Lost in You

by Heidi McLaughlin

  I had met this girl in business class and she reminded me of Hadley. I thought it could work and it did for about a year. She started dropping hints about getting engaged and how a spring wedding in New York would be so beautiful. I didn’t panic or freak out. I simply told her that she wasn’t the one I saw when I closed my eyes at night. Since then I dated occasionally, nothing serious because there’s no point in going head first into something if she isn’t the one you see in your dreams.

  During the winter our Friday nights are spent at O’Malley’s. It’s been tradition for about a year or maybe longer. It started when Dylan brought one of the O’Malley boys home. I liked John well enough and we’ve become friends.

  I don’t know what told me to turn around, but something did. Part of me is not sorry that I saw her, while the other part wishes I never turned around at all. I could’ve gone the rest of my life never seeing her again because living the nightmare from when she left me was enough the first time. But there she stands, staring at me. In shock, I’m sure. Just as I never expected to see her, I have no doubt she never expected to find me here, in her city.

  I’m frozen. My legs don’t want to move even though I’m begging them to step forward or back. Anything to let me relax from this rigid posture I’ve got going on. The cue stick in my hand is breaking from my grip. I can feel it splintering beneath my fingers.

  Dylan reaches up and whispers into my ear. “I’m going to kick you in the balls if you don’t smile right now.”

  I smile simply from the fear of getting kicked. I know she did it on purpose. She remembers everything clearly and doesn’t want to see me going through it again. I watch as Hadley stares at Dylan and turns red when Dylan rests her hand on my arm a bit longer than normal. There’s no doubt in my mind that Hadley is jealous of Dylan, just as I’m jealous of the guy she’s with. I remember him from the magazine covers and photos I found online back when we broke up. I know who he is and know that he’s looking over at me every few seconds wondering what I’m going to do with his precious girl.

  She steps forward, one foot in front of the other, as she makes her way over here. It would be nice if I could move as well, but I’m cemented to the ground. Not too many things have changed about her in the last four years. Her features are softer and she’s wearing less make-up. Her hair is down, the top hidden by a wool hat. She’s wearing black boots and a dark gray skirt and black sweater. She’s clearly dressed for the elements and not for the stage.

  I remember that she used to wear cowboy boots and short dresses and she loved it because it felt more natural than that “leather contraption”. The time I pinned her against the tree outside of my church flashes in my mind. Countless times I’ve replayed that image and wondered why I didn’t trail my hands up her thighs when I had the opportunity. Her skin was begging to be touched, caressed, and she was allowing me to do it. I just didn’t know it until it was too late.

  “Hi.” Her eyes close instantly like she’s being forced over here to talk to me. I don’t need her to talk to me. I don’t need anything from her.

  She clears her throat, but doesn’t look at me. She doesn’t look into my eyes when she says, “Hi, Ryan, it’s good to see you.”

  Is it? I want to ask but can’t find my voice. I hadn’t realized how much anger I have pent up inside and I’m afraid to open my mouth. Afraid of what’s going to come out.

  I look her over just like I’d check out any other woman standing in front of me. At one time I wanted to know every inch of her body and had the pleasure of staring at my own map of discovery until things went south. I pull in my lower lip, a habit I’ve developed over the years and bite the shit out of it to help keep my mouth shut, but it doesn’t work.

  “I never thought I’d see you again,” I blurt out with such acid I don’t know where it came from. When I ran this line over in my head, it didn’t sound like that. Thing is, I’m not so sure I want to take the words back either. I have so much to say to her, so much that I want to ask her, but I know she’s not going to let that happen.

  “You look really good.” I look down at myself and think about how hard I’ve had to work to look this way. I’m finally getting noticed. When I walk into a crowded room, people stop and I like that. No longer am I the one sitting in the corner with no one to talk to. Those days are gone.

  “Four years does that to some people.” I’m snide with my remark and she knows it. She looks over my shoulder and I don’t have to turn to know who’s behind me. Dylan hates her.

  “It was good seeing you, Ryan.” She nods and brushes past me so fast I don’t have time to react. I’m mentally kicking myself in my balls for being a dick. I watch as she grabs her coat and throws it on hastily. She pushes open the door to the pub and steps out before I know what’s happening.

  I’ve been looking for her in every girl I date and when I finally have her in front of me again not only do I freeze, but I’m a total prick. I grab my sweatshirt off the chair, dropping the pool cue and take off after her.

  I step out, the harsh cold catching me off guard, making my eyes water as I look left then right for her. I see her crossing the street and walk after her. I don’t want to startle her, but I also don’t want to yell out her name on the street. She walks faster, cautious of someone following her. I reach for her arm, just as she takes the first step on a staircase leading to a well-lit building.

  “Hadley, wait.” My voice is pleading. I need for her to hear me out. The doorman looks at me and I instantly drop my hand. I don’t want him coming outside and ruining the plan forming in my head. “I froze back there. I didn’t know what to say.”

  “It’s okay. I understand.”

  I wish I did. I wish I understood what’s going on in my head right now. “It’s good to see you too, by the way. A little shocking, but still good.” Very good because staring back at me are the brown eyes that have haunted my dreams since I was seventeen years old.

  “How long have you been in New York?”

  “Just over four years. We moved after graduation.” The shock on her face is evident. I’ve been in her city for a long time and not once have we run into each other.

  “We?”

  “Dylan and I. Do you remember her?” I look over my shoulder to see if Dylan followed me. I wouldn’t put it past her, but hopefully John just took her home.

  “Yeah, I remember her.”

  “We have a place not too far from here. Well, five or six blocks away, but still close.”

  “How long have you been together?” This question should shock me, but it doesn’t. Hadley had told me once that Dylan liked me, but I didn’t believe it. Even after Dylan and I got together, I didn’t really think about Hadley’s fears.

  I laugh and shake my head. “We aren’t together. We just live together. It’s cheaper to have a roommate.”

  Her body visibly relaxes. I step closer, my body happy being this close to her. Her eyes close as she breathes in. Is she remembering what we had? Are her memories as vivid as mine? My hands cup her cheeks and I can’t resist the temptation to kiss her.

  The moment our lips touch, I know. The fire is back. The electric energy coursing through our bodies making us one is stronger than anything I’ve ever felt. My tongue seeks out hers and is met with the same heat and emotion that I remember so well. I know without a doubt that she is the one who can ignite desire within me.

  I slow things down, careful not to open old wounds. I kiss her once more, before resting my forehead against hers.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper. I should’ve asked if she had a boyfriend or a husband before I did that. For all I know, she’s taken and I just assaulted her. “I just had to know,” I say, pulling away from her.

  “Know what?” she asks.

  I don’t hesitate this time. I’m not taking any chances. “If you’re the one.”

  A smile breaks out across her freshly kissed lips and I fight every urge to kiss her again. But I hold back. If someone told me that I
was going to end up kissing Hadley Carter after running into her, I would’ve laughed.

  With utter reluctance, I let go of her. The connection is lost and I hate the feeling that I’ve had to suppress for so long. It’s amazing what one person can do to you with just a simple touch. Hadley is my drug and for the past four years I’ve been jonesing for just the smallest taste.

  “Do you want to come in?” she points to the apartment behind her. “We can talk. I think we should talk. I have so much I need to tell you.”

  I look at the doorman who’s watching me like a well-paid hawk. The question still plagues my thoughts. “Are you married?”

  “No.”

  “Boyfriend?”

  “No, I’m single.”

  Those are the answers that I was looking for. “Okay,” I say.

  “Okay.” She turns and I follow her up the stairs. The doorman opens the door for us and she nods as we pass them. We stand side by side, waiting for the elevator. When we step inside, she presses the button for her floor and we ride in silence.

  When we step off, we only walk ten steps before she’s opening the door. I step in and look around. She has a small Christmas tree in the corner and white lights hanging from the walls.

  “It’s probably not what you expected,” she says as she steps next to me. “Alex and I like it, but she’s moving next month so I’m not sure I’ll stay here much longer or move closer to downtown. Can I get you something to drink?”

  “Do you have a beer? I sort of left mine at the bar.”

  “Yeah, I do. Go ahead and sit.”

  I walk farther into the living room and look at her view. We’re twenty stories up and while this isn’t the best view, it’s still very nice. I always imagined her living in a high-rise apartment for some reason.

  She hands me a cold bottle and I notice that she has one too. She taps her bottle against mine, smiles and brings it to her lips. She sits down on the couch and I follow, letting my long legs stretch out on the side of the table.

  There’s too much silence between us. I know things need to be talked about, but who starts? I look over at her and find her staring at me. There is a stray tear on her cheek. I reach over and wipe it away. She holds my hand to her face and I fight every urge to pull her into my arms.

  “I’m so sorry for what I did, Ryan.”

  I don’t know what to say. Most people say ‘it’s okay’ but it’s not. She hurt me.

  “I thought I was doing the right thing, but I wasn’t. Not for me at least. Ian insisted he’d make your charges go away if you’d sign the paper and I kept thinking that it’s only for a few weeks. But your birthday came and you didn’t answer your phone. I knew you’d never forgive me.”

  “You called?”

  She nods her head causing my thumb to rub up and down against her face. “I did every day for about six months until I finally gave up. I knew you had run away that night, but had hoped you had your phone and could tell me where you were.”

  I pull my hand away and her eyes drop, telling me she’s disappointed that I’m no longer touching her. She just told me that she called me on my birthday. The same day I smashed my phone to bits and pieces and made a move on Dylan. Everything changed that day for me.

  “I didn’t run away, I went to live with Dylan. My dad…“ I shake my head. I hate speaking about him and hate even more that we never were able to reconcile before he passed away. “My dad and I got into a fight that day and he tried to choke me. I fought back, but my mom sent me to Dylan’s and I stayed there until we moved here after graduation.”

  I still can’t get past the fact that she called. “You called?”

  She nods and takes another sip of her beer. “I hated myself so much back then. We had this show the night before your birthday in Jackson. Ian did it on purpose and all I could think about was that night we met and everything that had happened. I messed up the show so bad. Alex had gone to your house to get you, but your parents told her you had run away. I was a wreck. Ian got so pissed at my performance that he told the press your name. I so hoped that they’d find you, but that didn’t happen. The next day, I turned your phone back on and texted you and waited for something back, but nothing ever happened.

  “Finally, about six or seven months later I started seeing a therapist and she has helped a lot. I’ve made a lot of changes in my life and I’m happy now, content.”

  Is one of those changes forgetting about me? I want to ask her but know I have no right.

  I chug down my beer and set it down on her coffee table. “Do you have more?”

  “Yeah, I’ll get you one.” She picks up my empty bottle and retreats to her kitchen. She’s back with four more, determined to keep us talking. I notice that when she sits down, she’s a little closer and asking for trouble if she thinks me and beer are going to make for a gentleman tonight.

  CHAPTER 44

  Hadley

  Having Ryan in my apartment is surreal. I thought about bringing him home so many times that to actually have him sitting on my couch is indescribable. He’s like a fantasy come true.

  I didn’t mean to bring back four beers from the refrigerator, but I didn’t want to keep getting up for more and I don’t want to give him an excuse to leave.

  “Are you still singing?”

  I choke on my beer when he asks. How can he not know? “Don’t tell me you still don’t listen to music.”

  He looks at me like I’ve offended him. I set down my beer and face forward. His hand halts my movements, so still. “I don’t listen to your music, Hadley. I listen to heavy metal or whatever’s playing in the dugout. I don’t watch MTV or awards shows and I definitely don’t read magazines unless it’s Sports Illustrated.”

  “Dugout?”

  “I work for the Yankees.”

  My mouth drops in surprise. It’s not that I didn’t expect Ryan to do great things. I just can’t believe he’s working for the Yankees. “Wow, that’s really great, Ryan. I’m proud of you!”

  “Are you?” He doesn’t hide the underlying tone in his voice. I lean closer just so I can feel the heat radiate between us.

  “I am,” I say quietly. I want him to kiss me again. I want him to take me and mark me as his own.

  “You hurt me when you left. For the first time in my life, I cried. I hated myself for feeling weak. I hated you for making me feel that way. I told myself I’d never cry over another girl again, but sitting here with you, I feel like I’m going to cry because half of me wants to tell you to take a flying leap and I don’t know if I could say those words to you and mean them. The other half wants to pick you up and do all the things I wanted to that night in the car, but I’m afraid that if we did, I’d walk out that door and never see you again and I’m not sure I can handle that either.”

  I move closer so I can thread my fingers through his hair. It’s so soft. I’ve missed this. He closes his eyes and leans into my touch.

  “I had a girlfriend. She had blond hair and brown eyes. She treated me well and I thought I loved her until I closed my eyes and thought about dancing with her at my wedding and when I opened them, she wasn’t my bride.”

  “Who is?” my voice breaks when I ask.

  He doesn’t answer, just turns away from me. I sit back, breaking the connection we had going.

  “To answer your earlier question, yes, I’m still singing. I just finished an overseas tour.”

  “That’s good, and how’s your manager?”

  “She’s great actually.” He looks at me with his eyebrow raised. “Ian was fired a long time ago.”

  Ryan nods and takes another drink, finishing off his beer. He pops the top on the next and I can’t help but wonder if this is usual for him.

  “You said Alex is moving.”

  I look at him and smile. “Alex and Cole are getting married in two weeks.”

  “Isn’t he your ex?”

  “Yep,” I nod and take a drink of my own beer. “Seems they’re in love and they’re
good for each other.”

  “How does that make you feel?”

  “Honestly, I’m fine with it. Cole and I haven’t been together in a long time. He’s lucky to have her. She’s good for him, she’s what he needed to make his life complete.” I set my beer back down and wonder if we're going to continue being awkward around each other. He looks at his watch and frowns. “Do you need to be somewhere?”

  “No, I’m just looking to see how long it’s been since I’ve kissed you.” He turns and looks at me. “The thing is, I’m sitting here and I have all these things to say to you and nothing is coming out. The only thing I want to do is kiss you.”

  Ryan gets up and starts pacing around the room. He pulls off his sweatshirt and I see dark lines on his arms that I didn’t see before in the pub. I pull my legs up underneath me and watch as he mentally talks himself down from wherever he is.

  “What’s on your arm?”

  He stops pacing, but doesn’t answer me. He lifts his t-shirt over his head and I gasp at how much he’s grown into a man. He was just a boy when I knew him last and now he’s matured. He’s carrying a clearly-defined six pack that is accented by a dark patch of hair leading into his boxers. Both arms are muscular and have thick black lines. He turns around and shows me what they belong to. On his back is a very large phoenix and its wings extend onto his biceps.

  I swallow hard and fight the urge to strip down to nothing and lay here for the taking, because staring at the boy I fell in love with and seeing the man he became is enough to do me in. I stand slowly and walk over to him. I trace the lines of the bird with my fingertips.

  “What’s it for?”

  “Because I rose from the ashes and made myself better.”

  “It’s very sexy.” I can’t lie. It is. It’s the hottest thing I’ve ever seen. I don’t know if it’s the tattoo or the man sporting the ink, but I have no doubt in my mind I’ve never seen something so sexy.

  I lean closer and place my lips where my fingertips were, kissing my way up his back. My arms snake around him, my fingers tickling the hair on his stomach.