in the chair with her book resting on her chest. I can’t imagine she got much sleep last night. I’m such a great friend, not. I take this opportunity to pull up Ryan’s name and hit send. It rings and rings, but no voicemail. Maybe he never set it up or more likely I never showed him how to so why would he bother with such a thing? I text Happy Birthday, Ryan. I want to add more, but I don’t think we can adjust back into any type of relationship. I watch as my text says delivered and know he’ll get it when he has a chance to look at his phone. I hope that wherever he ran away to, he brought his charger. He had to know once this day came, I’d reach out to him, even if I didn’t know it myself.

  “Who are you are calling?”

  I look up at Cole and send my phone into sleep mode. “No one. I was just texting my mom.”

  He looks at my questioningly, but doesn’t say anything as he walks to the table to sit down. I walk over to the balcony and look out the window and watch cars pass. We must be near the highway.

  “Why are you eating in here?”

  “Your room is bigger and has what they consider room service.”

  “Where are we?”

  “About two-hours from Jackson.”

  “Lovely.”

  I bring my phone to life and look at my text. He still hasn’t read it, but I can be patient. It was stupid of me to call anyway, maybe he’s found a job in his new town and he’s working. Of course that’s why he didn’t answer, because he wants to hear from me, especially today, even though I broke his heart and left without telling him why.

  Yeah, keep telling yourself that, Hadley. Of course he’s waiting for you to call and ruin his life some more.

  CHAPTER 37

  Ryan

  When I open the door to my mom’s office she stands and shouts, “happy birthday!” I’ve never seen her like this and for a moment I wonder if she’s been drinking. I can’t hide the grin on my face as she rushes over and envelopes me in a hug. I hold her tight, not wanting to let her go and trying to savor this moment and embed it where I’ll remember it most.

  She steps back. There are tears in her eyes. Something changed for her and I don’t know what it is. “I can’t believe this day is finally here.” She pulls my hand into hers and takes me into the conference room. When I walk in, her co-workers yell out “Surprise!” scaring the crap out of me.

  “Wow,” I say as I look around the room. There are streamers hanging from the ceiling and everyone is wearing party hats. There’s a cake on the table, too. Everyone starts singing. I feel my cheeks heat up. I must be as red as a tomato right now. My mom puts her arm around me, leads me to the chair and motions for me to sit down. She lights the eighteen candles and I blow each one out, making a wish like Dylan used to when we were little. I can’t remember the last time I did this. I look up at her and silently thank her for making my day special.

  Mom cuts and serves cake to everyone, giving me an extra-large piece. I anxiously dig my fork in and take a big bite causing her to laugh. It’s the second most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. I close my eyes and clear my head. I won’t think about her anymore, not like that. I don’t need her to survive. Besides, I like how things are with Dylan and that’s definitely something I want to explore.

  “This is great, Mom, thank you.”

  She pulls out the chair next to me and sits down. Most of her co-workers have gone back to their offices. I’m curious what she had to do to get them in here. I suppose the offer of free cake was enough.

  “I’m sorry I couldn’t get you anything.”

  I set my hand down on hers. “This is perfect,” I say, because it is. I never expected this – especially from her – and I’m going to enjoy every moment that I can with my mom.

  I stay and chat until I’m dangerously close to being late for work. She sends the rest of the cake with me, making it incredibly hard to run down the street, but I’ll manage. I want to share this cake with Dylan tonight so I need to make sure I’m not wearing it all over the front of my shirt.

  Work goes slowly. For a Friday night, we’re dead. I keep hoping my boss will let me cutout early, but since I’m the one who always asks to stay late, he never gives me a second thought. He does offer me a ride home, so that’s nice. It’s about an hour walk from the restaurant to Dylan’s house.

  Walking up the driveway I can feel the house vibrating. The music is so loud. I’m surprised the neighbors haven’t called the police. Although I suppose when it’s a police officer’s house, the town turns a blind eye. I open the door and find people dancing. Some are holding red cups while others hold bottles. I knew Dylan liked to drink, but never really took her for someone who would bring it into her parents’ home.

  I make my way through the crowd and into the kitchen. Only a few people linger in here, around the food table of course. I don’t know very many of these people and a lot of them I’ve never seen before. I put the rest of my birthday cake into the refrigerator. I don’t know if it should go in there or not, but I don’t want anyone eating it and I’m certainly not going to stand guard over it all night.

  As I come around the corner, Dylan jumps into my arms. I stagger back as I catch her. We hit the wall behind us and she instantly starts laughing. I wonder if she’s been drinking. My curiosity is cleared the moment her mouth touches mine. She tastes sweet. Her tongue is cold, but welcome as it moves against mine.

  She pulls away and smiles. “How was your mom?”

  I beam at her. I love that she’s asking about my mom and encouraging me to maintain a relationship with her. I could so easily avoid her and forget about everything, but Dylan tells me I’ll regret it in the future if I act like that now. She’s right, of course.

  “We had a party,” I say. “There was cake and her co-workers sang to me.” I put her down, not because I’m tired of holding her, but it seems awkward holding her like that with people staring. “I brought the rest of the cake home. Maybe we can have some later.”

  “I’d like that,” she says as she straightens out my shirt, slipping her hand underneath. I lean down and kiss her on her forehead; I don’t know why, but it feels like the most natural thing in the world for me to do. Before, I felt like I was always blundering when I was with Hadley. How can things be so different? How can everything feel so natural with Dylan, who I’ve known for most of my life, than with Hadley, who I have no doubt that I was…still am in love with? I’m comfortable with Dylan. I don’t have to try and be someone I’m not when I’
m with her. With Hadley, I felt like I was always on edge, like I needed to be this down-and-out kid she was trying to save. Maybe what I had with Hadley was simply lust. First-time attraction and raging hormones and she was my outlet.

  I know I want things with Dylan to be different. They have to be. I can’t compare her to Hadley. There’s no comparison. She’s been my best friend for years and maybe we were meant to happen. It should’ve been sooner, in my opinion. I wish I had never met Hadley Carter. The pain I’ve endured because of her is enough to last me a lifetime and it’s something I could’ve done without.

  Dylan hands me a cup and promises me that I’ll like it. Thing is, I’m not really interested in getting drunk. I’d rather keep my senses and spend the rest of my birthday with her in my arms. She takes me around and introduces me to people I don’t know. There are kids here from other schools as well. I’ve heard about parties getting out of hand, but for the most part this one seems mellow.

  We dance. I get to hold her in my arms and feel her up against my body. She’s not shy and I’m not sure if I like that or not. She has one hand underneath my shirt, her fingers dance along my waistband giving me just enough satisfaction. She pulls me down closer to her so she can press her lips against my neck. Each movement she choreographs as if she’s the conductor and our bodies are the orchestra.

  As the night goes on, people come and go. Only once do I hear glass break, which leaves me standing in the middle of the room while Dylan rushes off to make sure nothing valuable has been ruined. My arms felt empty and cold without her in them. When she returns she looks frantic, crazy almost.

  “What’s going on?”

  “Nothing, I just think it’s time for people to start leaving, if you’re okay with that.”

  “Of course I’m okay with that. I would have been happy to celebrate just with you.”

  “Okay, good,” she says before rushing off.

  I start to pick up the garbage that people leave in their wake. She shuttles people out, most of them don’t even say goodbye. I find that a bit rude since she graciously opened her house to them.

  Once everyone is out, we finish cleaning up the mess. I carry black bags of bottles out to the garage. We’ll have to take them to the store tomorrow before her parents get home. The last thing I want is for her to get into trouble or for them to think I did this and ask me to leave. Although if that happened, I’d just take a bus to New York and start living my life – there’s no way I’d go back to my parents. When everything is cleaned, furniture replaced and the house smelling nice, Dylan excuses herself to go take a shower.

  I sit on my bed, listening to her sing in the shower. She’s loud. Her voice carries through the walls. It’s funny, all the time I spent with Hadley, she never once sang out loud. Maybe it was because that’s what she did for a living, but listening to Dylan makes me realize how real she is when she’s around me. When the shower shuts off, I jump. I don’t know why I’m so nervous. It’s not like I’m expecting anything to happen.

  I step into my doorway just as Dylan comes out of the bathroom. Her hair is wet, leaving drops of water all over her shoulders. The hot pink towel she’s using to cover herself leaves very little to the imagination. She walks over to me, my mind forgetting that I’m standing in just my boxers, as her finger trails down my chest, resting when it reaches the top of them. I swallow hard, afraid to make any sudden movements or errant outbursts.

  “I…” I clear my throat and try again. “Shower,” I spit out, earning a wicked grin from her. My hand runs through my hair, pulling at the ends. I don’t know what I’m doing here, no freaking clue how to proceed, but I think I want to… No, I know I want to.

  Dylan kisses my chest, lingering there for a moment before walking down the hall to her room. I lean out of the doorway and watch as her hips sway back and forth. Taking a deep breath I hightail it to the shower and rush through getting clean.

  I take a chance and go to her room when I’ve finished. I didn’t put on a t-shirt when I got out, hoping she’d want to kiss me again. I stand in her doorway. She’s lying on her stomach, her legs bent at the knees and crossed at her ankles. They move up and down as her head bops like she’s listening to music. Her hand moves back and forth, turning pages of a magazine or book.

  I’ve been in her room before, but never like this. Never with the intent to touch her, kiss her. I’ve never had impure thoughts about her either, and now they're running rampant through my mind. I walk into her room, my steps quieted by the plush carpet. My heart beats faster the closer I get to her bed. If she knows I’m here, she’s not calling me out. My knees brush the side of her bed, but she doesn’t stop moving her legs up and down. I want to reach out and make them stop, but I can’t.

  I reach out and run my fingers down her back. Her legs still and she pushes aside her magazine. I don’t know what I’m doing, but this feels right. When I get to the hem of her shirt, I pull it up, showing more of her back. Her dark-as-night blue panties grab my attention. She scoots over on the bed, giving me space to sit next to her. Taking her cue, I kneel down and move her shirt up more. She moves away, sitting up on her knees. Her arms cross, her hands picking up her shirt and pulling it over her head.

  Her breasts are bare. I don’t know where to look. My eyes travel from her eyes to her breasts and back. I want to touch her and think she wants me to as well, but what if she doesn’t? I had to lead up to this before and now everything is happening so fast and in the back of my mind I remind myself that I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I want to touch her. Her eyes close when my fingers graze her nipple. It hardens against my fingertips. I touch the other one. She leans back, breaking our connection. I crawl over the top of her, touching her again. She opens her eyes when I settle in between her legs. Her smile is breathtaking, she wants this… me. Her fingertips travel up and down my back, pulling me closer. Our mouths are inches apart. Our foreheads rest against each other, lips touching lightly. She pushes on my ass, creating friction. I can’t hold back. I kiss her hard, not waiting for her to meet me halfway. My arm shakes from holding myself up. I’m afraid I weigh too much. My fingers roll over her nipple as she pushes me into her again. Her back arches as I kiss down her neck. I’ve been so afraid I wouldn’t know what to do, but my body knows. It knows how to make her feel good.

  Taking her nipple in my mouth, I bite down lightly. Her hand flies to my hair and pulls, which feels good. I add more pressure and move my hips more, alleviating the pressure that’s building. She moans and I like it. I like knowing that I’m causing these reactions. She rolls us over, shocking me. I didn’t realize she was this strong. She straddles me, her mouth moving over my chest. She bites down on my nipple and now I know what it felt like and why she liked it so much. She moves down, kissing her way toward my hard-on. I reach out and grab her arm. I don’t think I’d be comfortable with her doing that. She sits up and grinds, adding pressure to my groin. I sit up, hell-bent on moving her, but she pushes harder and rocks, creating much needed friction.

  “I want to do this with you,” she whispers against my lips as she moves a bit faster. The soft sounds coming from her make me believe she’s getting pleasure, too.

  I can’t speak, only nod. I want this. I want to experience this with her. She jumps off of me and walks over to her dresser. She comes back with a condom in her hand. I swallow hard over what I’m about to do. She hands it to me and slides off her panties. I try not to look, but I can’t help it. I follow her lead and push off my boxers, my erection springing free. I try to push it down, but to no avail. If she thinks it’s funny, she doesn’t laugh. She climbs back on top of me, kissing me all over as she works her body over mine. Her hand slides into mine, taking the condom from me.

  She’s done this before, but I’m trying not to think about that as she opens the package and slides the latex rubber on me. The sensation alone is going to make me cum and I know that would be embarrassing. My body tenses when she centers herself over me. I don�
��t think it’s supposed to be like this. She’s supposed to be underneath me.

  “Relax, let me show you.” She picks up each of my hands and places them on her hips. I push her down lightly, feeling myself enter her. Her eyes close, but I watch. The sensation of being in her rocks my core. I feel the need to scream or something. I don’t know. My hands grip her hips and move her up and down. I can’t believe I’m doing this. I can’t.

  Dylan moans and moves up and down faster, causing an intense buildup in my stomach. I grunt hard as my body releases. She falls forward, kissing my chest and rocking against me slowly.

  “Happy Birthday, Ryan,” she says against my skin.

  I wrap my arms around her and worry that I didn’t satisfy her and I don’t like that fear. “Can we do that again? I think I’m supposed to last longer and maybe touch you.”

  “Says who?” she asks, laughing.

  I shrug. “I read it in a magazine.”

  “Yeah, we can do it again.” She looks at me when she says this, the glint in her eyes says so much more than words. I have a feeling I’m about to learn a lot from her.

  CHAPTER 38

  Hadley

  I think I have a problem.

  Sure, I paint a happy smile on my face each time I step out of my hotel room and loop my arm into Cole’s. I pose whenever there is a camera around. I feed him ice cream when fans are lurking. I do everything I’m asked.

  But it’s getting to be too much and Cole agrees.

  After the incident – that’s what we’re calling it – we’re certain that Ian set me up. The problem is we can’t prove it. We’ve tried. Alex has a lot of contacts and she even tried to find out who tipped off the photographers about Ryan, but none of them are budging. I can’t believe they like Ian that much to sell me out.