Lost in You

by Heidi McLaughlin

  “Thank you.”

  “I should be thanking you. You’ve changed things around here; it’s definitely for the best.” He pats me on the back and moves back to the car. He’s a decorated police officer. I can’t imagine sharing his feelings is easy for him to do.

  The garage door opens to gasps. I turn to find Mrs. Ross standing there with her hand over her mouth. I look at her questioningly. Mr. Ross ignores her.

  “Get inside and cleanup. We need to leave in half an hour and your hands, both of you,” she points at Mr. Ross, “are filthy.” She slams the door with emphasis, getting her point across.

  Mr. Ross slaps me on the back. “Just think, Dylan is just like her.” He chuckles as he walks back into the house. I follow behind and see him grab Mrs. Ross and plant kisses on her while she fights to get away. Someday I’ll have a love like that.

  “Dylan Jane Ross.”

  I standup, whistling loudly when her name is called. Her parents stand too. Students were told to stay seated, but I can’t help it. I’m proud of her and excited to start a new journey with her. I continue to clap until she’s seated. She turns and looks at me, giving me the death glare. I shrug and take my seat, waiting for my turn. As other names are called, I grow anxious. I know my grades are good, that’s not the problem. The issue is, what if I can’t make it out in the real world, away from people like the Rosses who have provided me with the means to grow up properly. What if I fail?

  “Ryan Michael Stone.”

  I stand and walk down the steps to loud cheers. Dylan does the same as I did for her, as do her parents. But then I see my mom standing in the crowd. She’s jumping up and down and waving. I hate that I don’t live with her, but it’s been the best thing for me. I think our relationship is stronger for it, I just sometimes wish my dad wasn’t the way he is. There are things I missed that other kids have done, like fishing and Boy Scouts. Why couldn’t my dad be like those dads and want to do those things with me?

  As I’m handed my diploma, the principal shakes my hand and we turn and have our picture taken. I’m sure this man doesn’t even know my name. He’s never had to call me to his office, he’s never given me an award and I’ve never done anything to be on his radar, good or bad. I’m not leaving a legacy behind. I didn’t letter in varsity sports, or have my name in the paper for doing something extraordinary like my classmates. I wasn’t a criminal. I didn’t paint the side of the school building for entertainment. I came to school daily. I went to each of my classes and turned in my homework on time. I studied and did well. Well enough that I could probably go to college, but can’t afford to send myself. I started high school as a nobody and am leaving just the same.

  When I move to New York, I’m going to a community college. Mrs. Ross helped me fill out the necessary loan applications. I’ll have to pay the money back, but at least I’ll have an education. It may not be the big fancy school that Dylan is going to, but it’s something and it’s for me.

  Most importantly, it gets me away from the mill and Brookfield. I’ll be doing something different. I won’t follow in my father’s footsteps. I’ll be better. I don’t know what I want to do, but a counselor will help me figure that out. Dylan suggested being a banker because I’m good at math, but all I can think about is climbing the stairs to the roof of our new apartment and lying out under the stars. I can’t wait to hear the horns honking and the sirens blaring.

  I’m about to live a dream. One that I knew I wanted, but made possible by two people who took the time to care and help me achieve this goal. Sure, I could’ve moved there a long time ago. I’ve saved enough for a bus ride, but would’ve been living on the street, begging for a job and a place to sleep. I have a head start now.

  As I walk back to my seat, Dylan winks at me. I sit down and flip open the top and see my name scrolled across parchment paper. It tells me that I’ve achieved the standards set forth by the state and that I’m a graduate.

  If you asked me in September if I was going to graduate, the answer would’ve been no. I had every intention of following Hadley around. I don’t know if she would’ve asked me to or not, but I had hoped. And if she hadn’t, there was a bus ticket with my name on it, destination unknown, just as long as it was away from here.

  Dylan asked me last night if I’m going to see my dad before we leave. I told her, honestly, that I didn’t know. He’s made no effort to try and be a dad and she reminded me that I haven’t tried to be a son. She’s right, of course.

  When I look out to the crowd and see the other parents standing for their children, the parents videotaping and the ones holding bouquets of flowers, I can’t help but wonder why mine are the way they are. Why would parents have children if they don't want to dote on them and be proud of them?

  We all stand as the principal announces us as the graduating class. As practiced, we pull off our caps and throw them in the air, each of us ducking as they come falling back to the ground with their pointy ends first.

  Dylan waits for me as I descend the stairs. I grab her hand and pull her into the aisle, holding on to her tightly. We may not be together, but there isn’t another person I’d want to start my next journey with.

  CHAPTER 42

  Hadley

  I love the winter. I think this is why I refuse to leave New York. There is nothing better than walking down the streets of Manhattan and seeing the storefronts decorated or the fresh smell of roasted peanuts and cashews on every corner. The sounds of children having fun at Rockefeller Center or the joyous screams when someone has just been proposed to coming from the ice rink are what make this place special.

  My black leather boots pound the sidewalk. I’m late. This is nothing unusual and is likely expected, but I’m trying. Ever since I started with my therapist I’ve taken a more laid back approach to things. If I want to sing, I’ll sing. If I want to write, I write. I work for me and no one else. That is probably the most important lesson Dr. Patrick has taught me – I’m important to me. I had forgotten that over the years. Everyone wanted something from me, except for my parents and Alex. Even Coleman wanted something. I was just too blind to see what it was.

  I pull open the heavy wooden door to O’Malley’s. I haven’t been here in about a year, but this is where Coleman wants to celebrate his birthday. Alex and I live not too far from here, within walking distance, so this is our hangout. Family-owned and versed on keeping the privacy of their clients, it quickly became a place for me to relax.

  Strong arms encase me before I even have a chance to take off my scarf. The smell of Old Spice, barley and hops tell me it’s Mr. O’Malley. He picks me up off the ground and spins me around. His laughter is contagious and soon I’m laughing with him and hugging him back. I’ve missed him. When he sets me down, he kisses me on each cheek. His face is lit up like a kid on Christmas morning.

  “It’s been far too long, Hadley.” His words go right to my heart. He’s right. I have no excuse for staying away except for work.

  “I know and I’m sorry, but I promise you, I’ll be around more often. How have you been?” I unbutton my coat and hang it up on the wooden pegs along the wall. I feel safe leaving my stuff there. Mr. O’Malley isn’t going to let anyone walk off with someone’s personal belongings. He’s like a shark that way.

  “I’m well and the missus is doing well now that the grandbabies are a wee bit bigger.”

  “That’s good,” I say as I rub my hands together to create some warmth. I don’t realize how cold I am until he hands me a cup of coffee. I wrap my hands around the mug, basking in the warmth.

  I look at the door as it opens and smile. Alex and Cole are here and she looks happy. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen her happy. Mr. O’Malley walks over and gives her the same greeting. He pats Cole on the shoulder and nods. He’s never forgiven Cole for cheating and I have to say, it’s taken me years to do it, but I have.

  With the cup of coffee clutched in my hand we walk to a back booth and sit down. In the last year
they’ve expanded and added a pool table and dartboard. They’ve also added some flat-screen TVs, no doubt to watch sports.

  We know the menu well and decide quickly what we’re having for dinner. Each of us orders a pint, appetizers and our main course. This is Cole’s birthday and this is how he wants to spend it. I was surprised when he asked if we could come here. I thought for sure it would be a night of club-hopping with gyrating music. I have to admit, this is nice and almost perfect.

  Before long the bar becomes too busy. The door is constantly opening and closing and Mr. O’Malley is greeting each customer as if he’s known them for years. That’s the thing about this place, once you’re in, you’re in for life. I guess it’s like the mafia, but not as violent.

  Alex talks about going dancing later, earning eye rolls from Cole and me. We’ll relent, we always do, but the thought of getting dressed up and going back out into the cold doesn’t really sit well with me at the moment.

  Mr. O’Malley brings out a traditional Irish cream cake and starts singing to Cole. He turns red and tries to hide his face, but Alex doesn’t allow it. I pull out my phone and videotape his embarrassment, something I’ll save for later when he’s pissing me off. Secretly, we all know Cole loves the attention he’s getting and when he blows out his candle he’s smiling like he just won a Grammy.

  With Cole’s cake boxed up and Alex’s pleads to go dancing, we reluctantly leave our table. I’m hoping to call it a night when we get back to our place. At least that is my goal. I’m just not in the dancing mood tonight. I follow behind Alex, with Cole leading the way. Alex pulls up short, causing me to ram right into her, breaking open the box holding the rest of Cole’s cake.

  “What the hell, Alex?”

  She turns and looks at me. She’s whiter than I’ve ever seen her dark complexion get. If I didn’t know better, I’d think she’s playing a corpse in some horror thriller.

  “What’s wrong? Are you sick?”

  She clenches my arms tightly and my mouth drops open in pain, but don’t want to say anything to cause alarm. Whatever has her spooked is doing quite a number on her.

  “We should walk out the back.”

  “Um, no,” I say. “My coat is up front where I always put it. What’s your problem?”

  She looks over her shoulder, shaking her head before looking back at me. Her eyes are sad and for the life of me I can’t understand why. She steps aside, taking the broken cake box from my hands. I look in the general direction and see nothing out of the ordinary.

  Along the wall, the booths are patrons, which is normal for a Friday night. Others line the bar, a few of them yelling at the TV and some basketball game is on. With the clank of the pool table, I look over there for any clue as to what would make Alex freak out like this.

  It doesn’t take long, just the mere look in his eyes, to know why she stopped the way she did. He stands there in a dark t-shirt and jeans, looking far different from what I remember. His hair is shorter, but his arms… they’re large and defined with muscles. His shirt is tight enough to show that he’s definitely changed over the years.

  I’m afraid to move or even blink. He stares right back as he holds the pool cue in his hand. My gaze is broken when she comes into the picture. She leans up on her tiptoes and whispers something in his ear that makes him smile. Who knew that witnessing such an act would make my heart ache so terribly? I bite my bottom lip hoping to keep my emotions in check. Her hand rests on his arm as she looks at me. She’s telling me everything I need to know. They’re together.

  I can’t look anymore and tear my eyes away. I don’t know what I’m doing. One half wants to forget that I even saw him. The other half wants to walk over there and ask how he’s doing and how long he’s been in New York. Surely, if we were frequenting the same bar, we’d run into each other. But then I remember I didn’t go out for a long time so I could get my life in order. I make the best decision for me and take a step toward him.

  His eyes don’t leave mine as he watches me take step after step to get to him, closer to him. His friends continue on with their game, ignoring what’s going on in this imaginary bubble that I’ve created. I size him up the closer I get and can’t believe how much he’s grown and how much I miss the baby face that he had. He’s all man now, an adult and it shows.

  He hasn’t moved and doesn’t motion for us to sit down or anything. Maybe this is a mistake and he’s going to dismiss me like I did him. As much as it would hurt, I deserve it. That is another thing therapy taught me.

  I have to fight every ounce of my body’s will to keep from jumping into his arms. He wouldn’t catch me. He’d let me fall flat on my face and maybe offer a hand to help me up. I’m nothing to him except a reminder of mistrust and pain.

  But I’m going to take a chance because I have to know if he’s the one.

  “Hi.” I close my eyes and mentally chide myself for being ridiculous. Hi seems like such a simple thing to say and for this situation I need something profound and worthy of a response.

  I look behind me and find Cole and Alex sitting at the bar. They aren’t watching me fumble through this meeting. They're letting me fall on my ass without an audience.

  I clear my throat and try again. “Hi, Ryan, it’s good to see you.”

  His eyes rake over my body, up and down, back and forth. His lower lip is being torn apart as he gnaws on it. I so desperately want to reach out and pull it out of his mouth and soothe it with my touch, but I lost that right a long time ago.

  “I never thought I’d see you again.” His words stab me right in my heart. He’s right. Why would he have any thought of ever seeing me again after what I did to him?

  This isn’t a conversation I want to have in a crowded pub with people lingering around listening but pretending not to. I nod and acknowledge that yeah, I didn’t expect to see him either.

  “You look really good.” He looks down at himself and back at me. There is no hint of happiness in the way he’s talking to me.

  “Four years does that to some people.”

  Ouch. Clearly this was a mistake. He doesn’t want to talk to me. I can finally close this chapter in my book. I was keeping it open in the hope that one day we’d cross paths again and could at least be friends, but I guess time doesn’t heal all wounds.

  I look over at his friend, Dylan, now clearly his girlfriend, only to find her staring at me. I can’t tell if she’s amused or threatened by me. Either way, she wins.

  “It was good seeing you, Ryan.” I nod slightly and sidestep, brushing him lightly as I walk by. I weave in and out of the tables, not bothering to call out to Alex and Cole. I just need to get away. I pull my coat off the rack and slide my arms into it as I walk out the door. I don’t care about the weather. I just need to get out of here before I break down in front of everyone.

  I don’t need a reminder of what I did to him. It’s fresh in my mind and my songs. The brief time we spent together, it’s so vivid I could draw it out picture by picture. I have no doubt he’s my soul mate. I’m just not his.

  The pounding footsteps behind me make me walk faster. I’ve never felt unsafe in the city before and right now I feel very close to running except I’m at the steps to my apartment. With my foot on the first step, I tell myself not to look behind me.

  “Hadley, wait,” he says as he grabs my arm, stopping me dead in my tracks. I step back down and face him. He’s wearing a sweatshirt. No hat or gloves to keep him warm. “I froze back there. I didn’t know what to say.”

  “It’s okay. I understand.”

  “It’s good to see you too, by the way. A little shocking, but still good.”

  “How long have you been in New York?”

  “Just over four years. We moved after graduation.”

  “We?”

  “Dylan and I. Do you remember her?” He looks over his shoulder like she should be right behind him. She’s probably lurking in the bushes, waiting to pounce on me for talking to her man.


  “Yeah, I remember her.”

  “We have a place not too far from here. Well, five or six blocks away, but still close.”

  Great, they live together. The question is at the forefront of my mind. I’m dying to know so I ask. “How long have you been together?”

  He laughs lightly and shakes his head. “We aren’t together. We just live together. It’s cheaper to have a roommate.”

  My body sighs with relief although I’m stupid to think he’s single. He’s far too good looking to be single. He steps forward, close enough that I can smell his cologne. His hands encase my cheeks so fast I don’t know what’s happening. Before I can react, his lips are on mine and I’m giving him all the access he wants. I’m no longer in control of my body. It’s taken over and submitted to him.

  He kisses me fast and urgent at first, before slowing down and taking his time. He places small kisses on my lips, resting his forehead against mine.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispers. I’m not. I’m so not sorry that he just kissed me and hate that he is. “I just had to know.”

  “Know what?”

  “If you’re the one.”

  CHAPTER 43

  Ryan

  If someone told me this morning that I was going to run into Hadley Carter today I would’ve laughed in their face. I haven’t thought about her in years. No, that’s a lie. Each time I began dating someone and things started getting serious, I would think of Hadley. I would compare them and end up ruining my relationship. I’ve had one serious girlfriend since Hadley and I’m not counting Dylan, because that was more of an exploration relationship.